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2003 8 February :: 9.24 pm
:: Mood: blissful
:: Music: Nora Jones- Dont know why
Construction
I'm going to be changing the look of my journal..dark..deep..i want my song to be dont know why by nora jones..i'll work on it.
Blow me a... |
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2003 8 February :: 7.54 pm
:: Mood: Foshizzle
:: Music: none
Foshizzle
A lot of people say music inspires them…I donno its not the same with me. I mean I like music to like listen to when I’m in a pissed off mood but sometimes I just cant stand noises its weird. When I’m mad and crying for some reason I always rely on writing. I’ve gone through weeks of listening to my L.A. teacher talking about how soulful writing is and it just went in one ear and out the other..but I just realize that I like to write.. But I hate writng on topic. When I find or hear something I want to write about it I will..When I just get so pissed I pick up a pencil and write. I’m considering goning to the store with my evil mom just so I can get a pad of paper. No lines..that is a form of restriction. I want it to be blank paper…and I want pencils and pens too..Its my plan…reverse my anger into a pen or pencil…I hope that works. I’ve been thinking..about jobs ..my future and my career. I have been so stupid lately.. I don’t give a shit and that’s my problem. I want to become someone…something important…someone who makes bazillions of dollars lol. I went through this whole phase where I wanted to be an artist. Over the years I was stupid and I haven’t kept up with art and taking art classes like I use to. I bet no one knew that! HA! No one probably new I took art classes. I took 2 years of sketching out of school, a painting class, and a pottery class. It cost quite a bit of money though I think…But I loved it..it was soo fun! Plus I’d like to meet some new people. Maybe there would be some HOT guys in there! OMG! I NEED TO START TAKING ART CLASSES LOL!! I am so MODIVATED! Well..I don’t think the whole wanting to be an artist things is a phase. I still like doing that kind of stuff…I WANT TO TAKE CLASSES!!ooo!!! GOD I NEED TO RUN THIS BY MY MOM! I don’t care if I have a friend do it with me or not.. I’ll go alone if I have to but the possibility of seeing some hot guy there drooolll plus…if there isn’t I still got my art.. and if there is…We will have something in common.. Well. .. then I had the thought that I wanted to be a forensic specialist. Those people who operate on the dead to find clues on the cause of death or to see if their body or brain had any dysfunctions or abnormalities. I still keep that idea..because doctors get hefty pay checks. Another job idea that I’ve kindof kept on the back burner is a writer. Writers don’t get much cash unless they are like…top selling authors. Soo…I have a while to actually figure out what I wanna do.. I’d say 4 years is enough. I really gotta ask my mom about those art classes! OO!! That would be so cool to meet different people from different schools. OO! Maybe some new friends …new GUYS god! Lol don’t get too hyped up amy lol. My entry below was from like earlier today…but I posted it like 20 mins ago..but I’m pretty ok right now.
Blow me a... |
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2003 6 February :: 6.00 pm
:: Mood: i hate picking these moods..so i'll just say..I'm
:: Music: none
Good and Bad
Ok…there’s good news and bad news. Well…. for the good, Sheely got good news at her court thingy today. I’m glad everything worked out and that she gets to see her dad less. That’s good. Her dad scares the shit out of me. Also, we found out Ivan’s middle name, and it is Eloy. Ivan Eloy Plews. It has a pretty ring to it lmao jking. The suspense is gone now..but all we need to figure out is what his sister looks like and where he lives. Bad news, we are so going to war I know it. Ok….Bush said that Iraq was hiding bio-hazardous chemicals or nuclear bombs in trucks and cars so the weapon inspectors wouldn’t find them…OK…according to my research… some bio-hazardous chemicals can be launched inland and can spread for thousands of miles… Chicken pox and god knows what other diseases they could launch to us.. They could seriously attack the whole U.S. with it. NOT GOOD.. Also.. if we do go to the war …18 yr old guys will be getting drafted. (Sheely, since your dad tries to act younger maybe they will take him haha) So sad so sad. Ok..now my news. OK BAD BAD NEWS, Apparently the whole budget cuts are going whack. My mom could be getting her pay cut and my dad has already had a 5,000 pay cut in the last year. I’m scared… my mom asked me to get a job..well she didn’t really ask me being the bitch she is she acted like she was going to make me. Someone better get a job with me because I DON’T wanna do it alone. Although having money would be niccceee. REALL NICEE!! But I need someone to be there with me.. Theresa and Sheely..come work at subway with me .. OMG THAT WOULD BE SWEET! I could meet…JARED!! Ahh!! Lol.
