chain-wolf
|
::
2005 16 November :: 4.13pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Taproot: Lost In The Woods
The Structure Slowly Unravels
[ A nice friend wanted me to start a new journal so she could read what I had to write. I don't know why. I started one. Livejournal. Bleh. ... Whatever. I'll still be posting here though! I'll just take the entries I write and copy and paste'em. Why you ask? 'Cause I had a journal here first; for another friend. And I ain't just stoppin' for no damn good reason. Dai. <3 ]
----
Fractures:
Nov. 15th, 2005 | 08:14 pm
mood: confused
music: Guano Apes: Break The Line
Entry #001 Status: Online
Uplink Status: Nanotechnology filtering through cerbral passages...
System Control Status: %99.7
//////////
Upload Progress: %0.001
//////////
----
Random input. Mind disheveled and sectioned into fragments.
It's easier to drift silently through the days this way.
All these emotions and feelings suddenly crashing down my walls.
If I don't keep areas of myself locked away I'm afraid I cannot function.
The world scares me. I do not wish to be here. But here I am.
And my being here means I have to do something. I cannot sit idly by.
Nor can I terminate my current existance. My options are few.
I do not know where to find comfort. I do not know how to lament unto others.
I cannot tell you everything that plagues me. The obvious surface errors are there.
But I cannot breathe if I try to swim too far down.
Is it possible to suffocate one's self with himself?
I am in need of a complete recalibration of self. I do not know how to do this.
There are things I must accomplish. I have goals. But I cannot seem grasp motion.
It is hard to make myself stand and move to get these things done.
They need to be done. They need completion. Why am I unable to?
I...
----
//////////
Upload Progress: %76.9 - Error in Transmission
//////////
System Status: Restarting...
*************************
...Hope \\ Less...
Nov. 16th, 2005 | 04:11 pm
mood: apathetic
music: Rammstein: Laichzeit
...laichzeit!
I don't know why. I've always just wanted to complain.
About this particular subject since it was brought to my attention; again.
About people whom make journals; and empty theirs heads in them.
This is pretty much what a journal is for in my opinion.
You jot down what's troubling you. Anything at all.
All these people get worked up over somethings. Like other's.
Lets say; the extremely "emotional" or depressed.
Sometimes one's only option is to spit it all out into text.
And behind their back's; though sometimes not other's ridicule 'em.
For fuck's sake. Who cares if you can make the entry private or not?
Maybe these kids post their torment so other's may read...
...And perhaps jot down a helpful note? They don't spill their lives
onto meaningless textual pages for other's to read for nothing you know.
But anyway. I think I might sound a bit unorganized. Oh well.
A journal is a journal. Anything at all can be thrown into one.
Who cares if it's made public? You don't have to thrown down ont the matters
going on in someone else's life. Fuckers. =D
...........
Whatever.
I almost forgot what I was going to make an entry about.
But I recall now. My dilema. *Sigh.* ...
Finding a job is so tedious and annoying. Not to mention very difficult!
I'm not a people person. I have problem talking and getting my words out.
It's hard for me to get up in the morning and wander outside to even walk
downtown; even though it is a mere few blocks away. Pathetic, I know. But.
As it is... myself. My options are limited. I will not work at a gas station.
I will not serve in a restuarant. I will not work a cash register. These things
I don't want to do because I can't talk to people well enough to do them.
I find myself in a bind. A real bad position. I wish I could bring myself to get
over it but I cannot. And it sometimes hurts. ... I did however go down to the
local post office today. The guy was real matter of fact when he said they
were not hiring. He sort of sounded like he was having bad day. Not my problem.
I will not work at a food store either. I need to find something I can do that
doesn't involve my interaction with many people. I mean, I'm not so closed that I cannot work with other people. But I can't deal with people, such as customers.
I'm just hoping that the local high school has some openings. Janitorial work most likely, but I can handle that. I worked there as a technology intern one summer. I know most of the people there, having gone there for nearly four years. I feel comfortable there.
...........
