Good thing of the day #1 - I got a 96 on my awesomely good final paper for Greek Tragedy.

Good thing of the day #2 - The exam for said class went much better than I thought it would.

Good thing of the day #3 - I got accepted to a practicum position at the Center for Autism, which I think will be very beneficial for me and allow me to continue working in a field that I am developing a lot of interest in.

Good thing of the day #4 - I get pizza at my exam tonight for World Cinema.

Bad thing of the day #1 - I ripped the sleeve of my nice new leather bomber on my car today.

Nonetheless, I'm doing very well right now. Time to finish getting ready for tonight's class.

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - Walls
Some days are diamonds,
Some days are rocks.
Some doors are open,
Some roads are blocked.

And sundowns are golden,
Then fade away.
And if I never do nothin',
I'm comin' back some day.

'Cause you got a heart so big it could crush this town.
And I can't hold out forever; even walls fall down.

All around your island
There's a barricade.
It keeps out the danger,
Holds in the pain.

Sometimes you're happy,
And sometimes you cry.
Half of me is ocean,
Half of me is sky.

But you got a heart so big it could crush this town.
And I can't hold out forever; even walls fall down.

And some things are over,
Some things go on.
Part of me you carry,
And part of me is gone.

But you got a heart so big it could crush this town.
And I can't hold out forever; even walls fall down.
You got a heart so big it could crush this town.
And I can't hold out forever; even walls fall down.

I haven't ever really found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love

it's just a thought, only a thought

but if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
well i deserve nothing more than I get
cos nothing I have is truly mine

while my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
while I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
well how can I say I'm alive?

Sorry for going crazy today with the posts. This one is from 3:40pm today. A bit out of date, time and subject wise, but here you go...

Don’t got a lot of time
Don’t give a damn
Don’t tell me what to do
I am the man
If there’s a god up there
Something above
God, shine your light down here
Shine on the love
Love of the loveless

All around you people walking
Empty hearts and voices talking
Looking for and finding
Nothing

Don’t got a lot of time
Don’t really care
Not selling anything
Buyer beware
If there’s a god up there
Something above
God, shine your light down here
Shine on the love
Love of the loveless

Don’t got a lot of time
Don’t give a damn
Don’t tell me what to do
I am the man
Love of the loveless




I think my ego is spiriling out of control... I'd do something about it, but I'm enjoying it too much.

I don't know why it took me so long to realize it, but I've finally came to the conclusion that my whole problem with... myself, is that I live for the moment above all else. I spend my time looking for that moment, anticipate it, work towards it, strive to attain it, and the closer I get the more enticing it becomes, like a man lost in the desert is drawn to his mirage. I arrive at my destination, and it's anti-climatic. It's not the destination, it's the getting there that I thrive on. Not that any of this knowledge helps me at all, but knowing the problem is the first step to fixing it.

just give me one more night...
I remember this song so vividly from my youth. I associate it with my mother and just a lot of the close memories I had with her. It's a beautiful song. Now, tonight, the overwhelming association I get when I hear it is how it really explains my situation with the next paper I have due. You know, life back then may not have been better, but it sure as hell was a lot simpler. I miss that simplicity so much.

I made in and out of Meijer in less than 15 minutes tonight, but it's such a hollow victory.

I'm accomplished so little tonight, and I'm not stressed out, I'm not panicking, I just want to cry. Drive and cry.

I'm so cold.

sometimes, i have everything/yet i wish i felt something...
i don't know that i really accomplished anything with that confrontation... all i really did is back down from my adamant opinions at the first sign of confrontation. yeah, it was nice to get recognized for my what i've done, but it required me to make a complete hissy-fit about it before anything was said. i still think these problems are going to reoccur... and i'm left with a sour taste in my mouth and still questioning my ability to face my fears. i still may not be as comfortable with myself as i would lead myself to believe.

i've made a little mantra for myself now: if i think about something twice, it's one time too many. i need to just fly by the seat of pants and deal with the mistakes that i make. sounds like a weird goal for myself, but it's got to be better than what i've put myself through for so goddamn long now.

i'm sick of putting two things off... therapy and a tattoo. if i've been bothered about them for so long, it must mean that i really want them. it's almost a test of if i really can change, to complete these things. but who knows, i might do them and fall back into the same trappings of my own character flaws.

i just feel so trapped. and pessimistic. i'm starting to question if things are ever going to get better. i've told myself how much i've changed this year, and i look in the mirror and question where it's really gotten me.

but i'm sorry, this is just me being overdramatic again, isn't it? i should feel blessed for all that i have, right?

p.s. sorry the e.e. cummings-ish manor of this entry, i forgot to start the capitalization and then i just had to run with it...

