Life slowed down threefold somewhere during the evening yesterday. All my actions were slow and deliberate. It hasn't regained its prior velocity as of it, so I'm just relishing it while it lasts.

Drivel from yesterday/today
3:13pm - 3/15/04
Maybe the best way to have others and life not demand as much out of me (not that they really do) is to demand less out of others and of life. Double standards aren't cool.

3:53pm - 3/15/04
I want to share my happiness and my perspective with others. Perhaps the easiest way to do this is to smile as much as I can... and mean it.

10:13pm - 3/15/04
I just had the most wickedly great idea. It'll never happen though.


I don't say "you're welcome" at work (either). I say "no problem" or "have a good one/day." I don't know if I should be concerned with that or not. I tried saying it last night, managed to say it three times by the end of the day.

It's time to simplify. I tried to throw too much on my plate at the beginning of the year to get my mind off my problems, and now that I'm feeling better, I've just got a bunch of stuff that I'm not sure I want to do. I just want to go out with some friends, maybe some new faces for a change of pace, and have a good time; funny how somehow I want the same things I did before I started this major overhaul of my personality.

I also want to watch an obscenely large amount of college basketball this weekend.

I swear, I'm so done for a while after these. I'm getting sick of staring at them on my friends page, but it's better than no updates at all.

Things just seem to be getting progressively weirder as the days go on. I'm trying to just take it all in with a cool detachment.

Watching myself on video has always been very unnerving, especially when I'm acting like a weirdo. I have no problem with my picture being taken, but video captures my actions and words and allows me to see how others view me.

Time to make my bracket choices. Go Broncos!


Reincarnation: You are nice enough to go to heaven,
but Earth won't be as fun without you. So you
shall come back as someone or something else.
As a real optimist and lighthearted person, you
always see the good in things. People probably
respect you for your wonderful personality and
love for life. People like you make the world a
happier place (please rate my quiz)


**Where will you go when you die?**(now with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

YES!! Beat THAT!!

You are the grammar Fuhrer. All bow to your
authority. You will crush all the inferior
people under the soles of your jackboots, and
any who question your motives will be
eliminated. Your punishment is being the bane
of every other person's existence, because
you're constantly contradicting stupidity.
Everyone will be gunning for you. Your dreams
of a master race of spellers and grammarians
frighten the masses. You must always watch your
back. If only your power could be used for good
instead of evil.


What is your grammar aptitude?
brought to you by Quizilla

So I found this incredibly engrossing quiz on Quizilla... it's very in-depth. Check it out. ::manicial laughter::


Here I am!! I love to talk nasty and obey like a
little blonde slut. ;) My yahoo ID is xx78k.
U can make me ur big-titted blonde bizch. ;)


DUMB BLONDE bOObs!! MY 36DDD TITTIES are here4u!! (ME on CAM n PIC)
brought to you by Quizilla

So, I'm here crashing at the dorms as I have no car until Sunday and I have to be on campus in the morning anyway. Feels so weird to do literally nothing for a few hours.

Finally, caught my tic in the mirror today... it was pretty interesting.

Three credits this summer and fourteen in the fall, and Jason's out of this bitch. Let's hope it works out.

I agree with Meruan though. I do need a fresh start. I need to leave everything but the bare esssentials behind. Grab 100 CDs I can't live without and skip this joint. Life is good, in a general sense, but it's become too predictable, and the weather in this place has become torturous. But I do have a lot going for me here in West Michigan, so if I do end up staying, it won't be the end of the world.

i'm the same as i was when i was six years old... NOT!
I SO did not see this coming, but finally we have a completely unbiased diagnostic tool that conclusively demonstrates once and for all, that I am none other than that famous second banana... Quizilla NEVER lies! Hehe, I'm such a nerd.


You are Luigi. It's not that you're jelous of
Mario, it's just that you've been by his side
since the beginning, and you diserve more
recognition. Hang in there...I always liked ya
better than Mario, myself! (plz rate)


What Nintendo Charater are You? (pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Last night was needed. The concert was really great. I went in expecting little, and the man still has it. It was very soothing to just go to a concert and just sit and take it in... it was very laidback but he still rocked. Seeing him sing and the old song standards in the second half was still a little unnerving, but for me, the first half was a noglastic trip, taking me back to a previous time in my life, and the second was a reminder that everything changes in time. I went back in time last night in many ways, and it was nice to revisit some old feelings.

I also received one of the most beautiful sentiments ever from a friend last night. The more I think about it, the more I am touched. I started to disagree with the person, to say I wasn't deserving of such a statement, and then I scaled my defenses back and just let it in. It felt good. I thank you for what you said, it was much needed.

But as always, the moment ends, and I'm once again faced with added pressures and mounting money problems. One day at a time... babysteps...

