The never ending party = My Utopia
I was told today that I should find where I stand with God. That I should get to know Him and let him know who I am. But I dont even know who I am myself. Shouldn't I find that out before I show him who I am? And what if there isn't a God, then I just wasted all that time trying to find him. It's like the never ending game of hide and go seek. And what about hell? Why does everyone have to go there? I mean, is it only Jesus and God in heaven? Because everyone is a sinner. No one is perfect. And everyone that tells me to find God and get saved are a bunch of hipicritical in my eyes. I bet 20 dollors that they dont follow all the ten commandments (which I also think is a buncha mumbo-jumbo). I mean noone does follow them. And if they do there is no way that they follow all of them. I dont know. I just find it rediculous. I mean, if we're all going to hell (if there is one) then it must not be that bad because come on, if everyone else is going there I want to go too because heaven would be boring and lonely. And who's to say there is a heaven or a hell? What if this is hell that we're in right now? I dont quite believe in heaven, I mean I dont really believe in anything at the moment but I think instead of going to heaven, everyone has their own little Utopia that they go to. I dont think someone deserves to go to hell let alone appologize for saying "God Damn" or "Jesus Fucking Christ". You only deserve it if you are like a murderer or a rapiest or something. And praying I think is rediculous unless it's needed. I dont pray, I feel rediculous when I do. It's like talking to air. And asking God for forgiveness? I dont get it...Why ask him to forgive me for that beer I drank last night when he hasnt asked for forgiveness when he let my grandma die of cancer, when he watched me get my heartbroken by that asshole, or yesterday when he turned his back as my car broke down in the ghetto? If I have to ask him to forgive me he should ask for forgiveness in return. Because yes I have to power to control my actions and what I do, but I dont have the power to cure illnesses or change the weather or anything. Thats another reason that makes me feel like there is no God. If there was, wouldn't he want his childern to be happy? I'd like to think so. I know my parents would do anything to make me and my sibblings happy, why doesn't he?

I pulled a Jesus fish off the bumper of my car yesterday in the burger king parking lot and I noticed a few funny glares from people, esspecially my friend Ashley (aka - Smashley). Why should I get dirty looks for not letting it look like I worship something that I dont? I dont want to give people the wrong idea. Thats like drawing anachry simbols when you're a republican, or having a "Freedom isnt free" bumper sticker when you live in China.

What brings this up is I had a kid that drinks almost everyday, does drugs, and has horrible permiscuous sex told me that I need to find my place with God. wtf? This kid thinks I'm just the anti-christ I think. I mean we're friends and all but he just assumes that I'm athiest and that I'm racest and all this. I think I just look like a kkk-nazi-athiest bitch to him or something. And that's not how I am. I'm not athiest or racest, I'm just opinionated...

I think if there is a God, I'd like to think that we're on good terms right about now. I stay out of His business, He stays out of mine. I dont ask Him for anything, He doesnt ask for much out of me either. It's an easy relationship to obtain.

1 shooting star | lie awake