who isn't scared
I know no one reads any of this
That this is all just for me to channel and remember
But if you're out there please leave your comment
Only if that is you can help me
You see I am wondering if there's anyone out there who's not afraid ... who doesn't fear change, loss, falling deeper in, the darkness in their mind
Who out there isn't afraid?
I'd like to meet the person who isn't afraid, doesn't fear a lost cause, doesn't fear fear itself and just doesn't bend
A person of stone, I'd like to meet them, but they don't exist

Just Looked It Up
here's the info
Novel: Generally any work of prose fiction over 45,000 words, ranging to about 150,000 words.

Novella/Novelette: Short novel averaging 7,000 - 40,000 words. These terms are often used somewhat interchangeably, although novellas tend to be longer, and novelettes shorter.

Short Story: Prose fiction of about 2,000 - 7,500 words.

Short Short: Prose fiction under 2,000 words.

Flash Fiction: (also known as sudden fiction or micro fiction) Prose fiction under 1000, 500, or even 99 words, depending on the market or guidelines.


so I am pleased to say that Wraiths is now a Novella, hurrah
while The Truths of Dagda is stilla short story
I see Dagda as going to maybe 25,000-30,000 words and staying a novella and same with Wraitsh thught the range on that one might be more of 35,000-44,999, just short of a novel

sorry I'm obsessing over this, my writing is just the only thing I'm good at really, in fact the best way I communicate is through written word. Typed page is almost my life, short of my friends who I would die for

... idead, why not write Four Corners of Disfunction to be about 10,000-15,000 and package them together as the Novellas of Hay or some other crappy title ... some kind of representation on Comic Reality, Divine Reality and Sadistic Reality intertwining, that would kinda make a novel, well at least it would be long enough to catch someone's eye and maybe I could get it published, just one copy for fun ....

fuck, I'm ranting again, I'll shut up and just think these things from now on

Done a Bit Today
I have been productive today
Odd thing is that I've also managed to be lazy about it
Went over to Eric's place and looked after the house twice today
While there I put another day and a half worth of music, or half a gig as it were, on my computer ... very happy ... all free
Started tearing the wallpaper off of the room we're redoing
Got off around .... 3 fourths of it before I couldn't do anymore
Someone's still working on it, might be Balou
Read about fifty pages in a very boring book
And the main thing is that I maaged to pump out a hell of alot of words today
In the past day I started a new story and have pumped out 4,348 words on it
Let's think about that for a second, that's eight pages on word (including a title page)
The average novel or novella has 300 words or less to a page which means that I pumped out about 14 and a half pages
I think it's good
My other brain child, Wraiths, that's at 15,259 words or almost 51 pages and that took me three months which is still good time since it took a month to run it by some people and get them to say it was good
So back to work on Wraiths this month
And hopefully I can keep up my productivity on The Truths of Dagda (the new work)
I've also been toying with some ideas for about a month for a story, I don't have a name for it yet, but it will be something like Four Corners of Disfunction ... or something having to do with Disfunction

and as usual if anyone wants to know about any of these stories, or read them, just leave your e-mail in a comment

My Spring Break
So I spent the last few days in Chawela doing work and all that
Now here I am at Eric's house, I'm watchin it while he's in Huston
not so bad, one of his cats is satanic, but the others don't bother me so much
Besides, I just he;ped myself to 16 new CD's fresh from my burner
Now if only I could work that thingy ... there we go
This is a good job
I sit around and listen to music and use their internet, kept acess to their wireless (sneaky grin) and feed the animals and water the plants and I get paid quite large sums of money
sweet

What I Need
I'm on the floor in a sleeping bag
Low to the ground matress with ne sheets or blankets behind me
Little desk with a few sheets of paper, some incense and matches, a glass, some pills, some books and a plant to my left
Broken shair with a cushion covered in laundry off to my side
And a chair in the corner
That's all I really need
Just that, food and a bathroom
In fact I don't remember how the desk got in here
I like it simple in life
I don't ask much
All I want is a happy life
Acceptance
But that I can never have
That is to much to ask for and I know it
All else that I ask is for you all to let me mean something
To let me help at least
Or just watch
But just ... well maybe that's to much to ask too

I feel like crap
Yeah, so I'm sick
and it sucks
heh ... got some shit about what I look like when I'm sick
T: "hey ... are you tired"
me "I'm a little sleep deprived"
T "well ... you don't look sober"
me "............ oh"
Brooke "yeah, ya look like ya been doin crack man"
me " (sneeze) oh ..... shit"

What I Want
There is one thing I know
One truth that I have always held to myself
I don't care if I'm poor, rich, starving, fat, fit, flab, or anything like that
I don't mind all that

All I really want is to be accepted
I just want to be cared about I guess

But my faith in people was crushed
I am never sure if anyone cares or why they care or how much
I'm all alone, no one ever said I liked it, it's just the way I'm built, and it pisses me off
That I can't be normal, that I can't be happy

