POO ON A STICK!
Why in the hell does she think talking about it helps things? It doesn't. Not at all. Good Lord.

I'm going to become quiet and reserved and never tell anyone anything cause I'm so sick of this.

By the way I tried to say I'll be there...
Two hate him.
One adores him.
One considers him “different.”
One couldn’t care less.
One believes she knows him.
One is seceding in not thinking too much at all.
And another is a friend.

I don’t who to be right now. But, I’m fending for myself this time cause there is no way I’m counting on them.

"I don't understand, Kurt." "That is because.....you're gay" "Ohhhhh, I see"
That same confusion is sweeping over me again. Maybe if I hadn't asked her to say something to him, he wouldn't have gotten the wrong idea. And Davey seems to become more and more attached to me everyday. Why is that we are obbsessed with each other at different times? And never at once? It all comes rushing in at me all too quikly, so naturally, I can't handle it. Damn.

I wonder why this is happening for the second time....Hmmmm?

I've just been hit with the happiness bug. Like.....right now! Forget about that confused thing. I'm gonna do what I think is right.

My birthday is in 21 days

Are you supposing that coconuts migrate?
Wow. I’m a silly girl.

Yesterdat I was forced to go my uncles cottage with my parents. Not fun. Kurt isn’t forced to go places he doesn’t want to. I am. He played baseball with his best friends while I was pretending to love being in the sun and playing in the sand. I don’t. I was quite grumpy, too. Most unlike me. My cousins, who happen to be six and two years old, annoying and inquisitive, had made friends with the neighbor children. Yay for me, the one who had to watch them all and listen to them play marco polo for two and a half hours....

“Marco?”

“He is dead, kid. Marco‘s dead.”

I hate spending time with my parents. When they are together they argue about stupid things. So stupid I do not dare to utter, for fear I will become as stupid as that. When they are apart they have their own things that bother me. My mother, she can take the happiness out of any situation. It is one of her talents, I’m thinking. She thinks about things and she thinks about how hard she can make them. Makes a plan. Then makes someone else do it for her. She always has this grumpy look on her face, like she is disgusted. I hate that look. It should be made illegal. My dad, nothing more or less than pathetic. I don’t really respect him. I can’t ever really say that I’ve ever really said “I love you” and meant it. But you don’t know him. It’s hard to love him, and who would want to? The plus: Reflecting on the example he shows, I’ve learned that I really hate it when people don’t respect themselves. Urg. No.

Yesterday was Zach’s birthday party. It was at his girlfriends house. Super awww. They make a cute couple. Zach + Carinna. We tried to watch A Walk To Remember, but that didn’t work, everyone was talking. This particularly upset me, Shane West is mighty hot. Eventually we got around to volleyball. Fun sport I suppose, but not for me. I think I only play it because I think it is funny to imagine the look on my face when I’m going after the ball.... Ha Ha. Theresa=Funny

"Say something funny." "Something funny" "That is the gayest thing I've ever heard and if you say it again, I'll hurt you...."
I love them. So much. Carinna, I love you. Lindsey, I love you.

They listened and understood. I can’t ask a single thing more from them. Oh, they are miracles...

I keep retracing in my head the stories Red told me and the looks Lindsey gave me. I now know things I never did. I don’t understand. By the way, Zach, I love you, too. My tears still hurt, but they come as they please. I’ll never know why that is.

I don’t understand. I’m a good person. I try to show compassion. I do care. I love life even though it’s not what I want it to be. I don’t get what’s mine. I think this system sucks. Damn it.

When my tears subside for the seconds that they do...I wonder..... Is this what calming yourself down is? Or is it beyond tears? I’ll never know. I hate that too. Bad things happening to good people? I just don’t get it...... Dear God, if you can hear me, tell me why I’m crying. If you can, tell me why. If you don’t know.... I’ve lost my hope. I don’t know what to love anymore. I just don’t know.

Get away from me! You stupid quack! Where is your PHD?
Oh, and another thing. I’m being bothered by my past, but in odd ways. It makes me want to cry. I won’t though, cause that just might be the stupidest thing I’ve done yet...

Oh well. What can I do? He is the one who needs to change. I didn’t do anything wrong. Nothing.

Help. I need someone....
I wish I could’ve posted this when it was still new in my mind, but due to my sibling, I could not. Well, nonetheless, here it is....YESTERDAY.

First day of school. Sick. But I saw him today. G-Boy....In the halls....just walking, being who he always was. It was the weirdest thing, the weirdest feeling. I wanted to cry. He looked....hurt. My friends know how I feel, I’m not sure they understand completely. Or maybe, just maybe they don’t care. I dunno, I don’t really blame them, either. I got home from Carinna’s house and I thought about it and just completely broke down. I mean, really, completely broke down. Everything ran through my head. Everything it could fit. Some things that I’m still not ready to talk about. Then I thought why I was crying, and then I laughed. I put on my tuff face and made a few phone calls....I work in weird ways....

You're leaving me here alone with all your letters...
She is being her antagonizing self, yet again. She has forgotten who I am. She never knew. But I don’t care, I never really needed her for anything. Do I have to bring out a can of independence? I give up, I do. I really don’t care. Zero caring. There is no more compassion left in me for her.

I'm A Shellfish!
They are treating me like a little girl. Like I can't think for myself. I don't like that.

Oh well, I'm going to run away from them, too.

I'm alright, It's alright. It only hurts when I breathe.
I feel alone and I don’t have a reason to.

I wonder why, I really do. This a different feeling. I used to feel this way very often, but then it changed and I felt fine. Now, for the first time in a very long while, I feel that way again. Every one I think of makes me feel like I’m sitting in solitude. I kinda wish my brother was home, he just called and I don’t know why I miss him. My mom was supposed to call on her break, but I guess she didn’t get around to it, cause the phone hasn’t rang in a bit. Every one is yelling at me. I haven’t done anything wrong.

I normally feel alive when it’s raining. Why don’t I now?

I really hate writing about everything that bothers me. But right now, it’s the things that bother me that are the things that make me think.

I words in my head...
Simply Andy

He's fading fast.
But I don’t know why
What to do with a broken friend and a community tear?
I hate the way this world system works...
To show hate in your sleep
And love when you need it
Is the sickest thing I've heard yet
If only I could change it
Bad things happen to good people
I understand
But why this one?
Innocent perfect person
Screaming unspeakable words
For those unaccounted for
He is bringing me back to earth
The one he knows
He makes me understand why there
Are tears on my pillow
Things that are happening
Don’t make the sense that they should
I’m confused and I know why
I’m staring at my reflection
And I can see right through me
I see sad times and silence
It’s hard and it’s nobody’s place
He is holding everything is his hand
I’m not sure he knows it
He isn’t well
They say that everyday brings change
But I don’t understand
Cause I’ve been the living days of eternity
In the same feeling
Things happen for a reason
But I’m having trouble finding this one...
He is sitting in the gray area
In between scared and hopeful
But not alone
I’m there with him
~Me August 17, 2002

MariGAY
Today was 8th grade orientation. Scared the shit outta me. I hate going to those stupid things. I wish someone would realize that getting a new shirt doesn’t make you a different person.

What I hated most was seeing the teachers that shared a mutual hatred between us. They put on this act like “although I hated teaching you and you talked all the time in my class and never made an effort, I want to know how you are” type of thing.

I realized that I’m not a little girl anymore today. I’m not too sure exactly when it was, but I’m thinking it was when I was fusing over a mascara mistake that I’d made. That’s pitiful.