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2004 25 October :: 9.20 pm
I have come to the realization that I am clinicly depressed. I have major depression, and am not going to get help. I know, if I want to get better I need to get help, but I don't want to tell my mom that I am depressed. I do want to be happy, nothing makes me happy anymore, and if it does, it's only for a very short while. I hate feeling like this and wish I didn't. God, why me? WHy now, why can't it happen to someone else? Why can't my mom be more understanding of me? I guess I'm going to go now. Enough of my rant.
1 Rusty Razor |
Cut me |
::
2004 14 May :: 8.16 am
:: Mood: upset and sick
I love him. I want him. I just want to be in his arms and stay there forever. God I'm pathetic. I better go.
9 Rusty Razors |
Cut me |
::
2004 12 May :: 8.06 am
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: Mr. Japinga talking
it's been awhile since I have updated this so I guess I'll do it for US History. Nothing much is going on righ now. Just doing research on Vietnam and Iraq. Comparing the two wars. It's fun I guess. Well, I'm going to go now and do some research. I may be back later this morning.
Cut me |
::
2004 16 April :: 11.57 pm
I had a date with David today. I took him out to dinner and he took me out to a movie. We saw Hellboy. It's a really good movie. I love him so much. I don't know what to write I'm that speechless. Well, I'm going to go now. Beth is here and is spending the night.
1 Rusty Razor |
Cut me |
::
2004 14 April :: 8.38 pm
:: Mood: very very tired
:: Music: none
Well, I was told yesterday that my brother and sister-in-law are going to have a healthy baby boy. YAY! Last time they had a girl Victoria Grace but she had a lot of developmental problems. Her organs weren't developing and she had a severe heart defect. Only 1 in 800 babies get this and they usually never survive. She would have lived 48 hours after birth and if she would have survived she would have been a vegetable all her life. It was also going to be dangerous for Amanda. So, even though some people might not agree with this, they terminated the pregnancy. But now she's 20 weeks along and my nephew is healthy! I'm so excited. In September there will be a new addition to the family. WEEEE!!!!
Oh yeah I almost forgot....I am VERY taken now. *big smile and blushes*
I love you David.
Cut me |
::
2004 13 April :: 9.37 pm
There's No "I" In Team
Well I can't regret,
can't you just forget it?
I started something I couldn't finish
And if we go down,
we go down together
best friends means,
well best friends means
And I've got a twenty-dollar bill
that says you're up late night starting
fist fights versus fences in your backyard
Wearing your black eye like a badge of honor
Soaking in sympathy
from friends who never loved you
nearly half as much as me
Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's something unforgivable...ohoh
Well I can't regret,
can't you just forget it?
I started something I couldn't finish
If we go down,
we go down together
best friends means,
well best friends means
You never knew
well i never told you...
Everything I know about breaking hearts
I learned from you, it's true
I've never done it with the style and grace you have
But I've made long term plans
based on these mistakes
Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's something unforgivable
Is this what you call tact?
I swear you're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back
so let's end this call,
and end this conversation
there's nothing worse...
(that's right he said, that's right he said it)
I swear, you have no idea
The jealousy that became me thinking
(that's right he said)
that you always had it way too easy
Broken down in bars and bathrooms
All I did was what I had to
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's just what anyone would do
Take the time to talk about it
Think a lot and live without it
Don't believe me when I tell you
it's something unforgivable
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friends means I pulled the trigger
Best friends means you get what you deserve
Best friend thinks I pulled the trigger!!!
Best friend thinks you get what you deserve!!!
Cut me |
::
2004 13 April :: 9.33 pm
Your Own Disaster
Just think of this and me
as just a few of many things
to lie around
to clutter up your shelves
And I wish you weren't worth the wait
because there's some thing's
I'd like to say to you...
I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
Cuz I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
I dare you to forget
those marks you left
across my neck
from those nights when we were both
found at our best
I could make this obvious,
and you, you could deny me
all in one breath
you could shrug me off
your shoulders...
