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2007 8 April :: 1.27am
Suprise Suprise.
Kyle started dating someone new like the next week.
Now all he does is talk about her because shes so amazing apparently.
I shouldn't let it get to me but it does.
I wish I never met him.
Well that isnt entirely true. It wasnt all bad.
I hope karma comes around a bites him in the ass.
This is my impression of him now:
Lyke and then i got drunk with my girlfriend and then this happend while i was sooooooooo drunk with my girlfriend and then i did this all drunk and this person was drunk and i was so drunk and puked and my girlfriend was so drunk and we were just all so drunk 2 nights in a row and we went to a punk show all drunk and we were drunk at a punk show and it was hardcore.
Other than that, cara came to visit with her baby. So cute! And her boy Dallas is real nice.
And Tianna is grounded for 6 months because she got caught skippin school again.
And her parents blame me. Even though im more positive for her than they are, they didnt graduate, they cant hold a steady job and they just sit and smoke crack.
Anyways all for now. To much to write and I dont feel like thinkin about it.
Send me Your love
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2007 18 March :: 9.51pm
Smash my baby doll;
- Me and Kyle split
- Not even 4 hours later he was fucking some chick
- I don't see how you can just stop loving someone or caring?
- I also can't believe you can throw away something thats been over a year just like that
- My heart is really broken. But I think I'm taking it okay, I really have no choice, I'm upset that it ended like this. And it sucks because I love him more than he will ever know and he wont even tell me why he ended it or why he did what he did.
- Planning on just being single, I don't want to be with anyone other than Kyle, so i'm going to need lots of time to get over him.
- Been pretty stressed out. Mom had an anxiety attack and I had to call 911, she was passing out and stuff but I thought she was like dying, so that scared me more than anything
- Smoking lots of weed lately, its not to bad
- Um schools going good, works okay.
- Idk what else to say, there is obviously HELLA I want to write about Kyle but I just don't feel like it.
Send me Your love
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2007 7 March :: 11.49pm
I wish I had someone to help me through this but I dont.
Everyone hates me.
Maybe not everyone. But everyone I trust stabs me in the back.
People are telling Kyle more lies. And hes believing everything they say. Its tearing me apart.
I'm having an emotional breakdown. Its been along time coming though.
I need help but no one wants to help me. Ive tried counsellors but they never call me back. Ive tried to get my mom to call but they dont call her back.
I feel so helpless.
I do not know what to do. I have no more options.
I guess I can't rely on anyone except myself. But I dont even know how im going to get through this.
At this point no one really cares. I wish they did. But I cant change how they feel.
I pretty much just want to crawl in a hole and die.
Everything ive been working to get i know i never will.
Its hard to wait for something I know wont happen. But I keep waiting.
I guess thats my own fault.
I just wish someone would care.
I just thought that maybe someone for once thought I was there everything.
Someone couldnt stand to see me cry, couldnt bear to hurt me.
Would do anything for me.
God knows thats how I felt about Kyle. I know I hurt him though. I didnt mean to.
I dont know what to write, or say.
I cant fix anything. Everytime I try to do something good I get shot down.
No one is on my side. Everyone wants to see me fail. No one wants me and Kyle together.
Kelci, who I thouht was my friend. Told Kyle that I liked Lance, she told him all this stuff.
And its not true. But he wont believe me no matter what I say or do.
Its not true. The only one I want to be with is him.
And no one else wants that.
Like for once I wish everyone would stay out of my life and my relationship. If your just going to stab me in the back why talk to me in the first place.
I cant believe how cruel people can be.
I try so hard and it gets me no where.
I try to do good at everything. I try and do what everyone tells me.
Oh do this and he will get back together with you. Or no you should just leave him you deserve better. Kelci actually told me that, amoung a bunch of other people that did.
Kelci actually said "oh you deserve better and if hes just going to keep hurting you why be with him?".
She also said "ive seen and been in bad relationships. And your relationship is bad".
Like cant people mind there own fucking buissness.
I remember it used to be good when people werent fucking involved.
I would give anything to have those times back.
Whats the point in living anyways?
I have to go to school, I have to go to work. I have to do this and that.
Then I have to graduate and get a good job and move out and buy a house.
Like what the fuck do I have to do all this for if I die in the end anyways?
