day 2
i think it's interesting that they chose november as the month to do this thing. not that there's a better or worse month to do it. but there are a lot of things happening in the month of november. thanksgiving, of course, which i suppose is somewhat helpful. any month with a holiday would probably be good, so long as you're getting time off of work or school ... whatever you may have going. but there's a lot of stuff going on. i didn't participate in halloween at all this year, and i'm still overwhelmed. some halloween parties are still happening this weekend. two holidays in one month, what?! that shit is crazy. more importantly, it's a presidential election year. sure, there's an election every year in november, but being a nationwide vote, it always draws a lot more attention and time. makes me curious why they chose november.

i suppose i should get my take on the election situation squared away. i have always hated news media. always. not that i think they are an unimportant thing, or that we shouldn't have them. but... i just innately dislike them. it pains me to say it as a film kid (i initially declared my major as broadcasting, but changed to film halfway through my freshman year based on the course offerings in those respective programs at my school), but i despise what they have become. not all news is bad. it's good to know what is going on in the world. that has long since (apparently) ceased to be the focus of your typical news station. fox, i'm talking to you. i hate to single out fox, because they have such direct political connections, which is what most people typically infer from such statements. i'm not anti-republican/conservative/whatever. i'm against broadcasting things that aren't news as if they are news. nbc, you are guilty of the same crime, although i find your broadcasts slightly more palatable because they tend to align more with my personal views. but i'm still not going to watch. you are all assholes. asses that disagree with each other, have an undeserved amount of popularity amongst the masses, and abuse that celebrity to your own ends. i hate it, so fuck you. as much as i might be socially pressured to be ‘in the know,' i have found that i am far happier as a human being when my finger is furthest from the pulse. this is occasionally to my detriment, yes, but at least i don't have to stomach all the other bullshit that everyone else gobbles up. i can live my life blissfully free from the ravages of supposed intelligence. the expectations are lower. i don't feel that knowledge of current happenings, the latest dish, what have you, should be indicative of your intellectual capacity. plenty of smart people watch that shit. plenty of stupid people do too. some watch for the drama (‘omg, mitt romney kissed a baby today, while obama was playing golf!'). some watch for the shit disguised as real news (‘obama has been fighting a bipartisan congress for the entirety of his presidency, and has still made astounding progress; whereas, romney is a male chauvinist pig'). they don't care what you think, if you like them, or what the truth is. they are television companies. the only fucking thing they care about is THAT YOU ARE WATCHING. that's it. no more, no less. companies selling products and services buy air time, to sell those products and services. the larger a number of people that see those advertisements, the more money the company is willing to pay for that air time. that's it.

it makes sense, from a business standpoint. the studio. the cameras. the lights. the crew. the host. the sound booth (with microphones, cables, compressors, mixing boards, headphones, sound dampening, amplifiers, PRE-amplifiers, sound processors, computer hardware, software, analog to digital converters, the list goes on. i'm a sound guy, but no audio-visual equipment worth its salt is cheap. we're talking quality, largely based on hollywood paychecks. there's plenty more pricey stuff that i lumped into ‘cameras'. bonus points if you know what the hell grip and electric means). naturally, none of this equipment or talent is going to come free, and you have to pay for that shit somehow. that involves management. and i imply in that upper management. maybe that's why i don't like the news. it has been left in the hands of businessmen and salesmen, who frankly don't give a fuck, so long as they have a healthy bottom line. any, and i mean ANY salesman would gladly sell you his firstborn, if that's what seals the deal. there's a worse part. he will say that his first attempt at offspring has all of these awesome selling points. he will never unhand the child he sold. no, hell no. he will give you the the down syndrome infant that the nurses accidentally dropped a few times. it's all about the money he wants you to give him.

firstborns aside, it is that willingness that is telling; unsettling. they are willing to do whatever it takes, for the money. it is all about money. and i resent that immensely. i is sooper bad at business. i could never be a salesman. why should that mean that i don't deserve to be able to survive comfortably?

it is unimaginably bad to be living in a country that is being run by businessmen. i mean, if the ‘news' show advocating them costs such astronomical amounts of money, how much must a campaign that pays for that advocacy cost? any politician in this nation is far better off than i am. because they are much better at doing business. now, for the most part, i can see how business sense could be an admirable quality in a political entity, but is a country nothing but a business? no. it is a culture. the american culture is admittedly young and unfortunately simple. buuuut the pharaohs are gone. the caesars are gone. and they were even shittier people than what our country allows (apparently slavery is GOOD for business....). maybe it's the human condition that we are inescapably impelled toward our own self destruction. still, i have to hope that we can escape. i mean, i won't be able to escape this cultural conditioning, but destruction is bad. i am sorry for my ignorance, i resent that as well, but it's hard to find black friends in a backcountry area (read: not detroit) of michigan. i have put forth a valiant effort, while trying not to seem too interested.