But there's one thing I care about more than being loved, being cared for
That's caring for those I love
I want to see you all happy
I'd give my life for all of you a thousand times over if I thought it would help
I want to do what I can to help you all
That's why I want to help and now I know why
That is more important to me than my own happiness, your happiness
I want to help
I've given up on me
And I don't want you all to give up on you
Please let me help, that's all I want in life
To help and see you all happy, at least once before I'm gone I want to see you all truely happy

let's take a look back
just for a moment think
what am I?
what have I done that was worth anything?
These questions I must ask myself, as I see that I have been trying to learn about me, and all I do is look at small issues
The Twitchy is
fairly intelligent
normal on a few levels
wonderfully weird to quote a few people
trying to help
anti-social
sometimes a jackass
sad
depressed
tired
ridden with disorders
fairly strong
not a burden
slow
nostalgic
socialistic
anti-american
a mediocre violinist
hard working
clutz
ditz, to name a few
foolish
not quick to learn
not fond of change
confused

the cons outweigh the pros
I am not important but to a few
and it's my fault
-sigh- another day to go and I'm feeling

depressed, sad, hopeful, remenescient, weary, tired, confised, bored, sick of it all, pissed off, all of this and I've only been up for one and a half hours ........ 14 hours and 11 min til sleep

I don't know what the hell is going on
I find myself laughing
Not because I'm happy, but because life gets more and more futile
and it makes me laugh

There are people out there who go around helping others, these people are rare, talented and ... the best damn people in the world ... and they get shit in return, I let down one of these people and I blame his going on myself
and now I found another, what a chance, and I'm not gonna let that slip by
and also her ... I'm not gonna let her slip by like some others

of course I'll never do any of this ... I'm a coward, I never act ... god I need help

how will I do anything if I can't?

I don't remember what day it is
I lose everything good in my life
I lost the only person who understood
I lost a happy life
I lost the only person who could have understood
I have lost countless listeners
I've lost friends, and grown away from family
My life has gotten progressively worse
Things get shitter and ... fuck it all
All I got, Joseph, Cyler, and Tori (as I feel Morgan's given up)
Cyler, he listens
Joseph, he doesn't like this kind of thing, depression and whatnot
Tori, she's got her own stuff to think about

I'm a coward
and a loser
and I didn't realize my oppertunity
and now it's to late
and there's no chance
story of my life
and even worse, there's nothing I can do, no one who understands, few who listen and even no reason to end it all

fuck

utter confusion
mwa hahahahahahahahahaha
I don't even know
(smiles in a sick and maniacle manner)
nothings close to done
and maybe that means I'm weak
or maybe it is almost done
or maybe I've gone insane
but I know one thing, if there are really another five sixths of my life to live, I will not be able to live through them

another topic shall we
why do you all care?
I know I'll wake up regreting all this later, but I'm really down
I know I'm going to wake up on monday and go on all happy looking, I'll take shit from everyone, and I'll be damn cheerful about it
but one day I might snap
let's hope it's not around any of you
and let me just say ... none of you can scare me away, the only thing that scares me is ... the way I feel
the emptiness
the lack of feeling really
I'm not me
I'm not anyone
I've lost myslef
I once heard someone say that you don't have to know both your mission and yourself, but just one
what if I know neither?
people think they know me
no one does
not even me
I don't know who I am
what I want
what I need
or how to cope with it all
and no one really knows me
and it's making me smile, more of a smile I thought I'd use at the end of the world

but this
none of it matters
what was there
that's how I feel
that's who I am not
but that's who I am
let me put it this way, if you took everything I said and thought in my life, stuffed it together and were able to figure out what that was ... that's me
I'm random
and worthless
but I'm not gonna end it all
I should, I've got nothing sure
but I won't, because ... what better is going to come of that
at least now I have one person who at least listens
and ... a flickering light of hope ... facing a tsunami
I need help and no one can give it
so in the end I am the one who tries to help
so I hope I can help
and I don't know what I want to do
and I ... fuck it

Another Day
Feeling better
horrid memories of the ugliest parts of light flickering in
front of my eyes, dark hands of long ago reaching into my mind and picking
it apart into near insanity, happens sometimes, but I'm feelin better now
or that's how I put it a while ago
insomnia sucks
good song ... makes me think of that one where the pyrotechnics went wrong and everything went to hell, that was fun
also makes me think that tomarrow they'll be going to see Metallica, so yeah I wish I could go
oh well, another day, gotta go to Colville, gotta try an fix the dishwasher
gotta chop wood, more for nervess than anything
visit horses
watch a movie if I feel like it
visit Will Row, see if the job's still open
go downtown, get the burning permit?
build the bin?
lot of things I should do and could do ... like shower
but for now I'm content on the floor for now

Better Now
I still want to talk to him
but I wrote a little
Had some tea
and I feel better now

Day 34 I think
Why'd it have to screw up ... I really needed to talk to him .... shit, damn this computer
I am pissed off ... really pissed off, my second stage I guess
H have so few people to talk to about what I need to say
I have already lost so many
I may have lost the only ones who understand
Maybe he does, I don't know yet
I'm alone and it pisses me off, and I know it's my fault
I need to work up the guts to talk to one of them ... one of the other people
And there's one I might be able to
But every time I think of them together I think of how minor I am, how little she cares about me
I think I need one long brake from life
And I hope the break never ends
People are shit to deal with, but deal with them I must
I wish he were on

Day 33
what do I have?
what do I get?
everything goes to shit
I have cyler, he's the only one who listens
I had someone who knew what I was thinking, but I lost him
someone's always hating me
and it seems, while all are loved or loving, here I am the peacemaker, helping spark a fire, helping with issues, helping with decisions and being the best damn person I can be
and I get no one
no one could ever like me
I'm all alone and always will be
I wonder why I get up every day
why do I even go into the world and deal with it
put on a good face, hide emotion
help people
be "me"
have some of that sustaining fun
but why do I get up
I will get up tomarrow
but why do I get up?