What it took to build me, wasn't enough to kill me.

2 Postage Stamps | Send me Your love

:: 2006 14 January :: 2.20pm

wtf wtf wtf
i hate finding things out..

I was being a bit nebby today and i came acrossed jasons myspace account.. so you know i happened to look in his inbox and sent messages.. and theres this CUTE LITTLE ASIAN GIRL with hardly any clothes on saying 'hey baby, i think your really cute..i came acrossed your myspace and i would like to talk to you so heres my AIM .......' and etc i dunno, wtf? and he REPLIED! saying something like ' ya i think your cute to heres my AIM ........ and hope to hear from you soon' OMFG im so pissed im supposed to go see him sunday and i dont wanna tell him bout the message i had seen..cause he will get so mad at me. but yea wtf? not like my hearts already broken.. i mean its just been thrown on a cutting board and stabbed a few times.. but I WILL BE OKAY! UGH.

it would have been ok if she just sent that and he didnt reply or he did reply and just say ok? hi. BUT NO HE MADE IT LIKE HE WAS INTERESTED!!!!!

:(:(:(

UPDATE

Just got home alittle bit ago.. me and lai went driving around :). thursday and friday nite i stayed at her house and now shes stayin at mine til monday, woo woo. we went to get Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers. like everyday :P and then we stopped up at my friend gereds house there was supposed to be alcohol lol but u no how it is when parents and friends wont buy it. so we stayed for awhile and left.. man i didnt no people could be so drunk. haha. then we took a cruise through b-ville. and got a drink at subway cause were cool and it was freeeee. but ya good nite!!!! :):):) tomorrow im SUPPOSED to see jason but hes being a queer so i dont no if it will fall through, i just MAY hang out with someone else. so yeah go me?

:: 2006 12 January :: 2.56pm

You're so predictable no shadow of doubt
when you are suffering know who sold you out
Fuck your opinions
Fuck your lack of spine
When you are miserable
Know that I'm just fine

You go solo
your faggot rainbow
your junkie ego
won't save you this time

:: 2006 11 January :: 10.41pm

dont stop get it get it. LoL
welp today when i came home from school; i layed down because i have a migrain.. i wasnt so smart today in school, so since i have been down in the dumps alittle i took a break off of my xanx bars and decided to take some vicodine along with aderol (sp?) so yeah, i wasnt the sharpest tool in the shed.. i felt awful. but alaina and mike showed up and they got me out of bed to go with them to drive around and what not.. we smoked alittle and drank a beer or 2. so we just chilled.. i didnt eat anything ALL DAY. so i was sick to my stomach.. after we hung out i came home and i felt like i was going to litterly collaspe. but i guess i will survive HAH! anyways. yeah me and lai are chillin like villians on penicillin cause i dont have school fri or mon. YES GO ME WOOO. so who knows what the dickens we will be up to; im also supposed to see <3jason. but i wanna see jon also. heh i dunnnnnno

everything is so NOT EXPLAINABLE!.
i seriously dont know how to feel anymore.

3 Postage Stamps | Send me Your love

:: 2006 11 January :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: My Best Friend- Tim McGraw

I haven't felt like updating. Actually, I haven't had anything to update about. School is school. Family is family. Friends are friends. That's pretty much it.

I came home from school today and my mom, my brother and I went to a few places, and then we went to the mall. I wanted a new pair of shoes. So I got a really cute pair of Pink & White Etnies for $45.

The part of this song is perfect;
You're more than a lover. There could never be another. To make me feel the way you do. And oh, we just get closer. I fall in love all over, everytime I look at you. And I don't know where I'd be. Without you here with me. Life with you makes perfect sense. You're my best friend.

Becky.

1 Postage Stamps | Send me Your love

:: 2006 10 January :: 6.40pm
:: Mood: Blah

I realized odds and science are against me
I wish I could give you what you're looking for, but I don't know what it is. There's a part of you that you keep closed off from everyone, including me. It's as if I'm not the one you're really with. Your mind is on someone else.

I'm figureing out that i must not be the material that you need; and i'm not up to your level, honestly it hurts.. but i guess it's how it has to be and something i have to deal with.

