My god it's spokane's friggen storm of the cnetury!
A tornado ... hah

good enough day
today has been good enough
spent some time in the rain
got the new phone
got Forty Licks (yay)
Got that reserch done, and everything's under control
I'm fine, not stressed, and just moving around in this dazed and confused (also a great song Jimmy Page is great) world
so ... nothing is new and I had a long, slow day ... that's nice

My god, I got an ending
I think I figured out how to end it
I like what I'm thinking of
and now I'm rambling
But ... I know how I'm going to end the story, now I can finish the middle

sometimes I just feel so alone
let's face it, I am fairly alone, I spend my time alone, I almost live alone, and even if I know all these people, I'm still alone
I'm a lonely person, a very sad and lonely person in all honesty
I'm a cameo when it comes right down to it
I appear, I play my small part in your lives, but someday, be it short or long, I'll slide into your memory
can't put your arms around a memory
sometimes I feel very alone
and as far as I can see it's not far from the truth

and now I'm gonna pull myself together
I'm gonna get up tomarrow, put on a stoic face, brace myself, go out into the world, face people, things, words, ideas
alot of painful things I wish I could escape
at the end of the day I'll be tired and drained and someday I'll just run out of energy and I know it
But for now I can wake up, put on a plain face
Go out, make my cameo appearance, and see what good I can do for all of you before ...

I slip away

I need to write again
By seperation of cultures we seek to widen gaps, to strike wedges in between already widening rifts in race and idea
By bias we have done this in nature but if there is one thing I think humans might have learned by now it's that you just don't fuck with nature
By nature we are bigots and there is the strife and the conflict and unbalance needed to be mortal and man
But with the creation of politically forced opinions we have in recent centuries sought to widen the rift that was slowly growing and healing
By the creation of state religion we have in past times sought to drive one of the few natureal balances beyond it's limit
We cease to grasp similarities between religions as we are vying for the name and the ideas of a diety and a savior and the likes
We wish our god(s) to be right in order that we be right and then we force this through state, through war and through all manners that widen rifts in class, culture, and race, ultimately creating a rupture in the fabric of humanity which can never be healed
We may have been able to stop this, the beginning of equality in recent years has been a step for this, but where does one draw a line between equality and right and wrong?
We go for all the stops in the fight for equality and in the end destroy even more with this bigotry on steroids tactic of forcing our own ideas which in turn prompts greater resistance from the opponents of an idea and leads to the general destruction of the coexistance of man
Also the media has found its way into the play
What was once split by class and by idea is now split by cultural expectations beyond that of bigotry
We have through the images cultivated in media forms all over created smaller factions and smaller sects of certian styles and beliefs
We seperated religion
We seperated class
We seperated color
We seperated ethnicity
We seperated ideas
Now we seek to split this down and down through cultural images, through styles and through even more geography
It is almost as if we have started running through the lists of segregation once more by the creation of ablolute freedom
Some restriction is needed in equality for if you cannot drawn a line soon so many factions will exist as to seperate every man into a group and to place his a a distant other
This rift is known as the downfall of civilization, most commonly thought to happen in westren civilization and I can see that as we are the ones who at times press the rift the most in a seeking of the equality which we push far to hard for because of the seperation that led to this chaos, that of religion and class
This will be our downfall, humanity has managed to tear down this equilibrium and will continue to widen the gap until no hope remains of the balance being returned
That seems to be human nature, to destroy equilibrium and to maintain the sort of self destructive tendencies (concious or not) that will eventually lead to the end, to armageddon, the apoclypse, the end in which god will come down in one way or another and right things (I speak figuratively myself)
The end cannot happen as there is no definitive end ... but it will be like pushing the restart button, and maybe getting things right
The End Is Not An End

