<center><font color=white>Leagan .08<br>'Masquerade'</center></font>

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Leagan .08
'Masquerade'

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:: 2005 14 January :: 3.05pm
:: Mood: I do not have the slightest idea

"If only once, it will be eternal."

This has many meanings.....

"If only in death shall it be....then let it be."

This crossed my mind when it finally dawned on me that I could die...
But it also has a few meanings behind it. Some more outstanding than others.

"For what lies in mind but wishes we soon deny after."

Meaning only one thing to me. We think of things that we wish would or would not happen. But we deny it soon after the thoughts because we fear what it will bring with it.

"Do not question my intelligence by a letter. Do not think my wisdom naive because of a number."

I think you can figure that out.

I'll post a poem or something later or tomorrow.

:: 2005 13 January :: 8.44pm
:: Mood: worried

...I was wrong. Now we're not sure if it's actually serious or not. My heart rate is irregular and can go from 46 to 191 bpm. I didn't think it would bother me if it was dangerous. But I thought it through...and I have to sustain making a scene with a public outburst of tears.
I have to go to a cardiologist for a second opinion as to whether or not I'll need surgery.

I understand what could happen in any situation and now I'm terrified of losing who and what I have.

All of you.

:: 2005 13 January :: 4.37pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Lisa Gerrard - Laurelei

Okay so I definately over reacted yesterday. I do actually want to remain alive. I mean sure, I hate doctors, I hate pills, and I definately hate doctors shoving pills down your throat with every damn appointment, but that's one of my more infinitesimal problems at the moment.
Today was messed up beyond belief. I woke up and immediately knew something was wrong or something was going to happen. Yet another small problem but growing with the minutes.
Being too emotional at irrational times, another tiny problem.
Still being sick...the least of my worries but one of my greater annoyances.
Feeling like hell, I'll get over it.
Being out on a warm, bright day, slight problem.
Finding out Adam is depressed...big problem.
Bo could be sick, another problem.

But there is a better part of the day.....

No, I lied, today just all around sucks in most aspects.

:: 2005 12 January :: 1.48pm

And by the way, I don't hate you, just to clear that up.

You're actually the reason I'm still here.

:: 2005 12 January :: 1.38pm
:: Mood: NOT happy

Just give me a damn gun...that's all I ask.
Okay so I'm going to live, I'm on more fucking medication, I'm stuck in a world full of fucking stupid fuckwits! I WISH I WASN'T ALIVE! But of course knowing my luck I'll live until I'm 90! FUCKING DAMNIT I HATE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW! (Maybe not everything...) I'm going to go scream until I lose my voice and emotionally harm myself until I finally convince my pathetic little brain that all it takes is just one little pull of the trigger, or one nice long slit, or what the hell? Just one quick jab with a sword.

But you know damn well, I'd never do it. Why? Because I've failed at failure, that's why!

I really am the worst fucking thing on this planet.

:: 2005 10 January :: 5.01pm

Statements and questions said or asked of me.
"Pretend it never happened, you've never seen it, nor heard it...because you're too afraid to speak of it."
That happens a lot if you stop to think about it. Well, at least I've noticed it does.

"If you truely love them, you should have nothing to fear."
But is it wrong to fear losing them?

"Stop trying to make things right...you only get in the way."
Not surprising.

"If it weren't for you, I'd still be happy!"
Also not surprising.

"Have you ever wondered what people really think of you?"
Nope. I trust their word and if they lie...oh well, at least I'm worth the effort of lying to.

"Do you even care at all?"
If your name isn't Adam, Bo, Carley, or Eric then no, not really.

"If I were to die a horrible, tragic death, right in front of you, would you care then?"
Refer to the above, and actually, I'd probably laugh if I never cared to begin with.

"You're going to hell."
Really? Took you that long to figure it out.

