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2008 18 November :: 12.46 am
Just when I thought I was in the safe and clear.
Damnit
Will the torment never end?!
Its been like 2months.
FFS
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2008 7 November :: 4.15 pm
Valoth:
so when i got lunch at wendies one of the guys back in the kitchen run over to the window as i got my food
and asks with a huge grin on his face: did ya see it!?
i say see what?
Josh:
he didn't say "my cock" did he? ;(
Valoth:
he points at a burgundy '87 fiero
he then says that me driving around here all the time convinced him to buy one
Josh:
oh, lol....wow
you're popular
Valoth:
i guess
its my leet car
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2008 6 November :: 9.06 am
Here we are over a month an a half later. Emo moments happen more often for small spaces of time. I thought I could make this easy. I totally had that wrong. I hate when I go to check up on anything with her, thinking Ill find something saying shes managed to move on. ...and I hate that. Then I have to hate myself for even thinking like that.
Im an ass.
I still havent got my stuff from Rachel. Not sure why.
Moving right along.
Gas is down to $2.10 at 14mile and that makes me happier.
Im keeping busy, busy being away from life, with Fallout 3 still.
3/4 of the way through the game taking my sweet time and seeing everything I can before finishing the main storyline.
6days till WotLK is out.
Airsoft season is almost done. Turning to look at CQC later on this year and into the rest of the winter.
Back to life.
Ive decided to join the Marines next year. Ill be talking to a recruiter later this month and be looking to leave for basic in or around March.
Figure I got no reason not to anymore. Its been ultimatum #1 since exiting high school. Just decided to stop pussy-footing with it. Ive already started my workout everyday afterwork to help get in shape before I go.
Infantry, recon, or combat engineer.
No forward movement in my job, no attachements short of material possessions. No commitments. No obligations. I almost should thank Rachel for letting me off the hook.
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2008 31 October :: 12.54 pm
Words too late to say: Uso demo i i no ni "i kanai de" mo ienai yo.
In other news, today is Friday. Fallout 3 rocks. Im pissed it has SecuROM and will end up as a $50 coaster someday, but the game is great.
Ive played all of like 4hrs into the game and thus far Ive blown up an entire town and let loose feral ghouls all over a hotel full of snobby 1950's elitist jerks. Oh but fear not! I killed the ghouls after I let them have fun.
Next step is to go looking for the previous Fallout's vaults. Dont know if Ill make it, but Ill try!
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2008 28 October :: 10.34 am
[Insert long winded post about emtional pangs here]
[Insert foot in mouth to stop from saying the above]
[Insert repression of sorrow & near-depression-like symptoms]
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2008 15 October :: 1.40 pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: Below
Below
Theres a shadow just behind me. shrouding every step I take.
Making every promise empty. pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler, who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path of must we, just because the son has come.
Jesus, wont you fucking whistle. something but the past and done.
Why cant we not be sober? I just want to start this over.
Why cant we drink forever? I just want to start this over.
I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you. trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave.
I will work to elevate you, just enough to bring you down.
Mother mary, wont you whisper. something but the past is done.
Why cant we not be sober? I just want to start this over.
Why cant we sleep forever? I just want to start this over.
I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you. trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave.
Trust me. trust me. trust me. trust me. trust me.
Why cant we not be sober. I just want to start things over.
Why cant we sleep forever. I just want to start this over.
I want what I want...
I want what I want...
I want what I want...
I want what I want...
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2008 15 October :: 1.38 pm
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: Tool - Sober
Something but past and done
Ok So theres a few things I want to get off my chest because its bugging the feck out of me.
I dont even feel ok to say anything about it in my own space. It is my bouncing wall to put my thoughts on so Im doing it anyway.
The stereo in my car doesnt work, and hasnt for about a month now. Its lead to alot of random thoughts to think about while driving.
Like this mornings thoughts...which bring the dread wrench feeling in my stomach.
Im very unhappy with how things ended with Rachel. I got too overbearing in the attempt to salvage anything and Im left with remorse, and a bit of hate on the whole thing. This leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Why? Oh mainly because it was 4years of my life.
(Side note, dont try to relate to my story, not looking for that)
6yrs ago I met her in a chat room and just had a friend for the summer. Someone to enjoy talking to.
4yrs ago I decided to try and make a long distance relationship work. Even if we werent together it was still nice to say we were.
2yrs ago I got back together with her. Ever since, we struggled to keep things together. Breakdowns aside I enjoyed it.
Time and again, I was either broke, or nearly broke but I made it work to get her here to be with me.
