:: 2005 9 March :: 9.34 pm

There's so much that needs to be done lately, I can't make out whats important anymore. I don't know where my needs actually begin and someone else's end. I don't want to let anybody down because I feel like I'm fallin' down when I do.

Thats just it. I don't want to let you down because you told me what I needed to know and when I came and talked to you it was so easy for you to tell me what I should do and how I should feel but it isn't easy like you make it seem. You try being in my place for once and I'm so afraid of disapointing you and today in 3rd hour you asked me how I was doing and I told you I was okay and I just dont want to disapoint you or anyone and I just feel like thats what Im already doing and im hurting inside by doing this.

And.........

I don't know what to say right now and your online and your talking to me and im sorry. I have a feeling im going to screw this up. I can't do this to you and I wont let it happen. It's not fair to me but it's not fair to you more than anything.

but my mom is making me get offline because shes being a bitch.

Love Always, Ashley Megan

lie awake

:: 2005 7 March :: 3.14 pm

Why can't you two just find your own business and not worry about what I do or what she does or what we even say. Emily and I didn't even do anything so you can both stop acting immature.

I think something might be wrong with me because I can't breathe at all and its sort of scary and I should have went home today but I didn't and I wish I would have and now I think I'm getting sick too.

I have so much homework tonight. We have to write scripts in drama and mine is about 6 kids in a button club (Sam Foley thought of the idea) and its really the most pathetic thing I've actually wrote in my lifetime and it will be the last.

I dont want to chase you, id rather replace you.

Ashley

4 shooting stars | lie awake

:: 2005 6 March :: 8.03 pm
:: Mood: exhausted

Im seriously exhausted. I didn't sleep much at all because when all the Sonego cousins get together we get all hyped up and its just crazy.

My Uncle Mike,Sarah, and Rachel came up yesterday and my Aunt Lori, Lindsey and Brina came up on friday so we all were at my grandmas house and then they all decided they wanted to go to the casino so they asked Lindsey and I to babysit everyone else and it was fun besides the fact that Brina is only 2 years old and when I tried to put her in her crib to go to bed she starting screaming and crying and kept yelling "Want Out" and "No" because for some reason she gets excited being around all of her cousins and she thinks when she wakes up we are all going to be gone or something so she hates going to sleep and then they left to go to the casino at like 8pm and my uncle mike drove seperately so he got home at like 2am and we locked the doors and I was sleeping right by a window and he tried to get in but the door was locked and he started knocking on the window by us all and none of us even heard him and so he went to the back of the house by the screen door and started knocking again really loud and then the dogs heard him and started barking and then we all woke up and we heard him knocking and he was yelling at us for us to open the door but we didn't know it was him so we all started freaking out and im like "someones trying to get in the house" so Lindsey and I just pulled the blankets over our heads and closed our eyes and he kept knocking so we made my cousin Rachel get up and go see who it was and then it turned out to be him but it was really scary and I really thought someone was trying to get in and we were home alone in the middle of the night and then the dogs wouldn't stop barking so I went and screamed at them. It was just horriable and then everyone else got home at like 3am so they all started barking again and it was just horriable so I'm tired from that and today Brina was like clinging to me constontly and when I told her I had to leave she started crying and was like "no bye bye" im like "yeah I have to go bye bye" and she kept trying to take my coat off when I was holding her so I wouldn't leave and when anyone else tried to hold her or take her from me she would scream and grab onto me and she started hugging me and I was holding her for like a half hour and finally I actually had to go so I put her down and she started screaming and crying and she ran up to me and she called me mama. I'm not her mom wtf lol but I take care of her more than anyone else in this family does anyways so I guess you could say that but I felt so bad and when I was walking away she ran up to me and grabbed my legs and her mom grabbed her and she didn't even want to be with her. It was weird and my aunt said shes never done that to anyone before besides her and that she probably remembers me from all the times I've watched her.

But anyways that was way long and I dont even know what I was rambling about and I think in a few weeks I'm going to Detroit with Haileigh and Im going to go stay with My Aunt Lori, Linds, and Brina and we are going to go to Somerset Mall because that is the best mall ever and yeah I don't even know what else to say but I guess thats enough.

ashley*

lie awake

:: 2005 3 March :: 11.47 pm

I really dont care anymore about this.I don't. You can do whatever you want and I don't care. I'm done caring about you and I'm done trying to make something work when you wont even put anything into this and have fun doing this and as much as your trying to piss me off by acting like this you aren't and you can keep trying but when you finally figure out that its not doing anything to me at all besides making me think less and less of you everyday and how immature you really are.You think it bothers me but it really doesn't I just pretend it does so to let you in on that secret. I think you'll eventually stop and regret it but until then continue on with your little games and grow up in the process possiably but thats probably to much to ask from anyone.

