Suburban days, they last so long,
In shop and office,
We sing our song we all sing...
We ain't got nothing, nothing to do,
A big fat nothing, Nothing for me, Nothing for you...
Suburban dreams, Just out of reach,
Work til you die, that's what they teach you at school,
With that in mind, what's there to lose?
My friends and I, doped up on tv fags and booze.
Hear them all singing...
[CHORUS:]
We're the ones that you've forgotten,
But we will not be denied,
Coming out of the shadows,
We rock the satellites!
Suburban Nights, They get so hot,
People get angry, We sing our song we all sing...
A Global terror they say, We are at war,
But I ain't got time for that cos,
These bills keep dropping through my door
[CHORUS:]
We're the ones that you've forgotten,
Out of mind, out of sight,
Coming out of the shadows,
We rock the satellites!
All these people who, criticize us,
We're only saying what we're seeing with our own eyes..
This one way system, It ain't - It ain't paradise,
Not everybody, Wants to race, wants to fight...
Hear them all singin...
[CHORUS:]
We're the ones that you've forgotten,
But we will not be denied,
Coming out of the shadows,
We rock the satellites!
We're the ones that you've forgotten,
Out of mind out of sight,
Coming out of the shadows,
Coming live via satellite...
I think my Ego has some issues to talk to me about. Its growing too big for its own good. Its attempts to satisfy both my superego and id just fails. It overcompensates both and ends up rushing into recovery mode. The superego and the id just end up bashing the ego together making a mess in my head. Neither of the two parts is getting what it wants because the ego fucked up. It doesnt know how to tag things on one side and make the other end understand its meaning. This sersious lack of inner correspondence is my fault. My black hole. Every problem it eats only makes the hole grow and become worse.
When do i get my cut in this process? when do i get to let go of the leash making this mess?
If you want me to just cut my losses and start over, then fucking give me a sign about what to do once Ive cut and run.
I've been nervous for days and though I know once I get on the plane my stomach is going to be in knots again and I'm going to feel sick, that's ok.
I was freaking out about packing, but it's going surprisingly well so I think that's helping my anxiety a bit. I was also stressing a bit about all of the things I had to buy, but everything I need right away is purchased and I have money for what I need when I get there.
I feel like Wednesday cannot come soon enough. For a while I was almost dreading this and sad, but I think it's coming at the best possible time for me. I think it's what I should be doing. I know the first month is probably going to suck, I'm going to want to come home, and it's going to be exceptionally hard, but it not being easy is probably what makes the journey worth it.
Unbounded hook ups.
I don't think I could ever become someone like that. Even the thought of it makes me feel sick. I can't see that feeling good or right. I'll never be one of those people. I don't know what it is about me, but something about it is sacred in a way. I've thought about it, talked about it, made jokes about it, but there's no trophy case or number high enough to make me intrigued. I've had my chance and I thank my cold feet. It's gross and futile. Oh, what is this world becoming? How am I to know?
At times I've tried to be something I'm not. It's never worked out for me.
I'm thankful.
You won't find love in a- won't find love in a hole.
It takes more than fucking someone to keep yourself- see in the dark!
Can you see the look in your face?
The flashing white light's been turned off.
You don't know know who's in your bed.
It takes more than fucking someone you don't know to keep warm.
Do you really think that for a house beat you'll find your love in a hole?
The Brand New concert was amazing. I've never been to a concert where a band played so long and incorporated every single album, and not just one song, but at least a few from each. Even their first album. Not only that, but they gave a lot of their songs a new style and changed them up a lot to keep them interesting, but have their fans still be able to sing along. Jesse's voice is even more powerful, beautiful, and soft in person. I got teary eyed when they played some songs from Deja Entendu. In front of me there was this one guy who was just SO into it. He was drunk, of course, but I didn't see him as obnoxious. He knew the words, he felt the music, and he was just so into it and then to my right there was another guy who was also really feeling it. I don't know.. I guess seeing other people, complete strangers especially, connecting to something as much as I do is just a beautiful thing. To know that though we're all different, strangers, and life separate lives we can all have an emotional, deep connection to something breath taking. It doesn't matter how someone dresses or how they look, some people will completely surprise you. And it's not about having similar tastes in music, it's about connecting to words on such a level that you feel your entire body bursting at the seams. I think that, itself, is breath taking.
::
2009 4 October :: 8.24am
:: Music: Frightened Rabbit
As each day comes to an end I am starting to freak out a little more. I am not ready, I don't know what to pack, the physical training is going to kill me, waking up at 5:30 is going to kill me, not having my own space, sitting in classes, etc. etc. etc.
I am a very routine person. I love to experience new things, I love to travel, I love to be spontaneous and just go, and I love learning new things, but when it comes to my every day normal life I am very routine and organized.
I am scared, I am nervous, but when I really think about my life I can't imagine going on how I am. Yeah, it's been great and fun and I've made tons of amazing memories, but am I really living with purpose? No. Am I making any sort of change? Other than recycling, no. My biggest purpose in life cannot be recycling. So, this is it.
I kind of want to struggle and be disciplined and not want to wake up every day and help other people, but do it anyway. Generally people live very selfish lives and I can easily say I do and it's time for a change.
I suppose what I am most nervous about is how the people are going to be. My team leaders and team mates. I don't know what to expect and I want to go in being myself, but what if who I am doesn't mesh with my team? And what if everyone just looks at me as a joke because I'm not exactly muscly. I really don't want people to look at me as weak. Though I won't say I can't lift a whole lot and I may not be all that strong physically, but I do think I am bringing something to the table worth value.
Ugh. None of this matters. I am doing this either way. Worrying is stupid. I am just anxious and want to be there already so I can see what I am dealing with and well, deal with it.
