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2008 11 May :: 10.19pm
The key to moving on and my happiness is new bed sheets.
Send me Your love
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2008 8 May :: 1.57pm
I can't let go.
I'm constantly full of emotion.
I'm so ready to move forward in life and just let go of everything, and I don't understand what's holding me back.
Fear I guess.
I don't want to go through everything again.
But at the same time I just don't want to be here anymore.
I don't know if I can.
Send me Your love
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2008 4 May :: 11.57pm
Wishin' I was by your side...
Friday night was ridiculous.
I went over to Kyles and hung out with Brandon and Tylor.
They huffed glue for like five hours it was awful.
But I had fun just chillin. And then me and Kisa drove to Mcdicks at like 5 in the morning and then went down to the beach to watch the sunrise.
Then we realized that it was cloudy and the sun wasnt going to come up.
I didn't get to sleep until like 6:30 and kept waking up every hour until 9. Called into work obviously and slept until 11.
Then just lazed around until Kisa got her lazy ass ready haha.
We hung out with Brett and Greg and played pool, which I'm terrible at but whatever.
Then we got sleepy so me and Kisa slept in Bretts bed and once we layed down we werent really tired so we sat there and made the wierdest noises. Then Brett joined in and oh man we were laying there for atleast an hour and a half just making fucked up noises.
Finally I took Kisa home around 3 and came home, went to bed. Woke up around 11 and was hella cranky.
All my plans got cancled but later on I went over to Kisa's and we went back to Bretts and Brett, Greg, Kisa and I all went to see Ironman again which was just as good the second time around :)
Good week :)
Send me Your love
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2008 2 May :: 12.32pm
When I'm with you
I'm oh so full of emotion these days.
Send me Your love
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2008 27 April :: 10.34pm
Never let go.
Vancouver sucked ass.
My cousin and her boyfriend fought so much, and they both fight so immature.
Not to mention we didn't even end up doing anything really.
Saturday after I arrived we went to Ikea and Sunday we went to Metrotown. Other than that pretty much just sat around and slept.
And I got no sleep, people were always partying.
It just sucked.
But it's not like being back is much better.
Send me Your love
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2008 18 April :: 4.58pm
Leavin fer Vancouver.
Be back in a week.
Send me Your love
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2008 17 April :: 12.48am
INTERPRETIVE DANCES
- Little Jewish Boy
- Romeo & Juliette
- Hunting Season
- Creatures of the Sea
- Birth
Send me Your love
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theedgeofyouratmosphere
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2008 4 April :: 8.16am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Baby Mozart. on tv.
Update.
Well i had my daughter she was due jan 9th, but came about jan 2nd 8:59am
i'm very happy.. shes 3months now, and shes precious. i love her so much.. she has changed me for the good! and Lance is a great father; so together were a great family. i love both of them and vise versa. Lance started his new job almost 3 weeks ago, i love it.. so he gets paid today! i'm excited to finally have money i have being to poor.. but what sucks is he drives alot and is hardly home.. he works 3am to 1pm sometimes 4pm. i miss makin him breakfast lol. oh well, money money money, gotta pay bills, i plan not to work for awhile i don't trust noone with an infant as of what i always see on the fucking.. tv.. news.. ugh.
i'm on alli, i'm trying to lose weight, i only like 4 lbs so far.. and like 2 inches.. of course i need more. before i got pregnant i was 5'5 and 158 lbs or something, and now i'm atleast more than at lol.. and i liked that weight i was sooo happy! but of course, it was worth it i got my little girl Elise Renee, aw.
but yes! i need to take it off.. i'm trying, i'm having a party tomorrow night, elise is going to grandma's wooo! i'll miss her, but i can't wait to make jello shots..
anyways thats all i'm reporting.
Send me Your love
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2008 2 April :: 2.08am
Everybody gets that way;
I've been getting a lot of anxiety attacks lately.
I finally went back to school today and I saw Kevin and then I had one.
Idk I'm so emotionally fucked.
Then I'm all confused because I like Tyler and Grant. But I'm not ready for anything.
Grant added me on facebook and we talked and then he added me on msn and he said he wanted to hang out saturday and that he would call me tuesday. Well it's tuesday, well not anymore technically but he sent me a txt after work around 10:30ish saying he was home and I should call, but I was at the gym then. So I found out around like 11:40 and I figured it was to late to call him but I did anyways and he sounded so cute and sleepy, but he talked to me for quite awhile but I was on my way to Kyles so after fifteen minutes I figured I should get off the phone but yeah.
