idont wanna feel this small

1 alone | cant handle this

:: 2004 18 April :: 7.58pm
:: Mood: rejected

Forever couldnt be long enough..
Well this weekend, was..busy! But im not going to get all into that like i always do. That jus gets real boring..real fast lol. I dont know i guess i had an okay weekend. Yesterday wasnt good at all. But today, has been okay. Kinda boring at times. But okay. I got to talk to britty alot. And we actually talked about stuff. Surprising. I love that gurl soo much. Read::

xSwEetoXoKiSseSx: r u leavin me?
Xobabibrittx: not a chance
xSwEetoXoKiSseSx: never ever?:-)
Xobabibrittx: never ever ever
xSwEetoXoKiSseSx: if i keep my 50 days promise you have to keep that one..FOREVER?! okays?:-P
Xobabibrittx: forever n after
Xobabibrittx: several days after
xSwEetoXoKiSseSx: several days? But what if i dont go to *heaven*=-O
Xobabibrittx: uh oh
Xobabibrittx: than ill tell em no thanks :-)
Xobabibrittx: ide much rather burn in hell w/ muh jilly bean

Britty u are the best friend that ive ever had i luv u more than anything. Never forget that. You are the bestest!! =)

And jay i hope that your feeling better. And i sure hope u and britt are doing GREAT!! I luv you both. *mwuz*

Looking in your eyes
Seeing all I need
Everything you are is everything in me

Well gotta go everyone. Hope u all have a great day. Luv you all. byes!!

27 DaYz today everyone

:: 2004 18 April :: 9.15pm

omg today was s0 fun... i went over to ~~chris's~~ jack's [[typo]][[lol]] house and hung out.. it was s0 fun. we went 0ver t0 kaitlyn blanchetts h0use but she wasnt home s0 we walked home n played vide0 games. i g0t t0 c his cl0set. lol. n sally sed the camel had 4 humps [[lol ~~chris~~ jack!!]].. we played the guitar and watched nightmare bef0re christmas. "my fav0rite character is the fourth step and the little fish thing thatz in the m0vie f0r .5 seconds.
um n therrs a l0t 0f inside j0kes but u will never find 0ut ab0ut them b/c then they wouldnt be inside jokes. they w0uld be 0utside j0kes.. ugh. lol
alrighty ima go
<<3 LaLa [[sally]], w/e

:: 2004 18 April :: 2.39pm
:: Music: reach-- twisted method

yesterday i went wakeboarding w/ bailey and her family and some of their friends. i cant wait til mia gets home.. ~~im bored~~. i think im goin to the xfest!! yay.. mah dad just got me the twisted method cd. itz pretty good. their from cape coma s0 thatz pretty c00l. um. kayla got me yesterday.lol. "im moving in 2 months". grrr..
my bro got into cape. lol. his 3rd choice so he's just goin on the waiting list for mariner. lol. i hope he gets in. I DONT WANNA GO TO ~~CAPE~~. lol. is there still gonna be school choice next year tho?
im burned. it hurts.
minutes have gone by and i still sit and wait for mia.. lalala
wow. i really cant imaginelife w/out her. hmm
im goin to target to get a cd.. cant decide what to get tho.. hoobastank?? iunno.
i like the song the reason but kristi claims thatz her song s0 i dont want to take it [[cough cough]]
who made up the word cough? thatz funni ..
well i guess ill wait for mia alone.. wouldnt want you to be put thru the misery.. well, most of you ne way. lol
~~love~~
lala

:: 2004 17 April :: 11.33pm
:: Mood: lonely

when its all said and done.. your gone..
I had like the worst day ever. Some things were okay. Like work i had fun wif Danielle i havent seen her in like ages. But i still had the worst day. The only person today whose asked about my day was Jay. I told him a few things..but nothing thats really bothering me. Everything tahts going on is like way too personal to tell anyone these days. I seriously dont know wat to do with myself. Its been 26 days and im scared that im going to fail britt and myself. Im scared of myself right now. I jus want to die. Really, but i cant. I cant fail britt. AGAIN!! I jus wish everything would be wonderful again..='(

