lifted

lifted

:: 2007 4 November :: 10.25 pm

relax baby relax
aaaah I'm so confused about my life.I don't know what to do.I know I should relax.Realistically I'm graduating in January,I just applied to grad school and I have a job,so my life is pretty much planned out for at least a year.But I'm still stressed.I should relax.I can't seem to relax though.I need to let my psychiatrist know because all this worrying might trigger another bout of depression and send me straight back to the hospital.I feel so fragile lately.Every little thing sends me into an anxious tizzy.I just need to relax.But it's so hard for me.I keep worrying about everything.Money being the foremost of them all.My livelihood.What I'm going to do with my life.A couple of months ago when the therapists and the psychs asked me where I saw myself I couldn't answer them because I saw myself dead.literally.And now that the fog has lifted all I can think about is that question.Where do you see yourself?And I can't answer it again.I hate it.It's all too much to handle.Oh man I definitely have to call my psych soon.She needs to give me better anti-anxiety meds.I'm gonna call her tomorrow morning all panicky and shit hyperventilating because the weight of too much thinking is driving me fucking insane.

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:: 2007 3 November :: 6.49 pm

life should be as simple as the slow inhale of a cigarrette.endless pleasures

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:: 2007 30 October :: 6.12 pm

musings on myself
Life is this twisted web of emotions that I can't separate.My moods are worse than a nightmare rollercoaster ride and it leaves me insanely tired thirsting for some rest like a teenager on E.I'm like a cracked out whore wanting more more.But only when I'm high.When I'm high so far up in the clouds that the teeniest teeniest dot could be a skycraper then all's well in the world and I couldn't give a rats ass about anything else but maintaining that high.Aaah but any crack whore will tell you when the supplier is dryer than a desert the low will come.The crushing low.The gutteral moan in the back of the throat low.The under the blanket please please don't bother me low.The bleak gray sky raining dark clouds chillin to the bone low.These two extremes.Like the cliched ying and yang.Except it's really not all that cliche becuase it exists.The dark and light.The pain and the laughter and the tears.The anxiety prone low.The worrying low.The constant panic attack low.The everything is wrong with the world I might as well kill myself low.The low I don't ever want to get to again but without the low there is no high.It has to be both or nothing at all.So I flirt dangerously with mania and depression.Walk along a tight rope teetering from one end to the other never really being satisfied with one or the other.right now as I write this I'm sitting comfortably in the middle.No mania and no depression.Yet I'm scared.Becuase at any moment one or the other will rear it's ugly head.I don't want to be fucking dependent on psychotic drugs.I don't like what it does to me.I lose myself.Who I am.It changes my personality completely.So I have stopped taking my medicine and I'm fine right now.Nothing has gone wrong.But how long will it last?I mean to be truthful I still cut myself.Makes no sense.I don't do it because I'm stressed.I dropped a class so I'm only taking nine credits.And I only work ten to fifteen hours a week.So it's not stress.I just do it.For no reason.Like I'll be sitting and just compulsively open my desk drawer and take out the piece of glass and scratch it across my skin.And it feels good.The pain feels sooo good.Makes no sense I know.I try to throw it away.But I can't do it.I had to stop going to therapy becuase I can't afford it.But honestly I don't think it was going to help all that much.We spoke of things I already knew about myself.That I'm self destructive.That I don't trust people.That I keep things bottled up inside.That I live in my head too much.I know all that.It's part of the suppose disorder that I have.But I really don't want to believe that I'm Bipolar.I just don't buy it.Anxiety sure.But Bipolar seems so drastic.It scares the crap out of me.I'd rather consider myself eccentric.A weirdo.A nerd.A geek even.A complete freak of nature.That's a lot more holistic than Bipolar disorder.That's saying I'm fucked up against my wishes.That I have no choice in the matter.That when I feel like killing myself it's my disease talking and not me.When I feel like I can do anything in the world it's not really true,it's the disease again.So then when am I really me?When do I make the decisions about myself?I just refuse to accept that I'm helpless.That I need the aid of a psychiatrist and a therapist and a social worker and a behavioral therapist just to function.And lets not forget the Pharmacuetical companies.I need them as well.That's insane don't you think?completely insane.Unbelievable even.I have to learn how to cope without medicine.How to live the best way I know how and to glean whatever happiness I can glean from this life that I live.