And then at Kyles, Tyler came over and Kyle made it so fucking akward, he made up this huge song about how me and Tyler are going to have sex and it was really funny but then I had like another anxiety attack. And yeah, I like Tyler but I'm not ready for anything and I really can't sleep with anyone else unless it means something.
Anyways, I saw Sammy today, I'm soooooo glad shes back :)
But I had a pretty good time with Kisa on the weekend and stuff, I just laugh sooooo much when I'm with her. Shes going to be my grad date :)
Anyways I think I might go see Jesse.
Send me Your love
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2008 31 March :: 4.26pm
I dreamed I was missing.
I keep dreaming about Kevin.
The past five nights I've dreamt about him.
It's making me miserable.
I'm getting really worried about my future and school.
Send me Your love
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2008 25 March :: 1.36am
Never seen the sea;;
Tommorow I'm spending the day with mommy. Were going to catch the bus downtown and go to the museum. I'm really excited.
Tommorow night I'm driving out to granny and papas for dinner, I love them so much.
I feel like change.
& you havent once left my mind.
Send me Your love
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2008 23 March :: 12.17am
Lullabies & Little Spies;
Wow, it's been awhile. I just havent had the motivation to update.
Kevin has a new girlfriend now. It sucks.
I'm doing better though.
I'm constantly finding out new things, hes a huge liar and he fucked that Hannah chick when me and him werent really over yet.
Anyways theres plenty I could elaborate on there but it's not worth it.
Skatings over for the season, it ended last Monday. I will miss it :(
Spring break has been okay. I've worked lots and mostly just hung out with Steph, Jada and Tianna and her boyfriend Jesse.
I wanna go camping sometime soon.
I miss Kisa, she sailing but she'll be back tommorow.
And Sammy is in Disney world, she wont be back for another two weeks. I hella miss her.
Ashley is back but I havent seen her. I could care less at this point because shes made no attempt to see me.
Im still really really depressed and I still really miss Kevin. But I'm managing.
Send me Your love
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2008 13 March :: 4.43pm
I'm living in fucking hell.
Send me Your love
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2008 10 March :: 4.23pm
Your everything I want, your everything I need, yet you just dont fucking get it.
Why the fuck was it so easy for you to just get over it?
Send me Your love
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x-cosmic-sunday-x
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2008 7 March :: 10.17am
& I got the point that I should leave you alone
But we both know that I'm not that strong;
So yesterday I told Kevin I couldn't do it anymore, he really didn't seem to care.
It just seems like we go through a week of it being really bad and then theres one day that it's good.
It's just fucking with my emotions way to much.
I love him, and this has been the hardest thing ive had to do.
He's all I think about, and all I want to do is phone him, but I know he isnt waiting for my call. I'm still hanging on to the slightest hope that he will change his mind. But my hope is slowly running out, thank god.
I wrote this when we first started going out:
Forever is what I see when I look in your eyes
Forever with you I live without disguise
Forever your kiss rests upon my lips
Forever your hands touch my finger tips
Forever with you is everlasting bliss
Forever with you I’m lost in all this
Forever I want to be by your side
Forever I have no secrets to hide
Forever and always will I love you so
Forever and always please don’t ever go
Forever I promise I will always be true
Forever all I want is to be with you
And I meant every word of it. And I wrote this yesterday:
I wish you could understand
How much this is hurting me
I never meant to hurt you
I wish I could make you see
You never try and stop me
And always walk away
And it feels like you never listen
To what I have to say
I can’t sleep or eat
And my body feels the pain
You’re the only thing I think about
And it’s driving me insane
But through all the tears and heartbreak
I still can’t seem to let go
And I’ll never give up or stop loving you
That I want you to know
So I’m sorry that I hurt you
And for what I’ve done and said
But living a life without you
I’d rather as soon be dead
I know there stupid but oh well.
I finally slept last night, I knocked myself out with gravol, I didn't sleep good, but I slept. I still havent been able to eat but I'm not to worried about that.
Right now I just need to surround myself with friends, to bad I don't really have any, other than Sammy, but shes going through a lot right now to. And I have Kisa but shes usually busy.
It's funny because when I broke up with Kyle and Joel, Kevin was always there for me, so it makes this really difficult.
That being said, I don't think he's the person I thought he was. He is pretty much just like every other guy. I know I hurt him, but at some point you just need to be willing to move on and get over it.
And the past three weeks have been hell trying to make it up to him. And hes hurt me a lot during those three weeks, and i'm still willing to fight for a relationship with him, because I thought it meant more than just some stupid highschool drama, but I guess not.
Send me Your love
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