so here it is me not knowing what the fuck is wrong with me again. do you think it is possible for a person to have something permanently wrong with them, that nothing can be done about it?

well, so i guess i am just depressed agian. i really don't know anymore. it's like a permanent emptiness. i feel like nobody wants me around, i don't even know what to do with myself anymore. i haven't actually slept all week. it's like i just want to drink to feel numb, but even drinking doesn't knock out the pain. and then everyone is gone this weekend. they have either gone home or they have gone to madison, or chicago. because apparently that's where the party is at. and even though everyone can tell you where they are going off to, nobody asks you to go with them. i have come to the ultimate conclusion that something is definitley wrong with me. it can't be everyone else because they are all able to go out and be happy. i really just want to fucking cry my eyes out. i feel like i am in this big black hole with no way out.

i just really wish i could stop hurting. why doesn't anyone want me around you know? i mean, it feels like mike wants me to go far far away and rot, the whole problem is i can't imagine my life without him. i seriously just wish i could be with him for the rest of my life.

i am so irritable right now. i just yelled at kelly for no reason. i was in this half sleep today and i felt like i was drowning. and at that moment it was like i could see my heart or my soul or something and all that there was was an incredibly empty room with thimbles, a teddy bear and a tube of lipstick. what the fuck is that supposed to mean? everything was just kind of floating. like i was in the bottom of the ocean. i really just want to be in someone's arms. i need to feel needed.

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