lifted

lifted

:: 2006 23 July :: 9.07 am
:: Mood: contemplative

I'm about to leave for church and I figured I'd do a quick update.Today is 'D' day.I gotta finish packing.I feel like I've been packing for days with no end in sight.And I don't even have a lot of things!

Yesterday me and my parents went out to eat and on the way there we were trying to figure out why the itenirary for the hotel me and my friend booked said one single bed in the room.Then my mom was like "who would think to book two girls in the same room on one bed.who would think two girls were a couple?" then my father said "Sally,the world is changing(then he laughed merrily).And South Africa is very gay friendly."

First I didn't know my father knew that South Africa was like that and second he didn't sound judgemental in any way when he was talking about it.He was very lively and open-minded.It gives me so much hope that they won't disown my ass a second time when I tell them.lol

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:: 2006 22 July :: 9.05 am
:: Mood: tired

I started packing yesterday night.I stayed up till 3a.m and I'm still not even close to finishing.I'm tired but I have so much crap on my mind I can't stay asleep for long.I've been up since 8:30.I have to go to the bank,then to the mall with my bestfriend,then come back and continue packing,then I might be going to the movies with my friend tonight.Sunday I'm not going anywhere except for maybe to church with my parents.I have to make sure everything's packed and ready.My room looks a big mess right now cause I'm getting ready to wash clothes and there's just stuff everywhere.I hate packing I really do

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:: 2006 21 July :: 10.46 am

Time

I don't like the sound of a ticking clock

it reminds me of times that have past

of things done of faces seen of feelings had

of pain that cut deeper than any knife ever had

or a paper cut

so deep it surpasses my

subcataneous fat and reaches to the bone

seeps into the marrow until it becomes part of my beating
heart

ticking along mocking me

as if to say

i will not let you forget

time keeps in footstep to my every stride it's like a shadow

time has carved weariness a long my shoulder till it
haunches over

like an old lady it has weakened my spine

time has made me grow like mold on a rotten fruit

redering it impalatible

I have grown sour from time

time has become my enemy

like the changing of moon to sun moon to sun

I run away from time

but with my every move and my every
groove

there's the hands of time mocking me

as if to say

wait,you cannot run away from me

only I can make your pain go away

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:: 2006 21 July :: 10.16 am

My sister left me a message on myspace saying how much she'll miss me when I'm gone.I was so touched.She doesn't say a lot and she's not really good at expressing emotion but when she says something I know she means it.I'm going to miss her too

I went to the Colloseum Night Club yesterday.I think I had more fun than I ever did before while there.It was me and three of my friends.Leanna got pissed ass drunk and spent most of the night feeling up my breasts and giving me a lap dance,not that I mind,but it has been a while since you know...

I'm really glad that Jody and Leanna planned it as my going away "party" it was very nice of them and I was very touched.I took lots of pictures so that I won't get so homesick when I leave.

I went shopping with my mom yesterday to buy things that I need for the trip mostly toiletries and a throw blanket for the plane cause my mom said the ones they give you are dirty and not soft. I also bought a watch, a shirt, and two pairs of comfortable shoes from Target.I'm going to my best friend's bbq today then she and I are going clothes shopping tomorrow.

two and a half more days till I leave

p.s sometimes something sparks my thinking process but I don't know how to put down what I'm thinking in my head.

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:: 2006 19 July :: 10.54 pm

Visa
I received my visa today.I'm leaving for South Africa on Monday at 12:30.I'm nervous and apprehensive and excited all at the same time.People I wouldn't even have expected to called me or left me a message saying goodbye and that they will miss me.I was very touched.

I bought a digital camera to capture all the memories.It's a sony.Over 400bucks spent but it was worth it honestly.I can store over 500pictures on there.I don't even think i'm going to take that much pictures.I'm not really a picture person.

All I have left to do is to relax.Tomorrow I'm going to the movies(sneaking into two and paying for one...yes three movies lol),and hopefully I'll be going to Wal-Mart to buy some toilettries and padlock for the safe they provide in the rooms.Then friday my best friend's having a bbq.so I'll go to that after I go to the mall to buy some clothes.Then saturday I'm gonna start packing everything then afterwards I'm gonna go to the mall to finish reading Model Student.Then sunday's church and finishing packing and staying up as late as possible so that I'll be able to knock out on the plane for as long as possible.

wow.I don't want to go...