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:: 2007 28 October :: 2.02 pm

money
I feel like I spend my life being broke becuase I don't know how to handle money so I always end not having any.And I buy shit for noooo reason whatsoever.I just bought an Ipod.Really have no need for it at all I realized so now have resorted to selling it becuase I have no money left and I don't get paid for a little bit.My cell phone is about to get shut off in 2.5 seconds....

fuck me

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:: 2007 25 October :: 2.32 pm

grr
god this is going to sound so cliche but....

I fucking hate girls

for real

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:: 2007 18 October :: 4.41 pm

can you keep a secret
I want to be anywhere but here.Sometimes I wonder if it's really the place I'm at,or just me.Do I need to escape from myself?

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:: 2007 11 October :: 5.28 pm

happy coming out day homos

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:: 2007 27 September :: 9.07 pm

love
i miss my girlfriend so much it hurts.i'm sad but it's ok because i'll see her soon even if its not for another year i'll still see her,that's the important thing.i can't wait for that moment.i'm holding my breath till then

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:: 2007 27 September :: 9.07 pm

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:: 2007 21 September :: 7.37 pm

I think I love you, she said.They were words I had once read in the pages of a book not long before.In it was happily ever after,forever more.Words I always feared.Love you,she said,love her I felt,though I did not say it,I held it tight like a secret.It would suffice that the knowledge was there.Her emotions on her face they stirred.Fear,anger,hurt she understood not the silence,the silence she had begot.Not a word escaped my lips.A single nod was all she received.

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:: 2007 21 September :: 7.34 pm

Professor
Boots.tatoos.buff
rough.witty remarks.
crooked smile dazzles.
smart.street.smart.
hardened face.bags under eyes
love.lust.feeling emotions.
deep.harsh.voice.
want.lust.thrust

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:: 2007 20 September :: 12.43 pm

hell
we lust for things long past
and envy those who know
the pain it take and the heart it breaks
we create those spaces within our minds that confine
and seek divine intervention from the voices inside
we pray to demigod to relieve our sufferings
and seek release with razors and glass
sharp, it digs deep
our tears fall uninspired
and our hearts breks without reason

this is the hell that we live in

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:: 2007 19 September :: 6.14 pm

hospitalization number two
sigh.here i am again.no good news to report.i'm stuck in outpatient psychiatric care for the next two weeks on top of the week i spent in the hospital.i guess its a good thing

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:: 2007 24 August :: 9.43 am

here are my poems from when I was in the hospital.obviously they are fucking depressing

Hospitalization

So jaded
Things faded
Heart Hurts
Cry in Spurts
Slice the skin
make it sting
Pulled the trigger
said the grave digger

The Girl
The girl, she meditates
It's ok to hate
The image she sees in the miror

She breaks the glass
Takes a piece
Slices, a splash
she feel at peace

Crimson shards fall to the ground
The girl she'll expire one day
Never knowing that she was worth every breath

Communication
I speak but you do not hear
Your mouth moves without a care
To understand is all I seek
You let me know that I'm not there

I'll fly away
I'll fly away
One day I'll go astray
You'll search and search
But never find
Anyone of my kind

I'll slice and dice enjoy the pain
I know there's nothing to gain
A crimson tide, a violent red

I wish it had been you instead

Heaven
they say you go to heaven did
my uncle Kevin?
he died alone in a motel room
they said he overdosed on shrooms
and cocain,possibly slit his wrists
but that's somewhat uncertain,that's the twist.
Uncle Kevin,he always looked sad
Like he'd had a really bad
day.He deserverd to die, but with better style
I wanted a chance to say goodbye
but all the while
uncle Kevin cried I cried with him.
I'll see him in heaven sooner, it seems.

Hospitalization
tick tock
let it lock
hear the click
feel it stick
one hole
no soul

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