I've lost you and your gone and you think I'm weak but your wrong, its only made me strong.

I think shes seen the light and realized she doesnt want you and I think I've realized in the past few days that I dont need you in my life at all because I dont have to worry about anything anymore and also I like two other people now so imagine that.

I'm really happy tonight but I should be on my way to bed.

Im going to the game tomorrow with Mike and Em.

aShLeY*

lie awake

:: 2005 3 March :: 3.28 pm

Today was just another day. I did find out though that I once went out with Collin Mull and I never knew that. Sort of sad that someone else has to tell me that I did go out with him years ago but I don't remember that and also Sam Foley is related to me. Kinda akward after everything but she is and netiher one of us know quite how but somehow we are.

I skipped most of spanish today and went and talked to Harnden since he told me to talk to him about stuff since he knows alot of things have been going on lately so I went up there and talked and then I went to Mrs. Ryans for the last 10 minutes and she was like "you really should get my permission to be going to another teachers classroom" and im like "ummm..alright then" and she's like "why did you have to go to his class?" I was thinking it really wasn't any of her business so I was like "because we had to talk" and shes like "was it about serious stuff" and im like "yeah, obviously" and then she was just like "ok". She really is a moron.

In a second im going to tell you to fuck off if you dont stop acting like a 5 year old. grow up for us all wont you? please.

lie awake

:: 2005 2 March :: 3.56 pm

You seriously are the dumbest person I know and we can't help but laugh at how dumb you are sometimes.

I really don't feel like I should have to explain myself to you anymore, ever.

I'm going to tell everything to Mr. H tomrorow because he asked me about it today but I didn't feel like talking about it again but I'm going to deff. tell him tomorrow.

I don't feel bad for you and I never will again. I will never let myself.

I'm hanging out with Emily this weekend..

but I have to leave..

ASHLEY*

lie awake

:: 2005 28 February :: 9.46 pm

Today was quite the day.

I stayed home and slept in and I came in for 3rd hour. I've been doing this atleast once a week so I should probably start going to school more often.

I need to actually stop worrying about everyone else for once and take time to deal with my own problems. I spend more time on trying to make everyone else happy and make sure they are okay when im the one whos not.

Lisa called me bawling today and I felt horriable. Everyone is just all having a rough time right now, even me and I hate it.

Lisa got stuck in my driveway today we were stuck for like 30 minutes and we had to have my mom and sister help us get out it was hilarious and when we stepped out we stepped in a huge snowbank.

People make mistakes and you should deffinately give her another chance since you made the same mistake twice.

We so better have a snow day tomorrow..

I don't know if he likes me or not but I sort of like him and I guess he might like me since someone asked me today what was going on between us and that we talk all the time and hang out so I guess maybe theres something and last year he used to like me alot so I guess we'll see what everyones talking about that im missing here.

Logan's mom just said that I was really pretty and that I've always been a pretty girl but the thing is I don't know who she is and I don't know how she knows me but she does..

Aaron Cohen just goes:

turn off the light so i can see my dreams says:
i mean i just wanna have sex with you but thats different....lol

*ASH* says:
lol yeah I want to too...

turn off the light so i can see my dreams says:
well i am gonna get going hottie face

lol thats what he calls me now how cute.


but I have to get in the shower and do my homework...

Love Always,
Ashley*

lie awake

:: 2005 27 February :: 11.18 pm

I can tell,
There's something you don't wanna tell me.
It's killing you,
Cuz the words are hard to find.
And I know,
You wanna break it to me gently.
Well, Sweet baby,
Say whats on your mind....

Let Er Rip,
Let it fly.
Come on baby,
Say It,
Do ya think I'm gonna cry?
Ain't about to bawl,
And i ain't gonna die
So if ya gonna say "Good Bye",
Don't take all day and night.
Let Er Rip,
Let it fly.


Why the drama?
we don't have to drag out the situation.
It wasn't you,
Wasn't me,
Sometimes the chemistry don't ignite.
The ain't no rings,
No motgage,
There anin't any complications.
Just a hyphenated word,
Get it out,
I'm sure I'll be alright.

