We Were Meant To Live for So Much More

:: 2010 3 February :: 5.25pm
:: Music: Hockey- Song Away

I'd like to let you know I'll always be straight with you/ I stole my personality from an anonymous source/ And I'm getting paid for it too, I don't feel bad about that.
Make me a deal and make it good for me,
I won't get full of myself, cause I can't afford to be.
This is small town music, this is big town music,
He's ahead of his time, you know... but, he can't use it...
If only he could prove it.

Tomorrow's just a song away, a song away, a song away.
Tomorrow's just a song away, a song away, a song away.
It's just a song away.

See what your man has done to the world,
See what the world has done to your man.
You know I'm leaving you, you don't need me,
Lovin' you wasn't always so easy.

This is believe me music, this is forget me music,
This is who can love me, you know, this ain't no roxy music.
This is new form music, this is old form music,
This is I paid attention not some makes his prediction music.
Oh, he could let me use it.

Tomorrow's just a song away, a song away, a song away.
Tomorrow's just a song away, a song away, a song away.
It's just a song away.

Not wanting to write a truthful song over an eighties groove,
I'd like to let you know I'll always be straight with you.
I stole my personality from an anonymous source,
And I'm getting paid for it too, I don't feel bad about that.
Give me my chance back.

This is on the rise music, this is novelty music,
This is who can blame music, I don't get fooled by it
This is "where'd you go" music, this is "come home" music,
This is down to the wire I'm such a perfect angel music.
Who really tries?

Tomorrow's just a song away, a song away, a song away.
Tomorrow's just a song away, a song away, a song away.
It's just a song away.

Ah well,

This is success music, and what's it to ya?
My lawyer always says these are the facts about the future, well....

Tomorrow's just a song away, a song away, a song away.
Tomorrow's just a song away, a song away, a song away.

Tomorrow's just a song away, a song away, a song away.
It's just a song away.

:: 2010 28 January :: 10.33am

I am sitting in bed under the covers because it is quite cold outside. John Mayer is on Vh1 singing about heartbreak and warfare.

Had the Brinner pajama party last night-it went quite well. I still have about 8 dozen eggs, though, so I might be making some deviled eggs this afternoon to take to closed rush.

We are bidding for next years convention and I'm in charge of it. Planning a convention for 600+ people is not an easy thing to do.

I am afraid that the garbage truck outside is going to hit my car right now.

Nope, it didn't.

I need to do my reading on Socialism and Communism-ideologies that happen to fulfill my psychic needs (or as Fromm would say).

This is my last spring semester as an undergraduate. I need to do my taxes. I need to fight with my insurance company about paying for my Nexium. I am having a surgical consultation in a few weeks. I need a nap.

:: 2010 19 January :: 8.40pm
:: Music: MGMT- Time to Pretend

Yeah it's overwhelming, but what else can we do?/ Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute?
I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin and fuck with the stars
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars

This is our decision to live fast and die young
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah it's overwhelming, but what else can we do?
Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute?

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We were fated to pretend

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone

But there is really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce
We'll find some more models, everything must run its course

We'll choke on our vomit and that will be the end
We were fated to pretend

2 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2010 19 January :: 8.06pm

Bands/artists I would like to see in concert soon-ish:

Eric Hutchinson (again)
Modest Mouse (again)
MGMT
Ben Kweller (again)
Passion Pit
Vampire Weekend
Beck
Death Cab for Cutie (again)
Regina Spektor
Matt and Kim
Phoenix
Franz Ferdinand
Ben Folds (again)
Mates of State
Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers (again)

4 Meanings | What is your life meant to be?

:: 2010 10 January :: 7.42pm

Ok, is there a website like this?

I want a site where I can enter the names of bands that I like, and it will provide me with something like Google Reader where I can check ONE PLACE to see all of their upcoming shows, albums, etc.

