::
2011 9 June :: 7.44pm
:: Music: Eisley- Smarter
dreaming with a broken heart
sometimes i wonder if i am always going to feel empty inside. I wonder if too much honesty is a bad thing. I wonder if i will ever find my inner peace. its all wondering, constant searching and contemplating and i feel as though I am just parading around like one of those poor horses at the fair- wandering in this dismal circle of sadness for the rest of my life.
Is it because I have too much empathy, compassion, hope for mankind, hope for myself?
Sometimes I can feel things that aren't there and I wonder if it is some invisible being trying to comfort me... a stroke of a finger down my cheek-- an embrace that couldn't be possible-- nothing makes sense.
how do you fight to hold on to something that was only an illusion to start? how do you believe in yourself when all the confidence you ever had walked out so long ago that you can't be sure you ever had it?
I just wish I could find happy... but it's always been such a fleeting idea. I've spent so long having to hide myself to make everyone else happy that somedays I wake up and I don't even know who the person is that is looking back at me.
Then again...
maybe I just have to face the facts, I never did heal oh so long ago and perhaps ever since childhood I have just been destined to be damaged goods. world you truly are a cruel, hateful place. we were never meant to be with each other-- you with your malice and me with my heart on my sleeve. and though i try so very hard my poor heart just wants love that for all i know will never be there, after all it rarely had been up until now.
oh bollox. i might as well just give up.
What makes me happy about Jack Johnson is simply that there is no underlying theme I have to take into account in his music. It's pretty straightforward, and who can really be unhappy when thinking about sex and pancakes?
It took a sec to decide, but I think this is really the song I've loved by them the most, and seeing as how I've loved this band more than any other over the years I assume that that makes it my favorite song... I guess...
This is going to be largely for Chris. However, for the sake of my ego, I'm going to assume you all cannot wait for another day to go by.
Open up so I can feed you baby birds.
Day 01 - Your favorite song
Day 02 - Your least favorite song
Day 03 - A song that makes you happy
Day 04 - A song that makes you sad
Day 05 - A song that reminds you of someone
Day 06 - A song that reminds you of somewhere
Day 07 - A song that reminds you of a certain event
Day 08 - A song that you know all the words to
Day 09 - A song that you can dance to
Day 10 - A song that makes you fall asleep
Day 11 - A song from your favorite band
Day 12 - A song from a band you hate
Day 13 - A song that is a guilty pleasure
Day 14 - A song that no one would expect you to love
Day 15 - A song that describes you
Day 16 - A song that you used to love but now hate
Day 17 - A song that you hear often on the radio
Day 18 - A song that you wish you heard on the radio
Day 19 - A song from your favorite album
Day 20 - A song that you listen to when you're angry
Day 21 - A song that you listen to when you're happy
Day 22 - A song that you listen to when you're sad
Day 23 - A song that you want to play at your wedding
Day 24 - A song that you want to play at your funeral
Day 25 - A song that makes you laugh
Day 26 - A song that you can play on an instrument
Day 27 - A song that you wish you could play
Day 28 - A song that makes you feel guilty
Day 29 - A song from your childhood
Day 30 - Your favorite song at this time last year
Day 15 - A song that describes you
this took way too long to find. i like it though. practice practice practice until you get it right. then practice some more. i like the bass drum rolls, these guys are dialed in.
nothing fancy, but CLEAN. this is probably why i don't have friends. turns out it's hard to find drumline videos on youtube with match grip. but i still like what they have going on here. never thought i'd miss high school so much.
Day 13 - A song that is a guilty pleasure
i have a dancing plethora of guilty pleasures. i knew it either had to be jazz (which nobody else likes), country (which i typically don't like), or chick music. chick music was the obvious one, but i still had a hard time deciding, because i really kinda like chick music, as long as it's not just being that for the sake of attention.
and jewel's a fox. funky teeth and all, i'd do her in a heartbeat.
Day 12 - A song from a band you hate
i don't care that it's catchy, which it is. i care that it's uninventive, redundant, and i've heard it a kajillion times. they raped grunge rock for the money, and successfully sold out to the man, sacrificing the art form in the process. the worse part is, so few people noticed.
Day 10 - A song that makes you fall asleep
okay, so anything worth listening to is going to probably keep me awake. if i really want something to put me to sleep it better be mindless, chill, and familiar. this is at least two of those, and far from mindless. brubeck was pure unadulterated genius at its finest.
no idea what the video is about, but the audio is from an album called "brubeck plays brubeck", which i have fallen asleep to many a time. piano jazz is always a good call if you're looking to calm the fuck down.
well, since we already established that i can't dance, this one doesn't really work.
all i know is this groove makes my pants tight. if it doesn't at least make you tap your foot or nod your head or jiggle around in your chair or something, call a doctor, you may be broken.
Refuses to give up. I'm SO close. I just can't let it go. So maybe I fucked up, I have to do this..otherwise everything I've worked for will be for nothing.
Graduating will mean everything to me.
I don't care if I have to move to Alaska for grad school. I will knock down doors until somebody lets me in. I want to help people, it's what makes me want to live. It gives me purpose and meaning in my life.
I WILL be something. I am a smart person, I can't just give up and work at the casino for the rest of my life. I need to push through these hard times. Maybe this is what will change my life around for the better.
When I think of my future, I know what I want, and it's not living in a dumpy college apartment, struggling to make ends meet living paycheck to paycheck.