The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

:: 2011 14 April :: 8.27am

You're So Vague - Queens of the Stone Age
"Girl I think I love you and the mess you made."

tuwang

:: 2011 6 April :: 3.25pm

It's nice out... but it's still cold in this house. WTF.

I hate old people.

I want a "real" job.

:: 2011 31 March :: 10.06am

Queens of The Stone Age - The Bronze

I've been waiting
Waiting under things
That rise in the morning
I've been holding
Holding back so long
You can own it
Take it off my hands
Do me a favor
Nothin wasted
Just fingerfucked and
Busted up all at once

I'm so lost out on the highway
With no direction left to go
Everyday sit up and wonder
Where it was I started from

The more you've found
The less you've been around

:: 2011 30 March :: 9.47am

How long do you stick your neck out till it gets severed off?

m&ms487

:: 2011 28 March :: 8.21pm

So...update.

Graduate school is easy. I started in January. So much less crap than undergrad ever was. With that being said, it's getting to the crunch time of the semester that I haven't quite prepared for because I've been busy doing stuff such as:

1. Working at the Writing Center 15 hours/week
2. Organizing a huge fundraiser for the Theodore Roethke House in Saginaw
3. Presenting at the Eastern Central Writing Centers Association Conference
4. Presenting at the Michigan Women's Studies Association Conference
5. Founding and hosting meetings of Anarchists without Adjectives
6. Applying for Teach for America
7. Applying for a graduate assistantship position to teach English 101 next year
8. Sleeping
9. Planning
10. Blogging

Between now and April 9th, I have a presentation and a 15-20 page paper to write for one class. Between now and May 1, I have a 12 page paper, a presentation, and several smaller assignments to complete. Oh, and probably about 2,000 pages of reading. Eh.

The library is my home skillet.

:: 2011 28 March :: 11.54am

gettin' pushed around by the county, glad I'm done with Jury Duty.

it's fuckin' stupid

:: 2011 27 March :: 11.05am

Always WINNING!

:: 2011 24 March :: 2.57pm

I'm too fucking grizzled and stubborn to stay down for too long.

:: 2011 24 March :: 8.56am

life is making me not happy.
and yes, i have friends that are getting just as much crap life and more than me, but i feel like I am at the breaking point.

Maybe I've never been that strong... or maybe it just isn't worth it anymore.

:: 2011 20 March :: 7.00pm

Waiting, this is painful. Sometimes you just have to roll those dice and see how they land.

spud

:: 2011 19 March :: 12.27am
:: Mood: party-mode
:: Music: bob marley - all in one

at least it was the 18th when i started writing....
So, I'm deeming the first fire of the year a success. I mean, it was on fire, but the rest of the neighborhood didn't catch. I typically consider that a success.

I'd rather brush the fact that it was just me by myself out there under the rug. But even still, it was nice. The moon was big and bright, which made it fun.

I got to work outside today, which was nice. Nothing like swingin' a hammer in the fresh air.

That's about it. I've been pretty lame lately.

Be safe, and stay classy, kiddos.

p.s. I made a fried egg sandwich. It was delicious.

jayzulla

:: 2011 5 March :: 3.25am

I really love this girl.

:: 2011 4 March :: 2.28pm

WINNING

:: 2011 23 February :: 11.08am

I'm a grown ass man.

fishyrere

:: 2011 22 February :: 11.10am

I am moving to Chicago in April! April cannot come soon enough.

spud

:: 2011 18 February :: 2.12am
:: Mood: relaxed

i'm making 'omnanimously' a word, and that's the end of it.
So, i'm on vacation with my family. We go to the k-mart in Petoskey. Not my decision, but in the interest of caving to the more forceful individuals involved, that's where I wound up.

