Everything

I cant believe how stupid I’ve been. I haven’t cared about anything.. friends…homework …grades.. all I want to do is go home and get the sick madness over with. My mom got me stress pills…I haven’t taken a single one. I should…or maybe I shouldn’t. I don’t think an over the counter medication is going to fix me. I’ve lost everything…..feeling…caring.. weight…and my best friend. Its all my fault and I have no one to blame but myself. I feel like its gone forever. God damnit

I’ve fucked myself..and this time I didn’t enjoy it (hahah that was a good one..yet gross…hhaha)

I’ve let myself get sucked into what everyone else has wanted me to be. I’ve never been 100% me. The me that runs around screaming madly and laughin..just making a fool out of my self and having fun. Why cant I be like that all the time? I wish I could … I’d make a lot more friends that way. This morning I was late to school so ofcourse I missed something…Something about Zach leaving our group? He better not. I like zach a lot hes the kind of person who makes me think differently before I talk and I cant figure out why. I don’t even know the guy as much as everyone else.. I want to see him be a chatter box and to laugh up a storm. If hes on tonight I’m gonna ask him if he wants to go to champion sometime and just hang..maybe play some bball. I think he could use some quiet time just having fun..Plus I can introduce him to some guys I know from north. I know muah guys will make him laugh for sure.

After school when I go to champion I always feel like I can be myself with them. I don’t feel pressured or embarrassed. I just feel normal. I can tell them the stupidest story and they still laugh. It makes me feel good that they appreciate me. I appreciate them very much. I wish there were more of them…like they multiplied over night lol. They are just cool guys who understand me and never have to question my motives because they know I’m there to chill and just hangout. I love them for all they are worth… I’m glad I’ll be seeing lots of them next year.

Nothing can describe everything that’s on my mind.

All time high: - a little less than 11 ibs off this body. Good job Amy you deserve the skinny award for the day.

I love Champion…don’t worry Theresa… there wont be any competition between my love for you and champion.. We must discuss our plan further.


Follow up to my Mixed Vibes entry.. I was wrong.. Things cant be better.

AHH! MEGAN I JUST SAW THE WET DUCK COMERCIAL!!




Underground Insecurities

There isn’t and ending
To what I feel
The emotions that
Crawl inside me
No room for heart
I’m not ok.
I’m not ok.
Even if I say I’m fine
I’m not ok

Filled with doubts
Worried
About what may happen
In the future of this all
Even if I do
Fight this battle
There will always
Be sorrows lurking
Waiting on my every move
To suck what’s left of me
Pain.


clown hat curly hair smiley face
<@:-) LMAO cartman from south park

I'm starting to scare myself.. I actually have feeling haha,

Ugh!
God...my mom is such a bitch. She sits there and starts yelling at us because my sister and I both left the dishes to do when we got back from school because we've been busy studying for exams...So she goes "well.. you girls dont get in the habbit of this "not cleaning" stuff" WTF? it was one DAMN night! Big fuckin deal! I cleaned the dishes as soon as I got home. Whats the dilema?! god..Sometiems.. ugh I just want to HURT her. Its not even funny.
-------different subject----
God she just doesnt know how to act sometimes..she gets really strange where it makes me wonder... its annoying. she doesnt realize that sometimes she needs to watch what she says and how she says it.
--different subject----
I plan to go to champion tomorrow after school to see abu maybe. Abu rocks. GUIDING THE WILLY WONKA! Kyle will probably be there too and make me kiss wilson..lol..damn WILSON GIVIN ME HERPES! Fun times I cant wait until next year. Abu offered to be my side kick. This might be an advantage lol.
--
I'm talking to kally now.
c r az e e baby4: are you laughing
Kblaurent: i got smiles

that doesnt even make sense lol Kally always laughs because shes on a natural high 24/7.