"Why do you love him?"
Oh here we go. First of all "him" has a name, and it's Adam! Now, onwards. Because he's very intelligent, talented, caring, I trust him, I love everything about him, I love his work, I also love his son, he's extremely attractive ;) he's sweet, honest, witty, funny, he makes me smile, he makes me feel like I'm actually someone. Need I continue? No? Ah too bad. Adam makes me feel better, he's kind, he and Bo are worth every second of my time and every last little bit of love and devotion I have in my overly enthusiastic cold little black heart. And believe it or not, there's a lot in there!

And now I'll inform you that, this entire post was just to lead up to that last question and answer.

:: 2005 10 January :: 4.03pm
:: Mood: good

Just a piece of a conversation I was carrying on with Eric...he scares me, but he's nice.

PhoenixNaito: So, my mother told you about my issues eh?
Mindsuckr: Aye
Mindsuckr: Feeling better
Mindsuckr: you're alright
Mindsuckr: alive
Mindsuckr: better
PhoenixNaito: I'm alive for the moment, I'll tell you on Wednesday and right now I'm sick.
Mindsuckr: With?
PhoenixNaito: I have no idea.

Eric's a good friend. He's been sick as well, with the same thing I have only he might have a fever, my temperature never exceeds 97 F. I think once it was 94...that was awesome! I love my one thermometer, it only reads out in celcius so it's amusing to see people's faces when they read it. That and leaving an upside down broom with a hanger and fishnet shirt on it in a huge boot (Eric Lite!) sitting in the living room overnight and hearing the hilarious stories of my father thinking it was an alien....I nearly died when I heard that.

:: 2005 9 January :: 12.38pm

Actually, fuck the previous entries.

All I'm doing is whining and I fucking hate whining.

So,
there you go.

Now I'm just going to sit here....waiting patiently....until Adam comes back.

:: 2005 9 January :: 9.51am
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: Epica - Cry For The Moon

I am to return to the doctors on Wednesday. I know I shouldn't be worried but I am. I fear what her words could be.
It is possible that I may have to undergo surgery if there is something wrong. I never consider surgery serious, hell, I wouldn't even consider brain surgery serious.
But, if this should happen even more restrictions would be placed upon me. I'm not one to deal well with being restricted in case you already didn't know that.
Perhaps I'm simply over-reacting. Maybe I'm just being childish...
I don't know.

:: 2005 7 January :: 9.43pm

Monitor is off, I'm slightly content, I still miss Adam, I still despise school, I'm still in an odd mood, I'm still trying to devise a plan to take over the world, still looking for someone to be Emperial Overlord....yeah, any takers?

Adam would be a good Emperial Overlord....I'm commander of weaponry! Hahahaha! Okay I'm done...sort of.....for now

:: 2005 6 January :: 3.01pm
:: Mood: irritated
:: Music: I have no idea what this is, Green Day? I hate that band.

Damn doctors!
Damn this thing is so irritating! I'm complaining I know I'll shut up in a minute. It's bad enough I have to try to live out daily life through a box and wires. What the hell!? "Go out and run, do some strenuous exercises, drink caffine, pretend it's like a two day vacation." Okay first of all, if I were on a vacation, I wouldn't have wires all over me, I wouldn't have to be in school, and I wouldn't be doing things that could either severely hurt me or kill me! Honestly, this damn thing hurts, it's irritating, I have to watch everything I do so no one breaks it, and I can't do anything withough pulling on wires! From now on, even if I think I'm on the verge of dieing, I'm not going to say a word...well, for the sake of keeping who and what I love, I suppose I can deal with the irritation of wires...heh, and they think stress could be the problem. Well, yeah, I'm going to be stressed with wires and a box attached to me while trying to finish two projects and study for continuous tests, while living out my annoying, 'daily life'.
The only reasons I am ever happy, content, or calm are as follows:
1) Adam, Bo, Carley, Andy, and Eric (Caylie annoys the hell out of me)
2) The sun still sets, the world is still cast into the shadows when the majority of people sleep, but I in all honesty, thrive to live it.
3) Knowing that even though people think I am strange, or stupid, I know more than they do. (In terms of life, and other things, don't start with school or you'll hear another rant)
4) Music, can't live without music.
5) My view of the world, I've always seen it differently, I always will, and I love the way I see it.