I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
Cuz I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
Hey, lush, have fun
It's the weekend
Hey, lush, have fun
Hey, lush, have fun
It's the weekend
Hey, lush, have fun
I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
I don't think that
you know what
you've been missing
Just forget me
it's that simple
Just forget me
it's that simple
Cut me |
::
2004 13 April :: 9.21 pm
:: Music: Something Corporate- Konstantiine
Konstantine
I can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
when the lights are turned down low
and I don't understand all the things you've seen
but i'm slipping inbetween
you and your big dreams
it's always you
in my big dreams
and you tell me that it's over
wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover
and your restless, and i'm naked
you've gotta get out
you can't stand to see me shaking
no
could you let me go?
I didn't think so
and you don't wanna be here in the future
so you say the present's just a pleasent interruption to the past
and you don't wanna look much closer
cuz your afraid to find out all this hope
you had sent into the sky by now had crashed
and it did
because of me
and then you bring me home
afraid to find out that you're alone
and i'm sleeping in your living room
we don't have much room to live
I had these dreams that i learned to play guitar
maybe cross the country
become a rock star
and there was hope in me that i could take you there
but dammit you're so young
well i don't think i care
and if i hurt you
then i'm sorry
please don't think that this was easy
then you bring me home
cuz we both know what it's like to be alone
and i'm dreaming in your living room
we don't have much room to live
and konstantine is walking down the stairs
doesn't she look good
standing in her underwear
and i was thinking
what i was thinking
we've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere
my Konstantine came walking down the stairs
and all that i could do is touch her long blonde hair
and i've been thinking
it hurts me thinking that these nights
when we were drinking no they never got us anywhere
no
this is because i can spell konfusion with a k
and i like it
it's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it
it's to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car
but this time im alone and I dont see those stars
I'm not your star
isn't that what you said
what you thought this song meant
and if this is what it takes
just to lie in my mistakes
and live with what i did to you
and all the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock
it's 11:11
and now you want to talk
it's not hard to dream
you'll always be my konstantine
konstantine, they'll never hurt you like i do
no they'll never hurt you like i do
no, no, no no no no no no
this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
hey
you know
you keep me up in bed
this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the fucked up things i did
hey
maybe
baby
you could keep me up in bed
my Konstantine
spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen
and i said
did you know i missed you? [x7]
oh god i miss you
and then you bring me home
and we'll go to sleep, but this time, not alone, no no
and you'll kiss me in your living room
i know
you'll miss me in your living room
cuz these nights i think maybe that i'll miss you in my living room
we don't have much room
i said does anybody need that room?
because we all need a little more room
to live
my Konstantine
Cut me |
::
2004 11 April :: 12.05 pm
I got to spend time with David yesterday!!! YAY! He's coming over for Easter today too...woohoo!! I'm so happy! I'll write more later.
Cut me |
::
2004 10 April :: 5.34 pm
:: Mood: VERY HAPPY
Jumping for Joy
I get to see him. YAY! *dances* You have absolutely no idea how happy I am.
Cut me |
::
2004 8 April :: 9.11 pm
Missing Him
I miss him. I miss him so much that I start crying every time I see a couple. I can't wait until I see him again soon. Only a few more days.
Cut me |
::
2004 7 April :: 10.35 pm
:: Mood: lonely
I miss him. I want him here so badly. He’s so far away. Hopefully his mom won’t be a bitch and will let him come over on Saturday after they get home. Even if it’s just for a little while it’ll make me so happy. Today was ok for me I guess. No fawz means no fighting. What a relief. He’s making up stories about my parents to Beth and she’s getting frustrated with them. I hate when he does that. It makes me so mad. Anyway…
Gosh if only I had him here. To touch his face, feel his lips on mine, his hand gently rubbing my back, and to just feel his warm embrace when I first see him again. Heaven….I’ll be in heaven. We have the whole week for next week planned out. We’re going to go to Walgreen’s Monday morning to shop for stuff. I can’t stop thinking about him. I never thought that I could love someone like this again. I love him so much, but I’m so afraid of hurt. Of hurting him, of getting hurt anything that has to do with a relationship and hurt and well…I’m afraid of it. I wish I had more time with him. I only get an hour and 16 minutes with him during school then he has to go to the Math and Science Center. He picks me up after school but I only get a half an hour or so there. The only time I get a few hours is when his mom decides to let him come over for the evening one day a week. I hold that time with him as I do any other time so dearly. It flies by so fast. Too fast. I just want more time, but that is something I will never get for a long time.
