I Won't Be Broken Again

I Won't Be Broken Again

:: 2003 26 September :: 11.22pm
:: Mood: angry

A Shotgun?
alright, so here goes:

okay, you know that the only two emotions that I've been able to feel were bouncy fake happyness, and depression, now all I can really feel is anger, I mean, after my teacher basically called me fucking retarded and other issues, I've been angry... losa losa anger... damn teen angst

I've got to breathe

VampiressHollyMarie

:: 2003 26 September :: 8.51pm
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: stuff

grr
my computer has gone permenately retarded, trying to fix it right now, damn pop -ups... I bored, not good mood, jeeze, when was thr last time I was? Oh yeah... I 'memeber, it was only for like a half an hour though...

I've got to breathe

VampiressHollyMarie

:: 2003 24 September :: 7.11pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: nothing

Fun?
I had fun today, the first meeting for creative writing club was fuun.. Amanda was there (yay! for Amanda) she wrote a poem while we were sitting there, it was a really good poem eventhough she really didnt think it was. I made me think, but of what I'm not saying. Shes a really good writer, better then I am.

2 I can't keep going under | I've got to breathe

VampiressHollyMarie

:: 2003 22 September :: 5.10pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: Everybody's Fool

damn it
I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself again. I cant see anything good anymore since I fought with "it" I cant tell him that I like him for certain reasons, and I dont want to admit it to myself. I cant stand this. Cant I do anything right?

2 I can't keep going under | I've got to breathe

VampiressHollyMarie

:: 2003 20 September :: 8.21pm
:: Mood: contemplative

I havent much to say to you, but I pose to you this single question:
Is it so wrong to change?

5 I can't keep going under | I've got to breathe

VampiressHollyMarie

:: 2003 20 September :: 11.06am
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: Evanesence

I CAN TALK ABOUT WHATEVER DA HELL I WANT!
Jerry, dont tell me what to and not to talk about, it isnt just talk, and it isnt any of your buisness, its not like youd care anyway, you have no idea who I am or anything that bothers me. I hurt, I hurt so bad I want it to stop, thats the only way I know how to make it stop, there isnt anything anyone can do to change that. I want the pain gone, I never ever want to see or feel anything like it again, but alas it wont leave me alone, it hurts to talk, to breathe, and no one notices, no one knows that I'm in pain and no one cares. They make it all about them so I once again get pushed away from the help that I so sorely need before I go off of the deep end. I'm not just a cutter, I'm suicidal. I want to die, I'd give my life for anything. I dont belong here, they dont notice it, bt I do. No one loves me. I cant do anything right. I'm just gonna leave it like that... I have algebra homwork to finish... and Yu-Gi-Oh scares the crap out of me.

6 I can't keep going under | I've got to breathe

VampiressHollyMarie

:: 2003 19 September :: 4.29pm
:: Mood: depressed

Mixed feeling, feeling of love, feeling of depression, which will come out victor in the end? Depression, of course. I hate this, I cant stand not feeling alive any more. this isnt fair...

I've got to breathe

VampiressHollyMarie

:: 2003 18 September :: 4.16pm

well, I was going through Jerry's journal today, it was funny, I was bored... I dont understand the name alteration... but here's our first, or second, I'm not sure, conversation ever...

((Zozma)) [9:59 PM]: Bonjour Vil! Quel est en haut?
Bloodplague666 [9:59 PM]: ew. french
((Zozma)) [9:59 PM]: Oh allume ce ne s'est pas cela mauvais
((Zozma)) [9:59 PM]: Its not that bad
((Zozma)) [10:00 PM]: you can say things like this J'ai pouss� mon doigt dans l'�ne de mon p�p� and no one will understand
Bloodplague666 [10:00 PM]: E ghuf aqyldmo ruf pyt ed ec. Ruf'c drec vun y tevvanahd myhkiyka?