What am I to do?
[ End. ]
In The Face.
|
|
chain-wolf
|
::
2005 14 November :: 6.17pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Taproot - Forever Endeavor
Who knows?
Only time will tell...
Welcome to another inept update! Brought to you by none other than the person whom is sitting here typing this pointless crap! Hooray for you! ... Why are you even reading? (A question I find a lot of people put in their journals. So why not just keep up with the trend? XD)
i am so lamez... dont raed my jurnal... i r wasing ur time... ;)
So anyway.
The Quest For A Job Prt.1:
Monday: Nov. 14th: Day 1 - Checked out the high school for job openings. Sterling, my buddy says they should have a bunch of openings soon. Awesome. This is good. If so I can work here. After all, is it not good to start out working someplace you know? Hell, I went to this school for four years! I don't mind hangin' around cleaning it up and what not. =D
--
Current bands on my playlist:
Massive Attack
Taproot
Razorlight
Rage Against The Machine
Kittie
Unearth
Gravity Kills
Fear Factory
Dir en Grey
Eighteen Visions
Deadsy
D'espairs Ray
--
Blah, blah, blah. Once again. I am done.
Gone.
Attempt to smile.
In The Face.
|
|
chain-wolf
|
::
2005 11 November :: 12.02pm
:: Mood: uncomfortable
:: Music: Zeromancer: Lamp Halo
A Smudge Across A Bleak Canvas
I havn't been online in some time. I don't mean to inflict any level of sorrow on anyone I talk to regularly. I just havn't had the desire to step before the textual masses of those whom lurk over the net.
No need to worry; I am alive and breathing. Though I still feel the pressure inches from my throat.
I'm avoiding life right now, or trying. I have to gear up and go out into the real world and find a place to work so that I may have a source of income.
I still find it scary and cannot get over it. I have spent the entire span of this week playing World Of Warcraft; an MMORPG. (Mass Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game; for all you abreviate illiterate folks randomly stumbling over to read this inept post.)
I currently live a sad little "life"... if one could call it such. I feel drained. I feel like a smudge across a beautifully bleak canvas. Something that should not be.
I feel even more so pathetic for acting so pathetic. What the fuck me? I should hit myself upside the head.
But anyway.
Lets take a change here and talk about other crap! Music. Music is good.
In Flames new album will be coming out in February 7th '06. I can't wait for this release. I love this band. Woot.
Nightwish has cast out their singer Tarja. This makes me sad, even though her outlook on things displeased me. I didn't know she had been like she was. She has such an amazing voice. But I hope the best for Nightwish and Tarja in her solo career. This shall surely not be The End Of All Hope.
One of my favorite black metal bands of all time has decided to reform! All hail EMPEROR!!! I am VERY pleased with this.
Korn's new single "Twisted Transistor"... was something less than desire to hear. I agree with a lot of other people that they are going down the drain. None the less, I shall give their new album a listen when it comes out.
Achtung!! Rammstein's new CD should be good! I listened to the clips they had and the new video they shot for Benzin. Good, good, good! Can't wait to get this album either. Woot, woot. Specially since they have a new song and they use a mexican band in it. With the trumpets and shit. And it's sung in Spanish! .. What's better than german metal with mexican influence? And huge german's singing to you in spanish.. uh.. maybe a huge burrito with a keg of jager? Who knows! .....
And finally.. not too long ago KMFDM came out with a new album; "Hau Ruck" ... And I got that. Awesome. I really liked it. "New American Century" and "Professional Killer" are my favorite songs. Another smashing release by these guys.
Finally, finally. The Smashing Pumpkins may get back together?! Uh... that'd be cool. I really didn't like Billy's newest solo album. Personally, I thought his singing sounded terrible. Bleh.
.....
Yeah.
I'm done.
Smile.
1 PWNED |
In The Face.
|
Jaganshi
|
::
2005 30 October :: 1.02am
I return for a quick post.
