A Colorful Merry-Go-Round Of Death

:: 2004 2 December :: 9.51pm

The more I think about it the more unreal it seems.

Wake me up.

:: 2004 1 December :: 8.40pm

You make me have to catch my breath.

And that's how I know.

:: 2004 29 November :: 7.16pm
:: Music: Rilo Kiley - I never

Does he love you?
I was reading over my old entires from my other journal.. I thought this was interesting.

I have a feeling that if I jumped off a bridge, they would not only jump farther and with more grace than I did, but when I died from the fall, they would live.

Sometimes I still feel like that.

:: 2004 29 November :: 3.08pm
:: Mood: bored/tired
:: Music: TBS - Bonus Moshpit Pt. 2

Come on say it is
The parties..they've been real, they've been fun...but they havent been real fun. its dulling, less and less people show. but hey, everything's cool. i've hit rock bottom with eating. yesterday i had to bring back like $2.50 worth of pop bottles. i got 2 6 packs of ramen..a meijer 2 liter, and i had to steal the koolaid...I FUCKING STOLE KOOLAID. then later on me and nate went back for some tortilla's and cheese. wouldnt be my first time stealing cheese. anyway, im just chillin here alone at home. nothing to do, no one's online. i turned in 5 aps yesterday..hopefully i can get my ass a job. i need the money. i owe lots of people, i must pay them back. i wish i had something i could sell, but i aint got shit. well, i guess im off to find something to do. later.

Bradalee

8 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 26 November :: 4.33pm

Ugh.
You don't understand why I'm mad at you all the time when you're online.

But, I do.

:: 2004 25 November :: 10.19pm
:: Mood: chillin
:: Music: MSI - tornado

you're just like all of the rest
whats up kids? just chillin here at the apartment. kinda bored. halo2 party the other night was kickass. had some fun, drank a little. it was good to see people again. thanksgiving was pretty good. i spent it with stacy and her family. i didnt wanna spend it alone at home so that's where i went. my family isnt big at all and they had other plans so yeah. but shits good. im doing pretty good here, things are picking up. im looking forward to getting a job soon. hoping to have another party soon, so ill talk to nate and give some info hopefully. but other than all that, not much has been going down. i miss you all, hope things are going good. i guess ill be going now, later.

Bradalee

p.s. feel free to show up if you're bored..soon!

1 bullet | Load my gun

:: 2004 25 November :: 9.13am
:: Music: Le Tigre - Eau D'Bedroom

This could be perfect.

:: 2004 20 November :: 8.16am
:: Music: Death Cab for Cutie - Title and Registration

I couldn't sleep..
It's just tough love, sweetie.

2 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 16 November :: 6.49pm
:: Mood: Bored Bored Bored
:: Music: Skid Row - Remember Yesterday

Not another rant, it's ok.
Bored as fuck. well, for the past few days i've been stranded here in the apartment. no gas to get anywhere. no money to buy anything..nothing. i just sit my ass on this computer, listen to music and play halo2 and thats about it, oh and i watch lots of movies. wish i had some friends to come visit me. heh, anyway, i figured, its too hard to hold together a band with all the needed members. so now, im looking to start an acoustic band. i think its a pretty good idea. but yeah if you know anyone or you yourself are interested, get a hold of me. i thought it might also be cool to have like a girl sing in it too, that might be rad, but i dont know. just hit me with some idea's people. well, im going to talk to nate probably tonight about having a Halo2 party this weekend. see what he thinks, then ill post it and whoever wants to come can come. we'd set up a few tv's and get some more copies of halo together. but yeah, tell me if you're interested. i'd like it to be like the one's i used to have at my old house. with everyone just killing eachother and having an awesome time. so thats what i think about that. ill catch you all on the flipside..

Bradley

8 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 15 November :: 7.12pm

listen, there's shit i need to say. the shit with jay, its between me and him. i shouldnt have said anything, if i didnt, i wouldnt feel like such a shitty friend. i understand why he's upset with me, i deserve it. but now, everyone is talking shit about me. i dont deserve that. i dont see why there is anyone but jay bringing me down. i know i did some shit i shouldnt have done, and i regret it. but everyone should just keep out of it. now, i dont trust anyone. i cant. if you're my friend and you honestly havent said a thing about me, then maybe i can still be your friend. but otherwise, i want nothing to do with you. i want best friends. i the couple people i had, all i can do is be loyal to them now. if there's even a chance. but i just want to know who my friends are. thats all. and if you are my friend, be happy for me, dont doubt me. my past is nothing more than my past now. gah, im losing my train of thought now...thats all i guess. bye.

3 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 15 November :: 6.25am
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday - Go on

Find yourself a better life.
I hate how he can be a complete, selfish bastard. How he can try to ruin someone elses life, who has done nothing wrong to him for the past months. Someone who is trying to just forget. I don't want to be enemies, I just don't want to be friends. Yet, every day he pushes me toward hate. I don't get it. I don't think I ever will. How can someone "love" you, then a few months later want to make your life hell? I regret him more than anything.

How are everyone elses comments rude, or uncalled for? And every cold word he says, appropriate? He's a terrible person. I see him as a jealous, pathetic, boy who didn't get exactly what he wanted, so he's hating the girl he so dearly "loved" because her life is somewhat decent. I have every right to hate you. So I will.

And go on, try to ruin my life. You can only do so much. I'm sick of your empty threats. You're weak in my eyes.

