this is the end, my only friend, the end...

Hopelessly Romantic Geezer Named Alfred


What's Your Personality Type?
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Mean and Green.


Which B-Movie Badass Are You?
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fuck yea you are deftones..rocking the scene since
early 90's uve killed ppl w.ur emotional but
very hardcore music..u are the new wave of gods


WHAT BADASS ROCK BAND ARE YOU?
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You're normal. Normal?! NORMAL?! Oh SCREW YOU! No
one likes you. I don't like you. Get suitably
depressed and come back later, ya jerk. Why'd
you even take this?!


How Depressed are You?
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Durp.

something in the way she moves, attracts me like no other lover...

Are You Afraid Of The Dark? Telling ghost stories
that scare the crap out of me is your goal in
life. Please stop, the clowns'll eat me...


What's Your 90's Nickelodeon Show?
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Hmm, interesting, since I never watched the show. And I was so hoping for Clarissa Explains It All. ::homer voice:: Mmm, Melissa Joan Hart...

The world is ending...

That's not melodrama. I woke up and everything is falling apart around me. It's crazy.

My thoughts and concerns and well wishes are with everyone I care about and even with those who I've never met before.

I'm fine, but I'm concerned for everyone else...

We got the afternoon
You got this room for two
One thing I've left to do
Discover me
Discovering you

One mile to every inch of
Your skin like porcelain
One pair of candy lips and
Your bubblegum tongue

'Cause if you want love
We'll make it
Swimming a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be a while

Your body Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body Is a wonderland

Something 'bout the way the hair falls in your face
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase
You tell me where to go and
Though I might leave to find it
I'll never let your head hit the bed
Without my hand behind it

you want love?
We'll make it
Swimming a deep sea
Of blankets
Take all your big plans
And break 'em
This is bound to be a while

Your body Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body Is a wonderland

Damn baby
You frustrate me
I know you're mine all mine all mine
But you look so good it hurts sometimes

Your body Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands)
Your body Is a wonderland
Your body is a wonderland

Blargh. What a crappy little mood. I'm not depressed, but somewhere in between. I'm so fucked with this test tomorrow, why do I do this to myself? Grr. Regardless, tonight was a lot of fun, and I can't wait until I get company tomorrow. :-)

No test. No work. Is that so much to ask?

Quote of the day: My manager Ross from Menards after having to clean up a mess of half-frozen and broken liquid potporri containters... "Great, now I smell like a French whorehouse."

I need to cut down on these entries, it's crazy.

OK, just so I can get this list out of my wallet, these are all the casting choices Leeder and I came up with for the movie he's making about me. I'm getting my acceptance speech ready as we speak. :-P

Me - Elijah Wood (not my choice) or Edward Norton (my chioce)
Fras - Mekhi Phiefer or Omar Epps
Leeder - the fat guy from Varsity Blues until he tells me differently
Sandra - Laura Prepon (That 70's Show)
Stashia - Ali Landry (Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back)
Christa - Erika Christensen
Chris - Malcom Jamal-Warner
Meruan - Penelope Cruz
My dad - Tom Petty (hehe)
My mom - Glenn Close
Tyler - Jason Mewes
Butch - cameo from Rosie O'Donnell
Hoonie - Topher Grace (I think he'd do a good me though)
Douse - DJ Qualls
Joe - John Turturro (I'm very, very sneaky)
Jeff Dudley - Spike Lee
Nikki Wolters - Beverly D'Angelo (Vegas Vacation
Betsy Artz - Lynn Shade (There's Something About Mary)
Georgia - Sharon Osbourne
Gary - Buddy Lee (from the commercials... he'll need some stilts or something)
Connie Z. - Meadow from the Sopranos

So Leed-man, we still need a good casting choice for Ricci, Tara, and Stefanie. Any good ideas?