I redid my spool racer and it looks 10 times more kick ass than it did before! SCCWWEET! I officially named it Foshizzle. And its middle and last name is My Nizzle lol. Eh, today was ok but it was boing. I want my Mrs. Klaes back because then Lindsey and I sleep in the speech and drama room. I hate substitute teachers!!
1 *KiSs |
Blow me a... |
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2003 5 February :: 9.27 pm
:: Mood: ok
:: Music: Greenwheel-Breathe
God..
Today was an ok day. My days have been going by pretty fast, I have no worries, not a care in the world. I went to Sheely’s after school. I enjoyed it very much. I like the positive atmosphere there. Krystal came there too like a couple hours after I did. I knew she’d come. Even though I didn’t figure out their spool racers I have a very good time there even due to the fact that Matt Tripp came over. I need to hang out with Krystal more. She’s a good person. When I called home to see when my parents wanted me to be home my mom was all like in her bitchy mood- the one that shes always in. She was like “Well…what time do we want you home? Did you even discuss any of this with your father? Well.. now would be good, you have to clean the kitchen anways.” So I had to go home like a hour and a half early. I got home and there were like bags, wrappers, silverware, and crap just all over the counter. There was a brownie wrapper on the counter and I asked who had it because I wanted to know if they liked it or not and my mom goes “What your analyzing our food now?” God the way she says things..I could just kill her. They got fast food and had thrown everything on the counter because they knew they wouldn’t have to clean it up. Especially my mom. She does that every day. Leaves her shit around and has us take care of it. So then she goes “Since you didn’t have much of a kitchen to clean…take down the newspapers.” I know that’s not a big deal but the way she says it like high demand. She says it like it’s a penalty or punishment. The way she says it … I could just punch her. From now on I plan to live at sheelys house. That would be nice. No sister…no mom. I’d come back to see my dad and the kitty but that’s about it. 2 more days only 2 more days. I need to keep telling my self I can handle it. I think I can, even though I know I cant. This weekend is something I’m definitely looking forward to. But its going to be a gay weekend because no one will want to do anything, my family will be lazy and not want to do anything. I’ll sit and home in my pjs and do nothing the whole weekend. I predict there will be more conflict with my mom. I don’t care I cry then get over it. Almost cried today and broke my 3 day record.
Blow me a... |
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2003 3 February :: 9.31 pm
:: Mood: ok
:: Music: Joe Millionaire
Stuff...
Things aren’t really getting better. Not at all. I really don’t know how I will make it through the next 4 years. I’m really sick of being treated like I’m an idiot.
“Is that on your diet?” my mom says as I eat a brownie that’s not even the size of my fist.
Ok first of all, I DON’T criticize what she eats. And second of all 5 minutes later she came out with a big ass chunk of cake. I’m talkin big ass. Then she tries to make conversation out of the weather when I’m pissed off. She always tries to make convo because she knows we have nothing to talk about. Then don’t get me started on her know it all attitude. Don’t argue even in you’re right. just don’t even bother to argue. She’ll have the last word. I hate my mom. I hate her I hate her I hate her. I’d kill her if I could.
Then my sister..I forget that shes 17. She doesn’t act anything like it. I think she will tell on me for the rest of my life. I also don’t even understand her. She cant keep friends and I see why. Shes a manipulative bipolar freak. She acts like she doesn’t care about anything too lazy. She never wants to do anything or go anywhere. I’m seriously like going to cry right now. I cant explain why. I’m irritated annoyed and just sick of everything. None of this use to bug me that much before. I hate everything I cant deal with it. I’m too weak. I think I have come up with a plan. Something not too drastic but it will benefit me while also acting as a cry for help. Its about time someone will god down pay attention for more than just 10 minutes to my life. I’m just wondering how much more I can take..how much longer it will take until I break. I can feel it. After taking a hot shower and doing my hair I’ve come up with a conclusion. I have a problem identifying my issues and dealing with them. I’ve come up with another plan. I want/need to spend a lot of time getting to know myself. I’ve considered going selectively mute. And to talk only when I have to. I want to spend more time being observant. I want to also spend time getting to know other people instead of sticking with one or two. I did that and me Megan and it came with consequences but over all it was worth it because I got to meet a really good person who is similar to me and she laughs a lot and makes me happy. I want to get to know Amanda, kally, Theresa, carina, Lindsey, and Krystal a lot better also. I need to make more good friends. I quit. I don’t want to write anymore. Too much drama for one night. Things can be a lot better and a lot different if I make them that way. I don’t know where anything stands right now. I don’t really care anymore.