Mixed Vibes.
Maybe he wasnt the great person I thought he was? I mean.. Hes nice and really funny and makes me happy but...He's being kindof distant towards me. Or maybe I'm just over reacting..things cant be as picture perfect as I want them to be. I went to champion after school today and saw Kyle, Abu, and Austin. Austin looks the same lol. I watched abu and kyle play football with Wilson...them wanted me to kiss wilson and go out with him..but I wouldnt lol..there for wilson doesnt like me anymore. Then abu and I started just shootin hoops..it was pretty fun. Abu game me some tips lol. Abu is so cool and funny. Hes so nice and just all around cool...We need more abu's out there. Well...thats bout it. I need to finish my notecard for science.

None
Today was a shitty day. I wanted to go shopping despritly because my mom didnt get me anything basicly for shopping so..I wanted to get some jeans and some shirts. I mean she got me stuff for christmas but she mainly got me pajamas because thats all she thinks I ever do is sleep...thats rude. She didnt even get me like 1 thing I wanted. Anyways NO one would take me.. My sister is too lazy. My mom has no excuse..she spent the whole day online. My Dad is too impatient to go shopping. I'm begging my mom to take me tomorrow then we can go grocery shopping after. She has no reason why she cant take me other than shes a bitch. I think she read something that I might have wrote on paper to go in my journal..being the fuckin snoop that she is. I was eating a mini chicken pot pie and my mom said something.."Ashley would never be able to go anorexic or belemic" But the way she said it...like the smart ass way she said it she had to have read something..Plus she tells me that i have to watch what I say when shes sitting her like cruely making fun of her own daughters. Shes such an ass and I will never want to have a relationship with her when I'm out of the house. I despritly want to get out and I think she knows that. Bitch..god I cant believe her lately..whats her problem..its like she tries to make me feel bad intentionally. I dont want to get into it right now or else I'll start crying and my sisters down here and shes not very understanding when I cry..she just looks at me and tells my mom I'm crying and I dont need my mom in my face right now asking whats wrong because if I ever told her how I felt she'd slap me. And the fact if she ever seriously was going through the history or something and found the link to my journal and read everything I'd be happy but I know i'd be asking for something...If she almost punched me for not changing the kitty litter when she told me to..I'd hate to think what'd she do.

None
Today was a shitty day. I wanted to go shopping despritly because my mom didnt get me anything basicly for shopping so..I wanted to get some jeans and some shirts. I mean she got me stuff for christmas but she mainly got me pajamas because thats all she thinks I ever do is sleep...thats rude. She didnt even get me like 1 thing I wanted. Anyways NO one would take me.. My sister is too lazy. My mom has no excuse..she spent the whole day online. My Dad is too impatient to go shopping. I'm begging my mom to take me tomorrow then we can go grocery shopping after. She has no reason why she cant take me other than shes a bitch. I think she read something that I might have wrote on paper to go in my journal..being the fuckin snoop that she is. I was eating a mini chicken pot pie and my mom said something.."Ashley would never be able to go anorexic or belemic" But the way she said it...like the smart ass way she said it she had to have read something..Plus she tells me that i have to watch what I say when shes sitting her like cruely making fun of her own daughters. Shes such an ass and I will never want to have a relationship with her when I'm out of the house. I despritly want to get out and I think she knows that. Bitch..god I cant believe her lately..whats her problem..its like she tries to make me feel bad intentionally. I dont want to get into it right now or else I'll start crying and my sisters down here and shes not very understanding when I cry..she just looks at me and tells my mom I'm crying and I dont need my mom in my face right now asking whats wrong because if I ever told her how I felt she'd slap me. And the fact if she ever seriously was going through the history or something and found the link to my journal and read everything I'd be happy but I know i'd be asking for something...If she almost punched me for not changing the kitty litter when she told me to..I'd hate to think what'd she do.

untitled

yesterday- School sucked as usual. I went to champion after school. I was about to leave but kyle told me to stay and Abu ran into one of the instructors rooms and scared the guy and Kyle and I were trying to pay abu to go back in there and start all dancing and stuff lol. But the guy left his little room and I had to go so I probably missed it! DAMN. Overall it was funny...Abu Rocks.

