cleverlinesunread

Growing up or being an adult has always been an odd concept to me. I often wonder what exactly says you've grown up. What is the point you become an adult? Sometimes I've thought maybe age, but I don't think that's it. I've met plenty of twenty-thirty year olds who still don't "act their age." But then, what exactly does acting your age mean? I'm not quite sure. Are the experiences what determine if you're an adult? I know in some ways I've felt more grown up, but in others I still feel like a child. And I can't help but wonder when I'll feel like an adult. Does it just happen without even realizing it and then one day you're like, wow.. I'm really grown up. Is it having your own house? Or even simpler paying your own bills? Getting married? Having a child? Finding a career? Getting a degree? But then when I think of Red Flannel Day and how I'll be "visiting where I grew up" and "where I used to go to school" it starts to connect for me. When you can say you're going back to something, in the past, I think you're on your way to the rest of your life. Past High School and those relationships and those ideals. It's something new. So I think in a lot of ways I am growing up or an adult, but do I feel any clearer about my life? No. Do I act all mature and proper? No. Am I in a long term committed relationship? No. Do I have any real assets of value? No. But I suppose the actual question is if I care. And right now I just don't. I'm happy not to be in High School anymore, or in Cedar, or living with my parents, but I'm happier knowing feeling like a child, sometimes, isn't over yet. I don't want to lose that and I fear if I settle into anything I may. And maybe that's ok, maybe there's more to life than excitement and newness, but for now all I want is new. And change. And to keep growing, but not in such large leaps that I've forgotten what it's like to be where and who I am now. I've got a lot of work to do and I think in this next year I'm going to do more growing than I can even fathom. When I left for Australia I wasn't exactly prepared to grow in the ways I did. I let go of a lot of anger. I started to love and value my family. I learned who my true friends are, but most importantly my passions for life became so clear and evident that those around me felt like I changed who I was over night and on such an extreme level. Maybe it's not apparent to most, but my heart grew and what I cared about changed, and my emotions started to curl and attach themselves so strongly to what I was learning to love. I cried, A LOT, that year. Maybe it was out of frustration, maybe it was out of missing, maybe it was because I felt alone in a house full of people, but I really think it was due to shedding my skin and forming a new layer that no one else could feel. It's hard to describe, but when faced with something so great and out of your grasp, the overwhelming feeling of having no control almost frees and cages you at the same time. I don't really know what I'm saying or what the point of this is, it's just to say I'm moving on from a lot, I've learned a lot, I've had the best Summer I've ever had in my life, and I think that's the way to end one part of my life and lead onto the next. Because though this Summer has been amazing and pretty close to drama free, in the last few weeks-months I've gone through a lot, alone, and my ego's been bruised so much to the point where I've wondered how I'm not crying myself to sleep some nights. I've had a lot of time to reflect and wonder and I won't get into it, but in one aspect of my life I feel so prepared and ready and giving and all that's left to do is wait. So, I wait and I wonder and I'm not sure how much longer til I feel myself break in a way.

I'm leaving soon and as it gets closer that anxious, scared feeling starts to create knots in my stomach. Every time I leave I get the same feeling of independence. Like a moment to say "this is it" and before I know it I'm on new ground. This time it's not as interesting as a new country with new accents, words, and foods I've never heard of, but it's going to be something equally or greater to learn from.

In a lot of ways I'm ready to say goodbye to this part of my life and in other ways I've never felt so hesitant, either way though I think it's needed and whether I'm ready or not, here I go.

Stop My Beating Heart