:: 2005 24 March :: 9.40 pm

fuck you..what is wrong with you.

I'm so pissed at you right now. Get over yourself and stop lying and stop being selfish. I can't deal with you and don't even fucking bother talking to me at school when you say shit behind my back. Your not going to be considered anything with me anymore. I'm sick of you doing this just for attention and I'm sick of you in general. I'm not wasting my time on you anymore and then next time your upset about something Im going to tell you to shut the hell up and that I'm not in the mood to talk to you. Yeah by the way, shes my friend too.

I want to say something to you soo bad but I promised her I wouldn't. I want to scream at you right in your face.

I'm going to the mall tomorrow again but I'm at Lisas house so I'm going to go.

<3 aShLeY

lie awake

:: 2005 23 March :: 9.47 pm

Oh yeah and in drama we wrote scripts and mine was the dumbest ever and it was a disapointment to me and H talked to us all one by one and he talked to me about mine and he actually liked it and I got a really good grade on it and I feel bad because I dont deserve that good of a grade. I mean seriously if your script was about a button club, how could that be good? haha.

I went to the mall today. I spent $251 at abercrombie. It's just something about that store that I can't resist. I think its just because im little and its for little people so it just fits me better and its just the best store ever. I offered to pay for all my own stuff I bought but my dads like "no here I'll just give you money" I was like well thats pretty cool I guess. I spent $400 two weeks ago shopping but that was because my bathing suit costs alot. I haven't even got to wear any of the clothes I bought because im waiting to wear it all until I get back from spring break. It just seems better that way.

but im going to go watch a movie with my little brother and then go to bed.

I can't sleep without knowing theres hope.

Love Always

a S h L e Y

lie awake

:: 2005 23 March :: 8.45 pm

Its pretty upsetting when you don't believe me and when your accusing me of something that hasn't happend yet and wont happen. Best friends are supposed to believe their other best friend but I guess not.


I'm sick of people always trying to live my life for me and telling me what to do and who I can hang out with and who I cant. I'm not a fucking little girl anymore I can make my own choices and I can't deal with it and the next time someone tells me what to do or accuses me of something, or even gets mad at me for anything dumb Im going to tell them to fuck off.

I love Matt. Hes so sweet. I seen him after school and he calls me Precious since my spanish name is Preciosa and hes like "precious, I hope everything works out for you" and im like "it wont, trust me" and then he hugged me and hes like "im always here for you". I was so happy. Hes so nice to me and today I was in Mrs. Ryans class and I sit next to bruce and katelyn and matt sit behind us and Matt, Katelyn and I were writing a note and we were passing it back and fourth and Mrs. Ryan seen me writing it so she came back there and tried to pull it out of my hands and I didn't want her reading it so I pulled it back and she like scratched me or something and she ripped it out and she crumbled it up and put it on her desk and I know she was going to read it after we left so I couldn't let her because it was bad so we distracted her and Matt ran and got it for me. I was really happy that he did that because I can't imagine what she would think if she seen that.

Aaron is so cool. He always tries to make me feel better even though right now nobody really can. Hes trying to find a song for us and he found this one and its about this girl who is beautiful and models and is something special and then she and this regular guy which would be him falls in love and all this its really cool but I dont' know what its called.

You cant take back what you said now. It's too late.

lie awake

:: 2005 22 March :: 9.17 pm

Don't expect me to tell you things anymore because it's really all a waste of my time because somewhere it stopped mattering to you. So don't whine and complain when I don't when you can't even say anything back.

I just want you to know the truth so bad but I don't even want to mention that to you. I just can say I told you so that this would happen.

I think I'm going to the mall tomorrow but I'm not sure. I hope so. Haven't been there in a few days. ha

well im getting yelled at as always to get off the computer since my mom is always like "you can only be online for an hour everyday and blah blah blah" Shes like "get off right now" and I'm like "okay I am shut up" haha I am very mouthy sometimes. I never really tell my parents to shut up but I just did and it was awesome.



O well I don't really want to talk to anyone right now anyways.

peace out, ashley

2 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 21 March :: 5.07 pm

I guess if this is how you want it then this is how its going to be. I'm not going to be in between two differen't things with you. You say one thing and you mean the other. It can't happen this way. You've stated the obvious so thats what this is going to be, thats all its going to be.

I hate when people bribe me to tell them things. Bruce basically made me tell him everything today when I wasn't even planning on mentioning it to anyone so then he heard and Matt wanted to know too and last week he told me some stuff so he said it wasn't fair if I didn't tell him and he goes "oh I know some of the stuff you did last weekend with that one person" and im like "ohh do you now" and hes like "yeah someone told me" ppl are just dumb like that and they don't even know what they are talking about half of the time.

