::
2006 12 December :: 12.50 pm
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here
leave a comment |
::
2006 4 December :: 4.58 pm
it's been a while
a long while. where to start? since I don't have a lot of time I guess I will just say these few words:
I'M bored shitless. It's almost like I'm back in Jersey.
My room is huge. When I say huge I mean ridiculously huge. I have a living room area, a dining area, a study area, a "bedroom" area, a humongous balcony, and still way too much room left to do nothing with but mess up.
I broke up with Lunga, realized that I'm in love with her, so then I broke it off with Londy and am now back with Lunga. sigh.
I'm in love. And it feels so good.
leave a comment |
::
2006 2 November :: 10.44 am
:: Music: book:Song of Solomon
just a recap
1.I talked to Lunga about seeing other people because I’m not the type to play with other people’s emotions. She received it exceptionally well, said it might be a good idea now since she’s dealing with the fact that her two cousins died within a span of a week and now her sister’s really sick. We are still very close though and she still takes up the majority of my time when she’s here, which means that I don’t really get to see Londy when Lunga’s here because even though she’s ok with me dating other people she’s still a jealous person, so out of sight out of mind basically. As long as she doesn’t see the person that I’m dating, or hear me talking on the phone with them she’s cool.
2.I really like Londy. She’s so similar to Lunga in so many ways but also so different. For starters she’s younger (23) is a little bit more outgoing than Lunga even though she’s as equally shy as Lunga. She’s really hot. Very attractive, which I think is part of the reason why I’m so attracted to her, besides the fact that she’s been to hell and back and still manages to keep her head up. She works at the Gay and Lesbian Network, she has lots of friends, is very open about her lesbianism (since she was 9!!!!!lmao) and swears to god that she’s never felt for anyone the way she feels about me. Hmmmph. Whether she’s speaking the truth or not doesn’t really matter because I have a lot of fun with her
3.I climbed a mountain the other day to go to a traditional Zulu wake. It was an open casket, and people stayed up all night singing songs and telling stories about the guy who died. He was Ponie’s brother. Ponie is Londy’s ex-girlfriend. I didn’t get to really be part of the wake because Londy told me to go to sleep because it would last until 4a.m in the morning. Let me tell you climbing AND descending a mountain in the dark with no light but the moon is no joke!!! I fell probably three times, cut myself, and almost fell in the water as we were crossing a bridge. It was exhilarating. This is an experience I’ll never forget. We were so far up that I swear there were clouds swirling around us (actually it was just fog but I can pretend) and the higher up we went the colder it got. Her family’s farm is humongous. The land a long can fit probably four houses on it.
4.Classes are already over over here. There’s nothing really for me to do except watch movies on my laptop every day (which I do) and go and visit Londy at the Network, which I also do. Tomorrow she and I are going to the Golden Horse Casino to gamble and eat at their huge buffet. I’m so excited.
You know, I came to South Africa to escape, to get away from heartbreak and to learn a little bit about myself along the way. I didn’t know it would be like this. I didn’t know I would meet two beautiful girls who both make me happy, and I didn’t know I would so many people who would change my life forever.
leave a comment |
::
2006 22 October :: 7.01 pm
this is South mother-fucking Africa
Yesterday was fun.Too much fun in fact.I attended the Mr. and Mrs. Gay Pietermaritzburg pageant parade(the actual pageant is this saturday).Afterwards there was a party at the Kismet hotel,which is the headquarters of the Gay and Lesbain Network of PZB.Me and my two other friends decided to rent a room for the night because by the time the party was going to be over it would be too much of a hassle to go back to the dorm.I looked damn good last night if I might say so myself.I met someone.else.She's fucking adorable and too sweet for her own good.She spent the night.We kissed,we fucked,it was good as hell.I feel really really guilty.Add to the fact that Lunga hung up on me two times becuase she's "too angry to speak to me right now" becuase I didn't answer my phone all weekend when she called.Never mind that I dropped my phone in liquid and it broke,and I had to wait till today to go get a new one so that I could call her.She turned off her phone so I can't even reach her.damn.Foreshadowing much?I don't know what to do.We spoke about dating other people before but I don't know how serious she was being.And this girl,Lundi(probably spelling it wrong),man.I don't nowhere.She's so cute.And fucking sweet.She thinks I'm eventually going to leave Lunga to be with her though.She's out of her mind.She knows about Lunga,she knows that I've been talking to Lunga becuase she's called Lunga before and she's told her that she was spending the weekend with me.I have to talk to Lunga about this whole situation.I'm not into deceit at all,I don't want to get on that train ride to know.But I'm scared.Really really scared.Becuase Lunga gets fucking jealous,I don't know what she's going to do.I don't want her to break up with me.I care about her too much.But I can't lie and say that I don't like Lundi,because I do,I really do.She's so persistent,quiet but not shy.Her whole,family,it seems, is gay.Her twin brother,her other brother,and her two female cousins are all gay.And I thought they said it didn't run in the family.
