Day 17
So I'm sittin here
and decide to listen to Wake Up
and update the journal

they're all so sad
so am I, but, I don't know
I settle well
I just don;t even care enough anymore
not even enough to end it all
I mean, I'm gonna burn in hell anyway, about a 1 in 6,000,000 chance that I wont, not to mention couintless cults, sub-religions, native religions, unfound religions, forgotten religions, and even Buddhism
I'm a bad man, so why end it, on this side is torment and on that side is torment, though there's maybe a lesser chance of torment on the other side ... hum
I don't even believe in any of that
so why bring it up
oh well, outta enery
just keep a logical view and you'll never do anything I guess
logic sucks
so does life I guess
... shit here comes the logic
I go now

Day 15
which it almost is
and now the annoyance is over

Day 15
until this song is over

Day 15
I will make several entries

Day 15
in celebration of a new day

Day 14
we made a deal
to help eachother
and we'll do it
I think we understand eachother
maybe just a little
and we can help eachother
life might get better

Day 13
wow ... that didn't work well

Day 13
................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ filler

Day 12
Missed Day 11 ... oh well

yeah I know the RHCP aren't that good, but just bought the CD "By The Way", mainly for Can't Stop and By The Way. RHCP are a little more .... how you say .... uplifting and .... I wanna say .... no, let's be confusing ... quixotic, than what I usually listen to, but sometimes I need a little softer ... easier and lighter stuff, to maintain sanity ...

so, where this was goin in the first place, checked out the new Hastings, finally. Paid off my debt and found some cash, got new headphones and ... the CD mentioned before. .... Not that I don't have money, I just don't like takin it out ... it's there if I ever really need it ... if anyone else really needs it. It's a help fund I put almost everythin I get into, which isn't much usually, so I live off the scraps ... the little things I keep around. Why did I just say all that ...

Well, so, making note .... need CD's: Kill 'em All, Metallica Wishkah, Nirvana Lithium Single, Nirvana Wheezer, Wheezer Tommy, The Who Odalay, Beck Maybe some Misfits, Ramones, Rancid????

need cash first .... now that my monatary situation is over in my head

side by side
but estranged by feet
both similar
and endlessly different
silent
and hopefully understanding
and I care

hope that got the message across

she's readin it right now I bet, hope it doesn't offend her ... mighta've screwed it all up with that

oh well, there's food

Day 10
I feel like I've done something wrong
Something to make them all do this

.... something bad is going to happen
something very bad .... very very bad, for me or for them, but something bad ... and it's gonna hurt

................................ I fell like shit

Day 9
movin downstairs
into the main room
it had no use but my own devious plans
gotta do a speech tomarrow ... sucks
she seemed really sad today, and I can't help but think it was me ... or him ... that was the problem
hurts me to see her like that
she shouldn't have to feel like that, not now
it hurts me to see any of them like that ... it really hurts
and I wish I could help
but I know I can't
some I can't help, some I won't and ... some won't let me

heh
Blake: "Hey ... you look really creepy today."

... but I don't know why I want to help, why I want to help .......
But I want to .... it really hurts me to see their pain... and I want to take the metaphorical dead weight off their backs ... I want to help them by taking on the pain myself
Helping them hide, helping them cope, helping them run, helping them confront ...
maybe I just don't want them to end up like me ..............................................................

Shit ... I need help and I want to help them ... I'll fall soon ... and maybe things will be better without me

Day 8
Ah shit my foot hurts
In fact, my leg hurts
I feel like shit and this place smells like shit
Yes, I'm irritated
And in slight discomfort
And something is nagging me in the back of my mind
It may slowly drive me insane, and that pisses me off
Bad day
ow ... shit that hurts

Day ... same as last entry
"Maybe I just can't understand emotion"

"No, you just don't want to feel"

Maybe you were right
You were right
And I backed away
Because you were the only one who really cared, and it scared me
And now I might never see you again ... and you can never help me again
I miss you
I don't care about how it sounds or what everyone else thinks
I miss you and I may never find another person who really cares
I miss you and no matter what you think I actually cared about you .. but you scared me when you took an interest and I backed away and now you're gone

Day 7
got another question thing
i think I'm so bored I'll fill it out
[1 minute ago] found this in inbox
[1 hour ago] rolled out of bed and counted up from the last holiday to figure out what day it was
[1 day ago] sitting in English
[1 year ago]. Still hated valentines day
[words to decribe the situation of now] want sleep ... gimme sleep brain
[things I want] ... to help (see last entry)
[songs listened to] All my Metallica and Red Hot Chilli Peppers
[windows open] earthlink and media player
[things around the computer] the floor, some cords, trench coat, a cd or two
[thoughts of now] I feel weak and I feel like crap
[e-mails] spam and chain mail
[lyric] tried to say I'd be there waiting for
[people online]none
[people away] none
[people idle] none (not even on myself ... oh I am, now I'm not)
[random] wrenching pain and a monkey
[Spell your name backwards] ... hctiwt
[Where do you live?] Washington
[Describe yourself in three words] useful, lonely, messed up
[Who is your worst enemy?] anyone I don't like ... about 6 billion of them
[If you could have ANY animal for a pet, what would it be?] just a dog
[Have you ever used a spork?] yeah
Do you even know what a spork is?] that thing you use for the stuff, right?
[What is the latest you've ever stayed up?] somewhere over 50 hours
[Ever been to Belgium?] been over it if it counts
[brush] twice a day and my breath still sucks
[toothbrush] crest
[jewelry worn daily] celtic necklacce that no one ever sees cause I wear shirts that hisde it
[pillow cover] I have a pillow?
[blanket] green sleeping bag right now
[coffee cup] not a coffee person
[sunglasses] very Matrix, make me look like neo
[underwear] ... um ... yeah
[shoes] combat boots
[nail polish] none
[handbag] laptop case
[favourite top] black chambray
[favourite pants] black jeans
favorite perfume] none
CD in stereo right now] listenin to stuff on media player
tatoos] none
[piercings] none
[current music] Red Hot Chilli Peppers
[wearing] black bathrobe
[hair] black and messy, kinda longish, can get it to look really freaky
[makeup] none
[in my mouth] my horrid breath ... gotta go brush my teeth
[in my head] depression batteling with sanity
[after this] go to Will's ranch, look over the horse and plan the office hours

Day 6
I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help.

And I don't know why. Who'll help me.
I want to help them all, make the pain go away, but I can't.
For some reason I wish all their pain on me, like I deserve it, like they should be happy and I should have the weight of all that is ... evil ... on my shoulders.

I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help. I want to help.

I really do. And I don't know why. I know I'll break down too. And I know no one wants to help me. I know I'll be all alone when I break down. And I know it's all my fault.
And I know that I have to be at least slightly strong, or I'll never last. But I'm weak.
I've been hangin on by a thread for so long. And I don't think anyone can save me. Maybe I want to do one last good thing before I go down. Maybe I won't let anyone help me. Maybe it's all about redemption for being me.
If you read this, don't let it change what you think of me. I'm still the same stoic me you know, or whatever you think of me ... but I know I'm goin down alone, I accept that .... and before I go

I want to help.
I just want to do whatever I can for the few people I care for, you know who you are.
I know I might not be able to help. But I want to. If there is something I can do to at least take some of the pain from at least one of you ...
I want to help.

I really want to help and I don't know why.