valoth
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2010 11 January :: 1.09am
Seriously I am a glutton for punishment. I make my own damn head hurt from this shit spinning round my brain.
EDIT: Who's amazing at beating himself up mentally? *point at self with both thumbs* This guy!
Its a damn good thing I detest alcohol.
Stop My Beating Heart
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valoth
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2010 11 January :: 1.08am
:: Music: Dirty Vegas / Days Go By (Steve Osbourne Acoustic Mix)
I am a lumocks
You
You
You are still a whisper on my lips
A feeling at my fingertips
That's pulling at my skin
You leave me when I'm at my worst
Feeling as if I've been cursed
Bitter cold within
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you
Without you
Without you
You are still a whisper on my lips
A feeling at my fingertips
That's pulling at my skin
You leave me when I'm at my worst
Feeling as if I've been cursed
Bitter cold within
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you
Without you
Without you
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you
Days go by and still I think of you
Days when I couldn't live my life without you
Without you
Without you
Stop My Beating Heart
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valoth
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2010 7 January :: 12.28am
Trying to not give in to old habits...reoccurring ones.
I want to do something everyone would probably think is really stupid to do. The timing seems like it could be right though. Ugh. I hate it. My stomach turns just thinking about it, and my heart says just freaking do it. My brain says no. My feet dont go. So...what to do. Sheesh.
FUCKSALT
Love, Forgiveness, Chocolate?
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Stop My Beating Heart
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m&ms487
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2010 5 January :: 9.07am
:: Mood: awake
I love the sound of your breathing as you lay next to me dreaming.
I went and purchased my books for the start of my second-to-last semester here as an undergraduate (I'm not counting the two classes I'm taking this summer).
It really wasn't bad as far as cost goes, but Ancient Literature has 11 books.
This semester I'm taking:
FRN 202: Intermediate French II
ENG 261: Ancient Literature
PSC 375: Socialism, Liberalism, and Fascism
PSC 321: The American Chief Executive
I'm pretty excited. It's the first semester that I've only taken 12 credits. I'm trying to go light after last semester's 17. I figure French will take up its fair share of time, and although the other three classes are two and three hundred levels, I feel like I might get a lot out of them without doing much homework other than reading. We'll see.
After this semester I will have 112 credits. I need 124 to graduate, but I'm going to end up with something like 128. This summer will be my two biology classes to finish up my area requirements for my Bachelor of Arts degree which will take me to 118, and then I'm looking into taking nine credits next fall with one graduate level class that will count as graduate credit as to make me a full-time student.
A year from now I will be starting graduate school, and then hopefully getting a post in Teach for America. By the end of all this the plan is to have a Master of Arts in English and one in Education.
Or, I could just give up, get pregnant, work at Meijer for my entire life, and waste away as an intellectual person. I think I'll choose the first.
Stop My Beating Heart
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valoth
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2010 1 January :: 11.29pm
The things we learn...sheesh.
Stop My Beating Heart
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rayray
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2009 31 December :: 11.22am
I was trying to remember what I have done on New Years Eve for the past 10 years.. but there are some blank memories in there..
So, if you were involved, tell me memories you shared with me..
Stop My Beating Heart
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joslyn_julia
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2009 31 December :: 2.49am
this is me being pissed.
grrr....
somedays i just don't understand why he even bothers, especially when i seem to just be a nuisance...
Stop My Beating Heart
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valoth
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2009 26 December :: 11.31pm
Here I am, there you are.
How did we ever let things get this far.
I have no money, I have no car.
I like you but the distance is too far.
You may sulk, you may soar, you think like before.
A time gone past, those ways don't last.
Cherish the moment.
Just try to make them last.
We definitely need atonement.
-------
In other news I fucking love this song, I dont know why!
Empire of the Sun- Walking on a Dream
Stop My Beating Heart
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rayray
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2009 25 December :: 4.06pm
Had a rough couple of days.
They were more or less just extremely emotional and frustrating.
Had a hard time dealing with the 5 year anniversary of my grandma's death, and then this being the first christmas without my other grandma.
Argued 2 days in a row, with probably the most ignorant person in Ionia County.
I have felt a lot of unnecessary stress this week.
I think I am finally getting over it.
Thought I would have more Christmas spirit than I ended up with, but I guess shit happens.
Better luck next year.
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Stop My Beating Heart
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outsyder18
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2009 25 December :: 12.00am
Merry Christmas Bitches!
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Stop My Beating Heart
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valoth
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2009 24 December :: 11.42pm
:: Music: "I See You" by Leona Lewis
Haunted
I see you.
Stop My Beating Heart
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valoth
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2009 23 December :: 10.58pm
Jade is my color.