Oh, and if you're going to tell everyone you want to know why and you're going to ask me, fucking do it. Or are you too afraid that I'll actually have an answer? Don't worry, sweetie, I have plenty.

:: 2004 13 November :: 1.13pm
:: Music: Frou Frou - Psychobabble

You're just dying to try me.
In all its ugliness
it is beautiful.

:: 2004 11 November :: 12.02pm

i finally got my license back. now im back on the road. except yesterday my car decided to bite the dust and not start for the whole damn day. but i had someone fix it. hopefully it wasnt a one time fix and it'll stop working again today. i really need to get it looked at and tuned up.

when i look at how everything is right between everyone...i think, wow, if our old selves from at least 2 years ago seen how we are now. they would kick the shit out of us for being so stupid. this group used to be all about friendship, we were the closest group of friends that nothing could split apart. i hate to look and realize how fucked up everything has gotten. one reason as to why things change so much...every year new people just invite themselves into the group. people that most everyone doesnt like, just because one person is friends with them...they're all of the sudden a huge deal in this group. i dont feel as if there is one big group anymore. now its seperate little groups secretly talking bad things about all of the other little groups. then some gang up and attack another group. i was part of what i thought was pretty much the origional group for the most part. a few new additions but thats ok, everyone got along. but now, shits just gotten worse over little things. i feel as though the members in my group(not saying its MY group) dont talk enough about their feelings towards eachother. and im a prime example of that, i fucked up. i know i did, but im doing now everything i can to repair this hole in our friendships. i feel as though the group is so busy talking shit about other people that we dont realize what we're turning into. we're not caring about true feelings, we're just worried about making fun or pissing off other people that really mean nothing to us. i dont want this group to fall apart. the group i consider myself a part of has a select few in it. the other people i accociate with are just friends, nothing more. and i dont want my true friends confused by that. but i know one thing, ive learned my lesson not to say something that shouldnt be said about people i know i dont want to lose. i will never find two more guys friends that i am so much alike. no one will ever compare to them. if i lose them, its my fault as of now. if there's anything i can do to get things normal, i will do it.

but now, im going to leave, think about what ive said. goodbye.

14 bullets | Load my gun

Brad	:: 2004 10 November :: 8.23pm I'm sorry, please forgive me. Believe me if you could. 6 bullets \| Load my gun

:: 2004 9 November :: 4.21pm

I am so fucking sick of everyone.

Selfish, back stabbing, pieces of shit. That's all you are.

:: 2004 8 November :: 7.05pm

I hate how I get dissapointed so easily.

:: 2004 4 November :: 11.47pm
:: Mood: not too bad
:: Music: Skid Row - Remember Yesterday

Great fucking song.
Things are starting to look up people. i guess i just got an offer from Mr. Hazel to live with him. that would be awesome. but i'm gonna talk to him tomorrow and see about all of that. i now have a couple ways i am gonna get the $300 for court. but its gonna take some hard work. its a drag always being completely broke. but i guess im making my own way. in soon time, im going to prove to all of you that i can make it on my own. im not dissing on anyone or anything, but i bet a majority couldnt have gone this long without parents or anyone around for help all the time. i mean, ive had help..but ive had to find it on my own. it has been hard living without parents for so long. but shits getting better. and just for referance...if you're going to say something about what i just said..about no parents and shit..keep your mouth shut because i could really care what you have to say. thats just for anyone who wants to start shit about all that. anyway, saturday im going with nate on a double date kind of thing. going to the mall and out to eat and stuff. that should be fun. its not necessarely a date but some people might consider it that. im thinking this weekend will be pretty fun. but ill see you all tomorrow at the end of the school day, i got some shit to do in the morning in cedar so ill be around. i had this talk with someone earlier, about music and whatnot. i wanna know who agree's with me here.
Skid Row
Motley Crew
L.A. Guns
Guns and Roses
Queensryche
These are a few of the greatest bands in the history of music. tell me if you agree with me here. there's more but, the 80's rock...there's nothing better. all the shit we listen to now, these were most likely inspiration to tons of them. i guess i just feel like causing some music controversy. anyway, tell me what you think. see all of you later.

Bradley

5 bullets | Load my gun

:: 2004 4 November :: 6.27am
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday - Set Phasers to Stun

I won't ever make another promise.
I want to know everything.

:: 2004 3 November :: 4.21pm
:: Mood: pretty good
:: Music: Elvis Presley - money hunny

news for all. none of you will be seeing me for a little while. i wont be at school for a week or so. im getting my license back tomorrow. its going to cost me around $300, thats nothing though...it was cut down a lot by the judge. i guess im the first one in the group to actually go to court...with the judge and the whole "all rise" thing. it was messed up. my fee's would have been about a grand, but the judge was nice. but there were people there who were getting in trouble for breaking into cars and vandolizing and shit...they had to pay like $5000. it was a realy wake up call...trashing shit isnt worth it anymore after seeing what they had to go through. but i took my tint off today, now im borrowing the $300 from my aunt because she's the only one who has that kind of money. its either that or jail...and i would go to jail, for a max of 93 days. but anyway, im gonna be staying here at nate's for the time im not around. im gonna be looking for a job so i can repay some debts and get back on my feet. obviously my dad isnt going to give me child support...if he does, cool. if he doesnt, fuck him. so i guess i was just telling you all, if you care, this way no one worries or anything. i havent slept since two nights ago..its terrible. anyway, you all have fun. love you all, goodbye.

Brad

11 bullets | Load my gun