3 PWNED |
In The Face.
|
|
chain-wolf
|
::
2005 12 October :: 5.34pm
:: Music: Android Lust - Amnion
If The Words On a Page Ever Gave A Damn...
Song: Default - One Thing Remains
You ever just want to sit down and just type, or write, or whatever? When you really don't have a reason to do it at all. You've said all there was to say earlier in the day. So what else do you have to talk about? There are always those little things on your mind and all the secret things you'll never admit to or talk about. Things no one should know, and that no one would care to know. Maybe you just want to ramble on about useless things that people will end up not reading once they get to a certain point of intep babble. Ah hell, they could be bored and read your entire pointless rant. I don't know. I guess right at this moment I am putting off finishing up my second project for my Graphics class.
Song: Gorillaz - Kids With Guns
For this project we had to look at some magazine adds of our choice. And then looked at it from a designer or engineers point of view I guess. Like, before they put all the shit on the add they have a layout or something... So, we pretty much turn the text into lines or whatever, images into shapes and concepts. Pretty much ending up with a black and white layout looking thing. Kinda odd to explain without something to look at and say, oh.. that's what y'mean.
Turning his head to monsters... turning his head to fire...
Drinking out. Pascifier. ...... Hm hm hm. Kids with guns.
Easy does it, easy does it........
Woohu.
Song: Ljungblut - Twirl
October is goin' by at a moderate pace. I've got an orthodontist appointment on Monday. I need to talk to the guy about getting my wisdom teeth pulled. I only have three coming in. But I had to pull teeth to get braces. They had to pull a tooth forward too. And now with the wisdom teeth crowding, that tooth is moving backward... I'm a bit freaked out. I lost my retainer.. havn't had it in since Saturday night. I can feel my tooth back further than the others, but still align with the rest thankfully. $110 for a new retainer. A piece of plastic. It's fucking insane. And dumb. Bah. ... And mom is low on money this time of year. $500 to get the oil tank half filled to heat the house. $160 to fix the heater pump so we could heat the house. $120 to fix the washer machine. $110 for my sister's retainer that she also lost 'cause she's a dumb blond. I was drunk and really stoned and don't remember where I put mine. I could've eaten it for all I know. XD .... $1000+ for college for me and Matt, our classes. $210 for art supplies for me for my class. Around $150 a month for food and stuffs. Probably a ton of other crap I can't think of right now, but yeah... But anyway. I feel SO bad about losing my retainer and mom having to pay. Grr... I'll give up Christmas presents for a retainer. I want good teeth.
That moves me onto the subject of holidays. I don't care about them. Lets start from January and move to December! =D
Song: Voltaire - God Thinks
January: New Years. I don't give a damn. Just an excuse to drink a shit ton and pass the fuck out. Woot. Good holiday.
February: Valentines Day. I no longer care. I've left my heart out on the curb and its been stepped on and ran over. I ain't got no valentine, and ain't no one gonna pick me... the holiday just seems so Grade School to me. It's pointless really. You can tell your spouse or girl you love them ANYDAY.
March, April, May, June... Easter is in there somewhere. I don't really want to explain it. It's Easter. It sucks ass. IT's a RETARDED Christian holiday to keep the kids interested. How do you get chocolate bunnies, colored eggs, crucifiction, ressurection and that shitty green plastic tinsel grass in the basket?! Fuck... did Jesus love rabbits or something? I bet he fucked rabbits. Rabbit fucker. DIRTY RABBIT FUCKING JEW. .... Oh, yeah. I hate Jesus. =D Prick!
July: 4th. Another excuse to drink some beer and set off explosives. All at the same time. Another dumb holiday. But whatever. I ain't a patriot. Fireworks... I don't care.
August, September... N/A.
October: Halloween. Ok, who doesn't like this Holiday? I don't care how old you are. You can dress up all fucked up and cool and steal candy from kids! Or just... try and go door to door. I'm short, so.. heh. Rawr.
November: Thanksgiving. Fuck you. What do I have to be thankful for? A retarded holiday I havn't celebrated for about six years now. You eat and eat more. IT's disgusting. And more so, pointless now a'days.