I really do miss you..

theedgeofyouratmosphere

:: 2006 9 January :: 4.15pm
:: Mood: melancholy

I get knocked down; but i get up again.
you know i seriously dont care anymore.. but its funny cause i say i dont but i really do.. cause just a few things bother me. but oh well i guess its a part of life. im just tired of hurting anymore with friends, family, lovers, haters.. wtf whatever; anything. i just wanna be smiling. all i do is sleep anymore; noone ever wants to do anything and thats fine.. i got used to not doing so much of anything anymore so all i like to do is lay around and sleep. jasons not here so i have nothing to do and it bothers me to see him not with me. i dunno mabey i should let go or stay up and put up with this fight and try. but im not willing to let go yet; and i dont tend on wanting to. he told me if something better comes along, take it rochelle well what the piss, i dont think anything is going to come along and it isnt like i want it to. i just dont know EVERYTHING and i mean EVERYTHING is so fucked anymore. i just want it to be the way i feel it should be

My Goals after high school..
: Moving out
: Attending a school in Colorado
: Getting a job
: Finding my own place
: Meeting new people
: Graduate from the school
: Come back home for alittle while
: Get Engaged/Married (mabey)
: Have 1 or 2 rugrats (mabey)
: Get a better job
: Have Nicer things

thats all i think about
i dunno mabey im crazy; mabey the whole school thing isnt me. i mean the only reason why i stick around in HS is so i can get into that school in CO. and make my mother proud. bleh i dunno. er
:

:: 2006 8 January :: 1.09pm

lastnite i went out on a date with this kid jon. i dunno it was ok i suppose. i just thought about jason the whole time and thats all that ran through my mind. i dunno im pathetic. but ya me and alaina just hung out and shit. just goofed around & had a good time..haha

i love it how my 'friends' like always have something better to do than do anything with me.. its like im not being a baby but forreal i ask em' all the time HEY! u wanna do something? and there like no i cant or some bullshit and then they go out with someone else or something.. wtf, whatever

GOSH, EVERYTHING IS SO FUCKED ANYMORE i cant take it, im seriously about to crack.

:: 2006 7 January :: 7.22pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Because of You- Kelly Clarkson

Survey.
Basics.
Time started: 7:22pm
Name: Rebecca
Nickname: Becky; Becca
Sex: Female
Birthday: August 13, 1988
Sign: Leo
Siblings: One brother
Eye color: Blue
Shoe size: 8-8 1/2
Height: 5'3"
What are you wearing right now: T-shirt & Pajama Pants
Where do you live: At home with my parents
Are you a righty or lefty: Righty
Relationships or no relationships: Relationships
Breakfast: I don't eat breakfast that often.
Favorite cartoon characters: Spongebob Squarepants & Jimmy Neutron

Have you ever?..
Given anyone a bath: Yes
Bungee Jumped: Yes
Parasailed: No, but I want to, and I will.
Made yourself throw-up: I tried, but I can't do it.
Gone skinny dipping: Yes
Been in the opposite sex's bathroom: Yes
Eaten a dog biscuit: When I was little.
Got your tongue stuck to a pole: No
Loved someone so much it made you cry: Yes
Played truth or dare: Of course.
Been in a physical fight: Yeah.. lol.
Been in a police car: Nope
Been in a hot tub: Yes
Swam in the ocean: mhmm.
Fallen asleep in school: Just once when I was sick. But the teacher yelled at me, and I haven't been able to sleep since. I was so afraid of him.
Ran away: No
Broken someone's heart: I doubt it.
Flashed someone: Yes
Cried in school: Yes
Fell off your chair: Yes
Saved MSN / AOL / AIM conversations: Only the important ones.
Saved e-mails: Yes
Fallen for a close or best friend?: Yeah

First thing that comes to mind...
Red: Roses
Blue: Sky
Autumn: Leaves
Cow: Moo
Cat: Meow
Nickel: Silver
Elbow: Nothing came to mind.

What is?..
Your room like: Small, but clean.
The last thing you said: "I'm bored."
Beside you right now: Papers, & Water

Have you?..
Had Chicken pox: Yeah.
Had a Sore Throat: Yeah. I have one right now as a matter of fact.
Loved anyone: Of course. I still do.

Do you?..
Believe in love at first sight: No. That bothers me.
Like picnics: I've never been on a picnic.
Like school: Yeah, only because I like to learn.
Like filling these out: Obviously
Wear contacts or glasses: No
Like yourself: Just depends.
Get along with your family: Yeah, sometimes.
Have piercings below the waist?: No

Would you?..
Eat a live hamster: Hell no.
Go to a Hanson concert: No
Kill someone you didn't know for 15 billion dollars: No, because I couldn't use the 15 billion dollars in jail.

Are you?..
Obsessive?: Yes; about alot of things.
Anorexic?: No.
Suicidal? No.