My dad gives me spending money (it would've been much better spent on the slopes, but that wasn't in the cards, apparently. So, I still haven't spent it.), which in and of itself is both sad and cool. With what money I brought up with me, I buy a soda. A 20-ounce bottle of pop. The lady at the register asks me if I have a k-mart rewards card. I have to sound all stupid, and ask her to repeat herself because she's one of those soft talkers. You know the ones. I'm half deaf, because i'm getting over a sinus infection, and i've spent several sessions in the last 24 hours submerged in either a hot tub or a pool. Since I can't fucking be skiing. would you like to sign up for a rewards card? I'm sorry, what was that? Do you want to sign up for one? No, thanks. And in my head, there's a battle raging between the logical part of me that's thinking 'she doesn't know that I never go to k-mart, probably won't again for a long long time, and the only reason i'm here in the first place is because i'm from out of town,' and the other part that's saying 'lady, I don't have one already, and i'm just buying a fucking soda!'. Alright, that'll be a dollar sixty-nine. I didn't actually hear what she said, but I knew it was more than a dollar, but less than two, and deduced the rest from the change.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Just a fun fact (or an FF. See what I did there? I shortened it. Which is automatically more cool. Or cooler. See? Shortened again! Damn, i'm cool), this stems from a game of phone tag that i'm currently in.

I am fascinated, at least for the moment, with the phenomenon of being 'it'. Like, how would you describe being it? (again, short=cool) Defining 'it' is easy, but describing it is nigh on impossible. You're in a position of some singular importance, but at the same time it's something you try to avoid. I guess it all stems from the simplicity of the game. It is competition in its most sublime, simplified form. Still, the human mind needs some context; some rules. Granted, they're basic: if the person who's it touches you, you become the person who's it - The game begins with whoever initiates contact and calls someone else it - Anyone who chooses to join in is potentially it. Them's the rules. Then why is that sensation so difficult to pin down? We all know it (at least, anyone who has ever played tag. Which I omnanimously declare to be everyone), and yet it remains so difficult to put to words. You're either chasing, or being chased, and taking it in turns. And the game is pretty much over when the person who's it gives up, and nobody else in the game decides to take up the mantle.

In some ways, I wish phone tag were more like the game of my youth. Regardless, I still hate being 'it'.

gillette

:: 2011 15 February :: 7.10pm

Why? Because I want to better myself

What has gone well? Hmmm, hard question, I guess my attitude towards getting better, I've decided I want change.

What has not gone well? The past couple of years (parts of them anyway)

How do (did) I feel? I feel in between right now. Not great, but not bad, I'd like to strive for great. I want to feel happy.

What do I fear? I'm afraid of being unhappy someday. I'm afraid of not getting into grad school so I can accomplish my goal of becoming an SLP.

What motivates me? I'm motivated by my family and by my drive to give myself and my family a good life someday.

What are my goals? To graduate with my bachelors, then masters, and marry someone who is loving and fun and who makes me happy. I want to be an SLP and help others, that will make my life worth living for.

What do I want for my life? I want to inspire and help others, but I also want to be happy for myself and with my life. I want to sit down on the couch and feel that I've accomplished my goals and feel happy about my choices in life.

What do I value? I value my family. I value my heart. I value people who listen. I value kind strangers. I value my friends who are there for me. I value my right to choose in more ways than one. I value people who are positive.

What am I really good at? I'm good at listening and caring for others when they're down. I feel like I've a very empathetic person and always want to fix others problems.

What is challenging for me? Right now, a lot. It's challenging for me to go to class, it's challenging for me to get out of the apartment and do things I need to do. It's challenging for me to eat right/exercise.

How do other people see me? It depends. Some people may see me as a kind, funny hard working person. Others may see me as a worn out, angry person who has given up. The first one is really me.

What do I enjoy? I enjoy the sunshine. I love the beach and the fresh air and the sand. I love driving with the windows down and smelling the country! I enjoy being with my family and dogs and laughing a lot. I enjoy tanning, relaxing with candles lit and smiling. I enjoy going for walks near the water and being around nice people.

Where am I dissatisfied in my life? I'm dissatisfied with my lack of motivation. I need to figure out how to change that. It angers me when I skip class b/c I have no motivation to get off the couch and go. I guess I just need to remember that I feel better about myself when I do go.

Where do I get energy from? Usually coffee or an energy drink, but I should work to change that to something more natural like exercise etc..

What takes energy away from me? Being depressed, it takes everything away from me, my energy included.

How do I most want to contribute to others? In a couple of years, I want to give people their voice. Their voice to communicate with others which is so important in this world.

What do I love to do? Good question, ... I love to laugh. I love playing with my dogs. I love accomplishing little things throughout the day.

When do I feel alive? I feel most alive when I've helped someone and I can walk away knowing their life is better because of something I could do for them, small or big.

When do I feel the most "natural"? After I get out of the shower and have washed off all the makeup and my hair is curly and wet and it's just me. Nothing to hide behind at that point.