I need to write alot ... alot
I'm liking Brave New World by Huxley
his writing sounds nearly like he's been there and he's actually writing out what he saw, ans not in the usual sense ... but his writing is .... real
some kind of balanced mix between prose and poetry
some kind of mix between two artforms which he has balanced out so to create a slow moving but ... enveloping style of writing which I find myself occasionally using
the story's good too, I am the thought of the twins process and all the pavlovian ideas, it just might work, and all the thoghts on class altering, hypnosis and whatnot
socialism does seem to be something that would work to build some kind of structured society that would function in a proper equilibrium ... problem being that it must be kept in check of human emotions which seem in themselves to be a ... antibody to equilibrium, in 1984 there is the fear and the suffering and the power of the party so you must do what you must do, and they will kill you someday in one sense or another, but they will drive the you out of you
Brave New World, seperating the classes by brainwashing and creating impulses to love what one is made to do is a more fair and prosperous all be it more time and energy consuming process, but it works very well
and in equilibrium, the very destruction of emotion is a sure way to destroy the hunter of equilibrium, crahing down all threat but the human urge for unbalance
that is waht we seem to be
creatures who strive for unbalance, for emotion and for pain and suffering, we seem to some extent to enjoy and thrive on this emotion, we need it to live by, to work by
emotion and unbalance is in truth what makes us human
without such pains and greviances we would be no more than ants on a larger scale
we would be industrious creatures, working in self sustanation and continual labor, maintaining everything and living life .... listlessly
everything would just be ... bestial
there would be no more feeliung if such equilibrium were to be achevied ... there would only be industry
tell me which is better, being able to preserve the planet for good, being advanced and at a stand still and living at high standards, being in a state of ... utopia, but with segregation, without morals and feelings. Or would you rather live life with love, pain, emotion and ideas and equality, bias on many levels? I want to live this way.
Socialism is the perfect way to create man as an animal, but not in the sense that we see animal, but in the sense that an animal is a creature who does no damage to the earth in its enviornment, who manages itse;f, with minimal thought or feeling
not as savage brutes as we may now be ... it accomplishes productivity and equality
it also banishes all that we feel and love deep and down into our souls
to create this equilibrium would be to destroy humanity which is in essence the lack of a balance due to idea, emotion, nature, destruction
fuck perfection, I like this better than that, though it is utopia

well, she never called me back, kinda a pisser, but I should guess that the one weekened of the month I'm in Spokane she's not around
oh well, yeah

so things have been fairly uneventful
as usual
not much to say, I think that's just the way I am, I don't write down any profound things in this journal, or any jewels of wisdom because, well I just can't write them down
you got questions I answer them at my best ability, but I need to answer questions I guess, I answer, I don't explain

so .... anyone got any questions at all and want my input ... fire away

there hasn't been much to say
maybe there has, but I'm the only one who's interested in that, don't ask
Things have been going very slowly ... well, blurry fast, but seems like slowly in a sense ... good to be here in the basement ... even if the bathroom is flooded with shit water right now
I might actually do something entertaining this weekened, so yay
yeah ... how's everyone else?

Here I am cruled up on my floor in a fetal position
Thank god for laptops

This is a great song, gotta put this on repeat
Oh, by the way Mandy, you're welcome, stop thanking me
... Music is great, I'm a rock whore ....

I feel like just talking
I always feel like talking
That's one reason I'm "not like most guys"
alot of people have said that
.... oh well

so on to the rant ...
I think I might run a repost of my opinion on various people as more have come into play and some have changed about a bit in recent events
Mandy, I won't forget to post about you this time
God, I love this song

I'm ready for isolation ... I've set it all up for isolation
Yet at the same time here I am getting ... un ... isolated
I'm not used to this
I'm not used to people
I'm not used to being cared about or liked

I've been alone for so long, just observing
I've been on the sidelines, always watching and listening
That's how I live, I listen
... and now I'm in what I watched
sucked into another world
Pulled out of hell and into limbo

Here is a new chapter of my life
Of which all in this journal and all of last year has been an intro and a prologue

I took a walk in Manito tonight
very nice walk .... just thought I'd mention it while I'm ranting
Just ended up in the rose garden and the lilac garden like usual .... always nice
Found out why one of the small paths isn't used anymore, damn thorns

I've listened to this song twice now ... so I think that's enough of a rant ... I'm gonna go sleep

well, ran across this one
and every now and then I feel like filling one out
it's like I have some obligation to keep them going or something
plus it's monday morning and I'm pretty fucking bored
and I will delete any I really don't wanna answer