I know I sounds all stupid and emo but everyone fucking gets emotional.
Was it so wrong for me to think that maybe once someone really wanted to be with me and only me. For once someone would hold me when Im sad and do anything to cheer me up.
But maybe I need to find happiness on my own?
I don't really see how thats possible when everyones mad at you.
I hate feeling like this.
I hate not knowing what to do.
I hate that no one is there for me.
I hate that no one cares.
I hate being the one that has to get up and go to school and go to work.
I hate that I have no one to go to.
No one to hug me
No one to hold me or kiss me
No one to tell me its going to be okay.
I hate how I have to cry myself to sleep.
I hate how I know things arent going to get better. But I still try.
I hate myself.
I hate how I care no matter what
I hate how I let myself get treated the way I do.
I hate how I never stand up for myself and always lets people walk all over me.
I hate how everyone just laughs in my face.
Or talks behind my back.
Or tries to ruin my life.
Like did anyone every consider that Kyle was the only thing I really had?
Sure I have my mom. And Tianna.
But Tianna doesnt know what im going through.
Fuck all the people that said they would be there for me.
Send me Your love
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2007 2 March :: 5.12pm
All I ever wanted;
Kyle is fuckin useless.
He called. I wish he didnt. He was a jerk. And blamed me for him being paranoid. Now he knows how I feel.
I knew nothing would change.
Its like nothing he did to me the past 3 months matter because it was all because of a drug problem. And now hes all in detox so its like oh yay kyle. im so proud of you for getting of the fucking drugs you started doing in the first place cause you couldnt deal with your fucking shit. When i have to put up with so much.
But you know whatever fuck him. I dont need this shit in my life. And hes probably going to relapse anyways.
Like he didnt even say he loved me during our conversation at all. And the only reason he said he missed me was because I asked him.
And when he went in on Monday he acted like it didnt matter and he didnt even kiss me or hug me or anything like that.
So fuck his bullshit.
Send me Your love
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2007 1 March :: 8.24pm
Should have known better.
I fell really hard in skating. My knees hurt.
I get to see Kyle Sunday for a bit.
I work all weekend.
It sucks.
Send me Your love
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2007 27 February :: 12.57am
Tianna: That reminds me of a movie called hedwig and the angry inch, about some guy who dresses up as a girl and so on
Hollie: Oh i've heard of that
Tianna: Yeah i've told you about it
Hollie: Yeah, i've heard the name before. But I always thought it was some childrens movie
Tianna: "The angry inch..."
Hollie: OH... like the inch is a penis... I always thought the inch was some mythical creature, and that hedwig was an owl...
Send me Your love
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2007 25 February :: 9.57pm
Kyle is addicted. So much to write, can't think now.
My name is Meth.
I destroy homes, I tear families apart,
I take your children, and that's just the start.
I'm more costly than diamonds, more precious than gold,
The sorrow I bring is a sight to behold.
If you need me, remember I'm easily found,
I live all around you - in schools and in town.
I live with the rich; I live with the poor,
I live down the street, and maybe next door.
I'm made in a lab, but not like you think,
I can be made under the kitchen sink.
In your child's closet, and even in the woods,
If this scares you to death, well it certainly should.
I have many names, but there's one you know best,
I'm sure you've heard of me, my name is crystal meth.
My power is awesome; try me you'll see,
But if you do, you may never break free.
Just try me once and I might let you go,
But try me twice, and I'll own your soul.
When I possess you, you'll steal and you'll lie,
You do what you have to -- just to get high.
The crimes you'll commit for my narcotic charms,
Will be worth the pleasure you'll feel in your arms.
You'll lie to your mother; you'll steal from your dad,
When you see their tears, you should feel sad.
But you'll forget your morals and how you were raised,
I'll be your conscience, I'll teach you my ways.
I take kids from parents, and parents from kids,
I turn people from God, and separate friends.
I'll take everything from you, your looks and your pride,
I'll be with you always -- right by your side.
You'll give up everything - your family, your home,
Your friends, your money, then you'll be alone.
I'll take and take, till you have nothing more to give,
When I'm finished with you, you'll be lucky to live.
If you try me be warned - this is no game,
If given the chance, I'll drive you insane.