Everyone else is like, "what the fuck?" Inside jokes are cool.

i know your weakness, you've seen my dark side. the end of the rainbow is always a long ride.
Here comes that feeling
I've seen in your eyes
Back in the old days,
before the hard times
But I'm not afraid anymore
It's only a broken heart

I know the place where
you keep your secrets
Out of the sunshine,
down in a valley
But I'm not afraid anymore
It's only a broken heart

What would I give,
to start all over again
To clean up my mistakes

Stand in the moonlight,
stand under heaven
Wait for an answer,
hold out forever
But don't be afraid anymore
It's only a broken heart

What would I give,
to start all over again
To clean up my mistakes

I know your weakness,
you've seen my dark side
The end of the rainbow
is always a long ride
But I'm not afraid anymore
It's only a broken heart

There, that's my final catharsis. I'm done, I'm spent, the nail is in the coffin, I'm on this new path now, and I like where it's headed.

It's so obvious, but I needed to articulate it to myself again. Last year was so hard because I lost so much. The X-Files, my first home, Christa, Meruan, and of course my perspective. :-)

It's all good though. Sorry, but James calls...

Grr. You know, basic common courtesty and manners, is that so much to ask? If someone says hi to you, say hi back. If someone opens a door for you, don't assume they were put their for the sole explicit purpose of catering to your every whim, thank the mo-fo for trying to be nice. Shit, even if I don't like the person, if they say hi, I'm not just going to walk away with my thumb up my ass. I mean, at least tell me "I'm having a bad day, please go fuck a duck," just do something to acknowledge that I exist. I get the same damn thing at work. I was not put here to amuse you, please try and show me the same respect that I'm trying to show you.

How can I justify not going to class today? Do video games count?

it's times like these you learn to live again. it's times like these you give and give again. it's times like these you learn to love again. it's times like these time and time again.
Rawr. OK, I'm composed. Hey, I still haven't been melodramatic this week, what's up with that? Jesus, I really need to go to bed earlier. This is getting out of control. Oh wait, do I care? Not really.

I'm just overwhelmed, it's a lot to take in. My head is in overdrive, I need a good movie or night out with the guys to just digress. At least all the clutter is good though, that's a nice change of pace.

I don't know, it's just whenever you say those so-called "dorky things," it melts my heart all over again. I keep having these sharp pangs where it all hits me at once and I forget how to breathe momentarily. Here, this is what I'm trying to say...

Lester Burnham: "It’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain, and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every moment of my stupid little life."

There we go, I love that quote so much.

Let me know if anybody else does this: I have this tendency to associate bands and artists with significant others. Is that normal? David Gray, Queens of the Stone Age, Badly Drawn Boy, etc... they all have their seperate classifications. Oh well.

I need a nice capper, a nice conclusion that ties it all together, but I'm hungry and my mind is a speedboat going 90... that's a song, what song is that. Too much thinking!

Yeah, I think my world is starting to pull a 180 as well, but I like it. Wow... that's my nightcap... wow.

everybody's happy, everybody's free, we're keeping the big door open, everyone will come around.
Denis Leary - Drugs (from No Cure For Cancer): "I love NyQuil. I love it, I love it, I love it. I love the name alone; capital N, small Y, big fucking Q! I love that fucking Q, don't you? What a great advertising idea, put a big fucking Q on the box. They get high and stare at it. 'The Q is talking to me, the Q is talking to me!'"

Just some random thoughts from the past couple of days. I offer up my feelings on some pertinent themes of the recent memory. Do with them what you will.

Structure - It is so important in life. If you have too much free time, for some reason you end up wasting it, even if your intentions are good.

Obsession - An unhealthy focus on anyone, anything, or any habit is dangerous. I've been saying for quite some time now that you can do just about anything you want and remain healthy and stable as long as you do it in moderation. When you start letting those things affect, and infect, other parts of your life, then you have a problem.

Statistical regression - This is a concept we've been discussing in my Behavioral Research Methods class. It suggests that over time, everything and everyone has a tendency to move toward a statistically average norm. Time and experience hopefully pave the way for stability. I still believe that time can heal most wounds.