º°* B A S I C | Q U E S T I O N S *°º

[001] Name: Mark
[002] Middle name: Edward (vomits)
[003] Gender: Male
[004] Birthday: July 23rd
[005] Height: 5'8" I think
[006] Hair color: just black with a hint of brown in the light
[007] Eye color: Dark brown
[008] Nationality: Scottish (but not for about 150 years), German (three generations ago I think), with some French
[009] Is your hair long or short: down to my eyes?
[010] Siblings: none
[011] Zodiac sign: Leo
[012] How many languages do you know: Only English, some German and I will lear more
[013] Status: Single
[014] Piercings you have: None
[015] Piercings you want: none
[016] Tattoos you have: None
[017] Tattoos you want: none (ain't I boring)
[018] Today's date: 5/10/04
[019] Time of day: 10:27 AM

º°* S C H O O L *°º

[020] Are you still in school: Yes
[021] Did you drop out: No
[022] Favorite grade: let's wait and see
[023] Least favorite grade: like I said, let's wait and see
[024] Favorite teacher : same as last two
[025] Least favorite teacher: same as last three
[026] Favorite subject: Social Studies
[027] Least favorite subject: Math
[028] Do/did you buy lunch or bring it: I eat lunch?
[029] Play any sports on the school's team: No
[030] Are/were you popular: HELL NO
[031] Most humiliating moment: I repress that stuff

º°* F A V O R I T E *°º

[032] Number: 253
[033] Clothing brand: None
[034] Shoes: my combat boots
[035] Saying: "Life's a giant shit machine but it's not a giant shit"
[036] Tv show: Late Night With Conan O'Brian is pretty funny
[037] Sport: I don't favor any
[038] Vegetable: Carrot
[039] Fruit: Pear
[040] Movie: Equilibrium ... and some others
[041] Magazine: don't read magazines except in waiting rooms
[042] Candy: Crunch or something ... crunchy
[043] Gum: anything
[044] Scent: spring rain
[045] Ice cream flavor: mint
[046] Color: black
[047] Season: Autumn
[048] Holiday: St. Patricks Day
[049] Type of music: Rock (punk, grunge, metal)
[050] Thing in your room: my floor?
[051] Band: Nirvana
[052] Books: Picture of Dorian Gray, His Dark Material Trilogy, Book of Revelations
[053] TV channel: 107 when I can get it
[054] Junk food: donno
[055] Overall food: pizza, buffalo chicken something like that
[056] Shoe brand: ...
[057] Fast food: is subway fast food?
[058] Restaurant: small Mexican restraunts, locally owned Diners
[059] Shape: lot's of squiggly lines
[060] Time of day: Dusk
[061] Country: Ireland
[062] State: Louisiana
[063] Boys name: Diggory or something Irish like
[064] Girls name: Felicity or something rooted in the English tradition
[065] Mall: I ... don't go to malls much, unless Michel drags me along
[066] Car: none
[067] Word: hi
[068] Month: October
[069] Disney character: donno
[070] Scary movie: Nightmare on Elm Street or Halloween (the first ones)

º°* T H I S | T H A T *°º

[071] Rock or rap: Rock
[072] Rock or pop: Rock
[073] Rock or r&b: Rock
[074] Rap or pop: AGH, won't choose
[075] Rap or r&b: no no no
[076] Rap or metal: Metal
[077] Pop or r&b: natta
[078] Pop or metal: Metal
[079] r&b or metal: Metal
[080] Selena or J.lo: Neither
[081] Hot or cold: Cold
[082] Winter or summer: Winter
[083] Spring or fall: Fall
[084] Shakira or Britney: neither
[085] MTV or VH1: MTV
[086] Football or basketball: Basketball
[087] Skiing or snowboarding: Snowboarding
[088] Rollerblading or skateboarding: Skatebording
[089] Black or white: Black
[090] Orange or red: Ornage
[091] Yellow or green: Green
[092] Purple or pink: Purple
[093] Inside or outside: depends on the weather
[094] Weed or alcohol: alcohol
[095] Cell phone or pager: Cell phone
[096] Powerpuff Girls or Charlie's Angels: ...
[097] Scooby doo or dino: ...
[098] Tattoos or piercinqs: neither
[099] Coke or pepsi: Pepsi
[100] Flowers or candy: flowers
[101] Tall or short: Tall