((Zozma)) [10:01 PM]: Nope, not getting that
Bloodplague666 [10:01 PM]: E lyh ku vun ruinc.
Bloodplague666 [10:01 PM]: it's Al Bhed
((Zozma)) [10:01 PM]: Nope, not coming to me
((Zozma)) [10:01 PM]: OH! OH! YES! THAT!
((Zozma)) [10:01 PM]: I KNO!
((Zozma)) [10:01 PM]: I should have known that
Bloodplague666 [10:02 PM]: YOU LIKE FINAL FANTASY?!
((Zozma)) [10:02 PM]: Yes..
Bloodplague666 [10:03 PM]: cool. i love squaresoft and HIronobu Sakaguchi is a god
((Zozma)) [10:03 PM]: I like Yuna Braska
((Zozma)) [10:03 PM]: And Rikku
((Zozma)) [10:03 PM]: And Wakk
((Zozma)) [10:03 PM]: a
((Zozma)) [10:03 PM]: And Steve
((Zozma)) [10:03 PM]: I love Steve
Bloodplague666 [10:03 PM]: especially steve
Bloodplague666 [10:04 PM]: i don't know steve
((Zozma)) [10:04 PM]: Oh god yes, Steve should be worshipped
Bloodplague666 [10:04 PM]: who is he?
((Zozma)) [10:05 PM]: I have NO idea
((Zozma)) [10:05 PM]: beep beep beep
Bloodplague666 [10:05 PM]: hahaha. i like your style.
((Zozma)) [10:06 PM]: Oh god no
((Zozma)) [10:06 PM]: Who are you?
((Zozma)) [10:06 PM]: WHERE IS MY KEY CHAINS?
Bloodplague666 [10:06 PM]: you
Bloodplague666 [10:06 PM]: are
((Zozma)) [10:06 PM]: OH MY GOD! MY SOCK!
Bloodplague666 [10:06 PM]: intersting
Bloodplague666 [10:06 PM]: NOT THE SOCK!
((Zozma)) [10:06 PM]: YES! THE SOCK!
((Zozma)) [10:09 PM]: I have a butt slut
Bloodplague666 [10:09 PM]: beg pardon?
((Zozma)) [10:10 PM]: I. Have. A. Butt. Slut.
Bloodplague666 [10:10 PM]: i read that in your journal and justraised an eyebrow. what. is. a. butt. slut?
((Zozma)) [10:10 PM]: A title, nothing really, for me anyway
Bloodplague666 [10:11 PM]: ..o...k...
((Zozma)) [10:11 PM]: GEERGH
Bloodplague666 [10:11 PM]: what is that niose?
((Zozma)) [10:12 PM]: Blue squares
Bloodplague666 [10:12 PM]: oh. thanks for clearing that up
((Zozma)) [10:12 PM]: Je parie vous aimez pousser des choses dans votre �ne s'ils re�oivent enchev�tr� dans vos cheveux d'�ne
((Zozma)) [10:13 PM]: I bet you love to shove things in your ass so they get tangled in your ass hair
Bloodplague666 [10:13 PM]: i bet you need to go to bed
((Zozma)) [10:13 PM]: Yes
((Zozma)) [10:13 PM]: BLUE SQUARES!
Bloodplague666 [10:14 PM]: you are very interesting
((Zozma)) [10:14 PM]: Fank you
((Zozma)) [10:16 PM]: Legardored is your Vampire name. You are one hell of an insane Vampire. Anyone who messes with you is out of their minds. To use your new Vampire name and become a Vampire, go here: www.life-blood.cjb.net
Bloodplague666 [10:17 PM]: already been there. i don't get the site
((Zozma)) [10:17 PM]: Blood
Bloodplague666 [10:18 PM]: yes.
((Zozma)) [10:18 PM]: I meant bloob
Bloodplague666 [10:18 PM]: i like blood better
((Zozma)) [10:18 PM]: I like rice
Bloodplague666 [10:18 PM]: oh yeah
((Zozma)) [10:19 PM]: YES!
((Zozma)) [10:19 PM]: RICE
((Zozma)) [10:19 PM]: IT SMELLS
((Zozma)) [10:23 PM]: Ne vous a jamais mettre le chat dans la micro-onde
Bloodplague666 [10:23 PM]: when did you learn french so well?
((Zozma)) [10:23 PM]: Don't ever put you cat in the microwave
((Zozma)) [10:24 PM]: Yesterday
Bloodplague666 [10:25 PM]: you are the wierdest person i have ever met. i'm glad i met you
((Zozma)) [10:25 PM]: YAY!
((Zozma)) [10:25 PM]: Ne vous a pas mettre le chat dans la micro-onde
Bloodplague666 [10:26 PM]: but i gotta go. i'll talk to you next time. just...stay odd.
((Zozma)) [10:26 PM]: Dirrty
((Zozma)) [10:26 PM]: Bah
-----------------------------------
BAH! HEAD SPLODY MOTHER FUUKER!