2 *KiSses |
Blow me a... |
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2003 2 February :: 11.05 am
:: Mood: whatever
Woah...am I dead? Cant....feel...brain....numb...toes...cold...lol
Eh...fook. I'm tired. My stomach and ribs still hurrt. Not as bad as yesterday though. I hate muffins as of now..my mom bought some nasty ass muffins that taste like poo.
We are under a winter storm warning.
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WINTER STORM WATCH FOR LATE TONIGHT
THROUGH MONDAY NIGHT
Urgent - Winter Weather Message National Weather Service Grand Rapids MI 533 AM EST Sun Feb 2 2003
1700 - Allegan - Clinton - Gratiot - Ionia - Kent - Montcalm - Muskegon - Ottawa - Including The Cities Of... Stanton... St. Johns... Muskegon... Ionia... Holland... Grand Rapids... Alma And Allegan
... Winter Storm Watch For Late Tonight Through Monday Night...
A Winter Storm Watch Is In Effect From Late Tonight Through Monday Night. A Wintry Mix Of Snow... Freezing Rain... And Sleet Is Expected To Develop Late Tonight And Continue Through The Day On Monday. The Precipitation Will Change To All Snow Monday Night With Total Snowfall Accumulations Of 3 To 6 Inches Possible By Tuesday Morning. Ice Accumulation May Exceed One Tenth Of An Inch.
Remember... A Winter Storm Watch Means Conditions Are Favorable For Hazardous Winter Weather In And Close To The Watch Area. Travel Could Become Difficult... As There Is A Potential For Significant Snow And/Or Ice Accumulations. People Living In Or Planning To Travel Through The Watch Area... Should Monitor The Latest Forecasts.
*---
Schwweeettt!
I think i'm going to take an early shower..I'm feelin a tad bit skanky.
Blow me a... |
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2003 1 February :: 8.33 pm
:: Mood: ok
Quizes
your bitch.
What swear word are you?
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YOU HAVE BREAST IMPLANTS!!!
what's YOUR deepest secret?
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LMAO OMG!!
Nerdslut
What's your sexual appeal?
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Blow me a... |
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2003 1 February :: 7.23 pm
:: Mood: Weird...
:: Music: Mary J. Blige- I'm going down
Lots of stuff....
Time on my head .. since you've been away boy.. i aint got no plans no no no no..and the sound of the rain against my window pain is slowly slowly driving me insane...Boy..i'm going down...i'm going down... cuz you aint around..baby..my whole worlds up side down
sleep dont come easy boy please beleive me since you've been gone everythings going wrong.....
I like this song....very pretty and full of soul. I suggest you download it. Its an oldie, but it rocks and pays off if you're in a sad/sappy mood.
Last night was basicly ruined..my mom ruined it of course...nothing new. I have so much to worry about..school...frieds..home...keepin my grades up or i'll seriously get a kick in the ass. God...If i get any bad grades..my mom freaks when i get a B, I get the internet taken away. Just the way she says it its just..different..it tears you apart.
I went in my room to be alone and write. I turned the radio on and just blew everything out on paper...I dont know if I'll type the entry out or not...I'm tired of being unhappy and I think that rereading what i wrote from last night will make me think about it and feel angry again. So anyways I went in my room to be alone then my sister comes in my room, sits on my bed, then turns on the tv. Then she has the nerve to ask me to turn off the radio. Then she starts snooping through my personal boxes! (I have shoe boxes that are personally painted and i keep photos and old stuff in there for sentemental reasons and its great...i like that) So I just blew up on her.
"Ashley! LEAVE NOW! The reason why I came in here was to be ALONE! LEAVE!"
I felt like the biggest bitch but I needed her out..I think if I waited any longer I would have gone balistic.
