Well I know, I miss more than hit
With a face that was launched to sink
An' I seldom feel, the bright relief
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
If there's one thing I have said
Is that the dreams I once had, now lay in bed
As the four winds blow, my wits through the door
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
Fallin' down to you sweet ground
Where the flowers they bloom
It's there I'll be found
Hurry back to me, my wild Colleen
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
Though these wounds have seen no wars
Except for the scars I have ignored
And this endless crutch, well it's never enough
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
Hell says hello, well it's time to I should go
To pastures green, that I've yet to see
Hurry back to me, my wild Colleen
It's been the Worst Day Since Yesterday
EDIT: Correction. I suffer from insomnia. Included in my package deal is anxiety and obsessive compulsive tendencies. This results in rumination. The end result of which is a mild and random psychosis.
Agoraphobia
Social anxiety disorder
Obsessive-compulsive disorder
Job did it better...
The friends spend 7 days sitting on the ground with Job, without saying anything to him because they see that he is suffering and in much pain. Job at last breaks his silence and "curses the day he was born".
-Last part-
Job, confident of his own innocence, maintains that his suffering is unjustified as he has not sinned, and that there is no reason for God to punish him thus. However, he does not curse God's name or accuse God of injustice but rather seeks an explanation or an account of his wrongdoing. Job does question God.
-Again, last part.-
God's speech also emphasizes His sovereignty in creating and maintaining the world. The thrust is not merely that God has experiences that Job does not, but also that God is King over the world and is not necessarily subject to questions from His creatures, including men. The point of these speeches, and ultimately the entire book of Job, is to defend the absolute freedom of God over His creation. God is not in need of the approval of His creation. He is free. Furthermore, Job's lack of knowledge and the ability to see the world as God does prevents him from fully understanding God's reasons for allowing Job's suffering.
-Grand scheme/Divine Plan, aside...how about some 1 on 1 talks? Aye?-
I dont find myself to be a religious man, as I see things for what science suggests unto me. Sadly, I question why things are like they are. I read sure things and add unto what reason I already had.
Though I find myself in a similar situation, however little it may seem. Job was a prophet renowned for his endurance (assumed to be of pain and suffering).
Ill take more pain. Ill deal with more suffering. In return I would at least like my chance to question that which is, but isnt.
Where does a man with no dream or ambition turn? Im at the end of my rope here. Thankfully I havent tied the knot on the noose.
The only woman I truly cared for, I have abandoned and cut myself off from. I shift away from social life. I continue to disengage my what one would call friends. I try to keep my mind from doing ration things like thinking about my situation.(This is becoming increasingly more hard) I hide behind walls...yet...I have pride. I have morals. I have eyes that see things that others cannot or choose not to. Then, I have sanity. It slips away more swiftly now.
So ya. Job did it better.
I should really look into getting therapy or some fucking happy pills.
::
2009 18 November :: 2.25 am
Current mindset
Kill me if you dare
Hold my head up everywhere
Keep myself right on this train
I'm the Underdog
Live my life on a lullaby
Keep myself riding on this train
Keep myself riding on this train
Love in technicolour, sprayed out on walls
Well I've been pounding at the pavement
'Til there's nothing at all
I got my cloak and dagger
In a bar room brawl
See the local loves a fighter
Loves a winner to fall
Feels like I'm lost in a moment
I'm always losing to win
Can't get away from the moment
Seems like it's time to begin
Kill me if you dare
Hold my head up everywhere
Keep myself right on this train
I'm the Underdog
Live my life on a lullaby
Keep myself riding on this train
Keep myself riding on this train
It don't matter
I won't do what you say
You've got the money and the power
I won't go your way
And I can't take for the people
They don't matter at all
And I'll be waiting in the shadows
'Til the day that you fall
Feels like I'm lost in a moment
And I'm always losing to win
Can't get away from the moment
Seems like it's time to begin
Kill me if you dare,
Hold my head up everywhere
Keep myself right on this train
I'm the Underdog,
Live my life on a lullaby
Keep myself riding on this train
Tell me if you're down
Throw your weapons to the ground
Keep myself riding on this train
Paper on the wire
Sold your soul for another one
Keep myself riding on this train
Keep myself riding on this train
::
2009 31 October :: 6.31 pm
:: Music: Flobots - Happy Together
Update to an old song
Imagine me and you, I do
I think about you day and night
It's only right
Ta think about the girl you love,
and hold her tight.
