lifted

lifted

:: 2006 7 June :: 10.12 pm

simplicity, as I am fond of saying,makes my heart skip a beat.I love it.I don't like drama I like sugar coated stickiness and sweetness and gushiness.I want to love and be loved.So simple right?I want to have kids.I want to be tied down for life,be portly with gray hair with my grandchildren around me.I used to get bored so easily in relationship.Midway I would just get bored.Bam.I think I realize now that it was just that I never really had a true connection with any of the guys that I dated.But now,now with females it's a whole different matter.I think I might have been able to find simplicity if I had stayed with men for the shear(sp?) fact that my heart just wouldn't be in 100% anyways.I can't get away with not having my heart in a relationship with a girl.It's such an emotional rollercoaster and so different from what I'm used to.There were times I seriously thought I was gonna tear out all my hair cause I was going insane.Just imagine two females who spend all their time together.A fuse is eventually gonna blow.lol.But sometimes I think it's worth it.Becuase there's this connection I have with a female that I cannot deny.

I was really going somewhere with this journal entry I was.But then I got sidetracked thinking about females.

I know one day I'm gonna break someone's heart.I just hope I do it with some decorum

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:: 2006 7 June :: 8.48 pm

One of the people who commented on my journal said I should stop writing so much abour her.lmao.I completely agree.But I have to get it all out first then get over it.

gotta make that move,for somebody who,appreciate all the love I gave,so I gotta shake it off

I don't like going into relationships with baggage.Not at all.It's a bad idea.I don't want to not trust nobody ever again just because I had a bad expereince.Never that.Rather I want to be smart.I want a fuck you attitude.I want a love ain't shit type attitude.The kind that will help me survive,because in this world people like me are not appreciated.

You will shit on me if I keep giving you the chance to

Like my friend once said I ain't beat for no bitch

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:: 2006 7 June :: 6.42 pm

is it healthy to write in here so much?

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:: 2006 7 June :: 6.33 pm

I remember one time when we were going out and had taken these cute pictures of us I had put one on my myspace page and she got really upset and told me to take it down.I was so hurt by that.It was a sign of our love.And for her to have rejected it like that upset me for a long time even though I didn't say anything to her becuase she wouldn't have understood or even if she understood she wouldn't care.I was upset about that for a really long time.I think that that's the point I started thinking that she really didn't love me.Like she would do things that would hurt my feelings really badly and when I tried to talk to her about it she would brush it off completely and I would pretend like I wasn't hurt anymore when I still was.There are a lot of things that I had to pretend about.

Maybe I never thought she loved me from get

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:: 2006 7 June :: 5.46 pm

I'm so depressed right now.I can't even get my plane ticket because Bank of America won't release my money till the 15th.So I had to call my father to beg him to let me use his credit card to pay for the ticket until they deposit my money then I can transfer it into his account.sigh.It seems when nothing is going right in your life,everything else wants to fuck up.

I'm lonely.I want to be around someone who knows me well enough to realize how sad I am and who will just take me into their arms and comfort me.But I've never had a real relationshop like that with anyone outside of my boyfriends/girlfriend.I'm so afraid to show my weaknesses around everyone else.I can't even go to my parents for comfort.I can't go to my sister.There's only one person who truly knows me enough to realize when I'm upset,not that she always tried to alleviate it but she always knew.Funny I barely even knew her for a year and she knows more about me than even my bestfriend does.

When I used to be in the homeless shelter I always told myself that it was me,myself and I and it was true for a while.But then people actually started helping me:my dean,my academic advisors etc.Not really my friends.First becuase I didn't tell most of them how bad off I was,and then by the time I told them I was out already.The point of the story is that I think it will always be me myself and I and nobody else.Not unless I find a wife to spend the rest of my life with.But even then there's always the risk of her leaving me.

So what do you do when you are not strong enough to lean on yourself all the time but too full of pride to lean on others?What happens when it becomes an issue and you find yourself constantly depressed and despairing?

I'm hoping to give myself the therapy I need by constantly writing in this journal.But it's not helping.I need to talk.I need for someone to listen to me speak without judging me and to understand fully how I feel and where I'm coming from.

I feel like if I remain silent anymore through this pain I might die

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:: 2006 7 June :: 4.01 pm
:: Mood: depressed

I remember all the times she told me she loved me.It was all a lie.And to think that I was watching quest for camelot and crying today because I miss the way we used to be.When the way we used to be isn't even real.Just a figment of my imagination.To think that I actually came out becuase of her.My memory of this period will be forever tarnished.She will be the girl who hurt me worse than anyone has ever hurt me before becuase she told me she loved me when she didn't,and not the girl whom I shared my secrets with,things I don't tell anyone,that most people don't know about me and will never know about.To think I shared this with her,opened up myself so completely,became vulnerable for her.To think that she has made me become this cynical person who will never open up to someone like that ever again.

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:: 2006 7 June :: 3.48 pm

I'm so pissed off right now I want to go for a walk but it's raining outside.How fitting to my mood.She was never in love with me.ever.I was the fucking experiment.I was the "well,the person I love doesn't want to be with me so I guess I'm just gonna give up and go for the second best,this needy bitch that seems to like me so much."And even when we were together it was "well she's my friend," when in actuality,no it was that she was still in love with her and clinging on to this hope of them somehow getting back together.

