<center><font color=white>Leagan .08<br>'Masquerade'</center></font>

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Leagan .08
'Masquerade'

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Steffie-x-schaukelt

:: 2005 19 March :: 12.40am

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steffie-x-schaukelt

:: 2005 12 March :: 3.04pm
:: Mood: geeky
:: Music: queen misery by for my pain

I may be only 10 but I can spell.
something tells me that all of that choclate icecream and my tummy are not making friends

Maybe if I ate some vanilla icecream it would battle the chocolate icecream in the depths of my abdomin. Everyone knows that chocolate and vanilla are sworn enemies. Like planet earth and country-western singers.

I just like the idea of cannons and muskets being fired around in my tummy.
Don't you? you do. admit it. stop lying.

or I'll club you with my snowboot.

I love my sister Carley. i don't know how to make links so I'll just tell you all that her username is ACIDTEARS. Go make friends and stuff, unlike this horrible ice cream
it's probably trying to kill me.
But it won't.

There can only be ONE highlander

1 comment | say whaaa?

steffie-x-schaukelt

:: 2005 5 March :: 5.39pm
:: Mood: devious

YOUR SOUL IS IN MY PANTS!!
this morning I was riding my low rider bike, and this big cyclops came falling out of the sky and landed in front of me. he saw that I had a tasty granola bar in my left hand, and he said, 'I see you have a tasty granola bar in your left hand.'
so I said, "Yes, I do happen to have a tasty granola bar in my left hand.'
then he asked if he could have it, and I said 'no, Mr. Cyclops, you cannot have this tasty granola bar, for it is mine.'

then he tried to steal it, and I used my super-mega-ninja moves on him and killed him. i ate my granola bar right after.

but really, I'm at my sister's house right now. so I'm going to go.

3 comments | say whaaa?

:: 2005 1 March :: 3.06pm

Two words...

I Died

:: 2005 28 February :: 8.12pm

Jenna is amusing, one of the best people alive. I hate saying that I admire people, but I really do admire her. She's a great person. Luckily I'm open-minded because apparently I'm her "Sex goddess" despite that we live a few thousand miles away. Yeah, we start all of the time. She made me laugh....only Adam could do that....but she did.
Eric was not online today, nor did he update. I hope he is alright. He's probably crushing on his new cuddle-buddy. It's nice to see him so happy with someone again. He's too affectionate for being so lonely most of the time.
I go back to see Nabila on the seventh. I'm explaining what her plan has done to my life! But she's really nice, so I won't go homicidal.
I have to protect Anisha now. If anyone goes after her I'm to kick their ass. Now granted, Anisha and I aren't friends, but we don't hate each other. So, I'll gladly get suspended for the protection of a respected person, against her, now racist, ignorant, pathetic, bitchy, ex-best friends, who decide to call her house at two in the morning and tell her and her family to go back to India because "They aren't welcome in America anymore." Well, then fuck America.
I depise people who shun others because of petty things. Somewhat like bible-banging fuckwits who are so uptight about homosexual marrigaes, interracial relationships, different religions comming together, and age differences. Love is love, get over it. I don't hate everyone, just a few select people who I'd love to see shot. Very...very few people. Probably not you.

"The only safe place anymore, is our minds."

:: 2005 27 February :: 4.59pm

...I've nothing to say....farewell

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:: 2005 26 February :: 8.39am

Eric is so...I don't know. He loves a girl, is dedicated, when she disappears it's not long until he's with another one. He's a definate cuddler though, and incredibly sweet. But I fear for him. He's been hurt so many times.
He is the Jack Skellington of Hot Topic at the mall though, so nearly everyone loves him. I don't think he sees that...:( so sad. Eric is a "must" to get with for most of the tramps who set foot in that store. He even has several stalkers who follow him home. They don't even see him for who he is. I see that Eric is a self sacrificing, and self-destructive, but very sweet and caring person. He's about as traditional gothic as it gets. Uber goth... He referred me to some awesome bands. Nick Cave (from the Bauhaus) kicks ass with "Murder Ballads"!
I care for him, greatly. I know he thinks he has it all under control and he probably does, but, it still worries me...

