LaLa91
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2004 9 March :: 11.16am
:: Music: whisper--evanescence
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catch me as i fall
say your here and it's all over now
speaking to the atomosphere
no one's here and i fall into myself
this truth drives me into madness
i know i can stop the pain
if i will it all away
dont turn away
sont give into the pain
dont try to hide
tho they're screaming your name
dont close your eyes
god knows what lies behind them
dont turn out the light
never sleep never die
i'm frightened by what i see
but some how i know theres much more to come
immobilized by my fear
and soon to be blinded by tears
i can stop the pain if i will it all away
dont turn away
dont give in to the pain
dont try to hide
tho they're screaming your name
dont close your eyes
god knows what lies behind them
dont turn out the light
never sleep never die
fallen angels at me feet
whispered voices at my ear
death before my eyes
lying next to me i fear
she beckons me shall i give in
upon my end shall i begin
forsaking all i've fallen for
i rise to meet the end
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behindmysmile
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2004 9 March :: 10.23am
:: Mood: excited
Does it really matter..
Just sitting here in uprights class with another sub, with my bestest buddy Lisa Marie and Cassie!!!!
Well today i skipped 1st hour and then i forgot that it was tuesday so i missed group today..lol Kyndra is giong to kill me, bcuz shes in Mexico right now and last week she told me that she wasnt going to be here for group this week and that she wasnt going to be here this week and so i told her that i didnt wanna go to group if she wasnt going to be there and then yeah she told me that i had to, so i siad that i would and then i ACCIDENTLY =p missed it this morning shes giong to beat me up!! hehe oh wells i luv that lady i cant wait until she comes home!! =)
But neways i wrote you a letter last nite britty, and i like was all ready to send it this morning i had the stamp on the envolope n everything but i decided not to send it, but im sure that im going to send it 2marro. But yeah you have to tell me the day that ou get it. I luv you lots babes and n miss you tons babes!! *and yes it does matter* I LUV YOU!!
Chelsie thanks for everything, your the best babes..well i dont really have anything to say rite now ive gotta give cassie here computer back because shes going to get all mad n everything lol..but neways luv you all lots!!
<33 Jilly!!
Oh yeah by the way..i cant get online during the week anymore, thats me and my moms deal, only on the weekends!! But oh wells luv you all lots!! =)
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LaLa91
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2004 8 March :: 11.07am
:: Mood: _HUrTinG_
:: Music: blink 182
IN PAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNNN
ouch ouch ouch... i went to the doctors thursday night bc i was having really badd cramps.. i got a cat scan x rays ya know.. the whole sh-bang.. found i had appendicitis and had to get my appendix [[surgically]] removed, we're talkin pain!!lol i had to stay in the hobstical for 3 dayz.. but i had some visttors,,, thanks yall for comin'!! i was bored to tears!!! lol... kayla came and lacey and kristi, and bailey and her mom and sister brooke,, and i got a lot of gifts!! and flowers and candy so im all set.. i mean sure, i can BARELY walk! but.. lol.. the candy's great.. so i get this week off of school but, then i get the second week off to b/c we hav spring break!! awww man im gonna miss criag's birthday. i g2g!! love ya!!!
LaLa
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behindmysmile
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2004 7 March :: 8.53pm
:: Mood: thankful
:: Music: Nobody knows--Kevin sharp
Is that all that i am to you..
How's my journal now everyone..better..or worse let me know!! =)
Ya know ive been thinking about alotta things lately, and one topic that i was thinking about was about who my *true* friends are..and if i am a *true* friend. And who i am a *true* friend to..
A while ago like a long while ago britty told me what she thought a true friend was, and ive stuck with this *definition* or *opinion* ever since. A true friend is someone who is there through everything, and accepts you for who you are. *or something like that*
I know that i dont have many true friends, but i started thinking, and after a while, i realized that i have more than i think that i do..Like Britty, Chelsie, Ali Jean, Brittney, Tiffany, Cassie, Lisa, Becky Dawn, James, Mike, Steffanie, and a few others. Like seriously i know that if i ever needed anything, anyone of those ppl would be right there by my side!! Do you know how lucky am i for that!!
