Please, for me
I'm sitting in my bed thinking I have to update this. I've been very moody the last few days and it is not pms, although it may be gas. I've done my usual bit of trying to keep myself from crying in public places. This is very counter productive for me. The same unresolved issue keeps bubbling up, every few months, every day, whatever. And possibly very related, I've been thinking a lot about Jeff lately. A lot. I had a dream about him, where we decided to give it another chance, and then I am pretty sure the dream ended with him disappearing, thanks subconscious. It has been a very long time since we have had contact. He was basically the only person I ever thought I could be with for the long term, with a side of Mike 3 (but I look back on that .. and yeah). My feelings are all fucked. They get frozen fully intact like wooly mammoths in siberia. I could go for years with these fully intact emotions sitting in my chest, waiting for a chance. We could go with the theory, that pisses me off and leads me to my current (and forever) issues, that I haven't had anything substantial to replace these feelings. And there is a part of me that thinks that is legit, albeit condescending. So I will also endorse Maggie's theory about me having strong feelings that I don't just forget. But anyway anywayyy I can't stop thinking, if only we could see each other again. He told me I needed to travel, that I needed to grow up. Okay, done and done. I've made choices! I'm going to London! I live in New York and I've grieved and struggled. I've been pulled apart and I pulled myself back together. Whatever, I will never talk to him again, thanks to me, and I am romanticizing something that doesn't deserve it. I think I am being fucking crazy right now. I mean there obviously has to be something between this jeff "thing" and my abysmally bad love life. Maybe it is nice to think that I could have found someone once. I mean, I'll be the first to admit that I am boy crazy, but all that stuff is fleeting. I want something real. I am sick of watching all of my friends go in and out of meaningful relationships while I am perpetually single. I feel like I am back in high school. And I don't want to talk about this with anyone because no one gets it. I think that is where some of the moodiness comes from. I just want to yell and be like you don't fucking get it. I want to be one of those people who would be fine being a strong independent woman, but it sucks. I am probably one of the most romantic, fantastical people and I have never been able to have the one thing I want. Despite some effort, I still have this very strong feeling that I will end up alone. That I should prepare for that. I'm just a ball of crappy emotions right now. Nothing substantial works out for me. I don't care if that sounds dramatic because it is true. I'm just angry and sad and I can't blame it on hormones. I want to curl up in a ball and somehow skip all this. I'm very disenchanted with everyone and everything right now.

so far around the bend...

assume