It's about time you've been told. You had it coming for a looong time now. Maybe you should think about it instead of ignoring the fact that its true. It hurts but thats life.

but I have to go..

Love Much,
Ashley.................

2 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 20 March :: 11.34 am

I guess I will just let things go...I'm not going to hope for something that probably wont happen.

I guess I cant expect that.

and I never thought you would tell me that. Sort of suprising if its true.

I'm not going to tell you anything thats happend lately because you will flip out on me and I don't to deal with you or what anyone thinks. Just stay out of shit im not a baby.

I can't wait to go to Florida. I just wish spring break would come sooner. Chloe told her boyfriend that he can't come over unless he brings one of his friends. I was like thnxs...

Dont you get it I don't want to talk to you and I avoid it. Can't anyone around here takes hints!?!?

I think im getting in this to deep....


but I'll update more later, im a little pre-occupied right now.


ashley megan

lie awake

:: 2005 18 March :: 4.48 pm

I just wanted to cry after you said that.

I just dont know anymore. I don't even know what to say to you or what to tell you. I just feel sad and guilty for some reason. I wont admit it to you though, the only way you will know is because alot of people read this, including you..

I wish I could take back some of the things I said because I never meant any of it.

but sometimes its just to late to change your mind. You've made up what you want and your going to stick to it. Your not going to go back and I know it and thats what kills me.

I think your holding and hiding on what you cant decide and I'm holding it all in from you. I have to eventually say something.

I don't see how you haven't gotten the picture yet.

I'm finding it hard to believe your in heaven.

a s h l e y

lie awake

:: 2005 16 March :: 4.04 pm

This should be easy but It's not. It's horrable and this whole thing about being the best time of my life is not true.

Maybe this will be the first promise I break because now I don't think I'm going to tell you. You've made it quite obvious about everything and you dont care so thats just too bad. I guess you'll never know. It's your loss not mine and i've got nothing to prove and nothing to lose.

After all the things I've heard lately I don't even know if I want to talk to you anymore and theres no point in saying anything to you because you will deny it.

but I just have to put up with this for the rest of the year and thats it, then it will be over hopefully and until then I can't wait.

I just want you to realize that you really screwed up more than you'll ever know

2 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 15 March :: 8.37 pm

I hate having to delete entries but I had to since you were going to read them and I don't know exactly what I wrote.

I finally made my dad an email today because he uses mine alot for work and if people in our family need to send him something. I was tired of him using mine.

You're wasting your time, trying to tear us apart. You can't stop our plans and even though were young at heart, your the one in denial.

I know that this is all just a waste of my time wishing and hoping that things will be like before and that you would change but it's something I have to do to get by each day and sometimes it makes things better talking to you and sometimes it makes things worse and even though I know it doesn't matter to you but this is what I'll continue to do to fight how I feel.

p.s. you've been living a lie.

ashley megan*

lie awake

:: 2005 14 March :: 4.53 pm

Aww Shelby loves that song I made her listen to. I told her it reminded me of her. It's such a good song.

That is seriously the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Emily and I were laughing so hard. I can't help but laugh at how clueless you are. Just wait.

I'm so excited for Florida! I can't wait. It's going to be so warm and I will go lay out in Chloes pool everyday and we are going to go the beach and most of her friends are guys and they all are excited to meet me. I just can't wait any longer. I miss Chloe and my boyfriend haha inside joke.

im counting down the days until you graduate so I don't ever have to deal with your shit again.

Soooo..I have to get some kind of surgery for my mouth or w/e because I have like 2 teeth that wont come down and they are laying the wrong way so they have to put me to sleep and cut my gums open and attach something and try to pull the teeth down and that wont be that bad because I'll be asleep but then each time I go back I'm awake and they have to pull it down farther and they said that it will hurt me. I'm scared and today I started crying becuase they want to do this before I have my photo shoot and I was like "umm no because I dont want to not have two teeth and you will notice it in my pictures" and they dont really want me to wait but they said it could take up to a year to actually get those two teeth down so hopefully they will be down before my senior pictures and im like umm okay so I have to make a choice between modeling or senior pictures. that is really not fair and I was like well we didn't pay $2000 for modeling for nothing so I told them I refused to do it before my photo shoot and they are like ok but the sooner the better and im like ok w/e and I was quite upset because I just don't want to have to make stupid decisions like that.

I hate how its okay for you to do whatever you want and to not worry about anyone else but if I did that then you would rage at me and thats what you've done before. It isn't fair.