Nine Inch Nails - Even Deeper
I woke up today
to find myself in the other place
with a trail of my footprints
from where I ran away
it seems everything I've heard
just might be true
and you know me
(well you think you do)
sometimes, I have everything-
yet I wish I felt something

do you know how far this has gone?
just how damaged have I become?
when i think I can overcome
it runs even deeper

and in a dream I'm a different me
with a perfect you
we fit perfectly
and for once in my life I feel complete-
and I still want to ruin it
afraid to look
as clear as day
this plan has long been underway

I hear them call
I cannot stay
the voice inviting me away

do you know how far this has gone?
just how damaged have I become?
when I think I can overcome
it runs even deeper
everything that matters is gone
all the hands of hope have withdrawn
could you try to help me hang on?
it runs...

I'm straight
I won't crack
on my way
and I can't turn back
I'm okay
I'm on track
on my way
and I can't turn back
I stayed
on this track
gone too far
and I can't come back
I stayed
on this track
lost my way
can't come back

p.p.s. sorry for the lyrics for the entire song, but it's my journal damnnit, so deal with it.

I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag
Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
Cuz I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold cuz these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works,
When it costs too much to love

And I went crazy again today...

I'm trying not to overreact. I'm trying to stay calm, free of obsessions, and optimistic about everything.

It's not working very well.

The night was a very good one though. I'm sure I'll be back with more to say.

Stef, directly after walking in the door after not seeing me for several days: "Hun, you are a creature of habit."

This weekend brought to my attention how much I depend on a daily rountine. I construct things in such a set pattern and avoid straying from said pattern, and then complain about the humdrum nature of my life when everything seems the same everyday. I pack the same lunch everyday and then somehow I get sickof eating the same thing day after day. I'll try and work on that.

Anyway, thanks for the weekend Ryan. I had fun. And we got to run up a tab at the bar man. That's too cool.

You are Form 5, Dragon: The Weaver.

"And The Dragon seperated the virtuous from
the sinful. He tore his eyes from his sockets
and used them to peer into the souls of those
on trial to make a judgement. He knew that
with endless knowledge came endless
responsibility."

Some examples of the Dragon Form are Athena
(Greek), St. Peter (Christian), and Surya
(Indian).
The Dragon is associated with the concept of
intelligence, the number 5, and the element of
wood.
His sign is the crescent moon.

As a member of Form 5, you are an intelligent and
wise individual. You weigh options by looking
at how logical they are and you know that while
there may not always be a right or wrong
choice, there is always a logical one. People
may say you are too indecisive, but it's only
because you want to do what's right. Dragons
are the best friends to have because they're
willing to learn.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

i'm haunted/by the lives that wove the web/inside my haunted head...
Why must all of my insecurities and fears manifest themselves tenfold in my dreams? Why can't I have happy, or at least meaningless, visions in my sleep? Or at the very least, if I do have such dreams, why do I only remember the bad ones?

you can't make dirt clean so we'll just lemon-scent it...
I am so distracted right now. These papers need to cease right now. I got a taste of what things used to be like on Saturday, and I want more. There's no actual purpose of this entry, I'm just wasting time... I think.

So, thank you all very much for a very entertaining and fulfilling birthday. Extra props to Joe and Stef for helping me along with the projectile vomiting and the consequential hangover, respectively. A grand time was had by all, except Smitty, who somehow managed to sleep through the whole mess. Thanks everyone for taking a few dollars out of their tight college budgets to get me gifts, the favor will be returned... in sexual favors, of course.

While a few things seem to be getting more complicated, on the whole, everything seems a lot clearer now that I'm 21. And yes, once again, that's as vague as I can get.

Now, to get back to my story about the personally signed picture of Ms. Anderson...

Oh, and Jeremy, that is the sweetest card I think I got this year... I'm definitely taping that one up.