It ain't no big deal,
Ain't no great loss.
You and I are on the same train of thought.
So you don't have to tell me where to get off.
Baby,
I miss-understood ya,
If you're leavin',
Baby,
Would ya?

Let Er Rip,
Let it fly.
Come on baby,
Say It,
Do ya think I'm gonna cry?
Ain't about to bawl,
And i ain't gonna lie.
So if ya gonna say "Good Bye",
Don't take all day and night.
Let Er Rip,
Let it fly.

For some reason I updated this thing hours ago, well atleast I thought I did but I guess I never clicked update journal or something. weird.

Anyways today so many people have called me. I talked to Lisa on the phone 3 different times for like an 1 1/2, Emily called me and we talked for like an hour and Tyler called me also and we talked for like an hour. Everyone is so worried about me and they are all like "are you okay" and I just laugh and say "yeah I'm fine" because I think I really am. I just laugh at your stupidity. I get something out of it.

Emily and I have this evil plan and were going to do it and I don't care what you say. Payback time.

I'm really not missing out on anything.

I sort of feel bad because Logan M. was online waiting for me to get on so he could ask me about something and I was on my other s/n and I didn't have him added and what not and im just rambling now.

anyways I have to tend to someone so im out.

ashleymegan

lie awake

:: 2005 26 February :: 8.37 pm

I miss you. I miss you so bad. I dont forget you. It's so sad. I hope you can hear me. I remember it so cleary the day you slipped away. It was the day I found it wont be the same.

Well modeling was fun today. We didn't get to do runway which sort of pisses me off because thats my favorite but we did poses for our photo shoot and its May 21 and I'm really excited but I'm scared because we have all these things we have to do before it. We had to do our hair and makeup for our shots for practice and they wanted me to do one with my hair wet so I had to wash it there lol it was quite interesting let me tell you. There was a photo shoot going on when we were there with one of the girls I know was getting her pictures taken and our agents friend was there and shes a runway model and she was extremely annoying and I wanted to slap her because since shes a model she thinks shes better than everyone else so if I ever get like that someone please shoot me.

Today on the way home my dad showed me the house we want to buy and its really pretty and it's in this neighborhood with a bunch of mansions. It's cool but I dont really want to move once again but anyways back to my point I think my dad feels bad for me because everything I once had from him is basically gone. It used to be just basically me and him all the time and I was always daddys little girl and I got everything I wanted because I'm his only child and now I have to have a bitch step mom and 2 little brothers and its just quite a differen't life for me and i'm still not used to it and I have to share everything with them and he bought me my own computer for x-mas a few years ago and now my little brothers are always in MY room on MY computer and they don't even ask and its MINE and he said he felt bad because he understood and he agreed that everything that is supposed to be mine is just everyones. I think we both get it. We understand. But anyways when we move my room wont be as big so I can't put my desk and computer in there so he just was like "I'm going to get you a laptop soon" im like "okay lol" and hes like "what kind do you want" I was like "umm a dell " and hes like "okay we'll go look and now when you go to Florida and California you can just bring it with you and talk to your friends online on the airplane, because I'm going to get you the wireless interent for it" I was sort of shocked because he just offers to buy me a laptop but hey whatever that works for me.

Today was actually good beacause I finally figured out the way that I wont be unhappy and think about everything is if I'm busy doing something and I never really thought about at all today and I guess I just have to forget about everything now and move on and concentrate on my friends and modeling. Today on the bus we watched Just Married, Save The Last Dance, Armagedden, and Bring it On. Awesome oh wow like totally freak me out I say right on.

Drew is here and hes staying the night and hes laying in my bed right now and Alisha is here too and so is her boyfriend Ruben..Everyone is staying the night..

Im being attacked right now by Jereco and Drew so I g2g..

peace out, ashley

lie awake

:: 2005 25 February :: 11.50 pm

All the pain I thought I knew, all my thoughts lead back to you, back to what was never said and back and fourth inside my head. I can't handle this confusion.

I was going to make this be a long entry just because I have alot of things on my mind and alot of things to say but I'm going to fall asleep any moment and I have a long day with modeling tomorrow. but tonight was fun and I'm going to go since I have to get up very early..

Love you, ashley*

lie awake

:: 2005 24 February :: 5.03 pm

I can't take this right now, it's all your fault
I blame you for my stupid, sorry ending that I shouldn't feel bad about. You are destroying who I am. I can't live in this constant panic of seeing you once, and then waiting for you again. My feelings aren't me, they're like another person, they control me, and tell me what to do, and tell me what not to. The truth is I hate myself, I hate how I am becoming, and I hate how I already am.

lie awake

:: 2005 23 February :: 3.19 pm

Im giving up on everything because you messed me up. You don't know how much you screwed up. You never listened and thats just to bad, because i'll move on and I wont forget you were the one that was wrong. I know I need to step up and be strong.