Then i was thinking, and i tried to think of some people that ive always been a true friend to..and seriously you might think this is like my *low self asteem* talking but really i cant think of one person..yeah britty, but yeah she knows that i aint ALWAYS been, chelsie neither, Lisa and i didnt like eachother 8th grade..cassie and i neither, James and i stopped talking for a while, same with Mike..i guess i could say Tiffany Becky Dawn and Steffanie i have been a true friend too, but 1. Becky Dawn was easy, all you have to do is listen to her guy problems and give advice really..and Steffanie same, just a few more things, and just keeping touch when she just recently moved, that too..Tiffany iw ould have to say i really am a true friend to her, its been hard, but its been worth it..i luv you babes!! But really who else..i cant really think of many..maybe gloria, ive alwyas been here for her..shes sucha great person tho..i cant help it *now shes my daw daw and im her mother J* YaYaY!! lol but no seriusly the only reason i try and be there for her as much as i can is because yeah she mite be popular goofy and happy but i think there is much more to her, or much more than the rest of her friends at least, maybe thats mean..i dont care =p
But i dont know..you know how i think too much..welll thats it for today, i'll prolly write more 2marro..latah every1.
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behindmysmile
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2004 6 March :: 10.31pm
If only you could see the tears in my heart
Im just putting these qoutes on here so that i dont lose them =p haha
But really..they do mean something to me..=( oh wells life goes on ya know!!
"You can't hurt someone unless you really mean something to them."
"The greatest pain in life is not to die, but to be forgotten and ignored."
"At least be there to wipe away my tears if you're going to make me cry."
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behindmysmile
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2004 6 March :: 6.43pm
:: Mood: weird
*If only life was this way..
Omg..BEST WEEKEND EVER WAS THIS WEEKEND!! Wowo and Friday too!! OmG you have no idea im soo fuckin happy rite now!! Okay friday oh wow with the snowfest games and every class being shorter, that was soo much fun!! Oh gosh and then after skool.. =)
okay me and becky were going to the bathroom, and like i was walking backwards and becky was walking forward cuz there were snowcones on the ceiling and they had every1 in 9th grades name on it..so we were looking for her name..and like we were at the last one and im like okay i dont know and im like im going to the bathroom and i walked like rite into the guys bathroom and beckys like no no no not that one no..and it wouldnt have been as bad cuz there was nobody around except nathan nimps was walking out rite as i was walking in..omg me and her started fuckin busting up!! She almost pissed her pants!!!!!! =p It was great..=D
And then we like were hanging out and doing stuff at her..and baby sitting the cutest lil girl kassi..Her niece..and like yeah then kevin came got us *her boyfriend* we went to mcdonalds then to the dance after driving around for like forever..it was GREAT!! He is soo fun and kool..im glad she got sucha good one!! Then the dance omg every1 thuoght i was high off my ass..i sweear i wasnt..really..but we were dancing the whole time it was soo fuckin fun!!
Me and chad were dancing together too, which was kinda bad cuz his gf if she found out she would die =( But i luv ashley..and i hope she dont find out..but yeah me and lisa and cassie smith and brown and like arianna and ashley b and brenda and monika and all of us were dancing together it was great!! And yeah it was just great..me and Cassie smith had a fuckin blast!!
And then stayed up at till about 3-4 in the morning talking to becky dawn..about EVERYTHING!! It was fuckin awesome!! But then today nicoles baby shower, yeah that was great i was really surprised that cassie smith actually showed up but that was fuckin awesome and then me and cassie and becky went and baby sat kassi for abit and then my mom came and got me and cassie and too bad she was grounded..but oh wells now im home and im bout to leave in a second to go to chads!!!! =) omfg i luv this kid!!
Me and Cassie i sweear are bcoming like best friends again..you guys have no idea how happy that makes me!!!!!! But tahts enough for t nite.gotta go luv you all lots!! Byes!!
