The things we do to get into Heaven..
I'm determined to put $10 into Woohu. I have two accounts I know I'll pay for, which would leave three empty slots. If by some seriously random attempt someone stumbles upon this partially abandoned journal, and provided the stumbler knows good enough English to make me read their journal (assuming they have one), I'll oh-so-generously pay for their account (also provided they had one, say, three months ago).

On better days and brighter topics, I must cut this entry short as I now, according to the back of my neglected mind, have a social life.

Scary.

"He'll never change, he's just not there, he'll never say you're beautiful."
Onto life. I've met some interesting people at Elftown who I'm becoming to enjoy very much. One started chatting with me out of personal reasons about similarities, then their friend (a fellow bandmate) introduced himself to me and we've had all sorts of amusing topics to write about since. I'd very much like to go to one of their shows sometime.

Other than that, things are going so slowly for me. I practically have nothing to do these days. I'm trying to get things to do but to no avail. It's hard just waiting for things to happen sometimes. I want to get back into art but nothing motivates me other than a selfish desire to obtain Elftown art related badges. ;) So I've stuck to writing as of late, writing poetry in particular. I still participate in a Canadian forum where I share poetry whenever I feel like it or when I write something worthwhile. Then there's a local forum a fellow anime artist hosts that I visit from time to time.

Good music is worth my time. Yes, that's a given. Today someone sent me a song (see above) so I'm very happy listening to that now. Right now on my playlist for your temporal amusement:
Jack Off Jill -- Vivica
Placebo -- Every You Every Me
Loser's Luck -- Move On
Plumb -- Damaged
Krafted in Korea -- Fight Song

Yep, that's all. Three of those songs the same guy sent me, while two I downloaded from a semi-local website for local bands.

My sister has been discussing jobs, her defunct boyfriend, illegal citizenship, child support, trouble (the game), jello asses, and moving out the whole time I've been writing this post. She always catches me at times where I'm trying to get some writing done and it distracts me horribly to the point where one paragraph takes ten minutes to accomplish. I'll try to get some sleep, or clean my room, read a book, doodle; something that doesn't involve serious thinking.

Hope you don't miss me
I'm busy coding at Lost Legends, still, and just as of recent someone I've known in high school is starting to keep in touch with me. So, it seems, I'm getting a social life? Or a personal life? Something like life. She's part of some church that insists on skipping Halloween by playing games at the church. From her disgust, I'd say she's been doing this for a few years. So I invited her to come by my house to "pass out candy" but we'll probably run around outside and be total dumbshits for the whole night. We'll probably visit my neighbors and take their candy too. It'll be fun.

Lack of Updates
I haven't written much lately, mainly because I created a new journal. . It's for Lost Legends, though, so that's hardly an excuse. Well, summarizing what happened since the last entry..

Along with Andy's birthday, my father also had his birthday on October 5th. We were going to visit Hobby Lobby, because my father is into that kind of stuff, but it was closed. So, since we went two hours away from home and the store was closed, we decided to visit a bookstore instead. That place was awesome. In the end, my brother and I bought a manga each, which was pretty damn sweet. I bought Chronicles of the Cursed Sword (only because I rented the Korean version in a store, long, long time ago), so I was thrilled. I wish I could have had the Korean version though, I saw some minor differences in the two books. Hmm. . . long story with that rental place. You could rent a manga per dollar, for a month, and I forgot to hand the three books back. The owner was pissing off my mother, so she hasn't visited the rental place in months. The last time she did, though, the owner forgot about the books I had also. So I have three mangas in my room now, which I paid for a fucking dollar. Now that's sweet. I wish I had rented the two Chronicles of the Cursed Sword at the time though. . . but then again, the ones I rented were not too bad either. I have two HunterXHunter manga, and a stupid-ass one, Normal City. I only rented that last one to compare the two styles, but it's not what I had hoped for, when I took it out the store. Oh well. I'm sure I can find unused Korean CCS manga. Heh. CCS. Skateboarding company. Yea.

Audubon
Finally, I have mail. Sweet. Very sweet. I haven't received any mail from a person in about a year or two, and that was a penpal I met through Penpals.com. But I guess this is no different, because I filled out a form to receive mail. God.. Damnit. The good news is that this is real mail. I'm not being asked to purchase anything and I don't have to fill out family and home surveys for a buck, this is information I requested. And mail just doesn't get any better than that. (Well, for someone who doesn't get mail.)