I was grounded off the internet lastnight..I forgot to mention that. Because I left the towels in the washer and didnt put them in the dryer. I know..totally rediculous I know. That was right after the whole "Id be worried if I were you" speech from my mom. So naturally I was jus so pissed. After my sister left I started crying. Everything is just such a big mess right now.. Nothing seems right anymore.. People get mad at me...then my buisness is spread and I have other friends walking up to me telling me that so and so is mad at me asking why and why arent you talking to her blah blah blah... I dont need that shit..I give up. Nothings worth fighting for if it tears you up inside and I'm done with it for now. What happens will happen. Home is a whole nother story. God I've complained about it but really havent explained much of it and I dont really want to because then I'll start crying (i'm already on the verge) and then my sister will be in my face asking whats wrong. As sincer as she means, she is annoying and never really tries to help. I'll never forget what happened this summer when I had a break down and just was seriously balling my eyes out at the beginning of my depression and having no one to talk to and my sister cried with me. I think in some way it made us a little closer but not much. I cant think about that without thinking abotu what happend after...Me trying to confied in my mom and talk to her about how I felt and her getting in defence mode and yelling at me and not understanding me. Now I'm crying.. I shouldnt have gone into it. But i'll just leave it at this..theres alot of shit...ALOT that I havent told anyone ever...not even my best friend at the time. I dont think I'll ever talk about it..I just hope it will go away and everything will be the way it was before...even though I'm starting to think it never will.
No one would have guessed that I'm a basket case full of emotion lol...well.. i am... I cry practicly everyday lol.. One thing i've told my self is never to cry in public or at school..it would be terrible because I dont think I'd stop crying.
I have only cried once in public... a couple weeks ago.. I just was having a bad day...Corey McCan, Aaron Lindsley, and MacKenzie Mcormack (god i'm probably murdering their names i cant spell) Asked me what was wrong on the bus.. I wasnt crying or anything.. I didnt think it showed that much...i replied "Nothing..I'm fine" but I knew they could see it and my eyes just got wattery and MacKenzie said "aww honey whats wrong...whatever it is dont worry about it." I've always thought that she was conceided but at that moment I felt kindof releived..No one has ever showed so much concern for me especially when they dont know me...no one has. And Corey tried to lighten me up by saying "What'd your sister do this time..she been givin you shit...I should know she does it to me all the time" He doesnt even know my sister. I had to turn my head after that though because the evidence of tears trickling down my face were probably more obvious than my facial expression of not having a good day.
I've turned a perfectly good entry into sadness.. i hope i dont make anyone cry lol.
My cat has come to greet me now..He knows I'm sad by the look he gave me..Im out.
4 *KiSses |
Blow me a... |
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2003 31 January :: 5.12 pm
:: Mood: ok
:: Music: Drift and Die- Puddle of Mudd
Nodda
Noffin really much has happenedin the last few hours.. lol I have subway for dinna
Blow me a... |
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2003 31 January :: 11.56 am
:: Mood: Fine
:: Music: none
At school
Yo, I'm in Language arts right now. Its writing time so I asked if i could go in the Speech and Drama room again. I was going to take a nap but then I saw this computer sitting here all alone. hehe. Dont worry I have back ups if someone comes in here and catches me on the computer. Today has been a shit day. Just boring i guess. I guess it is over for now atleast I dont really care..not my problem anymore I'll survive. I'm debating weather i should get off and take a nap or stay on..I'll have to think about this one. I'll be on tonight..I;m going to go.
Blow me a... |
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2003 30 January :: 6.50 pm
:: Mood: ok
Survey stolen from aries journal
. First Name: Amy
2. Were you named after anyone?: No clue..
3. Do you wish on stars?: Yes, whenever i see the biggest star i'm sure to wish on it.
4. Which finger is your favorite?: All my fingers...they can pick up a sub :-D
5. Do you like anyone right now?: Yep
6. Do you like your handwriting? Sometimes but the more i write the worse it gets lol
7. What is your favorite lunch meat? I'm not a big lunch meat person.. I pick pb&j any time
8. Any bad habits? Bighting my nails, doing weird things like when i'm nervous.like shaking, shivvering uncontrolibly when i'm cold, picking my food apart, picking things apart.
9. What is your most embarrassing CD on the shelf?: Well..I havent listened to a cd in yearrssss! But i think like hanson and the spice girls LOL!