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thoughtskill
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2004 4 March :: 5.02pm
me & jay are married again =]
3-3-o4 !!!
I LOVE JAY MICHAEL CASCADDEN!!
i missed you so much.
<3.
tomarrow = movies =]
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behindmysmile
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2004 4 March :: 11.19am
:: Mood: tired
Everything must change sooner or latah..
Wow, yesterday was interesting..I got to talk to Kyndra yesterday which was AWESOME!! =) I really luv talking to that lady!!
But neways also yesterday ryan came over so taht he and josh could help me fix my lil scooter thingy..which was MAJORLY odd..i dont know why yesterday was interesting..it jus was =p
But today has been pretty good..got in trouble in woodruff's class again. Second hour was really really fun in gym playin v ball n everything!! Wow we kicked some booty!! =p Im hoping to get outta this hour, im hoping kyndra will come this hour cuz she told me that she would come today if i wanted her to, and so yeah i did. So she sould be coming soon!! =) I hope she comes soon at least.. =p
Latah t nite we've gotta go shopping for something to wear for snowfest, and then im gonna try and go to this hall decorating thingy from 4-8 but im not sure yet!!
But thats enough for now..illw rite more another time!
I luv you britty!! *never leave me*
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behindmysmile
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2004 2 March :: 6.58pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: amazed--Lonestar
Its just one more day..
It seems like every time i try to make
Things up to you, it all blows up in my
face..all i want to do is be there for you
and care about you wif all that i have
All i want to do, is be the friend that
you've been to my all of my life, but it
just doesnt work out that way!!
I know that we've been through hell n
back, and i wish that things were diff
i wish that we were still the best of
friends..two friends that everyone knew
would be best friends forever..two friends
that were soo close!! i jus want things
to be the same again, wat happened
between the two of us =(
Your the best friend that ive ever had,
and i hope you believe that to be true.
I'd give anything to be ur best friend
again, but it seems to me tha we've
went our seperate ways, and started
our own lives..please tell me if you still
want to be friends, please tell me if there
is anything i can do to help our friendship!!
Things change..people change, shit happens..but l.i.f.e. g.o.e.s. o.n. Yeah i dont believe that, becuz w/o you..my life is over..i luv you soo fuckin much!! And i miss you!! You sould knw who you are..and if not..wow..some1 is either totally retarted..doesnt care..or hasnt been payin attention =/
i luv you wif alla my heart, never leave me =(
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behindmysmile
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2004 2 March :: 12.19pm
:: Mood: anxious
One last night with you..
Wow today is like soo bORING!! You guys have no idea..but yeah today was tuesday which means today i got to go into group, but woodruff *my 1st hour teacher* was really pissed off that i was late, and then he like bitched me out when i came back into class to get my stuff, and then yeah i was late to second hour which means i got a detention from mcdowell for being tardy and then he bitched, and urgh they piss me off!!
Now im behind on my layout thingy in his class too but fuck him, screaw this skool i hate this skool!!!!!!!!
neways, yeah kyndra is coming back on thurs so that we can *talk* YaYaY!! Im soo happy i luv talking to her!! And then today i cant go to my other counsler, yeah my mom is sucha bitch i knew she would do this, shes going to act like were going every time but its giong o tbe like yeah we cant go today and then next week oh im sick..I told her that im not going anymore =p
But oh wells, ill write more latah
I luv you soo friggin much britters!! =)
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behindmysmile
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2004 29 February :: 9.26pm
:: Mood: lazy
:: Music: suga suga--steve n his bf josh's song =p
i member everythin bout us, every kiss, every hug, even every smile..
Wow, its like only 9 15 and im really tired..so i think that im gonna get offline and prolly go to sleep or at least stare at my wall till the early hours in the morning since i cant ever sleep..
The only reason i get online is to talk to me best friend brittany, but she friggin is either online and not talking, or shes not on at all..so i dont see the point in being online..
Cept for talking to my baby ali jean, cept she seems preoccupied these days..i dont know maybe its just me..
maybe im jus imagining everything, yeah i dont know anymore, it feels like im walking in slow motion, my life is racing rite past me and there is nothing that i can do about it..
oh wells ima go..luv you all..byes!!