4 I can't keep going under | I've got to breathe

VampiressHollyMarie

:: 2003 15 September :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: depressed

Becca's Post
I no like this, hopefully I'll be brave enough... I dont think I will, but maybe... sleeping pills?

2 I can't keep going under | I've got to breathe

VampiressHollyMarie

:: 2003 14 September :: 8.57pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: UsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSsSs

Holly's post
WE FUCKING ROCKED! STANDING OVATION! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Luke didnt make it, but he called me when I got home, and apologized, yeah he was wasted... My "Big Sis" made it as well... she brought her sisters too and I noticed when I was singing that she pointed at my tattoo.... I wonder why...? Oh well, it doesnt bother me that she thinks I might be in a cult... I had a good day and cult accusations dont really get to me anymore... after the thrity fourth you just get used to them and they come as a normal part of life... Yeah... but anyway... Kris is having another of her famous parties tomorrow.... its going to be fun... five bucks says Luke will come and get drunk and make an ass out of us... I have no idea why I havent broken up with him yet... I dunno... I'm really sick of putting up with him... not to mention I met this really nice guy when we went to dinner earlier... he asked me out but I had to turn him down, damn Luke. If he does another thing.. I swear... he's history... seriously... kay then, I need sleep, school again... nighty night

I've got to breathe

VampiressHollyMarie

:: 2003 14 September :: 5.01pm
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: Kris in the backround immatating the way that I sing... she cant do it...

Holly's post
Today sucked, we had a test... lame ass tests.. tonight we have a gig though, awesome... Luke said that he'd be there, I doubt it though... He'll probably get drunk and pass out before six anyway... its what he does... But yeah, anyway, we're playing in teh park, my "Big Sister" that Kathy signed me up for said that she'd make it... I really dont give a damn though, I've only spoken to the woman once... she isnt that interesting... although in her attic she has a book with the tattoo I have on my stomach on the front.. and I think she and her sisters are witches... but yeah anyway... today I skipped my fourth hour and hung out in the bathroom all hour drawing a mural in Sharpie on one of the bathroom stalls... it was neat.. damn Sunday school... damn mother... I cant believe they made me get up at 6 on a Sunday and go to that fucking place... I'm atheist and they make me go to a god damn Catholic School and wear that god damn uniform... Kris says that I only have to wait it out of one and a half more years, but I think that that is way the hell too long. I cant stand those fucking nuns... its lame.... well, Kelly and Roni are here and they want to reherse now... so buh-bye..

I've got to breathe

VampiressHollyMarie

:: 2003 14 September :: 3.12pm
:: Mood: Sorry
:: Music: Perfect- Simple Plan

"Perfect"

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spend with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard
Just to talk to you
But you don't understand

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I've got to breathe

VampiressHollyMarie

:: 2003 14 September :: 2.09pm
:: Mood: bouncy

Have you ever noticed that having an online journal is like having an online threapist? For me that is anyway. I think that having one, or four actually, of the god for saken things has really helped me. I like this because I know that I can say whatever the hell I want here and most of the people who read it have no idea what in the hell I'm talking about. I like this, I really really do. I like knowing that I can post almost all of my feelings here and no one can get hurt. But I really dont feel negitivly towards anyone so much that it would hurt them, cept some of my "family" members that is...

So yeah anyway, just as a warning to those who regularly read this journal, I'm going to start posting as Holly, but I will be in my old journal... LosLilGirl... Well then, buh-bye

I've got to breathe

VampiressHollyMarie

:: 2003 14 September :: 2.01pm
:: Mood: bouncy

I've got to breathe

VampiressHollyMarie

:: 2003 11 September :: 3.09pm
:: Mood: crappy

Suicide
I wanna die. Turns out that I'm "noticed" differently by "It" then I had thought. I hate this, I hate feeling this way. I hate that that its all that I think about, I hate it that thats all I ever see. I hate seeing "It" eveywhere I go. I have no escape... unless...

I've got to breathe