I mean, I could just like, put parts of their websites in Google Reader but it seems so ineffective to sort through all the stuff I don't care about just to get a quick list of places/dates.

Ya'all are hooked up... any thoughts?

:: 2010 10 January :: 6.44pm
:: Music: Barenaked Ladies- What a Good Boy

I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever going to change...
When I was born they looked at me and said
What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy
And when you were born they looked at you and said
What a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl

We've got these chains that hang around our necks
People want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same
When temptation calls we just look away

This name is the hairshirt I wear
And this hairshirt is woven from your brown hair
This song is the cross that I bear
Bear it with me, bear with me, bear with me
Be with me tonight
I know that it isn't right
But be with me tonight

I go to school, I write exams
If I pass, if I fail, if I drop out, does anyone give a damn?
And if they do, they'll soon forget
'Cause it won't take much for me to show that my life ain't over yet

I wake up scared, I wake up strange
I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever going to change
I wake up scared, I wake up strange
And everything around me stays the same

I couldn't tell you that I was wrong
Chickened out, grabbed a pen and paper, sat down and I wrote this song
I couldn't tell you that you were right
So instead I looked in the mirror watched tv laid awake all night

We've got these chains that hang around our necks
People want to strangle us with them before we take our first breath
Afraid of change, afraid of staying the same
When temptation calls....

When I was born they looked at me and said
What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy
And when you were born they looked at you and said
What a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl, hey

:: 2010 5 January :: 9.07am
:: Mood: awake

I love the sound of your breathing as you lay next to me dreaming.

I went and purchased my books for the start of my second-to-last semester here as an undergraduate (I'm not counting the two classes I'm taking this summer).

It really wasn't bad as far as cost goes, but Ancient Literature has 11 books.

This semester I'm taking:

FRN 202: Intermediate French II
ENG 261: Ancient Literature
PSC 375: Socialism, Liberalism, and Fascism
PSC 321: The American Chief Executive

I'm pretty excited. It's the first semester that I've only taken 12 credits. I'm trying to go light after last semester's 17. I figure French will take up its fair share of time, and although the other three classes are two and three hundred levels, I feel like I might get a lot out of them without doing much homework other than reading. We'll see.

After this semester I will have 112 credits. I need 124 to graduate, but I'm going to end up with something like 128. This summer will be my two biology classes to finish up my area requirements for my Bachelor of Arts degree which will take me to 118, and then I'm looking into taking nine credits next fall with one graduate level class that will count as graduate credit as to make me a full-time student.

A year from now I will be starting graduate school, and then hopefully getting a post in Teach for America. By the end of all this the plan is to have a Master of Arts in English and one in Education.

Or, I could just give up, get pregnant, work at Meijer for my entire life, and waste away as an intellectual person. I think I'll choose the first.

joslyn_julia

:: 2009 31 December :: 2.49am

this is me being pissed.

grrr....

somedays i just don't understand why he even bothers, especially when i seem to just be a nuisance...

kandy

:: 2009 25 December :: 4.05pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Criminal Minds - on tv

ah..
see the knife
look at the blade glitter
pick it up
feel the edge
sharp enough to slice skin
press your thumb onto it
draw drops of crimson blood
exhale the breath you'd taken and smile
"this is it" you think
:my final time on this dreadful planet"
you mentally say goodbyes and praises
as you slowly lower the knife
so it presses against your inner wrist, on the vein
you take a deep breath
you press the blade down
press it hard
and slowly draw it against your skin
exhaling sharply against the sweet pain
you draw it so it makes a 2 inch cut
smiling as you see the blood
then you muster the courage
and switch hands
cutting into your other wrist
exerting a littler kmore pressure
so you get it right this time
you see the blood ooze out
you shiver slightly knowing, hoping
this will be your last
you make two more wounds
to the inner elbow of each arm
to help finish
knowing the asprain will only help
as the blood drips
you being to wonder
about what might have been
you write your thoughts down quickly
there's not too much time left now
you tell them how sorry you are
for not being perfect
for loving the wrong people
for doing the wrong things
but you lose your thoughts
you start to feel dizzy
you can feel yourself blacking out
you know you're dying
you hear someone walk in
you hear them shout your name
feel them run to you and cradle you in their arms
"I love you" you whisper
as blackness slips over you
"I love you! Please don't die" is whispered back
you struggle to hold on a little longer
if only to be with them
"I'm sorry. Remember me" you say
they hug you closer
they cry and tell you your forgiven and they love you
over and over again
your strength, your will weakens
you let go of life
with a smile
because you died in the arms of the one you loved
The only good thing you'd found on this dreadful planet.