"If only once I could show you what I see in you."
I thought that about someone else too.

:: 2005 25 February :: 3.01pm

I love how people will change to try to fit in. It's amusing how people care about majorities opinion to tell them how they should look or what they should like. Drones...
Why change yourself, simply because you think others will accept you then. In my opinion (which means naught, by the way) that should earn you less respect than whatever, if any, you had to begin with.
I feel like I have just been awakened from a dream. I see things that apparently many people can not. I'm not stupid. I see many things, but refuse to speak of them. I've not much of a voice, but given the chance, I can tell you some things that would open your eyes, your mind...and just shut you the fuck up and stop whining. (Not that I'm much better)
I can not open a world's close-mind, but I can, make a few people see it.
Diversity...it seems to be fading away.
Sheep...

:: 2005 23 February :: 3.34pm

I wait....eternally for that shadow.

It will never appear.

Love, it's bullshit, all of it.
All I ever wanted, I've given up on it. Dead...not physically, but emotionally. I feel nothing. Nor will I ever.
Smiles are nothing but fake symbols to cover up the lies that we are killing ourselves to tell.
All of it...bullshit.
No wonder I trust no one.

4 comments | say whaaa?

:: 2005 21 February :: 5.47pm

"It's like a dramatic movie without a happy ending..."

My phrase that describes o-so much.
Because if you will open your eyes, you'll discover, that nothing truly is "happily-ever-after"

I have suicidal thoughts....
Excuse me.

2 comments | say whaaa?

:: 2005 21 February :: 2.19pm

"I remember when I said "Everyone else" it used to piss you off. Apologies were always flying with those words said. But somehow I lost feeling when the same words escaped from you.

Amazing how much pain you can cause someone without realizing it...or maybe you do."

Excerpt from a short story.

Experience is not so fictional though.

So much that could have been done another way.

I'm not dwelling on it anymore though.

2 comments | say whaaa?

:: 2005 21 February :: 9.15am

Just for you Jessica.
Well, another appointment, with another doctor. Not much to be excited about. But anyway, I think I shall work on a few thing I've been procrastinating.
My mother and I have been arguing over who's Batman and who's Robin. I'm Batman....(Batgirl I suppose) She bought me a Hotwheels Batmobile...haha. Okay, well, Zoloft still sucks, I hate it. I've been running around parking lots in my long coat yelling "I'm Batman!"

So yeah, I've been off.
Later.

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:: 2005 20 February :: 10.02pm

Yeah...I'll no longer update. I figure no one reads it anyway.
So in the situation that anyone does choose to make contact with me, you should know how to reach me.
Believe me, I'm not expecting anything.

4 comments | say whaaa?

:: 2005 20 February :: 10.58am

Zoloft sucks...it only makes me more depressed than "I already was" even though I never was. Anyway, I followed Eric around for a while yesterday. I can't remember half of whatever the Hell I did because I was so far off it wasn't even funny. Nearly passed out a few times. Tore my favourite coat on my new lethal, but decorative, weapon. Also somehow got the damn thing attached to my arm and it hurt like Hell!
I'm done, farewell.

:: 2005 17 February :: 7.39pm
:: Music: Bleed The Dream - Villian

I could be the villain in your little book of break ups
I could be a page in your little book of break-ups

(I'm never letting go)
I tear into myself again
My skin rips like paper
I'll never trust myself again

You're heart breaks like glass
I should have been the hero in your little book of make-ups
(But that ending wasn't meant to be)
I should have been the figure in your little book of make-ups

(I'm never letting go)
I tear into myself again
My skin rips like paper
I'll never trust myself again

You're heart breaks like glass
And still I find a way
To find the brilliance of your insight in this lifetime
I won't regret

(I'm never letting go)
(I'm never letting go)
I tear into myself again
My skin rips like paper
I'll never trust myself again

You're heart breaks like glass

:: 2005 17 February :: 3.06pm

Zoloft only makes the pain worse. "Use with caution in people with suicidal thoughts." I guess that didn't apply to me until now.