Perfection - Yes, in most respects of our life it is unattainable. But that should not stop us from striving to attain our own personal nirvana, because even if we don't reach that point, we still better ourselves and those around us in the process.

Sorry, I think the teachings of my Buddhism class are starting to seep into my brain and sticking.

Why is it that a professor somehow gains respect by cursing in class? Anybody else agree or do I just like the colorful language a little too much? There's just something reassuring about a teacher talking about "piss and shit," I can't really explain it.

Me: ::watching Stefanie push a cart at work:: "Hun, you're driving like you are drunk."
Stef: "I am..."

Me: "14 year olds from Grapevine, Texas? What the hell?"
Smitty: "Sounds about right for Matt's dating age."

I need to purchase "The Story of Us." It's a great movie, if you haven't seen it, especially if you come from a so-called "broken home." I hate that term, as if your family is dysfunctional because your parents divorced.

Denis Leary continued: "Yes, NyQuil is the key for all you people in rehab, it's the 13th fucking step. It's over-the-counter, drink as much as you want.
'Are you drunk?'
'No, I have a cold. Same cold I've had for two years, I just can't seem to shake it. I'm high as a kite, and my teeth are green, merry fucking Christmas!'"

Hmm... that's about all I've got for the moment. 8 hours in and no melodrama from Jase. Go me.

there will always be suffering, it flows through life like water. i put my hand over hers, down in the lime tree arbour.
Auto response from TaoMan1121 (9:28:05 PM): Do you know why they call it the "Super Bowl?" No, it's not a joke, guys, seriously, why the HELL is it called the that?! Off enjoying entertaining commercialism and John Madden's witty tailgating remarks.
CWBrand (9:28:05 PM): well....there was originally two different leagues...the NFC (Napolean For Chancellor) and the AFC (American Fried Chicken). Well 37 years ago, George Washington sailed across the Altlantic ocean in search of Religious freedom and to be on TRL. It was then that he encountered Billy Corgan of Zwan who showed him how to make soup...in this age however...it was called Souper in a Bowel...which is Swahilli for super bowl and of course they needed two teams of people to have enough for two servings...cause you never want to eat Souper in a bowel alone...and Jason....that's the story of Moses. And they all lived happily ever after....amen....

There's Chris for you, always the wisecracking sarcastic bastard. Pieces of the pie. I've given out a lot of pieces over the years; I enjoy it, no reason to stop now. Pie is good.

God, I must look so bi-polar from these enteries. Oh well. I wish I could give everyone what I have had in my life, and I almost feel ashamed that I have as much as I do, I wish I could spread that good fortune to others, but at the end of the day all I can do is bake a pie, and hope someone enjoys it. I was thinking today at work about how we are to a certain extent stuck with the hand we are dealt, but it's all about how you play those cards that determines how you will end up.

Thank you, so much, for giving me a chance to "look closer." It really does mean a lot to me, to develop that trust and use it.

I so made the right decision tonight, and I'm proud of myself for that. Not that the other way would have been the wrong decision, but it wouldn't have been quite as correct. And no, sorry folks, I can't be any more cryptic than that.

I need to get out of these dorms, it's impossible to accomplish anything without becoming a social shut-in, and we all know that's not going to happen.

We didn't make a deal, but screw it, I'm going to give it the old college try anyway. No melodrama for a week. That's a good start, isn't it? At least I can get started on that list. I just need some backup, otherwise I'll lose my motivation like I do with anything else I don't want to do. You'll help me out, won't you? :-)

Back to my music quote... last week in Buddhist Traditions we were talking about the "Four Noble Truths" and the first truth is that suffering is inevitable. I think we all, including myself, need to be reminded of that from time to time. Just don't let that suffering overcome you and prohibit you from functioning normally. I can't expect to not be depressed or down or melodramatic ever again, but I can adjust how I react to such situations. That's what this is all about.