10. If you were another person, would you be friends WITH you?: I donno..what if i won a million dollars...what ifs dont occur to me lol
11. Are you a daredevil?: occasionally
12. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell?: Eh, yeah occasionlly.
13. Do looks matter?: Some what..I havent always been attracked to looks right off the bat.
14. Have you ever misused a word and it sounded absolutely stupid?: Yes.
15. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?: I sure do hope so
16. Do fish have feelings?: sure..just like kittens.
17. Are you trendy?: I wear trendy clothes but not because everyone else does i just pick what I like to wear.
18. How do you release anger?: Crying and wriiting....
19. Where are your second homes?: no where
20. Do you trust others easily?: No. No one has ever really been truely faithful to me.
21. What was your favorite toy as a child?: Stuffed animals
22. What class in school do you think is totally useless? L.A. I sleep in there
23. Do you like sappy love songs?: not really
24. Have you ever been on radio or television?:Uhh maybe sometime in ele. school i think
25. Do you have a journal?: Yes.
26. Do you use sarcasm a lot?: depends on the situation
27. Have you ever been in a mosh pit?: Yes ;)
28. What do you look for in a guy/girl?: Nice ass, nice hair, cute face, good sence of humor..gotta make me laugh.... they just have to make me feel good.
29. What are your nicknames?: Amay and Amy Chan, then there are some older ones like Christina and Amyton..dont ask...i dont know.
30. Would you bungee jump?: Yes!!!! I plan to do that with a bunch of friends on my 18th birthday.
31. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?: No i slip them off.
32. What are you worried about right now? Tests tomorrow and the current situation i'm in.
33. Do you ever wear overalls?: no
34. Do you think that you are strong?: Yes..sometimes.
35. What's your favorite ice cream flavor?: Chocolate Chip Cookie dough!
36. What's your favorite colors?: Pink and black...blue ...eh..green sometimes.
37. What is your least fav. thing in the world?: People who dont understand and jealousy.
38. How many wisdom teeth do you have?: 4?
39. Are you in love w/ anyone?: I wouldnt say inlove.. just inlike
40. How many people have a crush on you right now?: I have my eye on some people but only one has my undivided attention.
41. Who do you miss most right now?: no one
42. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back?: comment!
43.Your favorite Song right now?: Puddle of Mudd- Control.
44. When did you last cry?: uhh maybe last week.. i dont remember.
Blow me a... |
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2003 30 January :: 6.39 pm
:: Mood: ok..just ok
:: Music: none
No subject fits this really?
Today was ok. This week has gone by really fast. I don’t have much to worry about I think that’s why it feels that way. I have to study tonight for a US History test about the constitution. God..its so hard.. she said its mainly fill in the blank. That’s hard lol. I’ll just have to study good. I also have to study for a computer test. That should be kind of easy though because computer is easy but some of the vocab is tricky. Well…..My week has overall been pretty ok but it’s had it shares of uncommon ups and downs and who knows what I’m in store for next but I really don’t give a shit about it anymore. I’m sick of it. I’ll probably go to champion tomorrow after school, abu and kyle are most likely to be there. I really didn’t get a chance to hang out with them much on Tuesday because I was with Emily. But its all good lol. I cant wait until this weekend. I’ll probably just bum around and my sister and I might go see When Darkness Falls. The chances of that actually happening are like 1 in a million. Shes lazy I know she’ll pull out at the last minute because she doesn’t feel like going..that always happens. Oh well I guess.. I just want to stay in my pjs all weekend and catch up on Zz’s. OMG today in L.A. it was so awesome. Lindsey and I went into the speech and drama room and Ian was way ahead of us and already sleeping lol..So I made a little bed with the pillows and got a nice warm blanket and took a half hour nap while Lindsey wrote a note. I was so comfortable and warm I didn’t want to get up. I woke up and forgot where I was lol…I was so comfy I was drooling almost lol. It was really nice… I hope we get to do that tomorrow …you don’t even realize how AWESOME THAT WOULD BE! 4th hour is always my sleeping class. When we would read The Two Towers I’d always pass out at my desk LOL! I couldn’t help it! That tape recorder was hypnotizing. Surprisingly I have an A in there too! I’m kindof looking forward to making a dialog story up inspired by music. It sounds kindof interesting.. I like doing that. I’m a good writer.. well..that’s what I think lol. I’m so exhausted. I’ll probably go to bed early tonight I don’t think there’s anything important on tv. I could have sworn today was Friday. Oh well.. one more day wont hurt. One more day…one more day.. .I can do it. I need to get some good gym clothes. I have enough pants and I have like a life supply of wife beaters but I get sick of wearing those lol. “I love the way you smack my ass”- “Puddle of Mudd” That’s my favorite lyric. I think I might burn their cd. I love their music.. its so full of hate and like good beat. Its perfect for my moods. Jammin man! Don’t make me break out the air guitar. I really want to learn how to play the guitar that would be schweet. Once again..i’m starting to fall asleep. I know I can atleast stay up till 9 that’s my deadline lol. Or I’ll go for 10. I stayed up till like 11 last night.. I just had to see crib crashers but I was half awake through out it. I’ll just have to catch it on the weekend. Everything seems ok right now, I feel fine, I don’t have many worries, nothing much is bugging me. Overall I am fine at the moment. Who knows how everythings going to turn out with this whole situation I’m in…frankly (ha I said frankly and that reminds me of hot dogs) .. I don’t care much about it anymore.. what happens will happen… oh well. I’ve been getting migraines lately. I think its just stress.