I try to not look at times past. I try so hard. I hate myself when I do think of them.
I try to live by the moment. For the now.
I forgive. I forget....too much.
I am flawed. I am broken. I am human.
To those who fell away. May my deeds be forgiven.
To those who are around, thank you.
For those who would give up on me. So be it, your choice. I cannot stop you.
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Stop My Beating Heart
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m&ms487
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2009 23 December :: 7.45pm
"I have a life that did not become,
that turned aside and stopped,
astonished:
I hold it in me like a pregnancy or
as on my lap a child
not to grow old but dwell on
it is to his grave I most
frequently return and return
to ask what is wrong, what was
wrong, to see it all by
the light of a different necessity
but the grave will not heal
and the child,
stirring, must share my grave
with me, an old man having
gotten by on what was left"
-A.R. Ammons, "Easter Morning"
Stop My Beating Heart
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jayzulla
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2009 22 December :: 3.12am
Avatar was pretty badass. mad people are going to see that movie. 3d has been sold out forever.
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Stop My Beating Heart
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spud
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2009 21 December :: 2.18pm
:: Mood: kinda stressed
My birthday weekend.
both gigs went well this weekend. friday was definitely more fun for me. saturday didn't really pan out at all how i hoped, but i still got a couple drinks from people, which was nice. the mix didn't sound very good for the first set or two on saturday because the bartender kept coming up to me and barking orders at me. seriously, the second time he came up to me and asked me to "turn it down... mostly the drums" and i kindly explained to him that i had no control over the loudness of the drums, and that if he wanted things quieter (as i had already acquiesced to his prior request) he would have to go ask the drummer to play more softly. as it turned out, i just told the drummer i was going to mix around him from then on... since the mix sucked because i brought the mains down... and that he would be the benchmark for whatever volume we wind up at. i also mentioned that we had a request to "turn it down," but that i wasn't his boss, so i wouldn't tell him what to do. he did play a little softer, which was actually nice for him, since it wasn't so much of a workout that way.
ultimately, though, people are dumb. especially people in charge of bars. you cram an acoustic drum set into an alcove with a big glass window and a tile floor and expect it to NOT be loud? that's just plain stupid.
friday night was fun, though. a total jam. it was so nice to play in front of a crowd, with other musicians. there's just something magical about that combination that makes it so much fun. the bass player had a nice pocket, so it was really easy for me to settle into a groove pretty much right away on every song. the hardest part was taking cues for changes, stops, endings, etc. especially from the guitar player. what a dick. i agreed to give him my vocal mic, so he could run his amp through the PA, and during sound check it was fine, but he kept turning his amp up throughout the show, so that by the end of the night it was waaaay too loud. and he was terrible at giving cues. it was like he expected me to somehow magically just know what he was thinking, and do exactly what he wanted me to. utterly ridiculous. diego's cues were much easier to follow. and my performance on the respective songs showed it. every song that roger led wound up being kind of a trainwreck. and did i mention that it really shouldn't have been, since every single one was the exact same 12-bar blues. i wanted to shoot myself. he did one that was in 6/8. that was kind of exciting. but then he still fucked up the cues, so i had no idea what was going on. diego's got the right idea, though. you start together, you end together, and you jam out in the middle. that's how it works. and you communicate effectively where the changes are TO THE ENTIRE GROUP so that everyone is together. otherwise, you wind up with what roger gave us, which is diddly, and sounds bad. also, there were several songs (most notably rock and roll by led zeppelin) that i had to drastically slow down, because roger was old and couldn't play that fast. i had not practiced at those speeds, which made it feel strange. then, he left early and didn't help tear down, because he had to work in the morning. but in the end, diego paid me extra, so he must've thought i had done a good job, and he said that anytime he needs a drummer, i'll be his go-to guy. so that's cool.
i was supposed to work today, but the truck is no longer road legal, as i have no registration OR insurance for it. so i emailed the office, and explained the situation and that i would not be able to work today. hopefully they got the message and understand.
i was kinda pissed at them anyway, because usually they ask me if i'm available before they schedule me. this time, they scheduled me without asking, saying that someone would call to confirm with me on saturday. i never received a phone call - still haven't. i was never asked if i was available (which i am obviously not, for one reason or another). i don't think i'm in the wrong here. i do feel bad in that i should have told them sooner, but i was holding out on the hope that i'd get enough birthday money, and have enough leftover from the gigs to take care of all those issues. unfortunately, that did not wind up being the case.
and my fucking loan payment is due in a week again. i haven't heard back at all from that deferment request i submitted.
all in all, life is bullshit, but i'm still trying to make the most of it.
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Stop My Beating Heart
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