December: Christ.. er.. X-Mas! Last year I started to hate this holiday. This year I really do hate it. I don't like getting gifts from people cause I never have money to buy anyone anything so fuck it. IT's a religious holiday. I don't need to celebrate it. I don't need to waste my money. I can buy a gift for someone at anytime.
Song: Scarling - The Last Day I Was Happy
I asked Ash if I could have my NINJA hoodie back. She said she'd either drop by and give it to me if she had time or just give it to my sister at school. Last night anyway, she said she'd give it to my sis today. Looks like she forgot, 'cause my sis didn't bring it home. Or maybe she did give it to Shaina (my sis).. and maybe my dumb sister didn't bring it home. Heh. I bash on my sis all the time, she's actually pretty cool some of the time. Though, annoying mostly. But whatever. Good at keeping secrets from mom. ^_^
Clicking back and forth from talking to someone I ain't talked to in ages on AOL, to writing .. uh.. whatever the fuck this is. Pointless ramble of crap going on in my life I guess. Rawr.
Song: Gackt - Dispar
Woot. I love this song. =D
In other news; my right pinky knuckle is still bruised from hitting my monitor. I really need to stop hitting at an angle like I do. Ugh. Oh well. My bad I guess. .... Hm. Seems I am running out of shit to type! Oop. The song changed again. Rawr.
Song: Killing Heidi - I Am
And I don't know. 6:20pm. ... I made myself french toast for dinner. Made most of the upper house smokey too 'cause I burnt a couple pieces a bit cause I don't cook french toast often. I'm even worse when it comes to pancakes. Heh. Like... way,way worse. I suck with pancakes. Oh well. ... I got Laurell K. Hamilton's "Incubus Dreams" on paper back a few days ago. I love the Anita Blake series. Probably cause I'm obsessed with werewolves and werecreatures. Woot.
Song: 10 Years - Fault Line
Can't wait till the first few months of 2006. She's writing a book just for one of the other main-ish characters in the Anita storyline, and another book for the series. 'Micah', and 'Danse Macabre' ..... So, yay! ........... God damn I really need to get on my homewor.... er... I have to piss. .... BRB.
Song: Ayumi Hamasaki - Because Of You
And I'm back. Yep, yep. ... I really don't know what else to talk about right now. Maybe I'll just do another one of these long pointless things later on when I know what else I want to babble on about. Maybe get some stuff off my chest? Heh. Not like I'm brooding over anything. Hm. Random chicks from Sandy still trying to hang out with me. Have my home phone numer now, thanks to Matt. Oi ... Whatever. ... Nothing more to say about Ash. Hm. ... Dai's going out with Mary; no real surprise there. Blah, blah, blah. Oh! On the way home from school yesterday when me 'n Matt left early we saw Sarah on the way back into Estacada. She's a cool friend. Said she'd come stay the night Thursday. Well, about eight last night she knocks on the door and I answer it. She's so completely drunk that she can't ride the bus home, so, I let her stay over. Me being a good friend. ^_^ ... I took care of her. She threw up about fourteen times; all in the toilet though, so that's good. I got her water and helped her read shit when she wanted to check her MySpace. Ect, ect. She finally passed out, and that's when I went into my room to start writing the short eight poem compilation 'Chapter 1: Chloroform Revelations' ...
Song: Mad At Gravity - Keroseen
Apparently Adam came over last night, way later it must've been after I went to bed. Him 'n Matt woke me up this morning jumping on my bed at like 9am. Matt holds me up, and Adam stuffs his bong under my face and lights it. What a fucking way to wake up. Had a nice few hits of that. Woke the fuck up. Heh. Everyone went back to bed. At about 10:30am Sarah left to go home. Adam left later for work. His computer still here.. so he probably staying the night again.
Song: Nightwish - Romanticide
Guess that is all for now?
Song: Dark Tranquillity - In Sight
Yeah... that's it.
...
4 PWNED |
In The Face.
|
|