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2014 16 May :: 5.35 pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: phish - free
oh my god
SO i fucking found this journal after all these years. life is wayyyy crazy. ive had some amazing times living in colorado...no girlfriend at the time but ive had some great relationships over the years. one of my biggest regrets in life was cheating on my gf amanda in high school. i really did love her...fucking alcohol and my dumb drunk ass ruined such a good thing. im so sorry amanda, i know youre married now and probably couldn't care less about me being sorry. but it was on of the biggest mistakes i ever made. i miss lauren so much...we havent talked in like 8 years or something. i still love her though, strange how you can love someone even though you havent seen them in about 10 years. i will love you till the day i die. sam - i wonder where you are in life now...its been so long since we talked. you were such a good friend to me and i treated you like shit...im sorry. briannna is married too now, shes got a cool hubby and her life seems pretty supreme. So im 27 now. Its so weird going back and reading my journal entries...i was such a confused teenager hahaha. At least I can laugh at myself now. My life now isn't that exciting...depression had consumed my soul...although im starting to find beauty in the smaller things in life. Someday I will meet the girl of my dreams and life wont be so lonely. I love everyone who ever posted on my journal and looked out for me. I love my friends I have and really miss the ones I used to have. Evan, Igor, Vadim, Colin, Jacob, Emily...and so many more. I hope life is treating you guys well. Well I'll keep fighting for the life I have. Its been one hell of a ride friends. I love you all. Life is quite the mystery.
blown |
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2009 29 October :: 11.53 am
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: bright eyes - a spindle a darkness a fever
space
this world is a lie my life is but that of a fly.
i keep searching for a sweetness but no where does it lie.
life to short to be stuck in such a hole
when its depths have no end
it seems impossible to tell
whether youll ever get out of this hell
blooming flowers are a distant vision
summer days pass without notice
i hope better days will come.
blown |
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2006 29 December :: 5.01 am
im letting my life and my ways spin out of control and the sad thing is i know this...and i continue to watch myself slowly fade away. i have no connections with my mom brother and sister. my dad and i get along but we dont talk much. my friends are all i have and im so stupid that i dont hang out with the friends that truly matter to me...i dont know what it is going to take for me to change this life im living cause i know its no good. ive lost interest....in just about everything. except getting messed up. its not that i hate myself...i just hate the way i am about things. one thing im sure of is that if i found the right girl for me i would settle down and feel alright with myself because i have someone every night. im afraid that ive passed by my chance to be with the perfect girl for me...but i know this cant be true. damnit this sucks. i need something solid. something real. pure.
blown |
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2006 14 September :: 1.59 am
:: Mood: drunk
:: Music: david bowie - life on mars
oh how I love this town- this year has been amazing already- i found a girl that I love- and many others that I dont - but still want to hang out with- i swear im not a whore but I just like females cause they are straight sexy. especially the ones that talk dirty in the heat of the moment- that shit is fucking amazing- it drives me wild. oh sarah, you drive me wild
blown |
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2006 5 June :: 12.36 pm
i wake up to hear that my mom is engaged
and then i got a message bitching me out for my facebook info. WOW
blown |
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2006 5 June :: 1.15 am
:: Music: silence
subjects
im really not that different
i wish you could hear what i really am saying
because then you could know what i really mean
and all i really mean is to be good to people
and not treat them bad so that in turn they will be good to me
but somewhere i fell out of the tree
and now im stuck with the image everyone will see
i am the piece of the puzzle that you can't seem to find
i went to an open house today
its nice to remember such good people
i miss emily r
shes so cool
blown |
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2006 23 April :: 8.16 pm
wow ive had this journal for about 4 years now and to think i created it because of a girl. it pretty much covers my entire high school expierence. thats sweet.
2 suck |
blown |
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2006 7 April :: 3.20 pm
so i meet this really cute girl named meredith and then i got really drunk and passed out and we werent able to hang out now she thinks im worthless im sure of it. its up to me nowww. i wish it didnt have to be this hard.
blown |
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2006 17 March :: 12.55 pm
the good news is that im going to be okay, i just feel mentally retarded for the time being. the bad news is that im still having dreams about a certain somebody that i really shouldnt at all be having. like my whole dream revolved around her. i mean really what the hell. get over it zach.
blown |
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2006 16 March :: 1.09 pm
yo so i just spent the last couple of days in panama city and it was a great time although the first day there i was really drunk and a wave smashed me head first into the ocean floor and gave me a minor/mild concusion. my head has hurt for 3 days now and whenever i move faster than a walk or move my head to fast it starts pounding real bad. so im going to the doctor to find out if i have have some internal bleeding in about 30 minutes. i hope for the best which = not death
blown |
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2006 15 February :: 1.40 am
i want to write a book about my life so far but ive yet to decide if anyone would want to read it or not.
1 suck |
blown |
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2006 6 February :: 1.55 am
:: Music: pink floyd echoes
oh man
everything is so atmosphere dependent
im so tired
i have a hard time believing in myself
its my weakness
who wants this insufficient self
and no one sings me lullabies
and no one makes me close my eyes
and so I throw the windows wide
and call to you across the sky
blown |
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2006 30 January :: 2.48 pm
i went to church my entire life until i was 17 and I dont believe in god. the thing that deters me so is the fact that religion tells people that their life here on earth is meaningless, and that the afterlife is really all that matters. well i say fuck that because your life is now, its happening right now, and no matter how much you pray to your god, you wont be able to hide from the reality of it.
blown |
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2006 8 January :: 1.28 pm
:: Music: the arcade fire
every time i close my eyes
last night i wanted to fall asleep and never wake up
now that im awake i dont know where i want to be
maybe just in the arms of someone that loved me
but even a thing like love does not last
its just a phase everyone will pass
soon they will love someone elses ass
and throw yours in the trash
so i live in my dreams
and forget what the real world seems
yes the fantasy life is for me
i found life, lost in a dream
and right now its where i want to be
blown |
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2006 8 January :: 2.39 am
my mind wont leave me be
i try to sleep but i cant
take a sleeping pill
fuck that take 2 or 3
just take me somewhere else but here
i feel so alone in whats left of this home
a man i am suppose to be
butat night i cry until i fall asleep
im not who i thought id be
i just wish id find someone who would save me
blown |
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