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2010 2 October :: 10.44pm
You are the only exception.
In so many ways I have changed. In so many ways I have grown. In so many ways I can force myself to move beyond my struggles.
Why is it that you are always in my way?
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2010 6 May :: 8.26pm
Sleep stories
Oraganization
Q-tips
Juice
Baths
Umm your blowing clouds of puff..
flashlight tag
Excuse Me, your fingers are in my modern langauge you Hick Jew
Ice lollies
Gay Cow Pride
Krunkopoly
Making lists
Starborg 9
Stars
Le mew, Le meow? Le meow meow..Le ruff, Le hiss, Le fuck this shit guys
Woohu
Happy cookies
How my horse got stuck in the fence and died because it ate to many happy cookies
CSI
One, two, three ARMY STANCE!
Puddle Jumping
Chocolate
Paint samples
How me and Cara parked are ship in the dirt because calgary doesnt have an ocean
Little Gingy & his gingerbread friends
Unicorns
My blanket
Sit n Spin
Light bright
Tag your bag tags
Child hood memories
Showers
Hot tubs
The slippery fish song
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theedgeofyouratmosphere
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2009 11 December :: 11.52am
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: sponge - plowed.
I hate being fat. fat fat fat..
its horrible, i feel terrible 99.9% of the time.
I've never been this huge. EVER. i wish i was at my goal weight, which is * 145lbs... FML
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2009 29 May :: 11.23pm
Please please please let me get what I want.
Life doesn't feel worth living when you have no friends.
I'm so depressed and so unhappy.
Everytime I contemplate change or want to change I just don't see the point.
The days are getting harder.
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2009 11 May :: 9.26pm
Its the risk that I'm taking.
I miss doing things for myself.
I like to have an hour at night to myself to get ready for bed, brush my teeth, wash my face have a bath, relax go on the computer, do whatever.
I like time in the morning to exercise lift weights and stuff like that.
I like time to sleep in.
As much as I hate it, I want a second job so that I can have more money. I want to be able to afford the things I want, and be able to do the things I like to do.
But it seems like whenever I have the money I don't have the time, but if I want the time I have no money.
I want to do things like yoga and horseback riding and figure skating and I want to learn pole dancing.
I also want more time to exercise. And more time to look after myself.
I know I'm really selfish, but I just honestly want time for myself.
I've never been able to do the things I want because we could never afford it and I feel like I'm just missing out on life. And I don't want that.
It's complicated and stupid
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2009 6 May :: 9.54pm
Bang bang.
Counselling was good today, we did a really cool activity to analyze relationships.
I was busy busy today, did a lot of running around but I don't feel like I accomplished much.
I went for dinner with Jesse tonight, it was really nice to hang out with him again, I haven't seen him in so long.
I hate when the foodnetwork is on it makes me sooooo hungry
Theres lots I could write about but I'm kinda lazy. I need a good sleep tonight.
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2009 3 May :: 9.24pm
Surrender
I'm not happy. I miss the way things use to be. Not that things now are all that bad. I'm really happy with Greg. I just miss grade 9, that was the best year, I had friends and no worries.
The past two weeks have been pretty shitty.
I could go into detail but I'll just sum it up.
Greg got fired.
He has a huge huge huge dental bill to pay off.
Are car is having a lot of problems, which will probably be expensive to fix.
All that doesn't sound to bad, but the details of it all make it worse.
I really don't like my job, it's boring and I make such shitty money. But atleast its money.
I'm thinking of going to summer school in July, it's only a month and then i'd be able to get my dogwood and go to college. The thought of all that really excites me.
I'm still having a really hard time with liking myself. It's getting worse.
I hate summer, everyone looks so good in all there clothes. And I hate going shopping because I'm so fat and look gross in everything.
Counselling has been going good, its nice to finally have help.
I'm just worried sometimes that nothing or no amount of help will fix me.
I miss having friends. True friends are so hard to find.
Send me Your love
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2009 6 April :: 9.48pm
You spin my head right round, right round.
CANUCKS WAS SOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD!
First off we caught the 11:00 ferry to Vancouver, we went to the buffet and I loaded up on this cake stuff which clearly had dairy in it so I was of course puking the whole way there, but other than that I enjoyed the ride. Once we got there we checked into our hotel. Then Greg and I went to GM Place so he could buy a new Jersey, he got Burrows #14 who is my favorite, we also bought big #1 hands and I got flashy Canuck beads :) Our hotel was literally right across the street from GM Place which was so dope!