So happy together
If I should call you up
Invest a dime
And you say you belong to me
And ease my mind
Imagine how the world would be
So very fine
So happy together
Imagine me and you
I do but I'm thinking too much and I'm studying
how they toss the dice
it had to be simpler back in the day when our folks were
pretty certain they would find someone
now none of it's assigned
we just want a date
whether deaf or blind or dumb
I look at your number and wonder if I should
call you up
or invest a dime in a message with text that doesn't
belong to me but it would
ease my mind to know if the songs I'm singin are
in a key you can comprehend
in tune with the thoughts you're pondering
if so we can both stop wondering if and
be together like Donner and Blitzen
but all reindeer games aside
it's like right when you came here, I came alive
it's like everything else was a glipse of you
giving hints and clues of where your name resides
now that I've found you it's changed the vibe
shattered through all the blame fear pain and pride
doesn't matter who calls and inversts a dime
they get a message saying we're staying inside
cause I imagine, you and me could make music beautifully
could make moves never lose the beat
I can imagine the food that we chose to eat
I see it all like a view from a movie seat
and imagine you and me
never knew that we
were never more than a few degrees
and how good it would prove to be
but the waiting is over I finally found you and...
I can't see me loving nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me
Baby the skies will be blue
For all my life
Me and you
And you and me
No matter how they toss the dice
It had to be
The only one for me is you
And you for me
So happy together
Imagine me and you
and you and you me
no other way for we to be
toss the dice eventually
snake-eyes spells a tragedy
and I release unhappily
the magic now a fantasy
the another one for me than you
a some other one for you than me
and that's the way it has to be
an uncompleted masterpiece
deleted canvas atrophy
cut be another after me
a silent wound whose lips confess
Love's loss under Love's duress
a curse confessing hope
and then reverse the blessing emptiness
this hollow whole wont coalesce
regrets emote from hole in chest
as less remote emotions pull from
gravities growing depths
I have it easy knowing this
together we will never fit
So I'd rather bind my mind with rhymes
than blind my eyes and sever it
I can't see me loving nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me
Baby the skies will be blue
For all my life
BA PA PA PA BA PARA ....
Me and you
And you and me
No matter how they toss the dice
It has to be
The only one for me is you
And you for me
So happy togetherAnd I don't know and I can't think
and I'm so smote that I can't see
and I look at the picture I have in my head and
I won't doze and I can't sleep
and it's so good that I'm locked down
and your quotes get put in my thoughts now
and there's nobody else to distract me
cause you've got me on lockdown
and it can't stop and it won't stop
and we rock on leavin shows stopped
so thank you for comin goodnight everyone we're the flobots...
Pro tip: don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Hurts more.
::
2009 29 October :: 4.09 pm
:: Music: Johnny Cash
When the Man Comes Around
I had a dream a few nights ago. Freaked me out.
Started with me sitting in some stupid classroom. The teacher ranting about something, I dont remember what now.
Im sitting there and suddenly something happens. Im looking at my hands trying to guess what. I cant figure it out, or better yet why Im in a class room. I feel like I always have. So I get up and start walking out of class. My mind freezes on a image of the teacher holding a paper rolled up ready to hit something with and asking me in a snarling voice, "Going somewhere Mr. Edly?"
I respond with a quick "Buzz off." Open the door and head out. He stares at the doorway for a moment before running out and shouting at me to get back in there. After I round a corner he goes to call for security or some such.
When I reach a door that goes outside Im met with opposition of guards. "Going Somewhere kid?"
-"Ya, where ever I damn well please."
"Kids shouldnt wander off the school, nor should they leave class. So why dont we go to the office and call your parents, aye?"
-"Fat chance Im..."
Thwack...Im hit with something on the back of the neck and black out. My eyes open again as I sit in a chair in a waiting room, cuffed to a desk. Im so confused! Who keeps someone locked in a building like this? Im 22! Then it hits me. Im in a school...Im...Im 12 again to everyone else.
Flash forward
Im running in a field and jump a fence. A police officer in pursuit. Im so confused.
This dream confuses me so much.
It ends with the officer falling off the fence and him watching me run into some trees.
