Visions of the Confused

:: 2009 3 August :: 2.11am

When you see my face I hope it gives you hell

:: 2009 30 July :: 2.14am

Want to hear from Job place! Ugh nervous.

:: 2009 19 July :: 6.52pm
:: Music: Dark Star- Beck

I sense that I am too old to be blogging.
I thought I had it out of my system a couple of years ago yet here I am.
Maybe facebook just got boring.

My boyfriend's mom gave me a Goldfinch bird feeder for graduation. Its fantastic, we have birds at our house all day. I really wish I could motivate myself to go bird watching because its always so exciting to identify a bird you haven't seen in a while. Yeah I like birdwatching, so what? Ducks are really cool to watch but often hard to see on lakes and such (unless they are mallards of course).

I really miss singing. Rockband made me realize that today. I miss learning and expanding my talents. I would like to take classes at the community college. Problem is scheduling it around whatever job I get in the future. I want to take Arabic mostly because I'm fascinated with the Middle East and loved the classes I took at school. I'm also looking into taking and Early Childhood Education course because that may help with my future goals of doing environmental education.

Need to decide what I'm going to do about my gym membership. Right now I can't afford to pay $70 a month but who knows if I'll get a job or not this month. Oy.

Job job job job yob jahbuh gob george oscar bluth.

It will be strange to be here during the winter. I'm not sure I'll like it, Ohio got a whole lot less snow.

Well... I should try and contact Andrew though hes probably playing guitar.

-Jackie

:: 2009 18 July :: 12.40pm

Went to a job fair today. Lady asked me if I would be happy doing that kind of work. I lied.

Andrew said I'm feeling sorry for myself. I guess hes kind of right. Its not so much feeling sorry for myself as it is being incredibly pessimistic. All I can think is that my life will amount to nothing and I know that kind of attitude isn't going to get my anywhere. Still.

I think I did pretty well during the interview at the job fair today though. The only problem I encountered was not being able to come up with any questions to ask...such as "When will I hear from you?" or "are there benefits?" Yeah nothing came to mind.

I have a really stupid looking scar on the back of my hand.

Yesterday I was doing really well with watching what I ate but then we went to Red Robin and I got a delicious BLTA (Bacon lettuce tomato/turkey and Avacado) croissant. Its 1100 or so calories. Wow. It kind of sucks when you start looking at what you eat and its all not good for you.

I want to be productive now that I've been up since 7:30 but I feel more like napping. I keep trying to convince myself to clean my room and then read but its not working. Maybe I will nap. I'm getting super tired.

Some day I'll finish 1984.

-Jackie

:: 2009 16 July :: 3.02pm

It took me like an hour to get in here.

Why did I spend so long trying to enter an online journal I hadn't seen in 4 years you ask?

No clue.

It might be because every now and them I am catching weird whiffs of high school in the air. I suppose that happens when you become a townie.

Funny that this is my go-to journal writing style. I guess I always liked separating thoughts by gaps.

As I'm sure any of you reading this know, re-entering an old journal requires you to re-enter the mind of your past self. Re-read the old posts, re-read your friends old posts, reread the various comments. I have to say that re-reading made me bored. We were all the same. Our minds combined to form one massive blob of self-pity and teenage angst. "Our powers combined..." Except we didn't save the planet. Too busy wallowing.

So where am I now? Far beyond what I was? Perhaps. I am no longer driven by a need for drama or hatred of myself. No, fear is behind the wheel now. Like that Incubus song. I'm terrified of pushing myself forward. Here I am, a college graduate of 2 months and I still have no idea what to do.

I found this in a freshman year of college journal entry:

"And why they hell did I choose zoology?!
Who was I kidding? I can't do this!
What a dumb career path!
What do I think I can do with this?"

All valid thoughts as it turns out. Luckily I ended up adding on Environmental Science, but in this job market...psh.

I need money but I also need more experience. I'm just slightly terrified of beginning my life. What if I start out in the wrong field for the wrong reasons? What if I never end up loving what I do? Life is scary because I feel that people never get what they want out of it. I fear I won't ever get to travel again. I fear that I won't make a difference. I fear that I won't let myself live up to my full potential...or an even bigger fear....maybe this is my full potential.

At least at this point in my life, I have a better idea of who I am. Maybe.

-Jackie

:: 2005 10 December :: 8.34pm

Ok just cuz i'm on a xanga break doesn't mean i cant write in here right?

Good cuz i'm bored.

And I'm eating through this thing of cookie dough. Its amazing.
I've lost weight since I got here so its ok...because this is amazing.

This is more of my analyzation journal anyway.

Once i finish this cookie dough im going to study...it needs to be done.

I learned all about plants today...gymnosperms, angiosperms, conifers...haha man its super. I know all of their reproduction cycles too ::nods:: Im so smart...::rolls eyes::

I need Kingdom Hearts...it stops all thoughts.

I've hit a certain degree of insanity, i've hit it with a large hammer that doesnt even exist.

O.o
a'g;lhjrh-]iikht

I'm going to study and pray that it saves me from myself.

~Jackie

2 spilleds | spill your heart

:: 2005 10 December :: 8.34pm

:: 2005 2 December :: 11.30am

So I feel like being creative but its hard because laziness is over-powering my creativeness. Damn.

I did start writing a new story in chem today though. I figured it was a better-much more entertaining use of my time. I've completely given up on chem...its a waste of time to even try to learn it. It can go fuck itself.