Then we went and got some food, then went back to the hotel and had a quick nap. After that we got ready, put our Canuck tattoos, jerseys and beads on and I did my make up. Billy and mom came down and gave Greg a beer for his birthday and then they went to the bar and we went to the arena. Unfortunatly we couldn't get in until 6 but we just walked around and took pictures and stuff, it was a lot of fun :) Then after what seemed like forever we got to line up at the doors! And! I was the first one in line :) Once we got in I just took off running not knowing which way I was going and Greg got us succesfully down to where the Canucks come out. We stood there for a good half an hour and I don't think i've ever been so anxious/excited in my life. Finally they all started coming out and I just flipped I was soooo stoked to be that close to the Canucks I thought I was going to cry. We got a video of them walking out and how close we were to which is so badass. Then we got pictures and watched them warm up and on there way back in we got high fives from all of them which was like the highlight of my life. Except Henrik Sedin and Demitra which was kinda rude but oh well. After that we went and got our seats which were really decent, they were up on the balcony, first row in the very middle. The game itself wasn't all that great, only one fight near the end and we only scored one goal as opposed to Colorado's 4, and we scored in like the last 3 or so minutes of the 3rd period. But I'm glad Colorado didn't get a shut out. Plus Greg's parents arranged for the scoreboard to say Happy 22nd Birthday Greg Peterson. Which was really cool :) It obviously would have been way more dope if they won but I didn't want it to ruin my night. I had sooooooo much fun!
And I got a souvenier popcorn bucket and drink cup... so now I can watch games at home and just fill my souvenier bucket and cup with popcorn and drank and I can wear my jersey and other stuff and just pretend im at the game :) I'm rambling so much but its cause im sooooo tired and I don't want to leave anything out but its all coming out hella jumbled.
Of course after the game we just went back to the hotel, I was pretty tired by then. The bed in the hotel was soooooo uncomfortable so I had a pretty shitty sleep and I was up at like 7:30 and we left the hotel at 9 to catch the 11:00 ferry, which ended up being way to early because we had an hour and a half wait but we poked around the ferry terminal and Greg bought me another one of my favorite perfumes because they sell them there for real cheap. And its real perfume, I wouldn't buy the fake shit. Ramble ramble ramble.
The ferry ride back was good, Greg and I played the penny game and we both got pennies on the black bottom part of the boat which is really hard to do! And we saw a clan of seals, there was ten or so which was cool. All in all it was a wonderful trip.
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2009 24 March :: 10.57am
Sunday, I was on the wharf and I fed this seal and then it jumped up and kissed me on the cheek. It was so cute
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2009 9 March :: 11.16pm
<<40>> | | ; S a m ; | | - says:
As one of my favorite quotes go:
"Nothing worth having comes with out some kind of fight. Gotta kick it to darkness till it bleeds daylight"
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2009 3 March :: 11.32pm
I'm getting so fed up..
I miss eating.
I'm sure my stomach is like the size of a grape considering I eat, at the most probably half a cup to a cup of food per day.
Nothing tastes good and everything upsets my stomach.
Not to mention it takes like half an hour to clean my mouth out after.
It's even worse now that I have a dry socket. He has to fill it 4 times. So I went today, have to go back on Thursday, next Tuesday and next Thursday.
And he fills it with this stuff that has clove oil and then packs it with a piece of cloth soaked in clove oil. So EVERYTHING tastes and smells like cloves. Even when I'm not eating I have that hint of clove taste in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I wont ever want to smell cloves again after this.
And the worst part is it doesn't even help with the pain.
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2009 1 March :: 9.32pm
I had to get my wisdom teeth out the other day. IT FUCKING SUCKS.
I can't type it out again so here are entries from my blog:
I had like the worst fucking night last night.
I had a bad reaction to my medicine and I had the worst headache and I felt pretty dizzy so I like went to try and go back to sleep and then I had to pee so Greg helped me up and i just like almost passed out and i started shaking so bad and went into shock and they had to call the ambulance and it just like sucked so bad. I sat in the hospital for like 4 hours and I couldn't stop throwing up cause of the drug so I basically just had to wait till it was out of my system. It was a really heavy duty narcotic so obviously I wont be taking it anymore. But I'm really sketch to even take anymore pills cause i just feel like such shit.
And yesterday i had to get 4 freakin needles. And I hate needles.
So when I got to the hospital they took me out of the bed thing and put me in a wheel chair and my wheel chair was beside the bed and they dropped my IV bag and started wheeling me away and pushing the bed the opposite way so the needle started to drag out of my arm and I couldn't talk very loud but I was like "OW, OW, OW" and everyone was looking at me. It was funny though.
So right now I'm still in a lot of pain I just want this to be done with.
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2009 12 February :: 12.54am
:: Mood: aggravated
When I see you, I run out of words to say.
I'm getting frustrated with people trying to tell me what to do.
Or how I feel.
There my feelings, and yes I may not know how I feel but that gives you no right to tell me how I feel.
And stop trying to tell me what to do its annoying and just makes me like you less.
Life is never smooth sailing. I'm not expecting an amazing day at the beach but could the waves stop sinking my ship atleast?