I dont know im jsu going to go in my room, and bawl my eyes out. Theres nobdoy to talk to. Bcuz nobody cares. I jus want to die. Ohh yeah..me n joshie got a new cellie *416 1724* not that anyone will ever use it. Well ima go. Bye everyone =(

thoughtskill

:: 2004 17 April :: 10.46am
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: sarah n kaela`*

i c0uld never leavve y0u n0w . *
Heyy guyz- muh week waz prettie b0ring . . yesterday~* sarrah came 0ver n than we walked 2 kaela..nick called me and was biitchin at me and he t0ld me he wuznt g0in t0 the m0viez s0 im lyk 0kayy fine n he lyk said i waz bein a bitch n hung up 0n me-but yea than kaela came bak w/ us we g0t readii n went t0 the m0vviez.. g0t there n nick was there =] but he was ign0rin me =/ `nd he t0ld me he waznt g0nna hang 0ut w/ me cuz i was being a bitch `nd he wanted t0 hang 0ut w/ j0sh n markus didnt c0me s0 me n kaela were sadd l0l n than chris, sarah, kaela,lee, & matt hadda walk round 4 lyk 2 hourz cuz they w0uldnt let us in to a m0vie till 9 n than we went into sc0oby d0oby d0o 2. . . `nd me n nick made up =D but he hadda hang out w/ j0sh s0 i didnt see him the wh0le time but dats 0kay
*i l0ve j0shua !`* n than we all left 1nd kaela n sarah spent the night n we watched a scary m0vie but fell asleep l0l
t0day im g0in t0 a parteey i think *
x0x i l0ove kaela n sarah !! x0x

:: 2004 16 April :: 12.13pm

This is your life and its ending one moment at a time.
Gosh i friggin hate skool soo much!! And everyone in it. I cant wait until i turn 16 so that i can drop out of this gay ass skool. Yesterday i had to go home from skool after 1st hour bcuz im soo sick of everyone They all hate me and thier soo fuckin rude to me and i really dont deserve this bullshit All i do is try and be the best friend that i can for them and then they do this to me..well it aint gonna be that way for long you watch.

Geesh if i didnt have Jay to talk to last nite i wouldnt have had anyone Isnt that sad? Someone that i barely know, someone that lives in florida is the only person that was there for me i dont know about you but i find that pretty sad. But Jay i love you soo much babes, im happy were becoming better friends, and i know theres more to come. I love you baby boi

Well im jus goin to get going, nothing to write about i guess. Except for tonight omg im soo busy, ive got 3 appt. for the business manager thing. Ive got to go to my tanner, and then Subway, and then to this pizza place im hoping that i can get some ads there. And then ive gotta go to this nursing home for an interview to be a volenture there. Then ive gotta go to the rac, for riot on fire with becky and cassie. Busy day t nite..well im gonna go luv you all lots byes!!

thoughtskill

:: 2004 15 April :: 11.33pm

i keep changing my journal. i think im done for a while. i like it. thanks lizzi for the icon n codes =]

:: 2004 14 April :: 10.21pm

A must read..at least brit u must read!!
I could never truely thank you for everything that you have done for me. Your the most important thing in my whole life. I dont think there is one day that i havent gone by thinking, "I wonder what she is doing? I wonder whose shes with? I wonder how shes doing?" I feel as though i am one of the luckiest people in this entire world. I have been blessed with the gift of your friendship. You are the kind of person that people want to be friends with their whole life. The kind of person that people met for even just a half an hour, and walk away feeling like they were just touched by an angel. Something changed in me when you came into my life. I became a better person. You taught me how to truely care about someone with all of thier heart. You taught me how to forgive someone even when it seemed crazy to forgive them for the horrible thing they did. You taught me everything that i know about love, friendship, forgiveness, and life. I would be lost if i didnt know that somewhere out there, you would always be standing, holding out your hand to guide me back to path that im surposed to be headed on. You are seriously the most amazing person that ive ever met. And i just want you to know that i admire you and look up to you soo much. You are soo strong, and brave and you have soo much courage to do the things that i could never do. And i want you to know, that if today our friendship were to end for some horrific reason, you would always be in my heart, you would always be my best friend, you will always be the person that i admire and trust most, but most importantly until the day i die, you will always be the person that changed me and my life, and for that, i will never and could never forget about you, my best friend, Brittany Marie Gamester.