Things looking forward to:
-Getting tomorrow over with
-sleeping all weekend
-going to champion possibly
Blow me a... |
::
2003 29 January :: 7.47 pm
:: Mood: amused
Mixed topics
Well, my day was ok I guessing? I surprised I made it though. I thought I’d be a goner for sure when I started doing ultra key in computer class. When I got home I grabbed a snack they headed to my room with my kitty to watch boy meets world. I eventually passed out into a 3 hr nap…well, more like a 3 hr coma to be honest with you. I was half awake and heard the word “fries” and I sprang for the kitchen to see that my dad must have done something to the Italian pasta linguini so he had gotten mcdonalds. So I chowed down my McChicken sammich and left the fries for my dad.. I never eat the fries. (can you say stalleeeee!!) I hate stale fries. So now I sit to type here and I’m interrupted by my mom yelling to ask me if I had cleaned the kitchen yet or the bathroom..Ofcourse I hadn’t…which is a real CLOSE call because If I forget to clean the bathroom or kitchen on my night I will get grounded for a week. Whole fuckin week just for that. Stupid…Stupid stupid stupid. So I finally get done cleaning the kitchen and bathroom and start typing this complaint/entry again and the phone rings and she says “Amy can you get that?”. Um ok.. I’m in the basement…I’ll say that again….the basement.. Shes in the recliner right next to the phone. And I thought I was lazy. She always does that. She now expects us to do her…yes her laundry now. I refuse of course but I don’t know how long that will last until I’m forced to do that. If anyone thinks they have it tougher than me, I’ll challenge you on that.. You be Amy for a day and see if you can take it! I can take it but there isn’t a day that I don’t mumble ancient roman curses of hate at her hoping she will loose a limb or disappear for a couple days and have amnesia and be convince that I’m the queen of England. That would be wonderful. So I did have a little nice part to my day.. I walked down to the basement and smelt the new air fresheners my dad got. They smell like that real waxy strawberry chap stick that I use to use when I was little by bonnebell. I love that smell. So anyways, I was in the bathroom sitting on the toilet..not going the bathroom lol.. I was painting my nails and my mom was doing her hair and she tries to make convo bout something I have no clue but its obviously shes trying to make some sort of conversation which totally flew over my head. I’m past that. I don’t even want to be her friend its not worth it… Once again I’m interrupted by my mom asking if I cleaned the kitchen and bathroom yet…and the assy way she said it like I’m lying. I told her yes! And she asked why she saw a bag on the counter then and I ran upstairs threw it away and ran back down. I don’t see a sign on my ass that says “for hire” do you? God she’d kill me if I said that to her. She acts like we disrespect her and we are horrible children from hell. Ok…don’t even get me started on that.. Shes the evil one from hell okay. She needs anger management classes and some parenting classes. Shes so old and bitter at the world. Gawd what is her problem. She obviously takes it out on us. And I think if it wasn’t for my sister and I my dad would be loongg gone. That’s sad to say but I think its true …he gets mad at her and sides with us a lot more. And then my mom always talks about him and disses him behind his back to us like shes trying to turn us against him. I don’t want to hear what she has to say..no matter what I’ll always favor my dad over her any day! The only think I can truly say I like about my mom is the fact that she gives me money to go shopping. That’s about it. Mrs.Banfield was talking about the relay for life and about cancer and stuff. It reminded me of my Aunt Connie who had died of cancer when I was about two. I never really got to meet her. My mom is such a bitch she sits there and still complains about how rude she was.. she’s dead…passed away and she has nerve to talk about her like that. She really has to have nerve to do that. And it’s a sad story too. My cousin Becky, who is seriously my role model she’s so cool, was really badly affected by her death. why wouldn’t she be..it was her mom who she loved and lost about when she was my age.. Try growing up without a motherly figure. It would be hard. So anyways 12 years later shes still obviously effected by her mothers death and she need therapy really bad