This post is pretty much pointless really.I just can't believe what predicament I'm finding myself in.I want to lament and all but fuck it
I'm having to much fun
leave a comment |
::
2006 20 October :: 11.47 am
:: Music: the little voices in my head
crowded house
I went to a club yesterday where the only black people was the lady collecting money at the front and the lady who sat in the bathroom cleaning up the vomit of coked out anorexic girls
It was fun
leave a comment |
::
2006 3 October :: 8.29 pm
just a recap of what's been going on
I just got back from Mozambique.It was awesome.The most beautiful beaches I've ever seen in my life.
My love life is...developing.The more I'm with her the more I like her.We still have our little arguments,but we figure things out along the way as well.She apoligizes for her wrongs and I do the same.She has the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.Especially when she's angry.I know that's cliche but so is love...
School is...wateva.lol.It's going to be over in about a month and I'm so behind it's ridiculous but who cares?this is a motherfucking vacation
I am...happier than I've ever been in my life
leave a comment |
::
2006 20 September :: 11.53 am
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: book:A Game of Thrones
Mozambique
I'm going to Mozambique for our spring break over here.It's from November 22nd till October 2nd.I'm pretty excited.Mozambique has really nice beaches,just as beautiful and green as the Carribbean(sp?).We are leaving Friday afternoon.We are taking a bus from here to Jo'Burg,then from there to Mozambique.We are getting there saturday morning,which is fine and dandee with me.
So I've decided to stay here an extra semester.I love it here.I'm not ready to leave.Add that to the fact that I've met someone I really like and I think you can get the general picture.I miss all my friends so much though,but the homesickness is not nearly as bad as it used to be.Our semester's almost over over here,November 24th I'm done.I'm going straight to Ghana for two months afterwards,to visit family.My mom,my uncle,my aunt,my cousin Jen(I miss her!),my other cousin,my half brothers and sisters etc etc.I'm looking forward to seeing all of them.Plus,Ghana is the best place to be during christmas.I'm gonna get fat as hell from eating all the good food.
I didn't know that I was missing out on life until I came to South Africa.I now know what it really feels like to LIVE,not to go through life aimlessly having no direction.I have met some of the most inspiring people here,have seen the most beautiful places,and met the most wonderful girl who makes my heart skip a beat.
And best of all,I've found myself
leave a comment |
::
2006 13 September :: 6.26 pm
:: Mood: sick
surprise
she surprised me yesterday.Only my roommate Janice knew she was coming.She called her and planned it.She got here around 5p.m but I didn't see her until around 6 or 7ish.I was so happy to see her.I think that's by far the best surprise I've ever had.
I love how people here say my name.With a kind of british/australian accent
leave a comment |
::
2006 9 September :: 3.45 am
:: Music: The killers
i've got soul but i'm not a soldier
I miss how I would come in from classes,and she would still be sleeping,and when I opened the door,she would wake up,and rub her eyes and then say "hi Baby," then stretch,and I would walk over and kiss her gently on the lips and then get in bed and lay down next to her warm body....
leave a comment |
::
2006 6 September :: 7.41 pm
:: Mood: : (
she left yesterday.I miss her....
love (lŭv)
n.
A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
Sexual passion.
Sexual intercourse.
A love affair.
An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
An expression of one's affection: Send him my love.
A strong predilection or enthusiasm: a love of language.
The object of such an enthusiasm: The outdoors is her greatest love.
Love Mythology. Eros or Cupid.
often Love Christianity. Charity.
Sports. A zero score in tennis.
v., loved, lov·ing, loves.
v.tr.
To have a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward (a person): We love our parents. I love my friends.
To have a feeling of intense desire and attraction toward (a person).
To have an intense emotional attachment to: loves his house.
To embrace or caress.
To have sexual intercourse with.
To like or desire enthusiastically: loves swimming.
Theology. To have charity for.
