School-Sheelys Party
School sucked as usual and Mr.Crosby is a fag.
Sheelys party was really fun. Kally was there with her friends and it was good to see DAVID there also lol. We just chilled talked...ping pong.some danced..lol..listened to music and towards the end watched Signs. We ran outside in the cold because we got hot in the basement and almost got hit by cars acouple times. Some jackass guys with girls in their car tried to covince us that we cracked his windshield with a snowball. He convinced some of us and we ran back to the house lol i didnt. Yeah.. i really dont remember much in detail i dont know why either lol. But over all it was pretty fun. Valentines day still sucks.

i stared at them as they locked hands and just sat across from eachother and talked yes theresa I'm talking about you and David.

She doesnt even realize how lucky she is to have someone like that. I think i actually rudely watched them the whole party lol..Theresa i am jealous of what you and David have. David is a good funny guy. Dont let him get away.

Eh Valentines day just makes me feel lonely just as i predicted. I guess it wasnt as bad as i though though. Maybe next year it will be better.

How I urge to have his arm around my shoulder...god hes so fiioneeee..

Ahh...Tomorrow
Today was a boring day. I woke up and dreaded going to school. Dreaded it more than ANYTHING! It was just really slow. Lindsey and I didn’t get to sleep in L.A. Maybe tomorrow though, we have a party in that class..maybe we can ask to go in the speech and drama room instead. Yesterday a little 6th grader asked me if I was a lesbian. Oh yeah that’s me….*rolls eyes* I am farrr from lesbo, ok …ask my friend Emily. We made songs ok…songs….you don’t wanna know the content of those songs…we were weird but we had songs. We obsess over guys and talk about them a lot. 2 things…guys and shopping that’s it…that’s all I need. Tomorrows the “big” day. Egh the only thing I have to look forward to is no bake cookies in cooking. Mmm. That will be good. I feel bloated. I drank to much FruitO2 water. That stuff is pretty good. I have a headache. Hmm…that would be interesting if Ivan was my secret valentine. LMAO!! OMG!! Lol I’d like shit myself. He gives me a card made out of gray fabric and its him as a stick figure holding my hand. I don’t think I’d live after that happen…I’d be the first to die of laughter. Poor Ivan. We make fun of him too much. I’ll probably go to the gym after school tomorrow. I doubt anyone will be there because of the V-day dances. Oh well…threes a crowd right? I donno..i haven’t been talking like my usual self..or atleast I don’t feel like I have. I’ve been more observant. Maybe more than needed. Tuesday on the way to my bus I saw Zach in front of me walking and he saw me and stopped and kink of walked with me to my bus. Zach is nice I don’t think I give him enough credit for that. I have yet to figure him out. While everyone’s hating on him…I don’t really care.. I think people might be jealous I could be way off. Just another one of my silent observations. There is a wire on my braces that has been bugging me for weeks. I have yet to actually complain about it out loud. I have other worries. Ah…the second most celebrated holiday. How it has come so fast. Eh I’d rather be alone than to be with a complete stranger desperate just to say I’m going out with someone. I am still waiting here Mr. Right. I know you’re out there and I think I might know who you are. There’s still time Amy, give it a rest.

A glimpse of what I’m writing and working on at the moment…..

*The rain has started in a gentle breeze
Stretching over the midnight sky
Stealing the breath of us all
Making the weak of us cry
****

*I believe tomorrow is another day in the making
I hope that there is an existence of happy out there
I think I will be able to abolish the constant battles with my conscious
I want to believe that there are no limits for me and that I can become anything
But still be true to myself.
****

I get stuck and give up most likely those will be tossed.

I forgot somethin..
I forgot to say that I saw an old friend at champion and walked over and said hi to him. He was like "omg its Amy Baird" and the guy he was with was like "IT IS?" WTF? lol I havent seen the other kid in my life...makes me wonder if i'm known lol. Yeah patrick was so cute. We use to be such good friends. He was a really good friend. When i saw him at a football game he had someone yell my name LOL how sweet. I g2g

Today
I woke up aroud 9. Just in time to catch Dr.Phil. Dammit i forgot to watch martha stewart living. I went to champion around 12ish and saw alot of people there.Zach Eldgrige, Jimmy moredyke, Jeff Henry, Claire Goodwin, Kellie Williams..umm..Zach Cross, Ross Mcgilse. I shot some hoops with Kellie and Claire for a while until i was distracted by the sweet aroma of smoothies. When Kellie and Claire was leaving Claire tried to wave bye with her and in her pocket and change and stuff fell out. Claire is so funny.

COMPLAMENT OF THE DAY GOES TO: Kellie Williams. "Amy, have you lost weight?" Amy:"yes."
Kellie:"you can tell"
thank you kellie for that. You should win a cheep award although i dont have any. Good day.