So, there you go, I'm done.

:: 2005 5 January :: 1.15pm
:: Mood: contemplative

Okay, I hate hospitals, and yet I have to go to one to have a monitor put on. They want to be sure I don't have a serious heart condition symptomized by the last two episodes I had during school. The last one wasn't as bad as the first but any situation, I have issues.
It could just be stress from school. Very stressful. I hope that's all it is.

:: 2005 3 January :: 3.26pm

It's....really pathetic when you're -that- bored that an idea once thought to be a stupid joke turns into a nightmarish reality.

It was Eric's idea! Now I have to fear pictures of me hugging a broom getting out into the public!

:: 2005 2 January :: 6.40pm
:: Mood: whatever

After a few days everything should be back to whatever the hell 'normal' is for me.
Happy early birthday...to me. I'm technically 23 hours ahead of schedule but I probably won't be here tomorrow so, yay for me, 16 years of hell. Only two more before I finally get out of here. I'm being arrogant, I'm going back to writing something and blacking out my face in pictures.

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:: 2005 2 January :: 2.46pm
:: Mood: I don't think it can be described

....updated

There you go.
I'm going back to bed.

Actually, I have something to say. I've only wanted one thing my entire life....I've found it. Now I'm so terrified to lose it, I beg not to wake up if it's not meant to last. I'm so terrified, that I think everything I do is wrong. I'm so terrified to lose you, because you are you. You're everything.

And I'm sorry.

:: 2005 1 January :: 3.06pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Screams in my head

Went for my walks, stood down at the lake watching the slowly rippling water under thin ice, decided against walking in, watched shadows, stared at the cemetery, then stayed online until about one a.m.
Overall, it sucked.
But, the lake was nice, quiet, dark, cold, next to the cemetery, and left me in solitude....so that was the main point of the evening.
Besides making a cheap Eric out of a green broom and fishnet...it was his idea! It was nice to see him smile though.

....I miss Adam.

:: 2004 31 December :: 10.41am
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Zeraphine

New Year's....yay....
Plans for New Year's eve/day....walking down cold, deserted midnight streets to the lake by the cemetery, and random walks to who knows where. Then returning shortly before sunrise and terrorizing the people with hangovers.

Seems like fun...

I guess

Or I could always spend the night on the computer, that's always fun.

:: 2004 30 December :: 4.51pm

It's hard to say what I feel, because I don't know.
I've passed out twice...I don't think that's a good thing. I've been crying and I didn't even notice until I looked in a mirror.
I'm concerned about Adam. I want everything to be alright, but all I can do is try to be here....
I'm so fucking useless!

I've feel like I'm going to die....but I want to stay.
You can't give me a reason to change my mind.

:: 2004 30 December :: 9.39am
:: Mood: tired

I suppose I should update...
I love Adam.
I love Bo.
I've been sitting on my ass for who knows how long....that's not hard to figure out.
I've found cartoons of "Foamy the Squirrel"...I wont even get into it.
Monday...I've changed it from "Sweet 16" to "Scary 16" beause I, am not "sweet" in any aspect, or so I've noticed. But the whole "never been kissed" thing, is true, not surprising.
And I'll stop at this.

:: 2004 27 December :: 6.19pm
:: Mood: contemplative

I felt the need to write these down as the many thoughts run through my mind. I'm fairly sure I've used these all at one point or another.
"Fade with me into the shadows...I can show you everything." First said on a midnight walk alone in the rain.
"Don't try to get my sympathy, you were blind of the world from the begining, how is this different?" Arguement with an old friend.
"If only one thing were to last for eternity, my love for Adam would be it." Said kneeling by a tree, feeling my tears feeze to my face.
"I should have been there." Oh so many times.
"Well, I'll put it this way. If you don't shut up and leave them and me alone, I'm going to rip your head off, shove it up your ass, stab you repeatedly, then if I still have time before the cops get here, I'll see how far I can throw your dismembered body!" Once...stalker....um yeah anyway, I'm done.