Today was a pretty ok day. Gym was actually fun. It was free day and we got to do whatever. I was starting to play volleyball with sheely and Amanda but I went and shot some hoops with dannie instead. I really like her, shes a funny person. After gym I had sewing and I was nervous because I have to have my sweatshirt done soon and it soo hard but I walked in and I was hurrying trying to get all my stuff out and setting up my machine and Mrs. Cordes said "Amy.." then continued but in my frame of mind I thought she was going to yell at me because i dont have my hoodie even close to being done but...she continued: "Amy your looking good have you lost weight?" and I said "Yeah 10 ibs your the only one who has said ne thing" and she said "Well I notice right away your looking good" then continued to blabber on about something bout her husband and scales.. I just thought like..wow...I really liked that. My diet is not going to end ..I'm happy people are noticing results. I'm in my happy place for today atleast.

Good day..right after school ended.
Why do I feel so comfortable with myself when I’m with him? Everything seems like it should be…Happy. I hope to make a very good friend out of this.

none
I dont know whats wrong with me. I almost started crying in public for like the first time. I am crying now. I want so much just for my mom to love me or atleast show that she cares. It has taken me a long time but I think I'm ready to say it.. I dont love my mom. And I'm not just saying that I'm dead serious. Shes not a bump in the road of my life...shes more of a large pot hole that takes up my whole road. She just constantly makes me thinkg i'm dirt. I've lost 8 pounds...part of dieting/not eating/exercising. I asked her if I lost alot of weight if I could get new clothes and she said: "I'll believe it when I see it". She doesnt know big loosing weight is a priority to me. What I ate today: stir fry chineese for dinner thats it. I reallly want to make myself perfect call it anorexic if you will. Call it depression too. I've thought about how it would be if i wernt here...many times. I'm not loved. Thats all I want ...to be loved and to be susscessful..I dont want to be alone.. I'd go crazy if I was alone.

Recap
Heres a recap of Fri-today.

Friday I went to krystals party full of doubt and kindof hoping that everything would go smoothly. Theresa and Lindsey didnt show up..I think everyone was alittle dissapointed and it set the tone for the night. Carinna and I really need to become better friends. I spent most of the night with her. She truely is a beautiful person and I dont get why most people dont see through to that. When I first met carinna in like 7th grade I didnt really know what to think but now everything is clear to me. Note to self: Try to make carinna my new best friend lol. There was alot of tension at the party... I dont think that everyone hates eachother there I just think that when you kindof force people to talk to one another...the conversation....well....I dont know... We played truth or dare and I thought it was pretty gay..I mean ...who ever thought of playing that.....You can get by with playing truth or dare without someone feeling pressured, annoyed, or hurt...Well maybe not everyone. I didnt have any beef with it. Zach got his ear pierced and I saw his eyes get watery..that counts damn you..you owe me 50$ lol. I think I talked more than I usually would have. I did get annoyed with only one person..I dont really hang out with them at all really.. I think she hates me for some reason but i dont really care. Krystal was nice to invite me. I likedthe party actually. I knew the party didnt go as well as she planned but I hope she still had a good time. Zach talked more than usual and I liked that. I never get to talk to Zach much. Hes a good person that carries around a knife. lol. Rob and I talked more than usual I guess. There are things that I wish I wouldnt have said out of desperation that I wish I could take back so there wouldnt be even more tension. Over all it was a good night i enjoyed it even without lindsey and theresa.
note to self: not to be so clingy and meet new people.

Saturday flew by fast and I just basicly ate slept and drank.

Today was gay and went fast. I didnt eat dinner I took a shower during that time instead. I will have to go and get myself a piece of turtle pie though..mmmm...Soo good. Well....This vacation has been well enjoyed. I WISH i could relive it all over again..Just as long as i didnt have to go to school tomorrow...lol. Terry Debor said we might have freezing rain tomorrow moring...2 hr. delay would be lovely or a snow day for that matter.