To be continued..
What do I hesitate to admit about myself?
Where am I meeting resistance right now?
What do I most want to create?
If I was brave, what would I do?
What are my dreams?
What are my best gifts?
What have I always wanted to try?

3 wishful thinkers | worst intentions

jayzulla

:: 2011 15 February :: 2.18am

I neglect woohu so much. I am sorry.

:: 2011 8 February :: 10.58am
:: Music: Presidents of the USA- lump

I am starting to think in a year from now I might not have any option but divorce.
I won't go into right now, because I have too much to do, but I sincerely am starting to just not give a damn about him.
Maybe I should have had the song as Elton John The Bitch is Back.

Also, I am seriously thinking about only writing my statuses as lines from songs from here on out. I feel like my emotions are starting to refreeze. Lord save us If I am returning to be the bitch I was in HS.

.j.e.s.s.

:: 2011 4 February :: 11.30pm

I feel lost like theres no real fit for me completely. My whole plan I've had my entire life may never pan out and so I'm just living day by day wondering if my life plan will ever come true.

I was so sure my whole life that I never once questioned it. Now who knows.

I also feel taken advantage of and under appreciated.

And maybe related, maybe not, I've been so paranoid lately it's unbearable. Especially when driving,i feel like I'm going to get in an accident at least once a minute. If someones following too close or hits the brakes too suddenly my whole body tenses up. Car wrecks play in my head the whole drive and I pull on my seat belt to tighten it throughout the drive. At night i feel like someone is in my back seat, which I've always checked for but usually just once, at the beginning of the drive, not 4 times throughout, turning on the light to check and even feeling like I feel someone breathing on my neck from the back seat.
I'm having a harder and harder time getting up during the night to pee or let the dogs out without being power petrified that my nightmare about the man behind my shower curtain trying to kill me isn't real. I can't open the curtain to check bc I'm so sure hes there.
These new developments on top of the always present anxiety and stomach upset every morning before work thats been going on for 8 months makes my life a lotta fun right now.

:: 2011 4 February :: 5.34pm

lets fucking bitch me out for everything i say and do.

:: 2011 3 February :: 5.08pm

i have zero motivation for life. my plants are all dying because there is no sun, my husband has no problem acting like i am being neurotic because he isn't returning my calls and I really could care less about school right now.
I am so sick of having to just drop money that isn't here and buy totally random shit for class that I will never use again.

I ought to get a job, but right now I am feeling so down on myself that it is pretty much impossible to "sell" myself to even get an f-ing job. I feel like my whole life I have just slipped between the cracks because I was never worth noticing and what the hell can i even do to change it? It all seems pretty lame if you ask me. I need motivation... something. give me one damn thing to look forward to please. I can't even turn up the music and rock out because I can't get new music. everything is just dumbed down, built up crap anymore. ugh.
wish i could go by some damn motivation... or something of the like.

:: 2011 28 January :: 10.49am

Kyuss and early Queens of the Stone Age

4 wishful thinkers | worst intentions

spud

:: 2011 18 January :: 2.08am
:: Music: SuperLibrary - it continues to grow

so.... you hit it and then it works?
yes. yes it does.

so, i live on a cul-de-sac (which is a word i despise, but there really is no other word for it...). at the very end is a path that leads to the school behind the house. by the path are a fire hydrant and a streetlamp. now, for the past year or so, the light wouldn't always turn on automatically. sometimes you'd have to kick it, nudge it, whatever you felt like doing in order to jostle the thing to life. now, at first it was just every once in awhile. then it got to be once a month. still a novelty at this point, as i spend a lot of time visiting with the neighbors across the path, and he would usually beat me to it. but eventually it got to be once a week.... then every fucking day. that got old for him (i was excited to have a fighting chance to be the first one to kick it), so he called up the township or whoever is in charge of maintaining the lights (yay 'burb life) and asked them to come fix it. they say yeah, sure, first thing.

about a month later he calls them back, reminding them of their promise to fix the damn thing... he even has the file number they gave him from the first call he made so she could look it up. she said the number didn't really matter. okay, whatever. "but yeah, someone needs to get out here to fix this soon. i'm getting sick of kicking it."
"i'm sorry? what seems to be the problem with it?"
"well, it doesn't turn on when it gets dark, so you have to hit the pole so it turns on."
"so, you hit it, and it comes on."
"yes ma'am, i'm not pulling your leg. it really turns on when i kick it."
"huh. you sure?"
"yup."
"alrighty, well i'll send someone out within the week. your file number is 1928340987-"
"-i thought you said the number didn't matter."
"oh. well, yeah, right. you have a good day then."
"thanks, you too."