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:: 2004 27 December :: 2.35pm
:: Mood: depressed

Somehow I feel I've done something horribly wrong, but I don't know what it could be. I'm not trying to complain but...something doesn't feel right.
Maybe it's the sunlight, the lack of darkness, too much sleep....the distance. It could be anything.
But, I won't start freaking out. As long as you're still here and night still darkens the earth in a beautiful silence of shadows, I'll be content.

:: 2004 25 December :: 4.17pm
:: Music: Nightwish - Wanderlust

Finally, the major part of writing and revision of that damn story is complete.
I love this song.
I was the only person on here for a while. Probably because most people have a life! Right now my life is on the other side of an internet connection with his son....take a wild guess.
I hate waking up earlier than needed. Believe me, if no one disturbs me, I could sleep endlessly. Oh well, I have a few reasons to wake up. Adam, Bo, Carley, Andy, Eric. Also showing all the jackasses who wished I died through the night, that I made it another day.
I do wish some people would just die...and in all honesty, call me a terrible, evil, heartless person, but I wouldn't care. I could name a few (hundred) people right now but for the sake of boring you, I'll leave it at this.

:: 2004 23 December :: 9.46pm
:: Mood: Concerned...greatly
:: Music: Epica - Cry For The Moon

I'll always be here...

I promise.

:: 2004 22 December :: 11.16pm
:: Music: Nightwish

Dream
I still have the crazy dream of walking through a dead tree forest. Watching a city burn for eternity. Feeling the eternal cold. Hearing a wolfs cry to the moon over the unmistakable screams of horror and pain from those dieing....am I a horrible person for that?
An odd thing is, I don't even have to be asleep to see it.

This reminds me all too much of a poem I've written some time ago. I'll post it tomorrow.

:: 2004 22 December :: 11.19am
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: Nightwish

If you could see the world through another's eyes, would you?
If you were to see the world as they see it would you begin to wonder how they could possibly see it that way? Or would you already know?
Would you feel differently about them? Yourself? The world?
Would you really want to see it?
This just crossed my mind earlier....but I would.

:: 2004 21 December :: 3.46pm
:: Mood: worried
:: Music: Nightwish - Two For Tragedy

For once....just let them say yes....

:: 2004 20 December :: 1.31pm
:: Music: Yoko Shimomura - Dearly Beloved

"Fade away, just like all the times before, but say it will be alright, even though, I don't belive you anymore." This could apply to so many things. It's really disappointing, knowing I could have fufilled someone's last wishes, and I wouldn't even listen. This has happened more than once. It's painful, knowing I was responsible...for all of them, and I failed.

:: 2004 19 December :: 9.16pm

Thank you so much Carley for this. I can not express my gratitude enough. Now I have a place I can rant or post some of my lastest work. This, and talking with Adam and Carley, has made my day.

And Adam added a song! The only way this day could get better is if I finished my latest novel.

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:: 2004 19 December :: 9.00pm
:: Mood: busy
:: Music: none

Woohu
New journal.
Layout: Carley

:: 2004 2 June :: 7.38pm

Who paid for my woohu? I know that I sure as hell didn't do it. I really don't know who did it. Whatever who ever did it thanks.
Well I haven't updated in a while so i am now. Addison and I have been going out for almost 13 months. I love him so much. I went to his house today. I had a lot of fun but then we got into some sort of argument. I guess that you really can't call it an argument but it was close enough.
So I went to Jackies on Thursday. It was fun, I learned a lot about her and me.
Well I really don't know what else to write.
Addison... I LOVE YOU

Katie

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