º°* H A V E / W O U L D | Y O U | E V E R *°º

[102] Pictured your crush naked?: No
[103] Actually seen your crush naked: No
[104] Been in love: in the sense that I cared deeply, doesn't mean it had to go anywhere
[105] Cried when someone died: no
[106] Drank alcohol: Yes
[107] Lied: Yes
[108] Eat crap for $1,000,000: No
[109] Steal a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend: No
[110] Lie to the police: might have, ... yeah I think so
[111] Run from the police: No
[112] Lie to your parents: Yes
[113] Walk up to a stranger and kiss them: never have ... I might
[114] Walk out of a restaurant without paying: no, I'm a honset person about finance
[115] Flashed someone: ... not that I remember
[116] Told the person you liked how you felt: heh ... no
[117] Gone to jail or juvi: been there, never ina a cell
[118] Stolen anything: nothing big
[119] Wanted to kick my ass for making this so long: it keeps me busy
[120] Kicked someone's ass: yeah
[121] Broke a beer bottle: Yes
[122] Gotten into a bar, under-aged: ... should try it next time I'm in New Orleans
[123] Wanted someone of the same sex: No
[124] Gone on a road trip: Yes
[125] Gone on vacation without adult supervision: Yes
[126] Been to a concert: Yes ... not a good one, they were all crap
[127] Been to another country: Yes
[128] Talked back to an adult: Yes
[129] Got pulled over: me personally no
[130] Got in a car accident: Yes
[131] Broke a law: Yes
[132] Given money to a homeless person: Yes
[134] Tried to kill yourself: gotten close, but talked myself down alot
[135] Cried to get out of trouble: no
[136] Kissed a friend's brother or sister: no
[137] Kissed a brother or sister's friend: no
[138] Dropped something on the floor that you were cooking and let someone eat it anyways?: oh yeah

º°* P R I V A T E *°º

[139] Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend: No
[140] Do you have a crush: maybe
[141] Do you love anyone right now: In the sense that I care much for them, but it's pleutonic
[142] Have you ever been in love: pleutonically
[143] How many people have you kissed: none
[144] Who was your first kiss: see last answer
[145] How many hearts have you broken: donno, don't think I'm really a heart breaker
[146] How many people broke your heart: ...
[147] Best quote to sum up love: Let's get the shit kicked out of us by this crazy emotion
[148] So what is your bf/gf/crush like: ... good personality, smart, quiet
[149] Do you have a picture of him/her: no
[150] Please post it if you do: ...
[151] Do you have a picture of yourself: Yes
[152] Please post it if you do: maybe if I get a new one
[153] Do you go by looks or personality: Both at times
[154] Ever kiss a friend: no
[155] Are you still friends: ...
[156] Do you smoke: no
[157] Do you smoke weed: no
[158] Crack, heroin, anything else: no
[159] Beer good or beer bad: beer good in amounts
[160] Are you the sissy who drinks wine coolers: no
[161] Do you like smirnoff ice: haven't tried
[162] Prefer beer or liquor: beer
[163] What kind of cigarettes do you smoke: ...
[164] Are you a virgin: yeah
[165] If not, when was the last time you got some: ...

º°* Y O U R | F R I E N D S *°º

[166] Best friend: all of em really, I don't try to singel them out
[167] Known longest: Eric
[168] Wish you talked to more: Paul
[169] Wish you saw more: Michel
[170] How many friends do you think you have: donno
[171] Who drives you insane after a while: Saiki and Josh
[172] Who can you stay around forever and never get sick of: not forever ...
[173] Who's the friend you fight with most: actual physical fighting ... Josh, otherwise not much with anyone
[174] Craziest: Morgan
[175] Loudest: donno
[176] Shyest: Tierney
[177] Best hair: Mercades
[178] Can always make you laugh: ... I don't laugh much do I?
[179] Best eyes: ...
[180] Best body: not gonna say
[181] Most athletic: Saiki
[182] Most impatient: donno
[183] Shortest: Eric
[184] Tallest: Paul
[185] Talented: donno
[186] Best singer: no one ever sings around me
[187] Skinniest: Mandy
[188] Nicest: Pat
[189] Best personality: I have twisted views of good personality ... Pat
[190] Biggest drug user: John I guess
[191] Makes you laugh the most: I don't laugh much
[192] Makes you smile: Tori, Logan, Mandy
[193] Gives you a funny feeling when you see them: ?
[194] Easier to talk to: boys or girls: Girls