This whole thing was so vivid in the moment. I woke up after having it enough to converse to myself about it so I would make myself remember. I hate having dreams when for the longest time I dont have any at all that I recall.
You light me up little girl like the 4th of July
I love you more than every single star man in the sky
You are the best damn thing that ever happened to me
Want to take you home ____________
You are a damn fine lady like no other
Want to introduce you to my father and my mother
___________________________________________
Can't wait to get you home and get you under the covers
::
2009 26 October :: 3.56 pm
:: Music: Cage the Elephant
Back against the wall
Something is there...I don't know what...DAMNIT!
Tonight I’ll have a look
And try to find my face again
Buried beneath this house
My spirit screams and dies again
Out back a monster wears a cloak of Persian leather
Behind the TV screen
I've fallen to my knees
I said you got me where you want me again
And I can’t turn away
I'm hanging by thread and I'm feelin’ like a fool
I'm stuck here in-between
The shadows of my yesterday
I want to get away
I need to get away
Blanket of silence
Makes me want to sink my teeth in deep
Burn all the evidence
A fabricated disbelief
Pull back the curtains
Took a look into your eyes
My tongue has now become
A platform for your lies
I said you got me where you want me again
And I can’t turn away
I'm hanging by thread and I'm feelin’ like a fool
I'm stuck here in-between
The shadows of my yesterday
I want to get away
I need to get away
Now you know
Yeah you got my back against the wall
Oh god
I ain't got no other place to hide
Chained down
Like a sittin’ duck just waitin’ for the fall
You know
Yeah you got my back against the wall
Deep in the jungle
Camouflaged by all the fallen leaves
A hand holds up the sky
While shamefully I make my plea
The alters callin’
But my legs won’t seem to stand
Guess I'm a coward
Scared to face the man I am
I said you got me where you want me again
And I can’t turn away
I'm hanging by thread and I'm feelin’ like a fool
I'm stuck here in-between
The shadows of my yesterday
I want to get away
I need to get away
Now you know
Yeah you got my back against the wall
Oh god
I ain't got no other place to hide
Chained down
Like a sittin’ duck just waitin’ for the fall
You know
Yeah you got my back against the wall
Now you know
Yeah you got my back against the wall
Oh god
I ain't got no other place to hide
Chained down
Like a sittin’ duck just waitin’ for the fall
You know
Yeah you got my back against the wall
Suburban days, they last so long,
In shop and office,
We sing our song we all sing...
We ain't got nothing, nothing to do,
A big fat nothing, Nothing for me, Nothing for you...
Suburban dreams, Just out of reach,
Work til you die, that's what they teach you at school,
With that in mind, what's there to lose?
My friends and I, doped up on tv fags and booze.
Hear them all singing...
[CHORUS:]
We're the ones that you've forgotten,
But we will not be denied,
Coming out of the shadows,
We rock the satellites!
Suburban Nights, They get so hot,
People get angry, We sing our song we all sing...
A Global terror they say, We are at war,
But I ain't got time for that cos,
These bills keep dropping through my door
[CHORUS:]
We're the ones that you've forgotten,
Out of mind, out of sight,
Coming out of the shadows,
We rock the satellites!
All these people who, criticize us,
We're only saying what we're seeing with our own eyes..
This one way system, It ain't - It ain't paradise,
Not everybody, Wants to race, wants to fight...
Hear them all singin...
[CHORUS:]
We're the ones that you've forgotten,
But we will not be denied,
Coming out of the shadows,
We rock the satellites!
We're the ones that you've forgotten,
Out of mind out of sight,
Coming out of the shadows,
Coming live via satellite...
I think my Ego has some issues to talk to me about. Its growing too big for its own good. Its attempts to satisfy both my superego and id just fails. It overcompensates both and ends up rushing into recovery mode. The superego and the id just end up bashing the ego together making a mess in my head. Neither of the two parts is getting what it wants because the ego fucked up. It doesnt know how to tag things on one side and make the other end understand its meaning. This sersious lack of inner correspondence is my fault. My black hole. Every problem it eats only makes the hole grow and become worse.
When do i get my cut in this process? when do i get to let go of the leash making this mess?
If you want me to just cut my losses and start over, then fucking give me a sign about what to do once Ive cut and run.