i'm only semi-bullshitting the conversation there. it's not verbatim but that's the gist of what he described to me.

i just didn't realize that hitting things to make them work could be so foreign to somebody. it's like, the first thing i do. not violently. just to see if there's a bad connection or something. i guess maybe she was just surprised that hitting it actually worked. she must have a bad track record of hitting things and having them remain woefully unmended or something. guess i've got the magic touch.

all i know is, about a month ago they finally fixed the blasted thing, and now it's brighter than blazes all effing night long out there. it seriously hurts my eyes to look out the window. and it's got this weird pinkish hue to it. i almost liked the broken one better.

see what i mean? bright.

-----------------------------

in other news, i'm still a sagittarius, pluto's still a fucking planet, and triceratops is still the most badass herbivore this side of the big bang. the bce/ce from bc/ad didn't bother me as much. i mean, change typically comes slowly for me, if at all, so i still use the old ones, but i don't mind seeing the new ones because of the unholy ruckus the bible-bangers made about it. if you're too shortsighted to see that changing the name of something doesn't change the thing itself, then i really don't care about whatever got your panties in a bunch. we need some way to measure time. the modern world is too fast paced for people to say "year of our lord twenty-hundred and eleven." and the documentation on christ's life and when exactly that was is a little ... spotty. science demanded a more precise measurement, for whatever sciency things it is there doing in there. as long as they don't burn the place down i guess i'll let them stay. until i get pissed about whatever they pry from my unwilling fingers next week. fuckers.

--------------------------

so i've been tutoring this kid for the past couple of months. he's mildly autistic, which means he's in normal classes, and social enough, but it makes my job difficult. it's not that he can't focus. he can focus plenty, if it's something that interests him. it's that he can't focus on algebra 2 when he doesn't feel like it. which is most of the time. so, instead he's always telling me about all this different stuff that does interest him. like some cartoon he was watching with his brother, or this video game he's designing. tonight he was regaling me with how there are different types of fruit. shit you not. he's got this bowl of fruit, and he comments on how the strawberries are making him pucker. i sample one and concede that it's a little tart, for a strawberry, at which point he launches into this thing about how there are different types of fruits within the same species. well, not species, but that's the word he'll use (i'm not entirely convinced he was wrong on that count). "like, apples. there are all sorts of different kinds of apples. macintosh. jonathan. that one's named after me."
"alright, so, the opposite of b, plus or minus the square root of b squared minus 4ac, all over 2a." he stops to pet the dog. and play with the 2 remaining chunks of strawberry.
"but it's all food, i guess. i mean, it's not alive, like animals, but it still provides sustenance." i kindly explain that fruit is indeed a living organism until we kill it, much the same as animals, though admittedly less mobile.
"well, it's still food."
"okay, so in this function b is 4, a is negative one, and c is 8, so...."

and that's pretty much how it goes. he talks about his girlfriend a lot too. apparently she wasn't at school today because her mother felt she needed to be home to celebrate martin luther king day (she's black, after all). seemed justifiable to me. i'm just trying to figure out how she can do that, when it's exam week. whatever. you know, i want a white person holiday. you know, one where we celebrate how our ancestors took advantage of all the minorities to their own personal gain. and all of them (our ancestors) are dead now! one ethnic dead person holiday deserves another!

oh, god, when the shit happened with the birds and fish in arkansas, he was telling me about how she thought there was a volcano in arkansas that was going to erupt and destroy the world. her particular brand of autism apparently has a penchant for the doom and gloom, so it doesn't take much to get her going. but this was a very real concern in her mind, and so it becomes that much more real for those in her life. the unerring font of knowledge i doubtless am in his mind, i felt obligated to elucidate. and honestly, i tend to figure i might as well, since i'm not convinced i've actually taught him anything about math at all. i know his folks are paying me to help with school, but i figure any seed i can get to germinate, whatever the topic, is a mini-success and makes my time worthwhile. so i told him about how there was some speculation that yellowstone - decidedly not arkansas - may erupt "soon". in geologic terms, soon is probably not in our lifetime. but it's a possibility. even if that does happen, it's not going to be the apocalypse. it'll do a dandy number on most of the US, michigan included, but i doubt it would completely kill off all the humans on the planet. he seemed reassured by that; mission accomplished.