and I think she still does. Shes done a lot of cool things like karate and she’s really good at art, I think I get my artistic side from the Baird family. She also can play the piano and the guitar. She use to have her eyebrow pierced but she got it taken out because she was afraid of hitting it lol. But shes done some things and made some bad choices and I think that people don’t understand her situation.. I couldn’t even imagine me being in the situation and how I’d deal with it. My mom always talks about how shes terrible. My mom shouldn’t talk shit like that about the family. That’s terrible. We never see the baird family much.. I think which is my moms fault because she always manages to get in fights with my grandma or whatever. My mom is one nasty bitch. The more I think about how she talks about family the more I hate her for it. Shes beyond rude.. its utterly terrible. She talks that way about her own sister too. I actually love my aunts/my moms sisters they are so cool. I hate how people talk about always having another place that they consider home.. I hate that I don’t have anywhere else to call home. I wish I did. Man I’ve been through so much shit I’m surprised I’m still here today. I think I’m going to go on with life with a partially I don’t give a shit attitude I’m sick of shit. Someone does/says something to me I’m never going to take it to heart unless its those 3 lovely words lol. Speaking of those three lovely words- I always get this feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I’m with my north guy friends. They are so nice and they make me feel so good..they have so much respect for me. They make me laugh like hell. It feels really good to be with people like them. I’m not saying I’m inlove with any of them lol I love all of them as friends they have acted more interested in me as a person more then anyone else lately. I’m glad I’ve kindof became more friends with Theresa. I love Theresa. I really want to get to know her better and I need to stop being an ass and talk more. Carinna has been gone for a couple days. I miss her. We’ve also gotten closer over the months. See Amy opening your self up is good.. you get to know people better and I want to continue getting to know people better. WOW I’ve typed a lot. (lmao!! Jessie, monsta typa hands that leave little round bruises on you.) Surprisingly its only taken me about 10 mins to type all this. **starts singing* “Now I’m going to do this thang like it aint been done before never lead the game stranded I had to give more”… Eve- Satisfaction.. it has a schweet beat to it. My favorite song of the moment that I constantly sing in my head is Bowling for Soup- Girl all the bad guys want. That’s also a schweet song. I like the lyrics. I could play a mean air guitar to that song. SCHWEET! Haha. BUT SHE’LL NEVER NOTICE ME …CUZ SHES WATCHIN WRESTLINGGG! YEAH! Lol I know the rest but I’ll spare you. OO! I finally found a topic that I could talk about- Bus guy convos. I seriously could write a book explaining the minds of teenage guys. They spend their time talking about “jiz” and talking about their dicks and other peoples dicks and dildos. They also like to discuss how much it would cost for the other one to buy downloaded burned porn dvds from the other guy . One of the guys said that most of their college money is going toward porn. (You guys are luck I am not using your names) Then they discuss money and how they would buy hookers and that they know of some girls phone numbers that are hookers and start reciting phone numbers of girls at school…one of them is a girl I know and I’m thinking weather I should tell her or not…it might make her feel bad so I guess not. But although I would like her to know what kind of PIGS they are. They they like to ask you questions like if you’ve had a yeast infection or if size really does matter. Ofcourse I answer sarcastically. They aint getting my opinion out of me on anything... I aint no ones guanine pig. Gawd who do they think they are….They aren’t hot and they aint getting any tail soon so I’d keep dreaming if I were them. How I’d love to continue this wonderful conversation.. I have shit to do…finish my essay that was due like last Thursday but that’s ok because I was sick and she doesn’t really care and I HAVE and A in that class anyways so it doesn’t phase me one bit. I wish I was a perfectionist. I need to start working on that.. If I want to go to higher places I need to start payin some attention.
