idont wanna feel this small

2 alone | cant handle this

:: 2003 2 December :: 8.48am
:: Mood: indescribable

Didn*t talk to jill at all yesterday!!!! =[!
but thas ok i'll just have to bug her double today =P

`Yesterday was grrrreat. lyk frosted flakes. lol. =P. JEREMY CALLED ME!!! I havn't talked to jeremy, in probly 2 months!!!! I missed him sooo much! i didn't even know how much i missed him...were gonna do something not this weekend but nexxt weekend. Weee.

`Keverz kalled me @ lyk midnight lazt night n i was soooo beat. We both musta fell asleep cuz i woke back up @ 2 n he was still there but it wuz dead quiet =] but than his fone died 'gain.. i love him soo much.<3.

daniel is so amazing. he is the sweetest person ever..

TODAY IS MISSY N AMBER'Z BDAY!!! YAY!!!!!!

i love jay!!!

<3. brittany

:: 2003 2 December :: 6.33am
:: Mood: sick

This morning im jus going to do a top pplz count..

::My top friendz::
***Brittany***

**Becky D**

*Steve-o*

::The rest of em::

*Courtney*
*Chelsie*
*James*
*Tiffany*
*Sara*
*Emily*
*Adrienne*
*Steffanie*
*Jessica W*
*Jessica B*
*Erik R.*
*Taylor*
*Heather*
*Cassie*
*Greg*
*Nicole*
*Megan*
*Ethan*
*Brandon*
*Marissa*
*Brittney*
*Chris*
*Makenzie*

Well yah dats enough fo now..

::5 friendz dat r alwys there fo me::

1. Brittany
2. Becky Dawn
3. Courtney
4. James
5. Chelsie

::5 friendz i wish i were still friends wif::

1. Cassie S.
2. Kathryn
3. Kristen
4. Stacey
5. Mike

::5 friendz i couldnt live without::

1. BRITTANY MARIE GAMESTER!!
2. Becky Dawn
3. Courtney annmarie*??*
4. Steffanie *cant say middle name hah*
5. Chelsie *dont member =/*

I LUV ALL MY FRIENDS!! I WOULDNT BE WHERE I AM WITHOUT THEM!! I LUV YOU ALL!!!

I luv you mostest tho britt..ur my best friend and always will be =)

:: 2003 1 December :: 8.09pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: Concrete angel--Martina Mcbride!!

Oh wow guess whos house i jus passed on da way there..and home lol..CHELSIES!! yippie skippie!! lol It was very pretty!! =p

mhmm lets see..im fine t day..jus fine..no britt tho..so i guess dat aint fine..but im fine..no im lieing i had a shitty day..=/ everything went wrong..tho nothing went rite, everything seemed to be rite. Things seemed *normal* but not a good normal..a normal dat showed me dat even tho i was totally miserable..everything was in da place they were meant to be in..like i was in a *normal* where i was meant to be miserable..maybe dats how my life is going to be fo da rest of my "years" =/

mhmm britt i luv u too!! bye..

Wow im going to bed at 8 o clock..*or layin down restin at least..* aint dat amazin tho..if any of u stinkers need me..u know my number.. =/ MOST LIKELY I WONT GET ANY CALLS T NITE..*cept maybe from steve*

1 alone | cant handle this

:: 2003 1 December :: 4.24pm
:: Mood: *aLL aLoNe*

I wonder wat it feels like to be normal..? =/
Dead inside

Life has drowned me in a puddle of blood
As I took the knife slowly to my wrist
I stopped and thought
Should I really do this?
Will life get better?
Should I wait?
I decided that I�ve waited long enough
Nothing has gotten better
Everything is a blur
The good memories are all just a simple vivid image
My mind is filled with horrid thoughts that are indescribable
Life has drowned me in a puddle of blood
As the knife slits me partly
I stop and think again
Am I making the right choice?
Should I stop?
Or keep going?
I think only negative
About all the bad times
And how the cruel world has treated me
I feel that it wants me dead
Should I think positive?
Once again my mind tells me to continue
As I see the drops of blood drip from my wrist
I feel the pain and sorrow
I want to stop but my hand keeps moving the knife
The pain I feel on my wrist
Is not nearly as bad as the pain I feel inside
I take a deep breath
And realize that I�m making a mistake
I think long and hard
I feel the need to keep cutting
I come to a halt
Asking why, why me?
I have dealed with pain and pressure long enough
I am already dead inside
So, I continue with the knife
I am almost done
I can feel my body become very weak
I start shaking
My heart stops beating
I fall to the floor
I�ve drowned myself in a puddle of blood

Wow Megan sent me this like this morning i think..mhmm i kinda was like really offended by this..tho she has no idea..i really felt horrible..cuz ya know wat..dats EXACTLY how i feel.. =/ Ive been doing *dat* like fo a week now..off and on of korse..but oh wow do i ever wish dat i did it every single second of da day..and i could..but i dont..too much time spent at skool..ick!! =/

oh well..im done..bye..

4 alone | cant handle this

:: 2003 1 December :: 8.26am
:: Mood: loved

New month--*
Ahhh monday..December 1st. Kan*t believe its december already!! gawd. xmas is coming up...!*

Last night i called jilly, talked to her for a bit, then got ready for bed n rite wen i was gonna go to bed kevin called =]. so talked to him till bout 1iish..then slept till now.

my 2 favorite people...
cant get any better than that

`Brittany--*

blondeandconfuzed
[ behindmysmile ]

:: 2003 1 December :: 6.44am
:: Mood: moody
:: Music: Stand up--Luda

Brittany marie gamester, i luv u more than anything in da whole world, i dont know wat i would wif out you!! Your the best thing dats ever happened to me!! *Never leave me* I couldnt imagine one day knowin dat i dont have you always there by my side!! I luvu more than anyhting in da whole world!! Never forget it!!