º°* P R E F S *°º

[195] Pepsi/Coke: Pepsi
[196] Cats/Dogs: dogs
[197] Singing/Dancing: singing ... badly
[198] Sleep/No sleep: sleep
[199] Math/English: english
[200] Internet/Phone: internet
[201] Eminem/50 Cent: neither
[202] Chocolate/Vanilla: vanilla
[203] Snow/Sun: Snow
[204] Love/Hate: Love
[205] Ketchup/Mustard: both
[206] Short/Tall: Tall
[207] School/Home: neither ... Manito?
[208] Shower/Bath: shower
[209] Gamecube/Xbox: ... PS2?
[210] Christmas/Easter: Christmas
[211] Drugs/No drugs: No drugs for me
[212] Dark/Light: Dark
[213] Night/Day: Night
[214] Ocean/Pool: Ocean

º°* W H A T | D I D | Y O U | D O *°º

[215] Last birthday: walked around with Eric, Tori and Morgan then went to dinner and a movie with Michel
[216] Yesterday: did some yard work, wrote a bit, watched a movie
[217] Last weekend: same as last
[218] Christmas: sat around with Baolu, Peter and a fake tree
[219] Thanksgiving: went to Seattle, Helen ... hope she's doin alright
[220] New year's: went into Spokane, Mo was gonna play at first night but Alex got sick so just stayed in the hotel with the speakers and stuff, ordered some food and had some sparkeling wine
[221] Halloween: sat around, watched a horror movie
[222] Easter: Mo was over, he cooked an omlet
[223] Valentine's day: created this journal and ate chocolate

º°* T H E | L A S T *°º

[224] Thing you ate: Brownie and hard boiled egg
[225] Thing you drank: water
[226] Thing you wore: bathrobe and boxers
[227] Thing you said to someone: "I hope that was on sale ... because we should not blow money on lepord prints"
[228] Thing you got pierced/tattooed: none
[229] Person you saw: Mo and mum
[230] Person you hugged: .... long while, one of my friends I guess
[231] Thing that made you cry: ... can't remember
[232] Person you talked to: Mandy
[233] Person you fucked: hahaha
[234] Person you poked: I don't poke
[235] Person you instant messaged: Mandy
[236] Person you laughed with: Eric?

º°* N O W *°º

[237] What are you eating: nothin
[238] What are you drinking: notta
[239] What are you wearing: boxers and a t shirt
[240] Any shoes on: barefoot
[241] Hair: half of it seems to be standing up, half in my eyes
[242] Listening to: Smashing Pumpkins by now
[243] Talking to anyone: Mandy went away
[244] Are you pissed I made this so long: keeps me busy

º°* O P I N I O N S *°º

[245] What do you think... about pop music: It can fuck itself in hell
[246] About boy bands: ditto
[247] About flag burning: fine with me
[248] Of the war on terrorists: fuck Bush
[249] About suicide: something that is around and is kinda sad ... but is
[250] About abortion: their choice
[251] Where do you think you'll be in 10 years: either in College, or in New York, somewhereabouts
[252] Who do you think you'll still be friends with in 5 years: Eric, Michel, Pat

º°* Y E S | N O *°º

[253] Are you a vegetarian: no
[254] Do you like cows: to eat
[255] Are you a bitch: bastard might be a better term
[256] Are you artistic: I write
[257] Do you write poetry: not much
[258] Are you a fast runner: faster than quite a few people, you wouldn''t guess by looking at me
[259] Can you ski: No
[260] Are you British: heh, no, but sometimes when I mumbel I sound like it
[261] Are you straight: far as I know
[262] Are you stupid: hell yah
[263] Are you fat: I got some fat on me, but got some muscle too
[264] Are you short: medium
[265] Are you tall: medium
[266] Do you own a hot pink shirt: no
[267] How about orange pants? no
[268] Are you evil: on occasion
[269] Is Britney a whore: yeah
[270] Am I annoying you: not yet
[271] Are you secretly from another planet: maybe
[272] Did you ever touch someone else's private parts: no ... now you're annoying me