Is it so hard to see me as that? Someone does, and to me that makes a difference.

The Rule of Three
Examining my behavior in terms of my behaviorist background, I've came to the conclusion that it takes more instances of punishment to deter me from a behavior than it does most folks. I'm kind of like the rat who goes for the water, receives a shock, then goes back for more water, because that dipper has something he wants. It takes a longer punishment history to get me to stop doing something, because I somehow believe that the outcome will be different despite the circumstances being the same. I've come up with an average of three based on my recent fun with automobiles, i.e. it takes me three totaled cars because it totally and completely sinks in. Interestingly enough, I need a much shorter reinforcement history to institute a pretty set pattern of behavior. I don't know if that means I'm just an eternal optimist or what. Anyway, excuse my behavioral mumbo-jumbo, I just found it interesting.

In other news, one good piece of news has arrived in the past couple of days. Turns out Menards gave me Team Member of the Week for all the hard work I put in covering for all the spring-breakers, so that's cool. Big win for the home team!

i stood proud, i stood tall/high above it all/i still believed in my dreams...
One of the things that is getting me through this rough period is the knowledge that someday be just like my dad. I've never really had a role model in my life, but I've been learning for the last couple of years as I've spent more time with him that he truly fits the bill. I strive for his level of empathy, sympathy, supportiveness, money, security, and happiness with my endeavors. The belief, no knowledge, that one day I will have my own "attractive aura" with an awesome wife like my stepmother fills me with the strength and the pride to continue on the family name.

Rockwell. Even the name sounds strong. I'm proud to be a Rockwell.

when all of your wishes are granted, many of your dreams will be destroyed...
I need someone(s) to start a workout regime at the Rec with me. I need contigencies on my behavior; someone to keep me from not following through.

Mike, Jeremy, and others that haven't come to mind yet... I'm looking at you.

So I need someone to take the other ticket for this Rod Stewart concert tomorrow... there's only one stipulation if you are interested: You have to be in possession of a car and be willing to drive to Grand Rapids. I don't want to take my rental and have to pay overrages for the extra miles... so yeah. First one who gets a hold of me gets it.

God, today's going to suck.

thought this song was kind of appropriate...
I woke up Tuesday Morning to coming down
With out a sound coming back down
The pressure put upon me
It goes and goes till it thinks it got me
It tries and tries as it might to trick me
To break me back down
But I'm okay
In truth I say
I'm okay
In truth I say
I'm okay with my decay
I have no choice
I have no voice
I have no say
On my decay
I have no voice
So I'll rejoice
I'm okay with my decay
I have no choice
I have no voice
I have no say
On my decay
I have no voice
So I'll rejoice
I'm Okay
I'm Okay
I'm Okay
I'm Okay
I'm Okay
I'm Okay

A Funny Thing Happened On The Way Home For Grand Rapids
So, here's the short version if you are just browsing: got in my third, count 'em, third car accident a couple hours ago. This one was pretty bad. I actually consider myself really lucky that all I ended up with was a sore leg. I got off the downtown exit of 131, because the ones before it were closed, and I got disorienteted and turned around downtown and ended up on Park street. I already had a lot on my mind, wasn't having a particulary good day, and with the weather and all... well, I just plum missed that stop sign. Got sideswiped by not one, but two SUVs on the passenger side, and ended up on the curb of the opposite side of the road, the entire passenger side of the car completely caved in. Had someone been with me at the time, I'd be in the hospital waiting room right now I'm sure. Anyway, it was a mess, glass and all that everywhere, but like I said, I was uninjured and denied an ambulance. Tried calling a bunch of people, including my parents, but the first person I was able to get through to was Joe. Good choice, he's really came through for me today, as he always does. Anyway, cleared out the Cav and threw my stuff in Joe's Jimmy, and waited for my ticket. Got some slack from my Mom, she's been worried and on edge since I first called. And that about brings me to right now. Joe and I are going to go out in a bit and get me a rental car until I'm able to find something new.

I think what has been most interesting about the last few hours is my reaction. Granted, I will not deny I'm having a rough day, but so far, I've had an outlook on the situation that never would have been possible before. Whereas before, I would have gotten out of the car and saw my world coming to an end, my parents disowning me, me being a bother to everyone around me, etc. etc., I realized that these things happen. I do have still have a problem out on the road, and I thought that my winning battle with my self-ascribed OCD would have solved that, but nonetheless the cards have been dealt, and I can't change anything about it now. It'll all work out, just like it always has. I was glad that I was able to depend on the people around me for support and I didn't feel as though there was anything unique about what I was doing, what I was going through. You see, I've spend the couple months trying to demonstrate to you all that I'm fine, that I can cope, that I'm stronger than I've ever been, etc. etc. And I do believe that I've got the strongest backbone that I've ever had in my life, but at the same time I will not deny the stressors that still haunt me. I still miss Stefanie every day of my life, my dreams are still haunted, and I still must battle the elaborate constructs my issues have built for themselves. The medication has helped, but I still have to fight all of every minute of every day. I've tried to shield myself to everyone, to become an enigma, to portray an image in order to convince you all that I'm 100% A-OK. I've made it a sin to be weak. But it is not me. I won't hide my loneliness, I won't hide from who I am. Yet, still, I find it amazing who I am now... the fact that I can list the mood on this entry as "good" is a feat in of itself. I don't know if this year is going to turn around, but if it doesn't, that's ok. I'm prepared. I've never considered myself a fighter, but I know after today that I'm a survivor, that it takes a challenge to demonstrate my full potential.