Then I went to see how things were for her down there...where shit went downhill. How far downhill it was before I even arrived I dont know. Rachel was always fairly good with hiding something if she wanted to. Her small hints tended to fall to the side, as I hadnt had time to take them in when in person. Subtle things like, she wasnt wearing the necklace I gave her that she attested to not taking off, or how she smiled at me even.
The more I think about it the more I dont know how distant she was from me already. It just felt like someone had been whispering bad things to her the whole time. It was like she was allowing me to be there simply to let me know I wasnt wanted anymore. Like I was cast aside and was simply being nice due to the pasttense of things.
Saturday night was a freaking crapfest. I dont know what she remembers of it either. All I know is that the time the the first set of folks left, and the second arrived. Things were bad. I was made to be the bad guy because of it. Totally not the case. That was a 50/50 street there. I was quiet and distant after 9pm. Why? Because what I saw was just not what I expected. I could have taken it in stride, but I knew that it wasnt possible. The remainder of the evening continued on the downhill slide.
Post mortim we emailed back and forth some on a few things. Which basically turned into me laying out my reasoning to her, and her getting increasingly angry and defensive. Very little do I find myself in uncomfortable situations. All of Saturday turned into that and Im not going to change my mind on the issues it involved.
I know what I want, and I know what I really, really dont want. What I saw was what I dont want. It hurt me. A lot. Why? Because I knew that 4yrs ago I said to myself something along the lines of "Ill make this work hell or high water." All it did was get worse from then. I broke down some now and then, but only out of longing. Wanting the wait to be over. She broke down harder, less often and I think ended out worse for it.
I broke up with her. She broke up with me. It was "mutual" at best.
I love the girl. I always will, Im just sad that my 'sunny-disposition' got in the way of the thing I hoped to do most. Protect her from the hurt. It seems all I did was manage to bandaid it and it continued to wrech.
Ill continue this rant later. ...prolly should block comments, but meh.
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2008 30 September :: 12.08 am
Gotta love cliffs...yup...
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2008 26 September :: 10.53 pm
:: Mood: indifferent
The A La Menthe
Nikkfurie - The A La Menthe.mp3
Many will remember this one from the movie Oceans Twelve. The scene with Le Mark doing the dance in the laser room when stealing the egg.
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Dont know how to cut me losses on the relationship ordeal...thankfully I keep busy with distractions.
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2008 24 September :: 12.55 pm
Life is a matter of Fortitude. You have it and keep it, or someone gives it to you and you try to make the best of that gift.
Thankfully it would seem I live somewhere between the line on that one. Like walking a tight rope.
...oh ya, the post below...I really hate that song right now...it needs to just not play on my radio.
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2008 23 September :: 9.49 am
:: Music: Moby-Porcelain
2 x 2 = 4 = no more
Rachel and I decided to call it quits yesterday. Seemed to be a rather mutual deal for the most part.
Im not gonna lie, it stings, and Im sad to let it go. Fortunately, I hope we will both be able to keep ourselves civil and sociable enough to not let it ruin at least being friends and to continue to talk with one another. I dont really want her to just up and leave from my life.
Moving on to other areas of life, I would like to say the walls are closing in on me and I feel Im about ready to submit to the pressure. Heres hoping I dont.
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2008 22 September :: 11.55 am
Weekend Report
Ok so Im back home now. Sitting at work writting this out.
Its been a very long vacation time. Full of...eh lack of sleep.
Trip #1
Friday was filled with being busy at work, then going to pack up for the trip to Wisconsin that weekend. The event was subpar, the field was amazing, and the days were wet. Getting the yurt to sleep in was an amazingly awesome choice, so thanks Vern on that one.
Saturday was spent just kinda dinking around once we arrived at the location. The evening was spent at the field hoping to get night games going but no one showed up because of the weather. Oh ha! Weather, non stop annoying rain for the whole day. Some flooding was seen here and there along the way.
Sunday was the event; turn out for the event was subpar as to be expected. Only 3/4 of the folks, at best, we ended up with like 37(OpFor/civi) and 17(US) players. It was just plain ducks in a barrel for them. The scenario was adjusted per turnout and skewed the whole thing up big time. My day was spent walking to and from the spawn location because I Was being killed constantly as I tried to medic heal the other players. I died about 10 times and attempted 13 medic card heals, all which turned out to be dead cards. So Im gonna go ahead and say next time someone else is doing that. Once that event was over with we returned to the yurt and changed/showered then went to eat. Dinner was good. Nice relaxing time.