I don't wanna try now.
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theedgeofyouratmosphere
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2009 17 January :: 3.06pm
:: Mood: determined
A lot has been taking place lately, recently moved from bentleyville to weedville..its about 3 1/2 hours away and i miss my friends and family so much. I have family up here but my mother isn't here, which really sucks..she doesn't get to see elise and i don't get to see my sister, Brianna who is 5 1/2 years old..time flys! wow.
I don't really have any friends anymore, i'm a bum who goes on the internet looking for conversation and i feel pitiful sometimes, i just miss being younger when there was no worries, nothing to stand in my way.. I had loads of friends and fun.. but all that is over now, its more reality.. it did just me for the better though, and i love being a mother.
Sometimes i just feel so alone.
Few of my old friends had or is having a baby, and i'm delighted for them i wish them all the best, we all grow up, some just faster than others.
Have you ever wanted to go back into the past? if its just to change somethings or just re-live it? i do to an extent of course, my situations would have been better and decisions of course; more wiser.
I'm jobless for the time being all though i did put applications in, everyone is losing there jobs, getting laid off or getting the hours cut.. Its hard for everyone anymore, the economy is bad.. "Barack Obama" isn't going to make anything any better though.. BUT we will see. hmm.
Lance has a ajob so hes supporting myself and our darling, beautiful child, Elise Renee whom is now a year old. Were doing the best we can and doing it well.. We are so blessed and wouldn't change it any other way. I won't lie i miss a lot of things, but change is good, ya know?
I want to move back to Washington Co., but we will see later in time right now we need to get our priorities straight, in which is coming along great!
We live in a big 4bedroom, 2bathroom white house.. old as hell from 1919 but its cool for now..
Oh!
I think my cat is pregnant her belly is so big, so of course i cater to her i know what its like to be miserable and tired..big fat cow syndrome. lol
had a puppy gave it to a better home, couldn't really afford the cute little things..he was a black lab mixed with american bulldog..so cute i tell ya, i wish him and his new family the best!
had a chocolate siamese cat..he sprayed everywhere out of pure jealously so he got a new home fast! and i didn't want a single penny for him, great house cat.. just wanted the best for him as well.. so its just
elise, lance, myself and bailey(female cat)
were getting by just fine.
i am on a mission to loose this flab and i will continue to do so until something changes in my weight, i'm really pushing myself and it needs to be done.. I'm sick and tired of feeling gross.. i want to be sexy! i look good but i want to be "fine" lol, i'm such a tard.
trying every diet on this planet nothing works for me but i WILL find something!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm determined.
Because i am tired of myself and seeing all these other chicks who give weight loss a bad name. My minds at ease and my spirit is high, i can do this, I WILL DO THIS.
thanks for reading.
tata.
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2009 8 January :: 11.06pm
So my new years has started off to a pretty shitty start.
As of yesterday I am unemployed.
I was suppose to work at 3 on Wednesday and I had been throwing up all day, I couldn't keep any food or water down and I wasn't going to be able to go in. I figured they wouldn't mind because I haven't called in the whole 7 months that i've worked there. So I phone for about half an hour and just couldn't get through no one picked up so I ended up having to go down there to tell them I couldn't work.
I get there and theres nothing there. They took all the movies off the shelves and they took the computer but they didn't take the screen, they took the phone. But they also left lots of the movies in the t.v section as well as a bunch of stuff in the back.
I saw them there Monday and from what I've heard Tuesday morning they had a truck and they were packing everything into it in a hurry.
Now this is the video store i've been going to since I was 9.
As well as I got a better paying job and I gave it up, but if I hadn't it would have fucked them over. And then they do this.
Not to mention they are extremly good at avoiding people.
I've called there house and they just don't answer. The other employee there doesn't know anything either. My boss' cell phone voicemail box is full. And I also still have keys to the place so I went in and left a note and I'm assuming they still haven't came back and read it because its in the exact same spot and nothing else has changed.
They also owe me all my vaccation pay, which has accumulated to quiet a bit. And I'm so pissed because I have expenses and now I am out frantically hunting for a job. Not to mention just after christmas is the worst possible time to be looking for a job, and especially with the economy these days it sucks.
Theres so much I could type about it.
I'm so stressed and angry.
I'm assuming something pretty bad has happend for them to just leave like that. I know they have had problems financially but nothing that would cause that. They could have atleast given me some notice or told me to not bother showing up anymore.
Personally I just think they are fucking pathetic cowards.
And I wish them all the worst because they fucked me over hardcore.
In other news...
I kicked ass at the gym today which was really tough but good :)
And I was driving home, it was dark and I was going down the highway and what do I see in the middle of my lane? A fucking christmas tree. Good thing there wasn't any other cars other than the bus.
Anyways off to bed. I need to be up early to continue my hunt for a job.
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