It's Audubon's Protect The Arctic Campaign by the National Audubon Society, and if you check out the latter website you'll notice it ends in .org. My favorite kind of websites. That means it's a completely non-profit organization, which if you couldn't figure that out by what I've mentioned so far, then you'll be assured when you see the website. I forget where I originally saw the address, maybe some chickmag, but I'm a fan of non-profit shit. So, a little information about Audubon.

"The mission of the National Audubon Society is to conserve and restore natural ecosystems, focusing on birds and other wildlife for the benefit of humanity and the earth's biological diversity. Founded in 1905, the National Audubon Society is named for John James Audubon (1785-1851), famed ornithologist, explorer, and wildlife artist."

Here are the facts I read in the papers they sent me.

Sounds like Hunting Season
The last time I was prancing around on the Internet I was conversing with a guy and my father comes home late. He most always has a story to tell about his day at work and this one had to do with a deer. He said, "I saw the most beautiful deer today, with the biggest brown eyes and everything. Then I put a bullet through its forehead." I typed that to the guy and he replies, "I don't like hunting." But before I could explain, he made a run to a convenience store.

I didn't explain the whole story but, it wasn't hunting, it was more like 'mercy killing'. The deer was hit by a car and had three broken legs. Definitely not hunting. The guy I was conversing with seems to always know the situation but tends to expect the worse, but he's not pessimistic at all. So it's hard for me to mention anything to him that won't offend him in one way or another, or make him disagree but not tell me about it. I already know, so he doesn't have to speak his thoughts, but it'd be nice every now and then so I'm not just talking to myself. This is one of the stranger relationships I've ever had with a person. I would like to know him better. I have actually put effort into trying to keep a relationship with him. I'd use the term friendship but it's not like that, it's just a fading bond between us. We have so much in common and I don't think he wants to be reminded of this, so chooses to dodge me. Maybe the decisions he's made in life are so great right now, and the life he's living is amazing, that he no longer wants to be associated with me. I just bring people down. But I've tried to work things out with myself. The days where I'm overwhelmed with happiness and excitement are the days that he's not doing so well. Then the days where he's overjoyed about something, I'm not doing so great. So our conversations never work out the way we would like. Dropping ties to people is so easy for me to do, but somehow I don't want to drop this one. We both have nothing to gain in a friendship, so maybe that's the problem.

I let loose my thoughts again.. I'd probably go back and edit it but I'd like to read this months down the road and laugh at my stupidity for ever showing feelings. Such is my life.

So, I've been writing this up and all in the while I'm hearing gun shots in the distance. I can hear the noise to the south so it's made by the owner of the expanse of field and trees nearby. Hunting on his own private land. I believe it's still bow season, but as long as you do your shit on your own land, it's fair game.

I have never hunted, technically. I have fired weapons, but not at animals. I'm what product inventors would call 'someone who abuses a product's main function'. And that's it. I have a short story written up about one such case, detailing the event, that if you'd like to read it you'll have to contact me.

See Above
I'm feeling confused and upset right now. Chatted with someone for a good while tonight. If I have any friends right now, he's it. I hardly know the guy but I'd like to learn, though everything I seem to tell him comes off as uninteresting. I'm not trying to impress him and I don't intend to, I just wish he could understand me a little better. "That's what I don't understand. That's what I don't know." The music I'm listening to now. The quote of my life.

"I open my mouth but there's nothing to swallow down. I'm scratching my face like there's something farther down." It feels like all the lyrics to this song are suddenly connecting to me after years of listening to. All of the songs, actually, on this CD are just starting to sing my soul. Music has the largest influence on my life. I can watch anime all day and not feel as touched, and anime is also a huge part of my life. Music sets my mood some days, like now. I should be listening to uplifting music, but instead I'm listening to some of the most personally depressing songs. Such is life.

I think it'd be great to be in a band. My self-taught guitar lessons aren't coming along so well, but I love to sing. Many people don't know this. I've never had any singing lessons though, I mean, I'm me. I write poetry and sing to myself when no one's around. It's just to myself, all to myself. A 'nobody' once tried damn hard to trick me into singing for him. Ass. Then a semi-stalker, who listens to opera and participates in choir, once told me I have a great speaking voice and that I could probably sing well. So he asked me to sing for him. This also did not work, because I insulted him months prior and he was taking pictures of me for a month straight and generally pissing me off.