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thoughtskill
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2004 29 February :: 9.14pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: none..
i have no idea what to do -*
friday.. movies. there were so many people there =] we had to sit on the flOor cuz there was no seats - kev got mad at me for hangin out w. nick.. mm yea but he asked me out a couple x but i sed i dunno.. i have no idea what im gonna do.. anyway than kev left n i was with nick for about an hour.. than went home n sarah spent the night.. woke up round 10 went to the fields round 1:30 .. watched kevo's game they lost !! =[ ::tear tear:: .. than we were gonna walk home lol but kev's mom took us home =] thank godd cuhz it was 6 miles.. haha but we were gonna do it ! than me n sarah went to kaela's house.. n than we all went back to my house for a while .. kaela left n sarah spent the night gain stayed up till like 5 iish we tried on all these cloths n took sooo many pikz lol n than finally fell asleep.. woke up round 11 sarah left round 2 .. came back n did my homework n was lazy all day =] nick was spossed to come over but my mommy wouldnt let him =[
thats bout it...
i love u jill !
*- just know i cant live without you
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behindmysmile
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2004 29 February :: 6.25pm
you make me wanna stay here forever..
Well lets see here, nothing really happening today..i got to talk to my buddy ol' pal chelsie for once in FOREVER!! =P *i luv you soo much babes*
Got to takl to my best friend britty today too!! Wow that was amazin!! lol I miss you soo much babey gurl!! And i hope things are okay between us!!
Wow i have nothing to talk about really, does everyone like my new journal..i think its more of a happier than my usual kind of journal if you ask me!! =p
I think that brandy is right about steve tho, i think that i sould jus leave him alone and see what hes doing next, cuz i cant be being used like that anymore, screaw him im better than that!! =)
Well i dont have anything to talk about for now..oh wait yes i do..
next friday is snowfest *for those who dont knwo thats the second biggest dance of the highskool year* and yeah me and becky dawn are gonna go together, im giong to her hosue fri were going to the dance then sat were going to nicoles baby shower together!! YaYaY!! Were gonna have soo much fun together! i luv that gurlie =)
Well thats it for now..love you all!! Latah!!
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behindmysmile
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2004 29 February :: 2.36pm
READY FOR LOVE: You're sensitive but no pushover,
active but not manic. In short, you're a great
girl/guy who's ready for a relationship. If
you're not already involved with someone, it's
only because you want a guy/girl who's worthy
of your love---you just haven't met him/her
yet. That's cool. You've got plenty of other
interests to keep you busy. When you do meet
''Mr. Great/Miss. Great,'' chances are you
won't abandon all the other impotant stuff in
your life for romance. In fact, your
independance and spirit will be part of what
attracts him/her---and keeps him/her. Would YOU
PLEASE rate my quiz? YOU surely don't have to,
but i'd apreciate it more than YOU could
imagine if YOU would! Thanks! Peace out yo'!
Are YOU ready to have a BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND? For the OLDER GALS/GUYS!
brought to you by Quizilla
oh that is soo me lady and gents!! =p
Even chad agrees!! =)
Alien1088: yeah
Alien1088: it is u
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behindmysmile
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2004 28 February :: 6.05pm
:: Mood: crazy
:: Music: i dont want you back--eamon *or wateva*
When you smile, i melt..
Omfg guess who jus decided to show up at my house unexpectedly!!! STEVE!! Omg im in my pjs and i look like friggin satin!! =p
I HATE how im letting him use me!! Seriously like one minute he'll be kissin up on Tuesday n Brandy and then the next he's at my hosue making out wif me!! And i just let him, i dont yell at him, i dont tell him that i dont like what hes doing to me, i jus go along wif it!! And i fuckin hate it!!
Why the hell am i letting him use me/get to me like this!! I CANT be in love with the kid!! I CANT!! urgh if anyone has any advice..please let me know bcuz im all outta ideas!! ='(
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