And then today in gov't our group all got into a huge fight and it was bad. Sam was swearing at us and every word that came out of her mouth was fuck or bitch or something like that and I couldn't take it. I'm in a group with people who I can't stand. They are all the nerdy people and I don't have anything to talk with them and sam said just because elyse and I are popular that it makes them feel weird being around us and that we are better than them and for us it makes us mad because they think we are stupid and just screw around in school when thats not even the case at all. I don't think I would have good grades if I screwed around in school. I just couldn't deal with people bitching and they told Elyse to leave and when she left they started saying stuff about her and I stuck up for her and told them I was going to find her and Im not dealing with immature people and so I just told them to shut the hell up and I walked out the door. The other side is going to win this debate because now they know what happened and I don't care. I don't want to win anymore. I can't stand anyone in my group besides like 3 people and the rest are all annoying and immature so whatever. This isn't fun anymore. Now tomorrow I dred going to 5th hour...


But DeAnna's here so I should be on my way.

* a s h l e y

2 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 13 March :: 8.54 pm

your just now becoming one of those other 23 people online that I dont talk to.

You're all the same. every one of you. I haven't met someone differen't. you broke her heart and your just heartless for doing it and your never going to get anyone better but thats your problem. you a big disapointment sometimes and now because of you were missing 4 people in the family.

I wish you would just come online because I only got to talk to you for a few minutes today and thats not long enough.

I dont understand how you can do this to her and not care. Shes one of my best friends and im going to care about her. stupid stupid stupid.

I think I'm going to the mall with Logan next weekend because we want to go to hollister and I want to go to wetseal and we dont have those stores in the malls by us so were gonna go to the lakes mall.

Brad wants to hang out with me soon. im like wtf

yay hes online.

I need to go home because some of my books are at home but I'll just borrow them from someone else tomorrow and I get to leave school tomorrow early..

im done rambling so cya.

lie awake

:: 2005 13 March :: 7.07 pm

Firsts:
1. First best friend: Chloe Thrall

2. First car: I can't drive yet so why would I have a car?

3. First real kiss: Who? Curtis and he was my boyfriend for a very long time when I was younger. I don't know how old I was when we kissed.

4. First self purchased album: lol I don't remember

5. First funeral: My grandpas.

6. First pet: Our dog Jackson.

7. First piercing/tattoos: I was only one years old when I got my ears peirced so I dont remember it but I was 10 when I got my ears peirced for the 2nd time.

8. First Credit Card: I don't have one, unfortunely.

9. First big trip: Cancun

10. First music you remember hearing in your house: ahaha I dont know.

LASTS:
1. Last cigarette: I've never smoked.

2. Last car ride: today home from the mall and when I went out to eat.

4. Last good cry: I dont know what day it was but I think it was wednesday when I had a breakdown.

5. Last library book checked out: I dont really ever check them out I just buy them at the book store..

6. Last movie seen in theatres: Umm I can't remember what it was called...

8. Last food consumed: alot of food lol

9. Last crush: you all should know

10. Last phone call: Emily and Chloe both called me

11. Last time showered: This morning before I went to the mall.

12. Last shoes worn: clogs

13. Last item bought: Well I bought a billabong bathing suit, sunglasses, a bracelet, a shell necklace, and tons of clothes.

15. Last time wanting to die: a month ago maybe.

16. Last time scolded: a way long time ago.

17. Who are your best friends: Chloe, Kevin, and Emily

18. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend: Nope.

19. Last person you talked to: chloe or emily

SPECIFICS:
1. Do you do drugs: no

2. What kind of shampoo do you use: redken

3. What are you most scared of: getting murdered, being alone, getting hurt.

4. Where do you want to get married: In California on the beach.

5. What are you listening to right now: a song called follow me

6. How many buddies are online: 23 on msn messenger

7. What would you change about yourself: that I didn't care about things as much as I do

FAVORITES:
1. Colors: Pink, Orange, Purple and Lime Green in that order.

2. Foods: Pizza

3. Girl names: Taylor, Daveigh, Alexis, Hannah, Elle.

4. Boys names: Tyler, Caiden, Brandon.

5. Subject in school: Drama

6. Sports: surfing

7. Perfume: abercrombie kids perfume.

8. Cologne: idk?

HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Given anyone a bath: my little baby cousins

2. Smoked: no

3. Bungee jumped: no

5. Skinny dipped: yess..in california with a bunch of people last summer..fun times.

6. Been in love: no

7. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: yah who hasnt?

10. Cried when someone died?: obviously.what a dumb question.

11. Lied: yeah

12. Fallen for your best friend: no

13. Been rejected: yes

14. Rejected someone: yes

15. Used someone: no

16. Done something you regret: yeah quite alot of things.

CURRENT:
1. Clothes: jeans, pink slippers, and my pink shirt that says california on it with a palm tree.