So. Several people have asked me to sing for them, but it didn't work. And, not to tie this into singing but, I still have a phone card with 200 minutes on it and I'm kind of upset. I can't figure out, for the life of me, why I ever bought it in the first place. I thought I was doing something nice but it turns out I'm just another "creepy stalker", so says the brotherly figure. Creepy? Whatever. I should have sold it to my sister, damnit.

Speaking of family, I obviously didn't to go the Ren Fest. I called my sister the day we were supposed to go and she said she had no money left, because she went grocery shopping the night before. I asked what she bought and she said candy! Unfuckingbelievable.

I've been having the weirdest ass dreams imaginable lately. Some freaky ass shit. So unnerving your mind couldn't comprehend the complexity. Damn, I'd really like to keep a dream log.

Skipping topics. Writing in this is more for me than anything else. Even though I leave a lot of its original content out. I don't know why. Ok, I do, but I don't know why I wouldn't know why or why I wouldn't want to admit why. But the guy I mentioned earlier, he got a webcam set up some days ago. I was looking at it today and fucking around with him with stupid comments like, "Sit still, I can't draw you."

Ok, my mother is going around at TWELVE O FUCKING MIDNIGHT asking for pennies. She's supposed to be sleeping. I've just lost all interest in everything I planned to do after this post, and instead I'm just going to sleep.

Art Talk (No, not the dreadful book..)
Sitting in front of me, or shall I say propped up, is a quick drawing of an anime guy. Why? Because I want to stare at him at any given time while fucking around on the computer. I'm self-teaching myself anatomy these days, so right now there's pages upon pages of clothesless guys in my sketchbook. I've already self-proclaimed mastery of drawing the face, so now I'm slowly working on the body by starting on the chest and torso. Nice. I wish I had a model though, that would speed up the learning process by at least five times. I learn by visuals. Though my mind is filled with the most creative shit possible, I can't get that out right now so I'm facing an artist's block. I know of a guy who has the body of the 'typical male anime', in that he is tall and slender and slightly muscular. Of course, it's no doubt awkward to be asked, "Can you model for me?" Especially since we're not on good terms right now and, oh yea, I'm not fucking professional. How odd would it be to ask a used-to-be friend to remove their shirt and try to casually pose? I don't know, but if it is one thing I do know, it's too fucking weird. Damnit.

Then there's another guy who I wanted to ask if he could sport a few poses over his webcam for me. Heh. But stupid distant me I ignored him for a few months and now he seems to have disappeared.

I sometimes argue with myself and blame myself for all my problems. I don't have friends because I choose not to keep them. My personality has so many facets; I feel like I'm bordering stereotypical schizophrenia. The whole point of the Internet is instant communication and information. But I feel like the only person who doesn't go online to converse or meet people. I don't deny ever doing so, if it happens, it happens. Just some days I can't find myself to engage in any type of communication because I don't want the weight of friendship. I can't hold friendships. I've never held a good friendship in my whole entire fucking life. I kid you not.

See, this is why I get depressed. Whenever I have too much time on my hands I think too much. And when I think too much, what started out as an effort to relive good memories is overshadowed by negative thoughts and 'what if's. My bad. I just can't wait to accomplish something great so I can't help but to be draped in success and optimism. I'm waiting for that day..

This entry initially had three long paragraphs more, but its irrelevancy opted removal. I live my life being carried away, but I do try to cut back on it. So, to just briefly summarize my day:

Always Carried Away
Talked with my sister yesterday and she said we most likely will be going to the Renaissance Festival today. She could even pay one other's ticket, in other words my brother. So I'm just waiting for a phone call now, which she said she'd make two hours in advance. Right now I'm not sure if we're going.. but just to pretend we are I'm going to finish up stuff I said I'd do. Like my costume and paint a figurine.

I'm going to try and finish the figurine after this post. Then I'll work on a cloak of some sort. Yesterday I bought three yards of fabric so it'd be nice to use that.. I also got shoes! As a matter of fact, I saw two shoes there that I liked there, one for females and one for guys. Guess which pair I chose? The guys shoes, of course. I realized then that girls shoes weren't exactly as shitty as I had in mind, just that girls shoes are stuffed with padding and cushions of heavenly comfort, but hidden beneath the ugliest fucking design. Whereas, guy shoes are like padded concrete but look kick ass. So, I can sacrifice the comfort for style. Oh yea.