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:: 2006 18 July :: 2.12 am
:: Music: movie:Tsotsi

I just saw a movie: Tsotsi.I would recommend everyone watch it.It was wonderful.I'll get into more details tomorrow

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:: 2006 17 July :: 5.23 pm

I'm going to Jamaica!I'm going to Jamaica!I'm so excited.After I come back from South Africa(November 27th hopefully) I'm leaving for Jamaica right after that for a month with my best friend.We are staying at her grandmothers house so we don't have to pay for a hotel room.Yes.I'm so excited.South Africa,Botswana,Namibia,Zimbabwe,Mozambique,Jamaica!!!!6countries.I'm so excited.

7more days to go till I'm outta here

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:: 2006 17 July :: 1.27 am

sometimes the hardest thing is to tell yourself the truth

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:: 2006 16 July :: 9.17 pm
:: Music: Book: Citizen Girl

I know this might sound nerdy and I don't really care but I love to read.I really do.I've forgotten how enjoyable it is to just get sucked into a book.In the past two weeks I've read almost four books.Mostly becuase I have a lot of time on my hands.I've missed it so much.Ever since I came to college I haven't really had time to sit and just read,read,read,which is what I'm most good at.If there was a job where all you had to do was read constantly,I'd be perfect for it.I'm reading this new book Citizen Girl that my oldest sister gave me to read.It's so good and humurous at the same time.It makes me really nervous about the work world though.All the bullshit bureacracy that you have to deal with once you enter it.All the kissing up,all the late nights.It's like slavery all over again,except for a paycheck that barely leaves you able to take care of your family.

Today this girl I used(used to)like asks me to braid her hair.At this moment as I'm typing I have gotten into an argument with her over the phone becuase she wants her hair done this minute and I told her no becuase I was supposed to have been done her hair.Every day she says she's coming and she just wastes my time.So I said no.And she has the nerve to tell me she dont know why I'm saying no since I sit on my ass all day.excuse me?Is that supposed to make me want to do her hair.Damn straight I don't do shit all day.I deserve that shit.Basically the point of the story is that I'm very proud of myself becuase I told her no and didn't back down and frankly don't give a fuck what she thinks about that.It's so exhilirating.

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:: 2006 15 July :: 11.06 am
:: Mood: ecstatic

oh my god.I'm leaving for South Africa in ten days!!!!ten days!!!!I can't believe it.I'm scared.lol.I'm such a pussy but I haven't been out of the country in so long.The thing thpugh is that there's been a change of plans so I'm actually going to end up being in Africa for only 4months and then on to Jamaica for a month with my best friend.The only thing we have to pay is the plane ticket,other than that everything else is paid for.I'm pretty excited.So I'm coming back from SA on November 27(hopefully unless they don't give me an extension on my green card in time then November 11)then we are leaving for Jamaica the first week of December till the end of it.I've never been so excited before.I'll miss everybody of course(my mom,my dad,my sisters,my friend Jody etc etc)but it'll be such a great experience that I wouldn't trade it in for anything else.I'm going to come back and no ones going to remember me.lol.I don't think I mind that much though...

So I have to go with my mom to Wal-Mart to pick up some stuff(tampons,pads,my fave lotion,hair prods,lock and key etc etc) on wednesday then I sit around like a bum for the rest of the week till monday at 12p.m.whew.I can't believe how quickly it came.I'm also excited about Jamaica of course.My best friend and I have never gone on vacation together before.It's a bonus that we'll just be staying at her grandmothers house over there so we won't have to worry about that just shopping.lol.

Speaking of my best friend.Yesterday we engaged in conversation.She told me that she's a sometimes bi-sexual(?) and that she only craves pussy sometimes.looool.wow.I was floored after that I had to stop laughing before I could speak again.A sometimes bi-sexual.I of course think she's plain gay(shhhh)but whatever.

I got a chance to smoke after a very long time and wouldn't you know my ass fell asleep right afterwards.Bum.But then again it was three girls and I was the only one that was high sooo figures.

I'm leaving for South Africa completely sex free,which I'll remain until I come back from Jamaica.It's the least I can do for myself.I do not want my cluttered with thoughts of girls and pussy(mmm)and sex and all that shit.I need a long break to just be with myself and relax.This vacation is all about me.No one else is involved.I don't have to worry about anybody else's needs except mine.The only need I'll be ignoring are my carnal needs.But other than that I'll most certainly be enjoying myself to the fullest.One of the other girls that's going is also queer(not used in a derogotory way sp?)so hopefiully she will want to go to a few gay bars and hopefully I will meet some gays to chill with while I'm there.Ten days.