2. Music: umm now im listening to american idiot by green day.

3. Make-up: umm none

4. Annoyance: the fact that some guys can be rude and that now he has to stay at my house for a week.

5. Smell: nothing.

6. Favorite artist: I have too many

7. Desktop picture: A picture of Lisa and I.

8. Book you're reading: To Kill A Mockingbird, for school.

9. Cd in player: dashboard confessional.

ARE YOU:
1. Understanding: yes sometimes.

2. Open-minded: at times.

3. Arrogant: sometimes.

4. Insecure: yes

5. Interesting: Maybe :P

6. Hungry: noooo

7. Smart: Yeah I guess

8. Moody: uh huh

9. Hardworking: Yeah I hate giving up.

10. Organized: yes

11. Healthy: maybe

12. Shy: Yeah when I'm around people I dont know

13. Attractive: sometimes

14. Bored easily: yes

15. Responsible: very

16. Obsessed: with clothes

17. Angry: sometimes if I have a reason

18. Sad: yeah sometimes

19. Disappointed: yep I'm disappointed right now.

20. Happy: sometimes.

21. Hyper: sometimes

22. Trusting: yeah usually

23. Talkative: always.

lie awake

:: 2005 13 March :: 12.27 pm
:: Music: benzino-rock the party

3 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 11 March :: 11.27 pm

You're bored, gotta wonder if theres more waiting for this dreamlife you >thought< you had in store.

I don't know if you've realized it yet but if you haven't you will soon and I hate to tell you this but that was just your chance.

Your loss.

Hopefully I get to hang out with him this weekend.

But I have to go finish burning my cds and go to sleep.

P.S. I love you more.

* a s h l e y

lie awake

:: 2005 10 March :: 6.43 pm

This past week has been quite an adventure with Mrs. Ryan. It started off the other day and I was telling a story to Chet,Casey,Nick,and Katelyn because they asked me something so we were supposed to be doing this assignment and I was talking away and working at the same time and my spanish name is Preciosa and shes like "Preciosa work and stop talking" so I just ignored her and kept talking because I WAS working and she yelled "PRECIOSA" and so I have an attitude so I yelled back and im like "WHAT" and shes like "WHAT DID I TELL YOU" and I go "I can work and talk at the same time im not retarded" and she shut up I was like yay. And then yesterday this is what happened. I sit next to Katelyn and she didnt do her english hmwk and I already did mine so I was helping her and our class wasn't even doing anything so I figured why not help her and my gov't book was open in front of me but I wasn't reading it or doing any hmwk for gov't and she decides to yell at me and say "close your book. its not time to be doing other hmwk in here" and I was like "im not even doing it" and she goes "dont defend yourself" so I was like "oh my gosh" and shes like "Preciosa, Calm down" im like "no you calm down" and that was the end of that and then today we had a test and she talks for like 20 minutes about the test before we actually take it and im like "ok can we just take it because your always complaining that we dont get anything done but you talk about god knows what". mistake there. and then she got mad at me for saying that but I dont care and we started talking the test and Chet asked her if the question was true or false and she got pissed at him and said he cant be talking in english and he was giving out to much information and so hes like can we say is it cerito or falso and shes like yes you can say that and hes like why does it matter everyone knows that means true and false and she flipped out on him and bruce did the same thing before chet and so she was even more mad and shes started yelling and then I was getting pissed because we cant ever do anything without her acting stupid so I put my head down and sighed like I always do and she was like "put your head up now" and I did and she started saying how nobody listens and she started crying and chet and I were laughing because she really is dumb and i have an attitude and it wont change.

I confuse myself and it pisses me off. I cant help it.

I finally told you what I I had to tell you but now I have something to say but im scared to tell you but I probably wont ever tell you and pretty soon I'm going to regret it but I regret alot of things.sadly.

my math grade is a C now. I seroiusly hate that class but I guess if I paid attention then I would actually know what I was doing but I don't listen. I've got more important things to worry about and I'm never going to use any of what I learn so I don't care really as long as my grade doesn't get worse than a C because to me C's are bad and all my other grades are A's and B's and I think I have a C+ but I hate C's!!

Cohen cracks me up sometimes. Hes asking me all these questions about modeling and im like " no thats not what we do" and hes like "sorry I just dont understand the modeling life"

guess not

but I have modeling this weekend. Shanda wont be there which sucks because shes one of my good friends that models with me and we always make it fun.

but I have alot of hmwk to do and the o.c is on in a half hour and I can't miss that.

and you asked me If I miss him. well I do, everyday.

just to let you know. i love you.

ashley.

7 shooting stars | lie awake