lifted

lifted

:: 2006 6 June :: 8.31 am
:: Mood: tired

good morning.Yes I'm actually up this early,a little bit tired and I have a loong day ahead of me today.sigh.I have two classes today,one from9-12 and another one from 6-945.All frigging day.When I leave this room I'm not coming back till past ten oclock.geejus.Being busy is not a bad thing though,by far.I'm just a naturally lazy bum so it always feels like a hassle for me.I smoked a half a black yesterday,very bad of me but at least it was a half and then I threw the rest away.I'm taking small steps.Quitting is not easy but I refuse to give my money to the fucking nicotine industry too.Fuck that

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:: 2006 5 June :: 11.08 pm

traitor
I'm such a traitor to my getting over her cause!!!I find myself constantly checking her page.It's a sickening compulsion that I harbor from days when I still thought I knew what love was.heh.Oh well.I'll get over it.It's all part of the healing process.I loved her after all,of course it's gonna take a while for the healing process to complete itself.I can do the page checking all I want now cause once I'm in South Africa I won't be able to do that and it'll be a good thing.I'm looking forward to the day I can look at her picture with complete and total indifference.

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:: 2006 5 June :: 10.46 pm
:: Mood: accomplished

I went to the gym with my friend Noel.I was kinda indifferent about it.It's not like I felt especially accomplished that much becuase I'm not in the mindset where taking care of my body brings me some sort of pride.I was happy nonetheless to have gone.She needed the support and I wasn't doing anything in particular so it worked out.

So my goal is to write in here on a daily basis because it needs to be my therapy,a place forme to write down my thought,which can sometimes become excessively jumbled up in my head.I'm at this state of limbo,and since I've been there before and know the signs,I realize that this is a different sort of depression than what I normally have.This is the complacent,I've given up depression and accepted my fate.Not a good thing I know becuase I don't want to become this bitter person who refuse to ever even acknowledge love ever again becuase she's had her heart broken.I don't want that.This is why I cannot wait to go to South Africa,to rejuvenate and come back myself again.I'm not going there hoping to meet some girl,no not even.I'm gonna go and enjoy being me and being myself,not a person who lives to live for someone else.I didn't realize how much I had lost myself in these past two months.I don't even know how to be with myself anymore,what to think,now that I have all this thinking space in my head.This space that is not filled with the constant thought of her.I have to keep myself busy or else I find myself suddenly listening to a sad song,looking out the window with tears running down my face.I'm happy that I have Noel around at this time.

I came out to her and she didn't even blink an eye.That's what's great about her.She let me talk about my relationship,what happened in it and she spoke about her boyfriend and it was just two girls sharing their experience of heartbreak.There was no akwardness,no feeling that maybe she might not like me talking about a girl to her,none of that at all.So even though she doesn't realize this she is helping me out immensely.Funny thing is that I normally talk a lot,but I've become so silent lately I hardly really speak.But it's wonderful listening to her constant chatter and responding to it once in a while.It's refreshing.

Anywhoo,I'm done for night
goodnight

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:: 2006 5 June :: 1.26 pm
:: Mood: calm

Where I'm At
I'm waiting for a storm to blow.An earthquake of sorts,a monsoon of tears.Yet I feel nothing.Nothing at all,except for momentary twinges of missing her I'm moving on with my life.How is this possible?I know the tears are bound to come again,as they did for the first few days,but for now I am whole again.

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