---------------------------

so this book i'm reading right now is basically robin hood, as this guy thinks it should be, or might have been. he's based it in the 11th century in what is modern day wales. he's changed things completely, but it's well written and actually seems far more realistic than most of the romanticized robin hood crap we're used to seeing at the movies. if you're genuinely interested, you should start with the first book in the trilogy, though. anyway, the language tends to have this overly formal archaic type of style to it. most of the books i've read by him are that way, at least at times. but once i start to get into the swing of it, i think i could really run rampant and emulate that voice fairly well. i think it would be a fun experiment to try. maybe not as accessible to readers, but fun. and i could be verbose without it seeming like as much of a stretch. condescension and overly flowery language are pretty much expected from that dialect. i couple probably pull it off. i'm halfway there already, right?

right.

:: 2011 15 January :: 10.14am
:: Music: The Hamster Dance

Wow, I have seriously tried to give my hair volume for like half an hour and the only difference is the way my hair is laying... no height at all.

Interestingly enough I forgot some of the wacky music I have. Thank God for sounds to jam with.

In other news, I am in Green Bay this weekend. I forgot how much I love staying in Hotels. Going to hang out with my old roomie today, maybe tour Lambeau field... Adventures ahead!

tuwang

:: 2011 14 January :: 4.34pm

this weekend will be the 6th weekend in a row Ive gone out all night and come home on the first train in the morning. Im not entirely sure how I feel about that.

I had a dream last night that I went to a bar with my friend Benedict. I paid 2000 yen at the door, got my wristband and two tickets, and entered. When I got in, a fat lady with a poorly shaped bob haircut and thick horn-rimmed glasses stops me and asks me for proof that I had paid. I show her my wristband but she says, `that proves nothing`. I pull out one of the two tickets I had and I get the same response, followed by the other only to yet again hear how useless it is. She starts chuckling and I say, `what do I have to do to prove to you that I paid?`. She grins and replies `Tim should have given you what you need.`
`Then Ill go find time`
`Tim wont give it to you now, Im sure`
She is laughing hysterically and Im getting incredibly frustrated at this point. I start cursing in Japanese, to which she responds with laughter.
`Its no use really` she says and continues laughing, her belly jiggling rythmycally.

Its then that I pull out a Colt .357, cock it, aim at her face, and pull the trigger. I hear nothing but see a flash of white, at which point I wake up in a cold sweat.

what does this mean?

For a reality update, Im still alive. Thats nice yeah?

:: 2011 13 January :: 10.01pm

you'll never realize it but you are killing me

:: 2011 12 January :: 1.04pm

If I could wish any wish, it would be that my "friends" appreciated me more. I put that in quotes because there are people that I have deemed to be my friends and over the past few years it becomes more and more evident that maybe what I feel and how I see in the 'friendly' relationship isn't the same both ways.

I try to do anything and I am blown off. Idk, maybe we are just on totally different wavelengths or something. I am just sick of this dull ache that I feel because maybe I care more, or I just keep lying to myself that there was ever any relationship there what-so-ever.

I know this is my safe place, and I want to hash this all out in words, but Idk if I have it in me right now. Mike is def. right though... too much heart. I feel bad for the grinch, I was shut off like him too once... and then your heart grows and re-opens and you get hurt all over again, and that pain is even worse. idk anymore. none of it fits together or makes sense, except that is the explanation for the worst.

:: 2011 11 January :: 12.06pm

hello world... what movie do i want to watch today?

Thanks Liz for introducing me to Avatar. I am really wanting to watch it on my big tv now... guess I'll need to order it on Netflix.

clean, launder, eat. not necessarily in that order. this this the agenda for today.

:: 2011 7 January :: 10.21pm

so apparently I'm a worthless piece of shit and my husband deserves better. So glad that I try to be friends with his friend and get this in return.

I wonder why it is that I pretty well hate everybody and don't like meeting new people or making new friends.

Damn arrogant virgos. up until last month he did less than all that I am being accused of.
brushin' my shoulders off, never marry a country boy (unless you want to be susie homemaker with no life for yourself). keep that on record if your single. Once you do anything for a guy they will never want to do it for themselves again. remember that too.