I'll ravish your body, I'll control your mind,
I'll own you completely, your soul will be mine.
The nightmares I'll give you while lying in bed,
The voices you'll hear, from inside your head.
The sweats, the shakes, the visions you'll see,
I want you to know, these are all gifts from me.
But then it's too late, and you'll know in your heart,
That you are mine, and we shall not part.
You'll regret that you tried me, they always do,
But you came to me, not I to you.
You knew this would happen, many times you were told,
But you challenged my power, and chose to be bold.
You could have said no, and just walked away,
If you could live that day over, now what would you say?
I'll be your master, you will be my slave,
I'll even go with you, when you go to your grave.
Now that you have met me, what will you do?
Will you try me or not? It's all up to you.
I can bring you more misery than words can tell,
Come take my hand, let me lead you to hell.
Send me Your love
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2007 19 February :: 12.08pm
Fucked up my everything;
So, last week went fine.
Last sunday I pretty much said either be with me or im not doing this anymore.
I waited a few days and then Kyle said he wanted to get back into a relationship. I wasnt sure because it felt like he just wanted to because I said I wouldnt do it anymore. So we were supposed to talk on sunday..and the week went fine
Valentines day was good, Kyles birthday was good, even though I didn't really see him on it.
Until we went to that rave.
I was having like the best time ever I had so much fun.
I was dancing and sitting with Kyle and he was all fucked on drugs and I met a lot of really nice people and everyone was complimenting me.
And then I was dancing with this guy and he kissed me. And I kissed him back for like a second. But Kyle saw. And from then on nothings really been okay.
At this point i'm pretty sure that were not going to get back together. And idk.
Before I was thinking how much he doesnt care and how much he doesnt love me anymore. But now I realize he does. Cause if he didn't why would it hurt him so much.
I don't really know what to say theres so much going on in my head.
And theres nothing I can do to fix things.
Ive apologized, I wrote him a huge letter. I even thought of baking cup cakes and writing I love you Im sorry on them. But thats just stupid.
I feel so sick. And alone.
I know I hurt him. And it hurts me so much to see him hurt like that.
And I didn't mean for it to happen.
I like don't know what to write, theres so much to say but I can't really form sentences with it, it's just all jumbled up in my head.
Like on one hand Im willing to do anything to make it up to him..
But on the other it's like whats the point no matter what I do or say I cant fix it. And I don't want to go through all this.
I know it kills him but it kills me too.
I hate feeling so alone. Like no one really cares or anything. When I told my dad and tianna they just said good, he finally gets a taste of his own medicine. Which I guess in some ways is true. But he never kissed another girl. I know hes cheated on me. But that was so long ago and at this point its not worth bringing up because ive dealt with it and moved on.
I just hate it like i hate crying every night I hate just doing anything in general. It makes me sick to my stomach. Im like sad but at the same time emotionless.
I dont know. Theres to much to think about and say now so im not going to write about it.
I'll write again soon, maybe when more of it is clear.
The great disappointment
Send me Your love
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2007 27 January :: 10.24pm
Every girl has that one boy that she'll never get over.
That one who makes them laugh.
The one who gives you butterflies when someone simply says his name.
That one who remembers the stupid things you say and reminds you about it months from now.
The one who has his name written all over your heart.
The one who you compare every other guy to.
That one boy who you never could get sick of talking about.
The one when you first saw him you knew that you loved him.
The one that in some way will always break your heart . . .
Send me Your love
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2007 21 January :: 9.24pm
For you I bleed myself dry;
I met my other brother this weekend :D
Hes 29. He lives in Cranbrooke. Which is about 3 or 4 hours away from Calgary.
Him and my dad picked me up from skating and we went to the malahat lookout and it was so sunny. It was nice :)
Then all of us and my mom, sister and sabrina went for sushi.
Then tonight once I got off work him and dad picked me up and we drove him to the airport. I really like him, hes nice. And I think I'm gonna go visit him in the summer. I connected more with him in 2 days than I ever have with my other brother, and ive known him since I was 7.
My new job is okay. Its more confusing than I thought it would be. But I like it. And I will get the hang of it soon =]
Cara had her baby. It's cute :) There coming out in April, I can't wait to see her. And I think I will probably go visit them in the summer to :)
I don't know whats going on with Kyle anymore. I think its pretty much over.