So in the interest of self-disclosure... I offer myself back up to the audience. Here we go with a brand new season of "The Rock Show":

My biggest fear in life is being forgotten. So, please, love me or hate me, just don't forget me.

I love you all.

OK, first off, apologies to Stef, Mike, Brian, Meruan, and Alicia... stupid AIM kicking me off then getting back on by itself without putting an away message back up.

So, I'm FINALLY done with work... until Monday that is. So, as all I've really accomplished this week is hit overtime and then some, I share what I've learned at Menards this week (with the exception of Joe and Stefanie, the vast majority of this will not mean anything to most of you, but bear with me):

1) Lynda's not a bad person, and I feel bad about how bad we treat her, but she is really slow and annoying. And she epotimizes the phrase "too much information." Don't even ask...
2) Dean seems like a pretty cool guy. Never talked to him before.
3) Kristin rocks... they so need to let her come back to Wallcoverings. True, I'm sure I wouldn't accomplish much with her around, but with Jill gone and Elena's hours cut back, we could use a good dose of estrogen back there.
4) Articulating ladders are the coolest things ever. Check it out.
5) I can only page Floorcoverings to the blinds so many times before it gets old. Or maybe I should just learn how to do it myself.
6) Joe's pretty entertaining to work with as well. He amuses me.
7) A good portion of the receiving dept. are morons. It does NOT take over two and a half hours to get a few skids of paneling onto some saw horses.
8) Log cabin breakrooms suck, and those damn stools kill my back.
9) Seeing Joe A. walking around hobbled is a fairly unnerving sight.

and last but not least...

10) If you work over 40 hours a week, you DO start to get whipped by that job. If I had stayed any later today, I think I would have been dreaming about drywall tools tonight.

Well, I have a date tonight, so I'm going to get ready for that... unfortunately, it's with my textbooks.

Have a good one all.

WOOHOO! I just got an email informing me that I won two tickets to see Rod Stewart at the Van Andel next Tuesday. That's so cool... I hardly ever win stuff. Now I just have to find someone to go with me... ;-P

the night is my companion...
So I did a moderate overhaul of my journal, which I think looks pretty decent. I'm especially proud of my new title, which is the opening lines of The Beatles' "Julia." Enjoy.

Today was an exceptional day for no particular reason. Nine and a half hours at work today, which went by in a flash. Of course it helps when "Super L" leaves when you come in. If my week continues like this, I will be glad to have stayed home for it. I feel like I'm accomplishing quite a bit, and it'll put me in a good position to coast the rest of the way through an already easy semester, right into my own vacation this summer. If things continue on this track, I will truly feel that I earned said vacation when the time rolls around instead of just using it to escape something.

I'm in a good place right now. I think I'd like to stay here.

A Update from K-Zoo
So for all of you worldly travelers dispersed throughout the continential United States, here's an update from Kalamazoo. Not that any of you will read this anyway, you'll be too busy having fun. Nonetheless... here we go. There's three, scratch, four, people left in the city, and we're all alone and lonely(?). No pity comments necessary, it's just the facts of the situation. As for me, I'm slowly learning how to be alone with myself, an ongoing lesson for myself. I do wish a happy and safe rest of a vacation for everybody else though.

I've now discovered that my weekly trips to Meijer are a fairly accurate guage of how my neuroses are doing on a given day. Finally made some progress on the living situation for next year. I didn't accomplished as much as I would have hoped today.

I want to complain, but I don't really have a reason to.

I need a couple volunteers. One to have a deep meaningful talk with me about anything and another to have an fairly intense debate with. Any takers?

I really hope someone is listening. I don't want to be left without a voice.