None
Yeah today was pretty ok. I woke up and my dad got my favorite donuts, went to funcoland to look for video games lol, and then went to champion and saw some people from school there. Carinna..guess who i sawww..Mr.Sexypants....you know who i'm talkin bout lol. Yeah I didnt even know he joined champion. Tomorrow I have a party to go to which will be super fun. I cant wait! :-D I drove to champion with my sister...well (my sister drove). And my mom was just finishing up her machines I guess she left like a couple hours before us. I was in the locker room gettin my stuff because i finished my cardio and my machines and my mom was all asking ashley if I did my machines or not and sittin there saying that I didnt do my machines. What a fucker. Its so stupid. She seriously cant even control her own life so she controls my sisters and mine. She like makes me go to champion. I LIKE CHAMPION! I should be able to choose what days I want to go it shouldnt fuckin matter. And this whole thing I'm blabbering on about is so fuckin stupid but shes so ANNOYING. Then when i was doing the dishes tonight (dishes that i didnt even use because i didnt eat dinner yet i still have to do them) and she all came in the living room and was talking about how we need to respect her and watch what we say to her and that shes mad that we act embarassed to be in public with her "after all the things shes done for us like taking us places" Then her voice was like shakey and her eyes were watery. Then she started talking about somethin else and was fine. FUCKIN CROCODILE TEARS...If she was trying to make us feel bad...that blew right over my head. Ok number one....I see other peoples moms taking them places and not even complaning about it. My mom hasnt even taken me anywhere lately! Plus there she goes again...I told you she only does nice things so that she can say :"look at all the stuff i do for you guys" when really she doesnt do much. GOD!

Happy N.Y.
acomplishments of the day:

-Mending the wounds of a good friendship
-Finishing off a bottle of non-alcohalic sparkling grape juice
-managing to get drunk off that bottle of non-alcohalic sparkling grape juice
-Finding out the real name of legolas and finding sexy pictures.

My New Year's Resolution is to not care what people think
and be as truely myself as I can get. I also want to experience
something new and positive. I think that when people so so worried and
caught up in being the perfect person they will go out of their way
to get there. People care way too much about what other people think
of them. They get so despirate to be like everyone else that they change
themselves in every single way they can just to "fit in". They slowly
evolve into the people they want to be like that they eventually turn
into them. I shouldnt care what people think... if they dont like me
for me..than thats their loss because I have alot to offer. Lately things
have been really fucked up. My life is so boring I want to experience
something new...something out of the ordinary cycle that i call my life.
I dont want the new experience to be negative. I want to to be as
positive as it can get. Maybe it will reflect on my life and I'll become
more of a happy positive person. What I need to do to get myself there
is to not focus on the negatives in my life. Things could always be
10x worse. I also need to get rid of any jealousy or envy i have. Its
just getting in the way of what I can become on my own. I dont thrive
on jealousy there for I shouldnt need it. I have more personal goals
for this new year to come but I need something to keep to myself that I
can secretly work on to see if people notice a difference. I want to
become more successful at my life and get more serious. All I want is for
my parents to be proud of me for once. That could be my new positive
experience but how long would it last? I scratch that.. I dont care if
my parents are proud of me..I need to do something for myself..not for
the satisfaction of them...For once.. I need to think of me and
only me..not anyone else. This is not going to be one of those things I
say but never do. I've done that way to many times and I think that
maybe just once..I should stick to something and be dedicated. Some of
the more personal goals I have could change my life on the plus side.
They are really important decisions that I have to make and if they are
really truely what I want i should do it. I also need to focus on why
I'm doing them. I will do whatever it takes to achieve these goal..This
time I promise. I dont want to be unhappy for the rest of my life.
I need to do something for myself that will make me happy and maybe
keep me happy.

Happy New Years.

Great...I think?


My mom let me back online only because i made her food..I actually made myself food but then gave her some...That was decent of her to let me go back on...Notice how i said decent and not "nice" because saying that , that was nice of her to let me go back on isnt exactly right. She never does anything nice unless theres a motive behind it where she can say "look at all the stuff i've got you" or "look at what i've done for you" so she can make me feel bad. Thats all i have to say. I dont have much on my mind except for that brownies are sounding pretty good right now.