I LUV YOU SOO MUCH!!!

blondeandconfuzed
[ behindmysmile ]

:: 2003 30 November :: 9.16pm

WE ALL JUS NEED TO GET ALONG!!

i luv all of yew!! =)

2 alone | cant handle this

:: 2003 30 November :: 8.34pm
:: Mood: okay

Drama drama drama..
Geesh I dont really know..Nothing really happened t day i guess..

cept steve showed up here unexpected and i looked like fuckin shit..i had loads of fun wif him!! I luv dis kid!! heh =)

Britt really is da best person in da whole world!! She is soo sweet!! And she has to deal wif soo much..and i luv and respect her soo much!! I dont know wat i would do without her..she really means everything to me!! i luv u soo much sweetie!! *Dont ever leave me*

everyone else can jus fuck off..fo all i care..and fo *whoever wrote in her journal* shes moved and moved on, so now its ur turn..you cant keep pickin at her cuz ya'll aint friends anymore..and like she said how its not only her fault dat ya'll aint friends anymore..well yah a friendship needs everyone to give put in and try fo it to keep going..think about it..if u wanted to be friends wif hillary duff but she didnt wanna be friends wif u could ya'll really be friends..NO!! So see not jus one person can give in to a friendship..everyone has to..

dats enough fo now..more latah..=/

28 alone | cant handle this

:: 2003 30 November :: 7.22pm
:: Mood: loved

if you wrote a book about my life, all it would talk about is you..cuz you are my life.
today...was ok i guess. Yesterday was gr8 tho.. emily wuz over..n i talked to kevin lyk all night on tha phone .. he fell asleep round 2 and i listentened to him sleep for a while..he sleepz so kute..he wuz tlkn in his sleep 2 it wuz funny hes lyk O YEA IM 16!!! or sumthing lyk that ..haha it was kute =] so i listened to that monkey butt till lyk 3 mayb n then muh fone died so we watched skary movie 1 n went to sleep..

i jus wanted to say..
J i l l a n e E l i z a b e t h D a h m s- jus thanks for everything..i love you so much.. theres no one ive laughed with more cryed with more shared more with or loved more then YOU! manii more laughs. tears. n long talks boute everything n othing to come..love you baby!

Kevin
i lOove yOou. sOo much.
you are tha best boyfriend i could ask for! tank you for being there for me..you mean so much to me.... xoxoxoxoxoxo

blondeandconfuzed
[ behindmysmile ]

:: 2003 30 November :: 5.07pm

LOOKIE MEGAN I DID IT!! WOo HOo!!=)

1 alone | cant handle this

blondeandconfuzed
[ Admin ]

:: 2003 30 November :: 4.44pm

hey i wanna see if this works!! =/

3 alone | cant handle this

:: 2003 29 November :: 10.19pm
:: Mood: depressed

I had a really horrible day t day!!

I fuckin hate my step dad..i hat emy mom..i hate my life!!

I want to jus die!! I wish i would die!! I can die..i will die..maybe t nite..maybe not..i hope so.. =/

Im not allowed to get online much anymore..my mom put parental controls and now it has a password on it..everyone knows it but me..fuck this!! I fuckin hate her!!

Im moving out again..and my mom is prosicuting *dont mind spellin* megan..i cant wait i hope she goes to jail i fuckin hate her!!

I mite not even go to FL now..i dont fuckin know anymore..=/

I dont know anything anymore..I HATE EVERYTHING..I jus fuckin wanna die..dats it..all i want is to DIE..is dat sucha big request?! Fuckin bastard named god..cant even do dat fo me..

wateva bye.. =/

4 alone | cant handle this

:: 2003 29 November :: 11.20am

Saturday
Havn't wrote in a while. I started another journal, cuz alotta people found out this one. But im back to this one. It has more history with it. I have to stop running from people. So lets see whats been going on with my life lately..

ive gone to the moviez lyk 10 x ..munday school..tuesday school n then moviez..lately. ...wednesday no school-wuz me n kevz 2 monthz. . . . uhm thurzday wuz thxgiving..ok i guess..frididay moviez-kevin came this time so that was good ! ! ! --* Than 2day im going to emily'z resturant n stuff..i gotta go now so ill write more latah today

<3

LaLa91

:: 2003 29 November :: 12.38pm
:: Mood: Quiet and Cold
:: Music: Brooke Talking on the phone

hey hey,
LaLa herr... im in kentucky right now, pretty bored because i think bailey is sleepin.
yep today i rode four wheelerz thru the woodz. (yep i drove) n i was a good driver to! lol yea... itz snowin rite now, stickin to.
i hav a newz flash that should be put to public use my wgms... i dont like chris ne more. thatz right. if he is alwayz gonna be OBSESSED with calli then screw that... y waste my time with sum 1 who would never luv me back. ya kno? ne wayz brooke ( my olda' sista) (well, not really but like) iz tellin every one to go to bed because shez really anxious to go home tomorrow morning and wantz to hit the road early. so ima listen ight.. if ne one carez, bailey n i will be home prolly around 11 or 12 ( pm) bounce

<3 to all ( cept chris who broke my <3) ( but it happenz)

LaLa