The girls shoes were light grey actually, that's why I didn't pick them. I don't have any light clothes so I went with the black and blue guy shoes.. it was 'decisions, decisions' over there. But I decided to wear the shoes throughout the mall and carry my shitty grey ones. (Yes, contradictory! I had grey shoes but did not want grey shoes.)

The oddest part of the whole get-outside-of-the-house experience was in the mall, at a Model Talent Search stand. I was mindlessly walking with my mother, without the faintest smile on my bored-as-hell face, wearing an Adidas shirt (Also contradictory to a previous post, I know..) and Wilson sports pants, both dark blue and baggy, when this tall blonde happy-as-fuck guy strides up to me. I was in the process of walking around him but then figured not to be rude and see what he wanted. He had a clipboard so I thought he just had questions like "How is your mall trip?" or "See anything you like?" bullshit. Now, this was before I saw the name of the stand, too. He asked how I was doing, typical, and then said he was on some model talent search, that is when I glanced at the stand and felt a cringe creeping up. He asked, "Have you ever considered modeling?" I said very bluntly, "No." Then he asked, "Would you like to try it?" Now, I don't know what he meant by 'try it'.. try what? Did he want pictures of me? I don't get it. I glanced back at the stand and looked at his helpless face. I told him, "No." He could see my confusion but used it to his advantage, asking, "You sure?" I looked back at the stand. I didn't know what he meant. And I kept thinking, that of all the scantily clad ladies walking by me, why The Hell did he stop me? He mentioned something along the lines of a fresh face, so I'm guessing he saw through my baggy clothes and FTW attitude. That, or he was intentionally looking for a 'minority' for bonus points to his company or something. I really don't know. I am so confused. My mother had walked ahead so she missed it all. But after talking to her later the thought struck me that I should have asked how much money modeling is.. can't be too bad right? Of course modeling isn't one of those 'good' professions, you know? Everyone looks down on them, because you were born the way that you were, and that some people get paid for their natural born looks over others is just absurd. I don't know. I may have tried modeling if it brings in good money. And if I could disapprove clothes to 'model' in. Oh the fuck well. I told the guy, "Thanks though." before walking away. I was so damned confused.

That tickled my ego though, and later I sat down about a hundred yards away and watched him to see who else he asked. Haha. I thought it would set my ego back to default (stupid video games..) or back to normal, but it kind of boosted it more. That got me thinking I should get a webcam. But I've always thought cocky, arrogant people get webcams to show off. Why else do people get webcams? And I don't want to be labled as cocky or arrogant just because I purchased something so stupid. But a current picture sure would beat my high school freshman picture..

Oh yea, this post didn't sound too happy but I'm in a "happy" mood because this badass friend of mine has a hilfuckingarious AFK message on his AIM account. Man, he lights up my life.

Peachy Affair
Haha. Peachy Affair is now up as linkware. Hope you know that term before you use it.. took a few hours to recreate the layout from my dream. And I realized, the font was neither Tahoma nor Trebuchet MS, it was Letter Gothic point 13. Ha Ha Ha. I swear I need better things to dream about.

Well, hopefully I'm going to get some new shoes in a few hours. I went looking for some last month and visited three shops, none with shoes to my standards. Sucks. I would love to run my own shoes and clothing shop. I would have only the best fucking warez available in any store, but it would only be in mine, so it wouldn't be in any other store. I wouldn't be a sell out like those blonde twins just to get an extra million bucks a month. I wouldn't merge with Wal-Mart. Anyway. I'm always having problems finding good clothes to wear. I hate brand logos on clothes for one, so that crosses out 90% of all the clothes. I just don't like advertising for a company that makes more than I ever will, you know? People are just walking billboards and I choose not to fit in if that's what society is destined to be forever. I'm usually the person wearing stuff no one else does. Either I have the weirdest fucking taste or I actually put in effort to find good clothes. Maybe it's both.