Note to self: Add this entry to the memory book, I'm going to need to refer to this one "when it all goes wrong again." Which reminds me, props to Matt for realizing which blonde rock star I REALLY look like: Art Alexsis. Rock on.

Jeez, I've been called a lot of things in my time, but "PURE"?! I'm personally offended... take it back. :-P


What's YOUR sexual fetish?
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Partly Cloudy, 82% Chance of Rain
"So now then..."

Sleep solves a lot of problems, or at the very least brings their intensity down to a manageable level. I'm still sick, but I'm going to make it through this day, and it will be better than yesterday, I can guarantee you that.

You know, after everything that happened to me yesterday, you'd think my subconscious would have had some good fodder for my sleep. You know what I dreamt about... going to Meijer and forgetting to bring the bottles I was going to return. Remarkable, isn't it?

you had a busy day today...
HAHA! I found it! I found the song! I can go to bed now! Too many exclamation points!

I was right though. Kick-ass deduction skills. It's busting my ass like the Christa thing did, but it will pass, it's just the initial shock. Denial is a powerful tool.

Hell, I'm feeling better already, except for this bloody (as in curse word) nose. Someone please amputate.

Ralph: "The doctor said my nose wouldn't bleed so much if I kept my finger out of there."

Hehe. ::smiles a la the end of Magnolia:: ::cue "Save Me by Aimee Mann::

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND BILLY CORGAN!!!
I just read it, and Jesus, what a pathetic freak I sound like!

Hehe. I'm just kidding. Umm, kinda. I'm crazy, I hope you all know that.

No, I'm not. I'm healthy. Stable.

Which is it?

I get lost.

why does it always rain on me, is it because I lied when I was 17?
See, the problem is, fire and fire only mix to make a bigger fire.

You brighten my day, you really do, and I miss you when I'm not around you. It's just tough on days like this because it's two charged atoms and they are totally repeling each other.

I'd like to talk to you, that would be the smart idea, you would probably make me feel better, but you have your own issues tonight, and I'd rather bottle it up and have it chew me up alive. How can I thrive on being open and honest, and still hold so much back?

FairGoldberry (11:38:09 PM): i'm past caring
TaoMan1121 (11:38:55 PM): i'll never stop caring, and that's my problem, i can't shut it off, with anybody or anything

Two self-actualization points for Jason.

I feel two different ways right now, regarding my outlook on life in general, and for the life of me I cannot figure out which is the right one.

I'm sorry, to all three of you, Christa, Meruan, and Stefanie. Everything I touch turns to shit.

happy and spunky, but it's not what i'm looking for
I feel so low right now. I hate this, I hate that you are all going to read this and think all these thoughts. "OMG, what's his problem?" "Why does he have to blow everything out of proportion?" "He has a great life, he has things I don't, and yet he's pissing and moaning about how shitty he feels" I'm sorry for that, I truly am, but this journal is for me, not you, and I need this, so please just listen.

You're right, I am two different people sometimes. Not all the time, but days like this I have no choice. I don't think I'm overdramaticizing today though, anybody would have the reaction I'm having after today.

It's horrible, I can't talk to the people I need to clear issues up with because they are under the influence. And so am I to a certain extent, and I'm not pissed at these people, I have no reason to, I'm just frustrated. And tired. And sick. And confused. And pissed off. And noglastic. No, fuck that, screw that last one. And now for something completely different...

Grr. I would give anything not to have to work tomorrow. I want to call in, but that would be taking the easy way out. I'm reminded of that day at Arrow I called in, and I felt like such a lazy-ass.

Drugs, alcohol, and other escapisms is NOT a solution to your problem, it just allows you to ignore it for a few hours; the problems will still be there when you sober up. I'm guilty of this too, I'm not trying to be a hypocrite, I'm just making an observation.

I just want everyone to be happy and healthy, all at the same time, is that so much to ask? Can't we all be happy for the Super Bowl. Mind-numbing commercialism, that could bring us all together, right?