Yesterday was fun. Beth and I went to the mall and shopped for a little while. Then we went to Barnes and Noble bought a couple frappechinos and then read some books. Lol. Those books were very educational. I’m going to go now though. Maybe Fawz will share the damn computer and I will be able to get online. Yeah I wrote this journal entry on Microsoft Works first. Later.
Cut me |
::
2004 7 April :: 1.05 pm
Your body is light. Yoou are giving, understanding
and you give advise out like mosquitos give out
bites. People love you and you love them back.
EVERYONE loves you...everyone except for the
darks. You are enemies with the dark, but you
respect them anyway. You are a big person and
your will find much in your life. Dammit...I
sound like a fucking fortune cookie..ignore
me--Your special name is Male: Sevian
Female:Haylorie You are most compatible with
water becuase you both have a love for helping
people.
What element is your body? Also, what body you are compatible with and your special names!Includes beautiful pics.
brought to you by Quizilla
Cut me |
::
2004 5 April :: 8.48 pm
:: Mood: chipper
Spring Break is going by too slowly. I'm bored and I misses me David. Man, you never really realize how much you love someone until their gone somewhere else for a while. *sigh* I guess I have my second chance too. That makes me so happy! I mean now I finally have someone to love me the way that I love them! YAY!!!! I have to go....Beth is spending the night and I'm going with her somewhere. Bye!
I wovs you David and I wovs woo ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
ttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
ttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
sssss much!
Cut me |
::
2004 3 April :: 6.09 pm
:: Mood: enraged
NO FUCKING WAY WILL I EVER FORGIVE YOU
FORGIVE YOU?! HELL FUCKING NO! THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL! YOU RUINED MY LIFE WHILE PRETENDING TO BE MY FRIEND! WHY? YOU MADE ME WANT TO END MY LIFE. I EVEN TRIED TO BECAUSE OF YOU! AND YOU WANT ME TO FORGIVE YOU?! HAHAHAHAHAAAAA! I SERIOUSLY LAUGH AT THAT AND AM SO FUCKING ENRAGED THAT YOU WOULD ASK FOR SUCH A THING AS FORGIVENESS! YOU DO NOT DESERVE FORGIVENESS! YOU DON'T DESERVE A LOT! YOU ARE A BACKSTABBER! YOU TELL ME IM GOING TO HELL AND THAT NO ONE LOVES ME AND RUIN MY LIFE AND THEN TELL ME YOU AREN'T TALKING ABOUT ME AND WANT TO BE MY FRIEND. I TRUST YOU, YOU TURN AROUND AND RUIN ME AND HURT ME EVEN MORE, AND CONTINUE TO DO IT BEHIND MY BACK! NO WAY WILL YOU EVER BE FORGIVEN! GO FUCK YOURSELF! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO AS LONG AS MY NAME DOES NOT COME INTO WHAT YOU ARE DOING. MY NAME IS NOT TO COME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH AGAIN! AND IF IT DOES. YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR WORST FUCKING NIGHTMARE. SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE AND NEVER, AND I MEAN NEVER DO ANYTHING TO ME AGAIN! OTHERWISE THINGS WILL GET UGLY AND YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE ME WHEN I'M LIKE THIS.
*tips hat* Have a nice day.....
2 Rusty Razors |
Cut me |
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