So many people say that there's nothing in their life that they regret becuase it's all a learning ecperience.Well I regret this.I regret it so much.Becuase there were too many tears shed,there were too many nights spent worrying,there were too many sacrifices,and there was real genuine love for someone who never appreciated me for who I was becuase she couldn't get past the image of someone else.

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:: 2006 7 June :: 3.43 pm
:: Mood: angry

how can you justify making assumptions about someone when you yourself are so blinded by what you call love that you cannot see your image in someone else?What the fuck did she decide to be with me out of pity?is that it?becuase she was still in love with her ex and used me to try to get over her?And then had the nerve to compare us like we are one and the same.And all the times she treated me like shit has somehow escaped her mind like it never happened?Constantly comparing me to her and even I could see that and could never reach up to that standard.

I WAS NEVER HER,NOR WILL I EVER BE HER

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:: 2006 7 June :: 11.38 am

Corinne Bailey-Rae is my girl right now.Her voice is what it is.

In other news it's gonna cost me over $1800 for my plane ticket to South Africa!!!geesus that's a lot of money.I'm waiting til this afternoon to book it becuase I'm gonna try and see if I can get a cheaper one than that.If not then oh well what can I do.

Went to class today,late.Stood in the rain waiting for the bus.tired.I get there and the professor had decided to cancel class.I was upset.But now her I am.I can relax now and wash my clothes

I went to Wal-Mart yesterday and found my favorite DVD of all time:Quest for Camelot.I was ecstatic.I haven't watched it since I was real young.I'll definitely be watching it today on this lovely rainy day.

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:: 2006 6 June :: 5.09 pm

I finalyl received my refund check today so I can get my plane ticket first thing tomorrow morning.Finally.It's gonna cost me an arm and a leg though.Oh well.I can't wait for summer classes to be over...argh I hate it

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:: 2006 6 June :: 12.48 pm

here I am.I am supposed to be writing my three page paper for class but instead I'm doing this.Well this is my therapy after all.

Perhaps there are certain people in this world who are destined to make the same mistakes in love throughout their lives until it finally clicks.Me,my friends P and S.We make the same mistakes over and over and over and over.We give too much in relationships and it's called suffocation,we give less and it's called neglect.There's no happy medium.Ever.Will there ever be someone with whom I will not be afraid to be myself.With whom I will not have to suppress who I truly am:a caring,sensitive soul who loves nothing more than to please the person they are with?Since when was this a crime?Why does it take me this long to see the warning signs?I realize there is such a thing as sheilding the truth from one's own eyes but can love be really that strong to make a person do that?Was it apparent that she had stopped having feelings for me and I chose not to see it?Obviously it is possible but could I have really lived in such a world?Were my tears for nothing,was my pain a waste of nerve cells on someone who couldn't understand why I was feeling this way becuase they had already stopped caring and I had not?

And I realize this now.That there is no way that someone who still has feelings for you can look in your eyes and tell you they don't understand why you are feeling the way you do.I would have to label that person selfish and uncaring.

So she had stopped caring.It's not the end of the world.Not at all.This is not the issue at hand.I think it's possible that I might even have gotten over that little detail.What bugs me is the way that it was said.That we had fun together a long time ago.Lets just break that sentence down.Our relationship was only for fun?And it was a long time ago?Really?How long ago?And how fun?That's what really bugs me.There is absolutely no worse way for a person to tell you that they don't care any more than to make that statement.We had fun a long time ago.Are you kidding me?

You know you think that a person who has also had their heart broken would know what it feels like and be sensitive enough to not say something like that.But people forget quickly I guess.The unfortunate thing about me is that I never forget.So this statement will haunt me for a long time.Even if I come back and we do become friends again it will haunt me.That I was just someone she had "fun" with a "long time ago."

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:: 2006 6 June :: 10.47 am

I've lost my appetite.Woah.For someone frequently called greedy(by one person only)to lose their appetite is a big thing.

I want to leave so badly.I want to get away.I can't stand to be here with memories on every fucking corner I turn.It's driving me insane.I don't even want to hang out with our mutual friends anymore it's so depressing.Was my only mistake loving her?Or was it becuase I told her she never loved me?

She said that I have no right to tell her that she didn't love me and since she supposedly didn't love me she doesn't have to deal with my bullshit anymore,which is all it is,bullshit.That really hurts.Is it that easy to just write me off for accusing her of not loving me?Does she even want to know why I said it?I guess not because she doesn't care.That's what I have to keep reminding myself.She doesn't care

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:: 2006 6 June :: 10.18 am

I was just thinking about Maria Mena's song fragile.It's beatiful but depressing.

I'm depressed

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:: 2006 6 June :: 10.11 am

what to write
on this paper
thin wisp
fragile blank
screen my emotions
from eyes
what to write
on lined paper
aged face convey
thoughts spewing
through screened
minds

I want to scream
out this pain let it pour
from my fingertips unto this
fragile paper waste
away my tears on this fragile
paper thin shards of pain

I hate it
I hate my scars
memories never forgotten

I miss you
I miss you
I miss you

I miss you
my childhood memories
I miss you
innocence
I miss you
hardened heart

let me sleep let
me lay in slumber
for eternity

please

do not wake me
I'm fragile
please let me
sleep away
this pain
do not wake me
sleep
away
for days

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