I’m so out of here lol.
LATER- Amy… (lmao arie on our math meap they used the name chan! I STARTED CRACKING UP!!)
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2003 28 January :: 6.01 pm
:: Mood: disappointed
When will all this shit end!
I HATE FEELING LIKE ITS ALLL MY FALT..JUST ALL ME...I'M THE WHOLE PROBLEM...THIS IS BULLSHIT.. I DONT CARE IF HE OR SHE HAS HER/HIS OWN PROBLEMS TO DIG THROUGH BUT YOU DO NOT TREAT SOMEONE THAT WAY JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE JEALOUS.
Someone#2: i thik u have some decisions to make... i have some things to deal with....maybe even some wrongs to right, and untill you and I can do hose things then..... i jsut dont know
c r az e e baby4: I have already made my decisions
Someone#2: oh yea...and whats that?
c r az e e baby4: I'm going to loosen up and not care what other people think of me for the benefit of me.
Someone#2: thats it? u think that'll fix everything?
c r az e e baby4: I'm fine now...
Someone#2: well good for you
c r az e e baby4: I'm not going to deal with negativity.....I'm going to be me....and I want to make new friends and see whats out there for me. I'm not saying i'm dumping my friends.. Our group will stay the way it is..I've met so many new people this year and its great. I love my friend at east
Someone#2: i gtg..im not gonna listen to this
Someone#2: good bye
c r az e e baby4:I quit..I'm not going to keep trying to be your friend. I like being your friend but this isnt all me...no i'm not the only one causing the problems.. I you sort through what you want.. i'll be waiting
Someone#2:no u wont..u'll be with ur north friends...or with **** or ****
Someone#2: not waiting
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I'm sry if i have been a bitch in anyway but whats even bitchier is jealousy. Just because I have other friends doesnt mean I'm going to leave my other ones...This is stupid i shouldnt go through this... If they were truely my friend he'd/she'd understand. No one else feels the way they do.. GET A HINT.
I dont care if I've lost a good friend. I hate going through this like every day. tHIS IS SO GOD DAMN STUPID...I'M NOT GOING TO BE PUT THROUGH IT JUST BECAUSE I'M MEETING NEW PEOPLE AND STARTING TO FIND MORE NEW FRIENDS...forget you...dont bring me down ok.. I may have done that to you but you've been so caught up in other things i dont know where your head is. I'm done.
3 *KiSses |
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2003 28 January :: 5.24 pm
:: Mood: amused
Today.
Today I was so nervous to go down to champion after school to see my old friends lol...It was weird I got there and I saw Emily. We ran around the track acouple times and I'm surprisingly faster than her..(she wont admit that yet lmao i'm kiddin emily just incase your reading this) Yeah so anyways I was getting my smoothie with em and Allen was up to the table...lol this is exactly how it was...I look over at him staring at me we both turn our heads....he looks over at me and i turn to look at him...we both turn our heads lol. He was too shy to talk ofcourse....ahah Allen was always a good guy friend.. I swear he has the personality of a girl its so awesome! lol. Yeah abu and I didnt talk much becasue he saw that I was in the middle of reminising about the past and like seeing my best friend for the first time in like 3 years. but just seeing him is just funny in itself lol. He can just smile and I'll start cracking up. Kyle gave me a high five..I usually would expect that more from Abu lol. Yeaah.. so we finally got our smoothies and em and I sat on the comfy chairs and talked about Kyle and other people....Shh..cant tell ne details LOL! We pretty much got caught up and had a blast. I miss emily lol. We are definitly going to hang out LOTS more again. SHES the best. I cant believe Allen was soo shy! lol it was cute though. His friend was alittle scary. I met Samarah- Shes really cool, I could see us all hanging out next year. NEXT YEAR IS GOING TO BE SO FREAKING AWESOME!! OMG!!!!! All the guys at north a cute and nice!
SOMEONE: hello amy are u talking with your friends from north
c r az e e baby4: sry i'm doing homework
I cant even do homework without someone saying something....I dont care if they were joking...I've beenensitvie about that subject ever since..
I hate jealousy
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