I barely hear from him. I heard from him like once this weekend. Cause he was sick. Other than that he just spends all his time with Tarl getting high and shit.
But oh well.
I just wish I had someone special in my life right now. Stuff has been hard and it feels like im on my own. And it's not just because me and kyle are pretty much through. Its just I feel like hes never there for me and never has been except really early on in our relationship.
Idk. Im just sick of everything.
No one ever said it would be this hard
Send me Your love
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2007 16 January :: 1.38am
I WISH I WAS DEAD
I WISH I WAS DEAD
I WISH I WAS DEAD
I WISH I WAS DEAD
I WISH I WAS DEAD
I WISH I WAS DEAD
Send me Your love
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2007 16 January :: 1.24am
Death of seasons;
Its not even worth it anymore.
I cant feel how I want without someone having an opinion.
I live for nothing or no one.
I have no meaning anymore.
Call me emo, call me crazy.
Thats how I feel. If no ones willing to take me as I am than fuck you.
I wont change anymore. I dont need people.
I have myself.
Thats all I really need.
Fuck friends, fuck relationships, fuck love, fuck everything I feel.
Send me Your love
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2007 4 January :: 12.00pm
I want the boy who calls me just to say hi.
The boy who drops by just to tell me he loves me
The boy whos proud to have me
The boy who loves me and makes sure everyone knows it
The boy whos faithful and honest, and would never ever lie
The boy whos heart breaks everytime I cry
The boy that makes me smile all the time
The boy that holds me in his arms
The boy who shows affection for me in public
The boy whos face lights up every time he sees me
The boy who calls me beautiful when I look my worst
The boy who appreciates me for who I am
The boy who doesn't try to make me change
The boy who actually cares & wont walk out on me
The boy who will always be there no matter what
Send me Your love
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2007 3 January :: 9.08pm
:In the end all I want is you:
Okay so I thought the new years would start off pretty good... I was totally wrong.
I got really really sick around 8 on new years day. And I was hella hella sick for atleast 10 hours. With a few little breaks in between.
I honestly thought I was dieing.
And yesterday I couldn't keep anything down, I just kept puking. In 24 hours I lost 10 pounds!.
And this is like the 3rd day of being sick. But finally around like 7 I ate some protein and drank some gatorade to replace some electrolytes.
And I feel a lot better. Still not 100% though.
What really fucking pisses me off is how Kyle hasnt been there for me through any of this. I sat with him for 2 days while he was sick. And looked after him tending to all his needs. I ran him baths, got him drinks, rubbed his tummy, got him cold cloths. And all the rest.
And he hasnt came to visit me once in the past 3 days.
I can see why the first day, just because I didnt even want to see anyone. BUT he hasnt even called. AT ALL. So its nice to know I put out so much, and get NOTHING at all in return. Atleast have the desency to call me or atleast spend some time with me. God knows ive busted my fucking ass for you.
It has actually kind of opened my eyes to realize how much he wont be there when I need him and how much he doesnt care.
So new start... maybe??
AND Tianna broke up with Chris finally, so that might help me a little more.
And my job interview is at friday at 10 cause I was way to sick to go yesterday.
And Kelsey is probably sleeping over tommorow night :)
Send me Your love
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2007 1 January :: 2.42am
HAPPY NEW YEARS.
I have a job interview at Canadian tire on tuesday, or wednesday.
I forget... But im excited.
And I get paid on wednesday.
So far this new year isnt starting out to bad.
Maybe 2007 will be good!
So I need to get in shape. I wanna wear a bikini this summer and not look disgusting.
I need to get rid of everything bad in my life.
I have to start saving money. Hopefully put away atleast 5000 by the end of the year. At least.
OH and get back into my school work. Even if it means going to summer school.
I have to finish socials 10 and 11. And math 11.
And for once pass sewing.
My new years eve was good. I slept until 12 and then got woken up and went home to my moms. Then Tianna came over and me her and Jodi went downtown for a bit. Then we came home and I went out to Kyles and we watched Clerks 2, My super ex girlfriend & Femme Fatal. They were all really good.
And I fucked in the new years. Which was cool :D
And yeah its going good so far, I hope I don't screw it up this time!
Send me Your love
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