Srry, i jus got thinking, and jus thought i would letyou know how much i care about you and how much you mean to me, and yeah just wrote this lol. I love you more than anything in this WHOLE WORLD britty. You mean everything to me.

:: 2004 14 April :: 7.57pm

f__ckin drama queen..
itz the following traits that make a best friend.. lying, stealing, hitting.. good friends always do that right?? its all about popularity, boys, and friends... right?
yea.. ok. for the person who this is about.. you know.
and th world does NOT revolve around you

:: 2004 14 April :: 11.38am
:: Mood: lethargic

Nothing could make life any worse..
Britty i luv you soo much sweetie ur the sweetest person ever!!

Wow today has been horrible already. Cassie promised dat we could talk before skool today but i knew that cassie brown woudl like not want her to leave so then cassie used that as an excuse so we didnt talk and now shes avoiding me!! Ick i hate this bullshit.

Then James called me again last nite..i seriously dont know wat to do here, i want to be wit him soo fuckin bad but i realy dont. Its soo confusing..i jus miss him i want him to come over tonight. He said he'll try after he gets outta work. I cant wait i need him. ='( I didnt really want us to break up i guess..dammit im stupid.

Geesh and things were going to soo good for me, and then all of this shit happens ick im soo sick of this!! I need someone to talk to but everyone is always soo busy or thier friggin mad at me. Everyone is mad at me I hate this.

Well im giong to jus get going. Gotta go to lunch, and hang out wif ick..cassie and then brandy korse..always on an A day. I think im jus gonna go to the library or something my gosh i have them. Well thats enough byes.

Ali jean i luv you more than anything sweetie pie!!

23 DaYz today everyone!!

:: 2004 13 April :: 10.52pm
:: Mood: drained

Your words are wat tore this heard apart..
Well..wow, today is the first day taht ive actually been online. And omg am i ever glad that i did =) Brittany marie gamester is the most amazing person in the whole world..i luv you soo much babes!!

I couldnt help you.. wtf is that? I dont know if she understands how much she hurt me more by not talking to me!! For a whole friggin year!! I was more depressed and crazy last year bcuz she hated me. Ick!! I hate ppl who have stupid judgement!!

Ohh shit ive got homework to do. Dammit i hate this working hard in school shit its really gettin boring and hard lol. But i must, i must. Hey everyone i got my grades up, thier not good, but thier still up. you all sould be proud lol. Neways i must go. Just thought i would write in here..*brit check ur email..* P.s. Chels i miss you, luvyou ltos!!

Ali jean i luv you more than the sky is blue, you mean everything to i would die without you *mwuz*

22 DaYz today everyone.. =X *sigh*

cant handle this

:: 2004 13 April :: 10.41pm
:: Music: twenty3-- yellowcard

i was at mias today.. watching maria break down. her tears are running down here cheeks making puddles of sorrow.. i cant satnd seeing ppl cry.. but itz the cycle of life. her best friend's husband died today. and they were madly in love.. 2 kidzz. he was dry walling a house, and fell off the edge. 2 stories up. the doctors told her that he wasnt gonna make it. and the kidz had no idea until they came home from school.
imagine
~~be strong, beleive~~

1 alone | cant handle this

thoughtskill

:: 2004 13 April :: 10.11am

I Dont Know How

You look at me,
As i bow my head in shame.
You and I both know that,
Things could never be the same.

I remember when we were,
The best of friends.
But now things seem so different,
Im not sure if my heart will ever mend.

We've said some hurtful words,
And done some stupid stuff.
No matter how close we got,
It never seemed like enough.

I dont know who is at fault,
And i dont know what to do,
Our friendship is no more,
But i just dont know,
How to let go of you.

Written by: Jillane Dahms
November 25th 2002

I luv you and miss you britty ='(