Hmm, I still have a box of auburn brown and black iris hair dye in my room. But since I'm headed towards this Korean half-beauty store, I might as well buy another box of hair dye. What shall it be.. green, purple, or bright blue? Someone said I should get purple.. The store has yellow, orange, red, pink, purple, blue, blue black, green, and then a lot of natural hair colors. Oh, I just talked to my brother and he has no money for the Renaissance Festival tomorrow. My sister mentioned not having a lot of money earlier, too. Damnit. To buy hair dye or not to buy.. Well, fuck, I did plan to go to that store monday and try to get a job. Fuck the hair dyes, I probably wouldn't get hired with something unnatural. Godamnit.

Wish me luck on those shoes..

Music and Fest Shtuff
I haven't heard Ace of Base in probably a year or two, no kidding, and my sister stops by at 2pm today with CDs. She asks if I have any good ones and sorts through my neatly-piled stash, then asks if I wanted any CDs. She sees an empty Ace of Base CD case in my pile and comments having the disc. She removed the current CD in my player and put in Ace of Base's Greatest Hits. Well, to skip the overwhelmingly exciting story, I hadn't heard Ace of Base in such a long time and right as I went on the Internet "The Sign" comes on the fucking radio. What's the odds? Honestly, what's the odds?

In other music related news, I thought to myself today about what kind of music is my favorite. That seems to be the most commonly asked question when it comes to online chatting, other than "A/S/L?" (bitches), so I wanted to give a direct answer the next time I was asked that. I realized that I cannot shove my favorites into one category, and that my favorites wouldn't fit on a short list at all. I listen to virtually all types of music. I suppose if I had to pick a category it'd be Alternative, but I also love Punk rock and Ska just as much. Just about the only categories I don't listen to, as much, is rap, country, classical, jazz, and musicians who only became famous because of their dad *cough*Kelly Osbourne*cough*. (I really can't stand her.) But there are always exceptions. I have heard some good rap songs, I'm sure, though they kind of elude me right now.. and I love Pachbelle, and Lee Ann Womack's "I hope you dance". Acid jazz is great too. So if I ever had to answer what my favorite music is later on in life, I'd say, "Good music." To me, that's just what it is. It doesn't matter where the music comes from, or what it sounds like, fast or slow, hard or soft, if it's good I'll like it. I've always considered myself to have good taste in everything, and I'll listen to everything at least once, so I'm not discriminatory to any one genre. I'm too open-minded, but I think that makes me a better person.

As I mentioned earlier, my sister stopped by. We talked about the Renaissance Festival in which we'll probably go again this Sunday. For a change, I have more than $10 dollars this weekend, so I offered to pay for her ticket if she couldn't afford it this week. She also will be bringing another friend.. so I guess that's fine. I really don't care about people I don't know. I suppose that sounds rude, but it's not meant to be. I'll talk to them and seem pretty damned interested but if I never talk to them again it's all the same to me. It's kind of like they're not there as long as they're not talking to me.

I haven't touched my costume yet. I wanted to stop by a store to buy some yards of cloak-worthy material but I haven't been outside since last weekend. I already put in about four hours into the pewter figurine though, but I haven't started the other. Damn, today will be hellish. I'll have about $33 by tomorrow though, so money is no longer a concern for me. It's just the costume, pewter figurines, and a stupid cut near my forehead. I don't know why I do stupid things to myself, but my head was bleeding a little this morning when I talked with my sister. Damnit. Knowing me it won't be healed until next week. Maybe I should wear a hat to the fest.

I haven't been feeling very well either. I just got out of this depressing state of mind and now it feels like I'm falling back into it. I'm just stressed. My parents are going to blow over $4,000 into basement repairs and I hate seeing them spend so much money. I feel like they don't have to, but if they don't who will? I'd love to help out if I had the money. Eh. Come Monday, I wanted to walk to a food store and ask if they're hiring. I know they are, but that's just me. I really hope I end up walking to their store, I'm just so damned lazy and laid back that I usually don't do much. If I go, I really hope they pay at least $7 an hour. Any less and I won't want to work there. I know a place nearby that's hiring for $11-12 an hour, but I don't like the area. Picky fucking me.

So, I had this dream earlier and in it someone was on the computer. The screen they were looking at was peach/salmon colored and the scrollbar had some white in it. Then the font was black and looked like Tahoma or Trebuchet MS. I wanted to make a website layout using that scheme.. I'll do that after this post and leave a link if I like it.

Well.. after I install MSN 6.0.. I hate installing or downloading.. hope it's quick.