seriously, though. i hate that. most white people have the default reaction of being apologetic. fuck you. slavery is not my fault. your ethnicity is not my fault. nor is mine. if you're upset about ANY skin color, whether it be yours or others', then you should take it up with whatever imperceptible being you believe is in charge of that sort of thing. genetic features of any kind, physiological, psychological, or otherwise, are derivatives of the chromosomes that created that individual. you may have symptomatic propensities that neither you, nor anybody else, can do anything about. why should that be a basis of judgement? as much as people shit on being judgemental, we all are. we can't help it. everyone has their own line in the sand. but seriously, that line came from somewhere. the only thing i am hoping for, is that the line isn't exclusively biological. people can learn from one another, regardless of genetic makeup, and that affects how THEIR BRAINS WORK. i would much rather be judged by how my brain works than how my face looks. so should everyone else. unless they don't want to. y'all's entitled to be idiots. i just won't tolerate you as friends. sorry. honestly, by now, you are probably well on your way to thinking i'm an idiot. i am glad. that means you're ready to grow as a person in a global society. the germans sometimes call this kulturelle unterschiede. embrace cultural differences. try learning what people are before you try to tell them what they should be, for a change. Schadenfreude macht viel spass, aber kulturelle unterschiede sind am besserung.
so, i took three semesters of german. i guess that's out there now. my first car was a 1978/9 volkswagen rabbit. that eventually led to me entering the michigan volkswagen enthusiasts. they're good people, it's cool. for the record, i'm awful at german, although i enjoy it immensely. that should be really, the fundamental point of my argument. i have german heritage. i have spent a small portion of my life studying the culture. yet, i am not a german. i cannot, nor will ever be a german. i don't want to be a german. it just wouldn't feel right. that would be like cheating, or something.

i'm a lot of other things aside from german. so are many other americans with german heritage. but does that heritage also give to them certain tendencies, quirks? how can i be a german descendant exclusively when i also have native blood. far as i know, it's chippewa. and i have this inexplicably weird attraction to women with long, straight, dark, shiny hair. in your face, freud (yet another german. maybe that's why they have weird porn? or should we just blame hitler?) my mom had curly hair, of a shade that i am fairly certain she wasn't even sure of anymore by the time i was born. oedipal complex, my ass.

not that he was entirely wrong. viewing my past relationships objectively, i can see far too many similarities to the behavioral patterns of my mother. if you aren't able to put yourself in my shoes, you might not be able to understand how truly creepifying it is to realize you like chicks that are similar to your mom. i can give you a minute to try and acclimate yourself. seriously, take your time. i don't mind. it's worth a minute to fully comprehend the next step of this developmental process.

so, you've dated some. got laid a couple times. whatever. you can bury that shit as long as you want, but as soon as you've progressed to the long-term type of romantic relationship, you can either realize that she's more like mama than you care to admit, or you can refuse to admit it. delude yourself all you want to, the rest of us are unconvinced. you're doing yourself a favor in acknowledging this.

sort of.

once this realization is made, everything is still totally cool, until the next time you go home and your mom touches you. then it all turns to fuck.

"aww, i missed mom's backrubs. man i really forgot the way she.... uh oh. um, knows how to rub me the right way. that feels wrong now. mom, don't stop. but seriously, stop. it feels TOO good."

and then you go back to the girlfriend, and mom takes a hiatus. AND IT'S EVEN WEIRDER. for months, there's nothing you can do except guiltily indulge yourself in the new physical contact you have acquisitioned. there's always that lingering guilt borne of the constant effort it takes to dispel tu madre from the old chrome dome. but you do it anyway, because you're a dog. whatever it takes. time to shop around for one that's a little less matronly.

good luck.

*

she walked into the room. despite her lack of desire to be there, there she was. yet again another example of how she was unable to say no to basically anyone.

i could be anywhere right now, she thought. i could be at home, relaxing in front of the televison. playing cards with other friends. wasting time on the internet. and yet, here i am, taking a seat at the bar waiting for ella to show up. ella was always late.

it had gotten to the point that she would tell ella to meet her at a place thirty minutes before she actually intended to show up.

i knew ella's syndrome, and planned accordingly. that much, at least, i could accept and happily accommodate. i figure that way i can earn myself some karma. she can't justifiably bitch the one time i hit a bunch of traffic or whatever. so i tolerate her perpetual tardiness.

i might as well order a drink and wait for her eventual arrival, i suppose. can't get too drunk, though. i am sick and tired of those douchebags looking for an easy lay. i often wonder why so many women go to bars looking for men. i mean, i can understand why men go to bars looking for women. there isn't much thought involved on that end of the transaction. but a woman willing to walk into a den of sausages that enjoy booze and pussy, with a subconscious desire for a partner suitable for producing offspring with? i fail to see the potential in that endeavour. if i walk into a bar, i'm not looking for a husband, i'm looking for a drink. thankfully, the guys in the bar are cromagnons just looking to get laid, and are more than happy to shell out drinks accordingly. given the nature of this transaction, however, i intended to pick up my own tab this particular evening.

worst intentions