I regret everything and how everything was based on lies.


Today was the worst day I've had in a long time and I'm not going to explain the reason why because everyone reads this and its really none of their business but yeah I forgot my homework and it was due and I can't believe I forgot it because I never forget my homework, ever. And in drama I forgot to turn in my 3 character thing yesterday so I only got half credit today and I forgot to turn it in again. I don't know whats wrong with me and why I forgot everything today and that just made things worse and I hit my head on the floor in drama but not nearly as bad as Sam. Now I have a headache and you people are just making it worse.

I think I'm going to block you that way you wont talk to me because no matter what I say you don't listen anyways and you think its all a joke but just wait until it happens to you and then I'm going to laugh my ass off because I told you so..

I love Emily. It's nice to know that I have someone there for me that understands what I'm going through and we both can bitch together about everyone that is dumb and I tell her everything now. I just cant hold things in anymore and I'm not going to because it just makes things worse for me because I have to pretend nothings wrong rather then someone actually knowing something was wrong.

yeah im done with my ramblings for the day.

lie awake

:: 2005 22 February :: 5.25 pm
:: Music: ~true colors~

lie awake

:: 2005 20 February :: 10.51 pm

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
-Ashley
-Little One
-Ash, Megan, Meg, Meggy, and aShMeG

but thats more than 3 and I dont care.

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
umm how about I have
-RoxySurfBabe1892
-italia_forever7@hotmail.com
-welikewhoweareandyoucantchangethat@hotmail.com (chloe and I's email)

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
-The fact that I can eat anything I want and never gain weight or breakout.
-my skin, hair, eyes...

THREE THINGS YOU HATE ABOUT YOURSELF:
-I'm to emotional
-I'm very impatient
-and I dont trust anyone really besides Chloe..

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
-Italian!! DUH

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
-death
-anything that will hurt me in the ocean
-spiders

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
-my cell phone
-my purse
-money

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
-a roxy tank top
-pink slippers
-roxy pajama bottems

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE ARTISTS:
-maroon 5
-green day
-kelly clarkson

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
-"Bless The Broken Road"- Rascal Flats (Flatts) idk
-"If Heaven"-Andy Griggs
-"Blvd. Of Broken Dreams" -Green Day
and any dashboard confessional songs

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
-to get pregnant..umm no im kidding well maybe not...yah actually I am..
- i have no clue lol

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
-funness lol idk if thats a word
-to be able to trust the person
-and alot more that I dont want to describe.

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (In no particular order):
-I love California
-Chloes cat aka my boyfriend died
-Chloe and I have a fish named Mailbox that died recently

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
- eyes
- personality
- looks...

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE SAME SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
- nothing at all!

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
- alot of things..to much to name.

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
-going shopping
-modeling :)
-umm hanging out with friends..

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
-actress
-modeling
and I dont know for the last one

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
-Italy
-Bahamas
-Hawaii

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
- fall in love
-go to those 3 places
-become famous

THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW OR ELSE...
-whoever feels like it.

lie awake

:: 2005 18 February :: 10.06 pm

Tonight was the most fun I've had at a game in such a long time.

I <3 Lindsey and Elyse for tonight and the whole thing with the new kid and he wants my number but I'm not going to get into it because everyone will assume things when they don't even have a clue.

Lately I haven't been home and I've been hanging out with Lisa alot.

and I also need to clean my room because I clean it if someone comes over and then a day later its already trashed..I cant even find my floor and theres clean clothes everywhere that need to be hung up. its getting pretty pathetic how pathetic I am.

I hate seeing someone hurt for the same reasons I am but with a different person just because I know EXACTLY how it feels and I feel so bad and I wish I could take the pain away from them.

I also really hate when people I know tell me they are going to kill themselves like right now because now I don't know what to say or do and I don't want to say the wrong thing to actually make this person do it but I deff. wont say their name and when they tell me "maybe tomorrow night will be it" doesn't make things easier for me when I know they are being serious and they aren't just trying to get attention like some people.

but anyways I'm going to the mall tomorrow and my dads giving me money just because he loves me...actually I dont know why but I just have a way with him to get what I want.

your such a baby about everything. get over it.

yah so thats about it 4 tonight..

ashley***

lie awake