A Little Saturday Night Drivel
So life is a big circle. It's just history repeating itself over and over. On a grand scale, every few million years we are treated to an ice age, then everything will thaw out anything and we start over again. Closer to home, even if I empty out my mailbox or clean the shit off my entryway rug, there's still going to be something there tomorrow. I've always tried to see the end of the road, or look behind me, as if my life was a line, traveling from point A to B to C. The thing is though, I'm not really going anywhere, just tracing the steps that either I've traced before or someone before me has. What has been done to me will be done to you, what I say, what I see, has already been experienced by someone before. We are all on one big traffic circle, driving around and around, sightseeing, but in this case, the sights change over time. Now I know where I am in the circle, I know what's ahead and behind me, and will check my rear-view mirror and plan for the part of the trip occasionally, but I'm not trying to get to the end anymore. I'm just checking to see how I'm doing at the present point in time. Wow, now I can understand why people like car racing... oh wait, no I don't, it's still a dumb ass "sport." :-P

The circle has always been my favorite shape. It has no sides, no limits. It is of endless possibilities. This is the best free-association explanation I can come up with for the personal appeal of my tattoo.

I can't wait until this summer. I'm really looking forward to just sitting out on my back porch, hitting a few back, maybe do some grilling, just taking it easy. I'm really looking forward to spending the summer in this town.

Yeah! More good concert news. Pollstar tells me that Incubus is coming to Van Andel on July 6. I haven't been to the VA in a while, so I think that would be a fun one. I'll relay more info as it comes in to me.

Oscar picks for tomorrow... as with last year, I waited too long to send them into the Press, so if by some stroke of luck I kick ass, I'm going to be very pissed.

Best Picture: LOTR: ROTK
Actor: Bill Murray, Lost In Translation
Actress: Charlize Theron, Monster
Sup. Actor: Tim Robbins, Mystic River
Sup. Actress: Renee Zwellweger, Cold Mountain
Director: Peter Jackson, LOTR
Foreign Film: Twin Sisters from The Netherlands
Adapted Screenplay: Brian Helgeland, Mystic River
Original Screenplay: Sofia Coppola, LIT
Animated Feature: The Triplets of Bellville
Art Direction: LOTR
Cinematography: City of God
Original Score: Howard Shore, LOTR
Original Song: A Mighty Wind
Costume: The Last Samurai
Film Editing: LOTR

I leave you with the most zany, poignant, amusing, cute thing I've read/seen in weeks:
"Sometimes when I'm arranging oranges in a circle, I think of my thoughts and they make me laugh." - Michelle DeMerse (the M is capitalized! Who knew?)

Well, I'm off to find God... turns out he's at the movies. Peace. Love you all.

Jason's Human Sexuality exam score: 39/40

Jason's self-management score for the today: 39/40

As you can see, I had a good day.

There was something important and/or profound I wanted to say, but I forgot what it was. No biggie.

So, I just purchased two tickets to Dido... and about 3 and a 1/2 months to find a taker for the other ticket. Shouldn't be too difficult. Y'all let me know if you know anybody who might be interested.

Today is going to be a long day, but hopefully a decent one. Let's have a look:

6:30am-7:30am: Instant Profit Sharing mtg. @ Menards
7:30am-8:00am: Wallcoverings team mtg. @ Menards
8:00am-9:00am: Drive to campus, start studying for my Spanish midterm
9:00am-10:00am: Piano lesson w/ Melissa
10:00am-11:00am: Continue studying for said Spanish midterm
11:00am-12:15pm: Brit Lit I
12:15pm-1:00pm: Finish studying for Spanish midterm
1:00pm-1:50pm: Take Spanish midterm
2:00pm-3:15pm: Remedial exam in Psy 460
3:15pm-5:00pm: Catch up on reading for Human Sexuality
5:00pm-6:15pm: Human Sexuality
6:15pm-7:15pm: ADOS prep. w/ Kelise (Center for Autism stuff)
7:15pm-8:15pm: Literature review and meeting with Chris (more CfA stuff)
8:15pm-?: Drive home and try to watch at least one of the three movies that I have due back tomorrow.

Oh, and did I mention I'm scheduled just under 50 hours for next week?

Well, let's get this show on the road.

Foiled again for Spring Break... damn it. It's ok, probably for the best as I have no cash, but I would like a "real" vacation; it's been a couple years now. Maybe we'll get something going for the summer, when all you bastards can actually get work off. I'll have to call Ross tomorrow and tell him.

I was looking at some profiles today, and I realized that I'm up to 333 enteries, and I've only had this thing for a year and a couple months. Kind of scary, but I'm going to have this really awesome history of everything to look back on in a few years. It just better be around then.

Last night was interesting. And it feels really good to be home. I went to the library to put like 15 CDs on hold (thanks to GA in advance for picking them up as they come in) and it just felt like an old glove being in the old neighborhood, driving past Cathy and Rick's house, remember the almost-daily trek from 965 Kenneth to the library. I'm getting that damn brick if they ever tear that place down, you have my word on that. I love that brick.

Excuse my noglastia.

My mother did a spectacular job on my 19 Wheels shirt. She rocks my world. Thanks mom.