To thrive on; need: The cactus loves hot, dry air.
leave a comment |
::
2006 4 September :: 9.47 am
I love Dorothy Parker
She says I have a temper.I'm fiesty.She doesn't see how we can be together becuase we are both so headstrong,we are always bumping heads.We don't go a day without having some kind of argument.I don't know.I'm trying to be more level headed.It will work out.She's so beautiful.I can't describe her.I just have to show you.So beautiful,and sensitive and tiny.So fragile.Already I find myself daydreaming of a future together.I'm crazy I know.Why do I always fall so quickly?I'm my own demise.I'm taking her with me to Namibia.I'm trying to figure out a way I can save up money to bring her to the states to visit when I come back.I'm crazy,I'm crazy,I'm crazy.
In other news I've made it official.I'm staying an extra semester.Already my heart has left America.It's in South Africa now.I can see myself coming back to live here in a few years after I graduate.I love it here.
My heart is here
leave a comment |
::
2006 2 September :: 4.47 pm
sometimes I just want to lay with her all day and hold her and snuggle her tiny body close to me
leave a comment |
::
2006 31 August :: 6.24 pm
:: Music: the birthday song
21
happy birthday to me,happy birthday to me,happy birthday to meeeee,happy birthday to me
leave a comment |
::
2006 30 August :: 11.36 am
i'm a human being,being human
It's been a while since I wrote in here.I've been somewhat busy,if one considers being busy laying around in bed pretty much all week and not going to classes becuase of a girl(I'll get to that).On saturday they had an exhibit at the Natal Museum showcasing LGBTI art as well as a documentery,so me,Cara,and Emily went to it.It was wonderful.They had two speakers,then this boy did the best poem I've ever heard(really emotional),and then they showed the documentary afterwards.The documentary was called Father of the Bride,which is about these two guys who decide that they want to get married but first the husband has to ask the bride's mother for his hand in marriage.Of course the mother says no becuase she's religious and doesn't believe in homosexuality.I don't want to get too much into the documentery.It's just something that you have to watch for yourself.It was pretty funny though.They also had lunch provided free of charge of course.
I met up with Lunga and her friend Sindi while I was there.She had come to stay for the weekend,so after the exhibit we wandered around the museum for a bit looking at art and such.The museum was pretty awesome.They have some wonderful displays there.I definitely want to go back again.
After the museum Lunga and I went to Nando's for dinner then we went over to my dorm and she got to meet the other international students(she had already met some of them at the Gay and Lesbian Film Festival) then we pretty much had a chill night.We stayed inside and talked.
She came on saturday and she hasn't left yet.She's laying in my bed reading a book right now while I ran to the computer lab to check my email and to update this journal.To say that I like her would be stupid since it's pretty obvious but I like her a lot.We really click.She's pretty quiet around people but not in an unfriendly way.She's a bit shy and I like that.She's also very sensitive.Sensitive in the sense that she cares about others feelings and will try to alleviate your pain when she feels you are going through it.In certain ways she's very similar to me.
I also immensely like the fact that a lot of times she speaks to me in Zulu even though I don't understand it.Even without realizing it I've started to pick up some words.She's trying to teach it to me.It's been very calm and nice so far,except for a little fight we had last night which ended up with me crying and with her leaving my room and going downstairs upset becuase she had made me cry.It was something small but yet significant.I realize that I'm not really ready for sex yet,and I thought I was,and it was disastrous,and I'm glad that we didn't go through with it.I woke up in the middle of the night and she was crying becuase she was so upset about that night and I felt extremely touched.
I still have this air of skepticism around me and I guess that after my ex I'm really not ready to just jump into anything,which I've told her already.I feel like I'm wary about showing too much emotions becuase I don't want to get hurt,but in some ways I know a lot more about her than I really ever knew about my ex.There isn't really this tension that I sometimes used to experience with her that I used to suppress.With her everything is simple and that's what I've been searching for all a long.
I know this is most likely going to sound like I'm making this decision becuase of her and it really truly doesn't necessarily have anything to do with her but I think(actually I know) that I'm going to be staying for the whole year instead of just half a semester.I haven't really told people yet but I really love it here.And I'm not ready to leave so soon.So I'm going to stay another semester and just graduate late,which was going to happen anyways so it's not really a big loss.
cock your ear
and you'll soon hear
from me again
leave a comment |
::
2006 25 August :: 11.19 am
FINIS
Now it's over, and now it's done;
Why does everything look the same?
Just as bright, the unheeding sun, --
Can't it see that the parting came?
People hurry and work and swear,
Laugh and grumble and die and wed,
Ponder what they will eat and wear, --
Don't they know that our love is dead?
Just as busy, the crowded street;
Cars and wagons go rolling on,
Children chuckle, and lovers meet, --
Don't they know that our love is gone?
No one pauses to pay a tear;
None walks slow, for the love that's through, --
I might mention, my recent dear,
I've reverted to normal, too.
leave a comment |
|