I remember writing this years ago... and I still love the style of it.. but there is something wrong here. dying in the arms of the person you loved is not... an ending, nor is it probably the only good thing you'd find. To me, my dog is the only thing I have found with the exception of a few friends to have loved me unconditionally. To really be there for me and to accept me.

kandy

:: 2009 25 December :: 3.19pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Criminal Minds - on tv

Everything
So I haven't updated in awhile. But I've had alot of things on my mind. Trying to figure out where my life is going and if where I'm at is helping me get there. I am excited about starting school back up in january. :D I'm just starting to wonder if this is really where I want to be. I miss things downstate. I used to have friends and be able to go hang out once in awhile.... now I just have one person maybe two I can talk to up here. And anyone that knows me, knows that I need my friends to stay sane. I've been having so much anxiety... sometimes its just hard to breathe. There are times I think... what am I doing here on this earth..what is my purpose. I keep wondering.... why am I here...I just make a mess of things. I constantly feel like everything is my fault. That I can never do anything right for my parents or the guy I'm with. And I know that isn't right or accurate. I know I'm loved to some extent. I just feel like there are terms and conditions to it all. And to me thats not the way love should be. I can love unconditionally, I treat my b/f the way I want him to treat me. Why can't someone treat me the same? Sometimes I just need a place to vent. I can't talk to him and have him actually listen. I just... I don't know what I need anymore.....

:: 2009 23 December :: 7.45pm

"I have a life that did not become,
that turned aside and stopped,
astonished:
I hold it in me like a pregnancy or
as on my lap a child
not to grow old but dwell on

it is to his grave I most
frequently return and return
to ask what is wrong, what was
wrong, to see it all by
the light of a different necessity
but the grave will not heal
and the child,
stirring, must share my grave
with me, an old man having
gotten by on what was left"

-A.R. Ammons, "Easter Morning"

:: 2009 20 December :: 5.54am

I think I might regret going to work today. Two people have not been showing up and we have Santa bucks today. I think I'm going to be alone at the Service Desk all morning. FML.

joslyn_julia

:: 2009 13 December :: 1.12pm

it would figure... i quit smoking and now my lungs are ablaze with sickness. I feel like i am dying... and finals are this week. ugh.

dont
want to
be
awake.

:: 2009 11 December :: 9.14pm

So, I guess I'm getting a C+ or B- in my linguistics class depending on how she decides to "reward" an increase in an exam grade I got in the middle of the semester.

This is not good. It technically counts toward my English Major GPA, but Linguistics is not really English and this teacher was HUGE on phonology.

Well, I guess I'm never going to be a linguist. Not like that shattered any dreams of mine or anything.

The only thing I hate is that I didn't see this coming. I thought all the exams were easy but I got low B's a now a C- on this last one. We were only graded on four exams for this whole semester. I was going to go and talk to the prof, but I was sure that I would do really well. Guess not.

It just frustrates me that I know my way around literary theory and I can synthesize a theory in a matter of hours and have an A essay written in the next few after that, but I can't seem to reconstruct proto-languages or explain the grammatical rules of Ebonic thoroughly (these things may sound hard, but trust me, they're pretty easy).

Good-bye 3.79, it was nice knowing you...