Monday was the return trip and it went by with nothing exciting. Got back into GR around 4:30 that afternoon. Got home around 5pm and then unpacked threw the airsoft gear to its spot and grabbed clothes for the next trip. Left the apartment around 6:00 and went to Sprint. Ive got a new phone now. Went to my sisters after that and spent the evening talking to her and doing laundry in her 'flooded'/wet basement.
Trip #2
Tuesday: train day. I was bussed into Chicago from GR because of a mudslide closing the track around Michigan City. I got into Union Station around 10:30am(CT) and awaited the next train until my CHI to KC train came in. Wandering around Union Station isnt something I like to do, fyi. The train rolled in about 15min late and we got on our way shortly after. Got into Kansas City,MO around 11pm and walked through the station to find Rachel.(<3) The rest of the day was spent in the car till the wee hours of the morning driving to Cassville.
Wednesday was spent lounging around most of the day while Rachel was at school in the afternoon. That evening I got to meet Tylor and Tessi as well as Jacob. We hung out in front of Rachels place most of the night just talking then moving inside where they all had some drinks and continued the enjoyable night.
Thursday morning was amazing. The day was largely uneventful till that evening when we met up with Tylor, Caleb, Tessi, and Jacob to go to the Casion's in the area. We ended up all wining a little cash, me only winning like $10 off the slots. Im semi mad for not clocking out earlier than I did on the video poker, I have had about $30 more than I did.
Friday was spent moving, all day. Rachels mom and Lacey's mom made us dinner and it was good. Meatballs, Corn, Potatoes.
Saturday evening Rachel worked and I went to watch the softball game for the church that they all attend. Ridgley won 14-4 over the other church they played. The evening was spent feelinging somewhat ill from fastfood.
Stayed up that evening until going to meet Rachels parents to head back to KC.
Big mistake.
Sunday was a long, long day. I slept maybe an hour or so on in the car to KC. We left late out of KC, about 45min late, and I got like 3-4hrs of sleep on that train. 2 times we stopped without warning or reason and sat waiting for like 30min. Got into Union Station around 4:30 and immediately walked over to the boarding gate for the next train. We left on time for that one. Unfortunately the trip was stalled out as we sat in Gary Inidana wastelands for an 1.5hrs moving a little ways here and there for whatever reason. Traffic was heavy out that way on the tracks I guess. I got into GR around midnight and headed home. plopped into bed around 1am.
I slept hard last night but if I had the chance I would have been sleeping till around 1pm or so.
So thats the trip in a nut shell. Id write more but my brain hasnt given me a good way to put it all into words just yet. This being thoughts/feelings about things here and there in the trip.
But I will say this. I love Rachel wholeheartedly.
So <3 to her and /sleep to everyone else.
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2008 11 September :: 9.12 pm
Got into the wowbeta tonight. Downloading the client over night
Im a happy camper. Good weekend coming up. Rachel time. Computer is looking good. She got me Spore and that makes me a camper too.
<3 her
Bestest girlfriend!
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2008 10 September :: 11.47 am
So apparently the guys over at CERN are totally gonna mark a big moment in the human sciences. ...Which will go totally unnoticed by large portions of the populace of the world.
CERN Website
Press Release about experiments
They have the largest super collider in the world and are working at remaking things like the big bang and antimatter.
So if the world falls into chaos in the next bit of time here we can thank CERN for it.
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2008 2 September :: 2.18 pm
So ya, update time.
Ive been keeping very unbusy I suppose. Havent had much of anything to do or look forward to -aside from the middle of this month- so its been a holiday weekend filled with wow mainly.
Sold some of the airsoft stuff I was looking to sell. Ive got hopes to finish selling it all so I can change over like I wanted to. Moving to a better quality of G36C with a ppa M4 conversion on it.
I seriously spent 95% of the weekend being a bored slug. I hated it but I went along with it. I wish I had some amazing story to tell or something fun happened but it didnt.
So basically all I can say is that Im looking forward to the middle of the month and Ill be tired of the long trips but the fun awaiting on the other end of each will be worth the time. I arrive at Kansas City around 11pm(cst) which is rather unfortunate, for me and for Rachels sake. I wont see her much of the next day so Ill be just kinda taking in the environment. Maybe go for a jog, look at the paper if she has one -check for jobs- and just generally relax. Then when she gets home Ill totally be mean by holding out on giving her the gift I got. Our second 2yr anniv. is just a few days before the trip.
I dont know what she may have for work that week, but I hope its not too much. Id like to get some time with her. I know we both need it badly. Very badly.
I really need to look at getting another phone and I prolly will this week or next. Hoping my bill wont be too bad for what I want, which is just basically good service, texting, and like 100-200min.
Sigh. Rachel Im getting to antsy over this. <3 you so much!
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