I can't believe it

update:it's actually 9more days!!!!oh my godd now I'm panicking

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:: 2006 14 July :: 10.40 am

suffer,and wonder
it's good to see that selfish people always know how to bounce back:they forget everything that they did and blame it all on you.And they almost always miss the point.For example:my complaint might be that the person lied to me about loving me(I mean come on,love is a big word to be thrown around haphazardly like that),but the clueless one misses the point and assumes,in all likelihood that you are probably this bitter person who's mad that they broke up with you(becuase it's always about them,naturally) when it has nothing to do with that at all.Are we in high school or something?Bitter?It's about being honest,to yourself at least if not to everyone else.I see where I went wrong(though to others that might be considered a natural side effect to loving someone(i.e sensitivity,caring,extra attentiveness etc etc)but own up to your bullshit too.You shit where you eat and you gotta deal with the smell for quiet sometime.

Some people just do not have a grasp of the english language.Or maybe more so they just don't know the definition of certain words.

All this time,these self-affirmations,these final realizations that it was you to blame all along for our fake as relationship,has been so I can move on with my life as I am doing,and be happy as I am,and to finally know the complete truth from your ex,as I do now,all these things have served to make me a much stronger person and to see that no matter how hard you try to hide it,you are one dimensional.You are selfish,it's so simple even you refuse to to acknowledge it.Becuase to be considered one-dimensional and simple?You?Ms. Artistic Soul?Never!!!!You could never accept it.Take a look at your past,and stop being agnry at me that you fucked up two relationships,fucked over two girls who loved you unconditionally.Actually,be angry.

I like to see that you are not so self-righteous after all.Learn to see that this healing process,though it might seem about you,in fact has nothing to do with you at all.Becuase you are yesterday.You are the wound that has already scabbed over after oozing a yellowy liquid of pain.But you,my dear ex-girlfriend,cannot see that past your incessant need to make everything,and I mean everything about you.Don't call the kettle black.

oh and p.s look up the word hypocrisy in the dictionary.I don't think you quiet have a grasp of the true definition of it.

Hate me.I want nothing more

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:: 2006 13 July :: 2.54 pm

A Farewell to False Love
Farewell false love, the oracle of lies,
A mortal foe and enemy to rest,
An envious boy, from whom all cares arise,
A bastard vile, a beast with rage possessed,
A way of error, a temple full of treason,
In all effects contrary unto reason.

A poisoned serpent covered all with flowers,
Mother of sighs, and murderer of repose,
A sea of sorrows whence are drawn such showers
As moisture lend to every grief that grows;
A school of guile, a net of deep deceit,
A gilded hook that holds a poisoned bait.

A fortress foiled, which reason did defend,
A siren song, a fever of the mind,
A maze wherein affection finds no end,
A raging cloud that runs before the wind,
A substance like the shadow of the sun,
A goal of grief for which the wisest run.

A quenchless fire, a nurse of trembling fear,
A path that leads to peril and mishap,
A true retreat of sorrow and despair,
An idle boy that sleeps in pleasure's lap,
A deep mistrust of that which certain seems,
A hope of that which reason doubtful deems.

Sith* then thy trains my younger years betrayed, [since]
And for my faith ingratitude I find;
And sith repentance hath my wrongs bewrayed*, [revealed]
Whose course was ever contrary to kind*: [nature]
False love, desire, and beauty frail, adieu.
Dead is the root whence all these fancies grew.

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:: 2006 13 July :: 12.50 am

fuck you whoeva you are
It's like looking at a person,and knowing that every single word they say to you is complete and utter bullshit.And even if they haven't done anything yet to fuck up,they eventually will.Becuase the world is full of such people.Insecure bastards who will go to any length necessary to belong,to be understood as genuine entities,when they might as well be walking around butt ass naked cause you already see them for who they truly are.

And as such nothing you say will ever mean anything to me.Nothing.Becuase I cannot trust you.You are not trustworthy.You are human,and you are a lier,and you will use me if I let you.And I hate you even before I have met you.Because you will never meet up to my standards.You will never be willing to be you around me,and me being me will be too much for you.My self confidence will be too much for you.My understanding of myself will be too much for you.So you will bullshit me and try to pull a wool over my eys.But what you don't know that I have eyes in the back of my fucking head.So fuck you.Fuck everything that you say and do.I can see right through you.

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:: 2006 12 July :: 7.57 pm
:: Mood: ashamed

I was watching Mary Poppins today and all I could think about was what was under her dress....

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