º°* F I N A L | Q U E S T I O N S *°º

[283] I want: for them to be happy
[284] I wish: things could be right
[285] I love: my friends
[286] I miss: ... I don't know ... alot
[287] I fear: alienation
[288] I hear: Meat Puppets
[289] I wonder: what I can do
[290] How do you know its love?: how do I?
[291] If you could be any kids character, who would you be: ?
[292] If you had to eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would you eat: pizza
[293] Do you remember any of your dreams: the fucked up ones
[294] Do you dream in color or black and white: color
[295] Do you admit when you need help with a problem: rarely
[296] Can people read you like a book: I can't read me
[297] What's your biggest fear: never finding equilibrium
[298] Do you talk a lot: sometimes
[299] Are you afraid of clowns: no
[300] Do you like spiders: no
[301] How about grape kool-aid: no
[302] Can you drive: is this a matter of can I or can I legally?
[303] Are you spoiled: not really, by choice
[304] Are you anti-social: alot
[305] Do you see dumb people: oh yes
[306] Do you see dead people: ... in the morgue
[307] Any last words: I think I'm gonna take a shower now
[308] Now that this is over, what are you going to do: shower and go to Spokane

I had a very fucked up dream last night
I remember it ended with blake drilling a hole in my shoulder to send the lobster people back to hell
so what the hell did I eat to get that?
I feel sick and tired and in general like shit
At least I got today off
But I gotta go down to Spokane today
Maybe I'll get lunch someplace nice.... instead of eatin out of a can all day
Sounds nice ... ok, Mark, you'll do that

Things have been weird for me
Kinda good ... but define good
Nothing I've hoped for has worked out but smaller things that have been bothering me have been working themselves out
I took a look back the other day, looked back a year ago when we were just making a bid on this house, we were still in the apartment, I had just met Mo andd gone up to Chewelah and Baolu adn't met my father yet
I looked back and thought about how alone, depressed and disgruntled I was
Then I went forward a year and realized that sometime around the end of January things started to go differently
Though I'm still the guy in the corner wearing all black the corner's gotten really crowded and many people passing by stop to look into the shadows
So I've got a few questions about this
Why now, why is my life seeming to go differently now?
Who am I now? I'm not the same person I was a couple years ago, I've changed a hell of alot and I barely notice
And if my karma has finally gotten up off its ass why is nothing improving in my life that I actually want to see improve?
It's weird
it's just not right

I like to garden and that time of year is upon me, oh sweet sweet time
And it's the first planting time we've had in the new house so there's mcuh to be done
The earth is really gritty and clay like, not good for growing, plus the bastards before us put down alot of bark and gravel so I've had to put down alot of top soil

excuse the rant but I really enjoy gardening, I like getting down in the dirt and just ... digging into the earth and replacing the hard and arid soil with some nice plants (violets, tulips, roses, snap dragons, cherry trees, burning bushes, marigolds, bleeding hearts, mapels, ivy, cosmos, wildflowers, I just really enjoy it all) I like the gritty down to earth feel of it, really just the beautification and meticulious planning, and the work is actually amusing, and the product is great
gardening is my thing I guess, I'm ok at it, it's kinda expensive but it's what I do ... and it gives me some energy to deal with everything
I've got some great plans for the new place, down near the woodshed I'm thinkin of settin up some kinda wildflower garden to attract wildlife and ... I'm gonna have a good long lot of work in front of me, I'm hyped up about it ... I feel content in my garden

Who and what the hell am I again
I want to go over some things that have been said about me, words I've caught and have been told about myself.
off his rocker, very interesting, shy, depressed, peachy, I don't know him to well, kinda sounds weird, scary, freakish, morbid, deranged, disturbed, smart, cool, weird, quiet, sweet, gloomy, different, nice, funny
I gotta ask ... who am I?
so many of these descriptions cannot coincide with eachoter, I'm a walking oxymoron ...
I mean, I am all these things in some peoples minds, and I don't know what I think about myself, so am I all this? am I less or more?
Am I merely that image of me which is displayed form the minds of others?
My thoughts and feelings are controled by the variable of others ... so why not my very being?
I am not what I make of myself, I am what people make of me ... and being me, that's alot to be ... it's draining and it's weird ... because I am me as they know me, but I am not the me that I don't know thereof, if that made any sense
I could go on and on about this ... page after page, but let's put it short
I don't know who the hell I am, what the hell I am ... I don't know me
no one knows me, there is no consensus on me, not even amoung strangers or frieds, so if I do not create me and others have not created me in full ... what am I?

if you wanna hear me rant more, just post I guess, I can rant for a long time, but I'm cutting myself off here and now

I got my DSL up in Chawela, yay.
It's been a shitty week though, and I'm glad to be up here in Chawela, isolated, doing yard work and just going around randomly ... good place
I hope the weekend is long, I'm just running out of energy ... god, I'm getting drained more and more each week ...
I hope I can last