I must be goning

a Spark of hope!
Ah, atlas a snow day. Of course today cant be perfect, my mom has to be here also. I thought I was going to have a day where I can just relax and have a break of from school. Its early still but who knows what she’ll pull. She already has made a bitchy comment about going to champion. “We have to go to champion today they are still open you know.” No really.. she makes me go. She doesn’t have to fore me I’ll go willingly its not a big deal! I don’t get why she has to have such a felling of empowerment over us. She does it to my dad too. I think I want to go back to bed. Who knows how that will blow over though? I still have a bedroom to clean and my mom will probably make us do some laundry. Not all that bad but it drives me crazy the way she tells us to do all this stuff, which is not a big deal, and just rants and raves about it. It’s stupid. She has to stop. My sister is going to be gone, out of this house in what..2 years or less. I’m definitely going to try to get out of this house at least when I’m 18. 4 more years for me. Does it even dawn on her that we will leave and possibly/ probably not come back unless forced to. Wait. Forced to by whom? We will both be 18 or over and legally be able to make our own decisions. No one can force us to go back. I think I might have already talked about this in here but oh well. My sister is going to get an apartment as soon as she gets settled into a job…I’d give it a year or so until that will happen. Don’t worry guys; the apartment would still be in Rockford. The plan is, is that she will get an apartment and I’ll live with her. I’ll get a decent job for a 15 year old and help pay rent. We could be on our own. No mom to constantly put us down into our miseries. It would be nice. The only way I see us going back to the house is to do our laundry. Wait, apartments have laundry things or we can always go to a laundry place. Oh how cool it would be. It would be like a total life style change. It would be amazing to live differently. Carrying a job, going to the dry cleaner to go to my laundry, living in an apartment, hopefully bonding with my sister and being able to tell her anything. It would be like…just us two. I cant believe how good it feels to think about it and imagine it. I hope its not just a fantasy and that we will do it. I want out and I know my sister wants it badly too. We wouldn’t have to clean. My parents would have any worries about us…we wouldn’t make messes because we wouldn’t be there. We wouldn’t have to clean other than our apartment. We would have our own money. My sister has as bank account with about $800 in it. We could use it for back up just in case we didn’t have enough for rent. It would be a dream, too good to be true. The more I think about that possibility the more I want to get out of here, desperately. I cant wait. I need to discuss this with Ashley. This will at least take place next year around this time. She will be 18 and I will be 15. We could go to R rated movies. She could..she could…. be my mom. The mom I never had. I’d rather be with my sister than my mom. I love this idea. I love it more than anything. I want to do it now. But it’s too early. Maybe this summer. We will figure it out, things are going to be ok soon. Things will be ok soon. I’ll finally be happy.
Different subject---
He’s really cute. Just someone in my past. I saw him and it just brings back all the memories and the good times we had together. He was like the only actually kindof sortof boyfriend I ever had. The more I talk to him the more I get turned off. Hes not..ugh…serious enough. He just….he doesn’t know the right things to say. I keep wanting mentally to change him. Mold him into who I want him to be but I know its not going to happen. I’m giving up right now because I have better options. Hes not who I’m really focusing on now anyways. I should just forget about it. He seems immature anyways. I can do better. But hes so hard to forget.

I’m still waiting for that silver platter to come; I’ll never stop waiting.
When I got home and started doing my homework everything was fine except for the continuous pounding on my head. I started to get frustrated, damn homework. All the sudden I got this thick lump in my throat. I had this feeling. This Friday is going to be Valentines Day, and I’m going to be alone. Completely alone. I don’t know why it means so much to me this year and that it didn’t last. Last year it was no big deal but why do I feel so alone now that its coming up. I know exactly what’s going to happen and Its going to be so painful to go through the day. Friday morning I’ll wake up and there will be nothing…no surprises or cards. I’ll go to school and have to watch everyone hugging each other. I’ll have to go to class only to be interrupted by student council handing out carnations. I’ll sit patiently, carnation-less. I’ll go home and still there will be nothing and my mom will come home and bitch. I don’t know why it makes me feel so terrible that I know that this is going to happen. All I want to do is be loved or be showed that I’m loved. No one has ever said that they loved me other than my friends. Not my parents, not my family. I think that I’ve gone through so much since last year..maybe that’s why I feel like I’m owed something at least. I wish I could be upfront to those I feel so close to and just be cool with everything. I wish there was someone…someone that would just spend every moment with me just reassuring me that I’m loved and that they love me as much as I love them. Perfect fairytale romance. Its never going to happen. I don’t think they know how much they mean to me. Even if they did…they would never be like the guy that was sentimental. The guy that I could just be a friend with and we were happy just being friends. We were close friends too. The kind that would laugh together, send each other emails like we were best friends. I sent him a Christmas email about a year ago telling him how much he meant to me and that our friendship meant everything. He emailed me back and said he felt the same and wished that I had the best Christmas ever. It was just so nice to have a friend like that but now he’s gone. He acts like a total ass towards me and hes just gone…none of my guy friends will ever be as caring and as sensitive has he was. It just meant a lot and I don’t think he realized that. People change….I hate it. I know I always set my self up for rejection. I just want another guy friend that will be as nice as he was, and they do. But I’m not with them. God I’m having a lack of north guys I need to start going to champion again, to at least brighten my day and have a good time or at least to see them. Enough sorrows for now. I’m speechless afraid this lump in my throat will turn into even more tears.