I need the perfect song right now.

David Byrne, can you help me out?

I'm in this state of flux, where I don't know what I want or what I should be doing. I need guidance. I need a vacation to a warm place. Well, at least I've escaped my quasi-depression that has plagued me for, oh say, the past six months. That stuff gets old fast. I need someone who knows everything, not just pieces of the puzzle, who can tell me how I should be feeling right now. Unfortunately the only person that fits that bill is myself.

What a strange mood....

the greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return...
Top 10 Things I Want To Accomplish In The Near Future:

10) Save up some money to pay Mom off.
9) Figure out where I'm going to live next year.
8) Start working out at the REC.
7) Stop (or decrease) the melodrama.
6) Get a 4.0 this semseter.
5) Finish "The List."
4) Get a tattoo.
3) Eat healthier.
2) Christ, why can I never come up with a 10th item for these things?!
1) GET MERUAN'S CHRISTMAS PRESENT SENT!

come what may, i will love you, until my dying day...
Hmm, well, it got one part right...


What Kind of Virgin Are You?
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and as for me, i'm going to sit alone and listen to the saddest songs and wonder...
I need to stop listening to this song, it gets me in that quasi-depressed/contemplative mood. Dashboard Confessional period does it for me, but it's good stuff, so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

When I'm at Point A, I'm wishing I was at Point B, and when I'm at Point B, I want to be back at Point A for a while. Then after I get sick of that I want to head on off to Point C, and once there I face a similiar dilemma with points B & D. It's very frustrating, but I rarely have such moods, they are the exception to the rule.

I saw a couple people passing notes in class today, that brought back some memories. Cathy and I in Sociology, Senior year. I don't know why I think of that... well I do, but that doesn't mean I'm going to tell you. :-P

Hehe, I guess it fits, since all you bastards thought I was when you first met me. :-P Just kidding.


Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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can you do it again, do it again, do it again...
Hey, anybody read "There Is A Monster At The End Of This Book" when they were younger? I loved that book. Long live the Muppets.


Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You?
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get up, get up, get down with the sickness...
"And now for something completely different..."

It's a full blown epidemic on First Fox! Maybe we should put in a plastic bubble around the floor. Actually that would mean I would be trapped in here with all these nutcases... not a good idea! Just kidding folks.

Yesterday, good health, shitty mood. Today, vice versa. I'm not that bad off, just groggy and a really sore throat.

I miss Europe, I don't know why that keeps popping in my head. I want to play Bond. I don't want to take my Research Methods exam. Why are my muscles twitching? Why am I not hungry? Should I eat?

If you have answers to any of the preceding questions, well, give yourself a cookie.

"So it goes..."

now imagine your pain as a white ball of healing light... i don't think so. you are not a beautiful and unique snowflake... we are the all singing, all dancing crap of the world...
Top 10 Things Pissing Jason Off This Afternoon:

10) My floor
9) Static cling
8) Myself
7) Other people
6) The weather
5) Class (I'll go to one, that's it)
4) My self-image
3) There is NO THIRD THING! Bring me THE COMFY CHAIR!
2) Swans a swimming
1) See #8

Carolyn: "I refuse to be a victim... I refuse to be a victim."

i say, let us not be content, i say...
I am not a bitchy princess, and damn it, say what you will, but I like my blonde hair! And I do not look like Eminem!

I'm trying to maintain composure, I really am, but in my efforts to quell it, am I really just suppressing it?

Truman: ::reads button:: "How's it going to end? You know I was wondering that myself."

Oh please dear god, let me be wrong about this, just prove me wrong.

Everything comes at once, and even if you brace for it, it's still going to knock you on your ass.

I'm thinking too far ahead, aren't I? Just live in the moment and let the chips fall where they may.

"In case I don't see you, good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight!"

You know, I've always said I'm in touch with my feminine side, but this is just ridiculous...


What kind of typical high school character from a movie are you?
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