Nothing has a purpose anymore, the world is just, gone.

Congratulations judgmental parents and others, I never was depressed, now I'm leaning so far over the fucking edge I might as well just stop balancing.
In fact that might make some (most) people happy.
Oh wait I'm giving myself too much credit, they wouldn't notice....

:: 2005 15 February :: 7.22pm

Ah fuck it....you all know as well as I do I'm not going anywhere.

I've no where else to go.
It's hard to accept and believe, but what other explanation is there?

In any situation, whether or not anyone hates me...you still mean something to me.

like it or not

:: 2005 15 February :: 3.06pm

If anyone is by chance reading this....do you think he still knew I loved him?

Life is no more....he was life....

:: 2005 14 February :: 8.32pm

Forever yours.....

Forever...

Forever.

:: 2005 14 February :: 8.21pm
:: Music: Nightwish - Ghost Love Score

....It can't be true....I will not accept it!

...it's not anything from me means anything anyway.

THIS CAN'T BE FUCKING HAPPENING!!!!
You may not have thought I cared....how wrong...how so sorrowfully wrong.

A lonely tear, that fall with the rain, into the darkness of oblivion.
I'll fade away...

:: 2005 13 February :: 9.33am
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Zeraphine

After a while...it doesn't hurt anymore.
Still going to the psychiatrist on Wednesday.
I'm going to biotechnology next year...I'd be learning the same chemistry in my junoir year in high school, as sophomores in college are learning. Then physics my senior year plus other chemistry courses.
Wooo I can become a pharmacist after 6 more years of school. Also I shall be doing interior designing for people and other odds and ends for the mass majority of stupid people's better living.
Now all of this is possible if I get accepted to biotech and college later down the road.

I despise the human race...specifically, my family, anyone living in Cortland, and various other people.

Oh yeah and my internet was being a piece of shit, not like you care, but if you were wondering why I wasn't here...which I doubt you were.
Why?
Hey, they're your reasons not mine....

2 comments | say whaaa?

:: 2005 8 February :: 7.20pm
:: Mood: content

I woke up....welcome to reality hun, you'll be disappointed, you'll be a dissapoint-ment- but that's life, get over it, slap on a fake smile and go out into the world with the thought "You all suck, I rock...go to hell" Yeah! I'm better, sorry about the last few days, I've been on the verge of skitzophrenia (?) Luckily I have an appointment with a psychologist on the 16th By that time I shall have minipulated the minds of those around me and probably the shrink, to convince them I am fine. Which I am....stop judging me!!! I'm fine, really. Erm, yeah so anyway. I'm fine, hope everyone else is good...or at least okay....I'm over it, I grew up, I poped back into reality. I shall be off to school again tomorrow with a straight face and the thought that I rock...they all suck....hahaha.

Later

"I'm so goth, everytime I knock on someone's door, they give me candy." OBVIOUSLY not my quote.

:: 2005 7 February :: 5.39pm
:: Mood: lonely

Fuck it! I'll be in the cemetery at dawn.

Fuck everything!

I QUIT!!!!

I don't know what's wrong with me....I just want to die......

[edit]

But for what it's worth, I've still been thinking....

:: 2005 7 February :: 1.04pm
:: Music: Since You've Been Gone

If by chance (I'm not expecting) anyone wants me within the next twelve hours, call me. (330-637-1546) If not, consider me gone by one a.m. I'm starting anew, for how ever long I may live. Whether I be in the lake, at the cemetery, walking along a deserted road alone, or still sitting in my room thinking about how I could have ran away, left it all behind, but stayed, I will not have changed who I am, but how I do things. If I want it, I'll get it. If I hate it, I'll leave it. If I die while I'm out alone with whatever I felt like taking, so be it. I have a new inspiration to leave. Give a good reason and I'll torture myself here longer for your sake. I have a feeling I won't get any reasons to stay, because...well, I'm nothing worth anyone's time.
So, yeah, later....or not.