Thanks everyone, y'all made me feel really loved... except for that bitch at Applebee's; she can shove her free dessert up her ass and burn in hell!

So as my friends sit watching the conclusion of the Matrix trilogy, I sit at home reading further support for my already tainted take on how the series has pulled a 180 in the matter of a couple hours. Still, I try to withhold judgment until I see the conclusion. I honestly hope I'm proved wrong, but if the following is any indication...

Critics by and large are unimpressed by the Matrix Revolutions hype. Joel Siegel on Good Morning America observed that Warner Bros. went all-out on everything except the movie itself. "I'm not saying that the Emperor is naked, but if he shows up this morning here in Los Angeles, he's going to catch his death of cold," Siegel remarked. In the New York Post, Lou Lumenick cites Gertrude Stein's words about Oakland as applying to Revolutions: "There's no there, there." "Pure smoke and mirrors," comments John Anderson in Newsday.Jack Mathews in the New York Daily News begins his review by remarking, "At least it's over." And those are some of the kinder reviews. Consider by way of comparison Stephen Hunter's in the Washington Post: "The film is a soggy mess, essentially a loud, wild 100-minute battle movie bookended by an incomprehensible beginning and a laughable ending." (Hunter had praised the original Matrix film.) Or take Mike Clark's blast in USA Today: "This come-down of a series capper is so arch and pompous amid its clanks and collisions that you can only snicker at the verbal wind that obscures the din of marauding machinery."

I especially enjoyed these last two...

Chris Vognar in the Dallas Morning News grumbles: "There's nothing like a batch of sequels to cheapen a movie's legacy, but the decline of Matrix stock is particularly jarring." And Manohla Dargis asks mournfully in the Los Angeles Times: "How did something that started out so cool get so dorky?"

Too much going on... too much to do.

Gotta keep focused.

Jeez, I guess I finally know how my mother felt for all those years...

fav. feel good song:	Badly Drawn Boy - A Peak You Reach
fav. upbeat song:	T.A.T.U. - Not Gonna Get Us
fav. cruising song:	Queens of the Stone Age - No One Knows
fav. love song:	Nine Days - I Love You
fav. guilty pleasure song:	Celine Dion - It's All Coming Back To Me Now
fav. tribute song:	R.E.M. - Man On The Moon
fav. song to fall asleep to:	Moby - My Weakness
fav. song from a musical:	Come What May from "Moulin Rouge"
fav. song from a movie:	Steelers Wheel - Stuck In The Middle With You
fav. disney song:	Can You Feel The Love Tonight from "The Lion King"
fav. song to dance to:	Missy Elliott - Get Ur Freak On
fav. song lyric-wise:	Radiohead - Everything In Its Right Place

music survey brought to you by BZOINK!

EEE!!!
AHH!!! I'm ecstatic. I love talking to people from my classes for the first time! New friends, eee! Sorry, trying to come down here. So. I thought for a minute my professor was going to bash American Beauty though (even though he kind of did), and I thought I was going to burst. Seriously, I can't remember getting that involved in a class debate (the subject was fate vs. free-will) in sooo long, and it feels so good to have that spark back at least for the moment; the fact that I care about something enough to get stirred up about it, but not get totally stressed out by it. And after class, just shooting the shit, mocking people, and sharing similiar experiences... it was just nice to feel involved with other people again, le†'s leave it at that. I do enjoying being alone again, but I realize that I'm the happiest when I have someone there to share something with.

I've grown up a lot this year, and it's been very reinforcing to see all the progress that I've made in recent memory. I once again feel that I'm in control and past my maturity level in relation to where one should be at at this point in their life. I'm more secure in knowing that everything will work out, as it always has. Most of it, it's just nice to not having to worry about if my car is going to make it from point A to point B. It makes the day go by a lot smoother.

There's been a passion towards life the past couple of days, and I'm not sure what to attribute it to, but I'm enjoying it.

Wow. What a night. It was a wonderful night, but regardless, everything is falling to pieces. It's nice to have a home to come back to, there's a sense of comfort here, something I need especially tonight. Thank you again to everyone who helped me with my car, it was much appreciated.

So I got four comments about my weight loss and one about my "homosexuality," so we'll call that a good day.

Jesus, what the hell happened tonight? I feel pretty empty right now.