Who was the last person?..
You touched? My dog; if that counts.
You massaged: Jake
You Kissed: Jake
You yelled at: My dog
You had a crush on: Jake started out as a crush..
You were in love with: Jake; and I still am.
Who broke your heart: Kevin

Final questions...
How many people are you sending this to: None
What are you listening to right now: Football on TV
What did you do yesterday: Went to school && came home.
Last night: Nothing.
What is your favorite band: At the moment; The Academy Is.
Hated someone in your family: Yes
Got any awards: Yes.
Have you ever gone streaking? No
Want to get married someday: Yes
What is your favorite video game? Madden Football [any year]
Have a lava lamp?: Yes
How many remote controls are in your house: About 10
Are you double jointed: Not that I know of.
What do you dream about: Everything.
The last movie you saw in theatres? The Incredibles. It's been a while.
Scary or happy movies: Both
Root beer or Dr. Pepper: I don't drink pop.
Mud or Jell-O wrestling: Jell-O; haha.
Silver or Gold: Gold
Diamond or pearl: Diamond
Sunset or Sunrise: Sunrise
Phone or in person: In person
Oldest, middle, youngest or only child: Youngest
End Time?: 7:42pm

Becky.

:: 2006 6 January :: 3.10pm

Yeah everything fucking sucks.

12 Postage Stamps | Send me Your love

:: 2006 5 January :: 6.00pm
:: Mood: irritated
:: Music: Dance Dance- Fallout Boy

I can feel my attitude changing towards every little thing that is going on right now. It feels like I can physically hurt someone, or something and not even care. No, I'm not thinking about murdering anyone, so don't let rumors fly.

I'm tired of waking up every morning to face a battle with my parents. I feel as though I'm being treated like a 5 year old, and in reality, I'm a 17 year old who is going to be graduating from high school this year. I can't ever voice my opinions, so I usually just say them to myself; atleast I'll listen. I didn't feel like doing that this time. Things such as getting my license and being able to go out with friends on school nights may seem like little things, but little things are what bother me the most. I haven't done anything to anyone in order for them to lose their trust with me; and I don't intend to be treated as though I have.

While I'm on the subject of things bothering me, I might as well continue on with something else.

Dear Friend,

You'll wake up sometime and realize what you're doing wrong, and why it's wrong. Take 10 minutes out of your busy schedule to think to yourself why you're doing what you're doing, and then try to tell me that it's something worthwhile.

Becky.

2 Postage Stamps | Send me Your love

:: 2006 3 January :: 10.26pm
:: Music: 30 seconds to mars - beautiful lie

Lie awake in bed at night
And think about your life
Do you want to be different?
Try to let go of the truth
The battles of your youth
Cuz this is just a game

It's a beautiful lie
It's the perfect denial
Such a beautiful lie to believe in
So beautiful, beautiful it makes me

It's time to forget about the past
To wash away what happened last
Hide behind an empty face
Don't ask too much, just say
That this is just a game

today was boring as always.
i slept like all day in school.
and i had some guys tell me they wanted to see my 'tatas'
nothing new.
but ya..

anyways. im tired; and i miss jason. i miss alot of things. haha im so dumb!

7 Postage Stamps | Send me Your love

:: 2006 3 January :: 12.18pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: You'll Always Be My Baby- Mariah Carey

I went to bed at 11:30 last night, not feeling too well. My stomach hurt really bad. Then I woke up at 1:00am this morning and got sick. Then it happened about every hour; and it's still happening. I was sick exactly 3 weeks ago with the same thing. I've been sleeping, and drinking Ginger Ale. Hopefully I'll feel better soon. Blah.

I love you.
Becky.

2 Postage Stamps | Send me Your love

:: 2006 2 January :: 4.04am
:: Mood: Sad/Tired
:: Music: Sr71- in my mind

Happy new years
My new years was alright. i didnt get to drunk lmao. but i was feeeeling good!. i went to alainas and had fun; i needed to try and get my mind off jason. didnt really work though, i balled my eyes out but ya.. so i talked to him today and i told him i needed to see him; i think alaina is takin me to see him this weekend; cause if i dont im going to go fucking insane. im to upset to do anything, i never been this choked up. but to top that all off i started to think back in the past and shit so that wasnt to good. but what a way to start off the new year right? hah. its BS i know. but i have to get to bed its 4am omfg. and i have to get up at 10 to go with alaina to bentleyville. so ya RISE AND SHINEEE! errr

i miss him so much, boy oh boy am i outta place anymore. yikes. :(