"Listen to the wind through the bare winter's trees, you'll hear my voice. Look to the midnight sky, I'll be looking for you. Run to the shadows for comfort...I'll hold you in the darkness' embrace."

:: 2005 6 February :: 6.11pm
:: Music: Time Only Knows....depressing

What words escaped my mouth that ever had meaning?

You tell me.

I've apparently dropped off the face of the planet. I've no reason to stick around anymore.

Farewell...

:: 2005 5 February :: 8.55am

Thrill me...say something...

Bye!

:: 2005 4 February :: 3.19pm

I failed American History....my mother is going to kill me. But that should tell you something about my feelings on America
I
do
not
care!

I'm still considering moving to London.
OOOOOH! I'm going into a biotechnology college preparation course next year! Maybe, either that or AFJROTC or Animal management, they have turantulas and snakes! That's my station, back off! Eh, I'm in an odd mood despite the fact my mother will kill me.

I need to work on my latest story, I'm trying to make it as...unhappy as possible. I am so sick of seeing happily ever after's and all that happy go lucky "I found the true meaning of life" bullshit. To Hell with anything that has to do with happiness and bright sunny days in the medows daydreaming about romance. Ick! More like sitting in the cemetery, a knife in hand thinking about your best friend just dieing and how you're going to kill several people. There you go.

Nothing better than falling asleep every night wishing not to wake up, and you still do. Damnit! If the majority of humanity disappeared, the earth never rotated from night on this side, and there was an eternal raging storm going on, I'd be content. But as long as the sun still rises, the earth is over populated with parasitical whores, and it's a "happy, warm, sunny day" I say fuck it!

Later....

[UPDATE]

I was so tempted to ask my ex- Andy to come pick me up. Then I remembered that if I were to get in a car with him, I'd probably end up with my throat slashed, blood in the lake water around me and a black rose in my hair. That's how he wanted to kill me. So romantic, eh? Hahaha. Ronnie could have picked me up...but he's dead! Eric is working. Jenna lives in Missouri so unless I want to wait forever for her to find me then that's out. Terri hates me. Caylie's off somewhere with Dale. I could track down that...John guy and see if he has anything to do. So unless I find a way out of here, I'm up for another night of typing to myself.
Unless anyone of you would rather strike up a conversation. Heh, if anyone wants me, all of my messengers are on my profile.

:: 2005 3 February :: 3.00pm

I'm no longer afraid to say goodbye. I'm no longer afraid to admit I was being childish. I wish you the best, nothing less. I hope everything lasts for a very...very long time.

:: 2005 2 February :: 3.01pm

Consider me dead as of the end of tonight....not that I really will be...but one can only hope.

I'm sorry for being such a problem for so many people.

I really am.

:: 2005 1 February :: 3.33pm

Eh, whatever....I'll be working on a few stories for as long as I possibly can to fucking forget about everything else. The past hurts to look back on, so I'm looking forward. Mainly toward demise but whatever gets in my way in the mean time...I'll just gun down and keep walking...or running since I can do that again now. I've been in denial all my life, but I'm finally accepting that it's not my fault. If I die before I really want to, I hope you all find that, you're so much better off....either that or your life sucks...either way, at least I've been able to fuck you all over, or make your lives, just a bit better (I HIGHLY doubt that)
Heh, anyway, now that I'm through being a bitch even though I know you don't give a fuck, but if you do, I probably wasn't talking about you. I have nothing against you. At least until you piss me off. But I'm not that easily offended or hurt unlike most people who are. Go ahead, say anything, think anything, you know, even come up to me in person and scream at me to your hearts content, I do not care anymore. I have no time for stupidity...so save your whining for someone who cares...I'm done.
Farewell...

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