But yeah i've been thinking a lot about what I want/need. I realized that I don't like myself- nothing new there but that perhaps what i'm looking for relationship-wise is someone who can make me like myself.

I think its basically impossible. I've doubted everyone i've dated...in my mind they had no reason to like/love me, my explanation was just that they didnt know me or they didnt realize that they didnt really love me or what not. But then again that could just go back to me believing that I'm not worth being liked/loved...its quite the strange circle.

::shrugs:: I'm pretty calm today...those are just recent thoughts you know?

This is only in here because this journal (dear lord i almost spelled that "Gernal"!) is relatively safe...i think.

In other news, i'm getting sick :( My tummy hurts mucho...ever since yesterday and its not going away :(

In better news erm um...not sure.

I lose.

Heh.

Alright bye.

~Jackie

:: 2005 2 December :: 11.30am

:: 2005 28 November :: 5.09pm

Long time.

I'm wasting the few hours I have left before I MUST study. EUHGURH
I hate chemistry!!!

So this journal is much safer than xanga. I can easily guess who may read this one...xanga, everyone knows about it so its not somewhere that i can really trust.

Thanksgiving break was amazing, though it did suck that I didnt see everyone I wanted to or get to spend much time with everyone.

Then there were the people I did see that I kind of wish I didnt...

Nick is the perfect example haha...

Its hard even to put my thoughts in here... scary.

I need somewhere to sort things out but how many times do I have to sort this issue out???

I've spent the last few years dealing with it and stressing over it and exploding over it

How ridiculous am I???

Very. Boo.

College was supposed to make it go away...

I was so sure it would.

But nooo...i still make dumb decisions that affect things at home and make me go...wtf was I thinking???

Blah. I need dinner.

~Jackie

3 spilleds | spill your heart

:: 2005 20 September :: 1.09pm

Well I broke.

I want to go home.

I don't even know why.

I'm too dumb for college.

I can't do things on my own...even going to the library to do a project scares me.

I failed my first exam.

Failed...like below average, and average was 62.

That means I'm failing a class already.

I'm that stupid.

I feel like sleeping all the time.

And thats scary because I guess a lot of people have mono in our dorm.

Great.

Just great.

Everyone has been home but me!

And why they hell did I choose zoology?!

Who was I kidding? I can't do this!

What a dumb career path!

What do I think I can do with this?

Everyone in zoology here is going into a medicine career.

I have a test at 2...its 1:14.

I'm going to fail again.

Why am I freaking out?

Everyones coming to me asking for help lately...and I want to help.

But now I'm flipping out.

URHGJDHG:LKAJSF

This whole alone thing...how do I feel so alone?

People are so awesome here....

But I don't know why i feel so alone and freaked out...like the whole doing things on my own maybe...

Whatever.

I dont get mitosis...and its on my test.

Bye.

~Jackie

3 spilleds | spill your heart

:: 2005 31 August :: 1.54pm

Woah... is it Jackie?
Nope.
Ok yeah...you caught me.

I had a lot more private entries on here than I thought man! They were private for a reason though and I shouldnt have even seen them. Boo.

Its weird too cuz they are like a year old.

Talk about needing to let go of the past huh?

Its just weird. One of them was a...erm...a story type dealie. I cant believe that all that jazz lasted until January 2005! Maybe a bit longer but wow...everyone told me it went on too long...but that long?! YIKES MAN! And i dont even think people knew it went up until jan/feb. Thats siiick! O.o I think I'm going to delete all those entries.

But when I was packing to come here a few weeks ago (dear god...its been 2 weeks already!) I found the oldest of old woohu entries haha. Wow... you guys...we had so much shit going on between all of us it was ridiculous!!!! Who did we think we were creating so much drama?! SHEESH. Haha. But yeah...wow...dont look back on the past...or old journal entries. Scary stuff that is.

I'm gonna go write a more fun xanga entry now because xanga is awesomely awesome. Just thought Id surprise everyone cool in here! Hehe bye!

~Jackie

2 spilleds | spill your heart

:: 2004 29 November :: 9.13pm
:: Music: Love Will Keep Us Alive- The Eagles

So Mr. Mann talked about the difference between guys and girls today.
He said that girls have so many connections in their brains...they think of every possibility and every consequence to things...guys can only concentrate on one thing at a time. His impression of a guy's mind at work was "me watch tv. She talk to me, me look away from tv and listen. Tv still on. Me watch tv. Me get up and get chips now." it was so funny!

Then he gave the guys advice saying, if you take on thing away from this class, let this be it.
He said when a girl is talking and complaining about stuff like her mom or friends or something, all a guy should do is listen. He says every guys first response is to solve things for the girl like "well why dont you try talking to her?" but he said all a girl wants is someone to listen to them,they can solve things on their own. He said guys always look for an immediate solution to things but in this case, all they should say is "Hmm, I'm really sorry thats a tough situation." Or something along those lines. It was so funny... and amazingly pretty true.
Any guys out there....listen to that.

~Jackie

:: 2004 16 November :: 8.23pm

Jackie,
Your life patterns have reached a new stability and you feel good about what you've done with your situation. This isn't the time to cry over what has been lost. What is done is in the past tense and cannot be changed. Instead of looking back, it's now time to use your current strength to allow yourself to live fully in the present without looking too far ahead.

Wow my horoscopes have been pretty good lately! :)

Adios