very funny
Ok, because I'm a bitch and like leaving random posts on here, I found a list on-line that I thought was pretty funny. It's long, but hey, it works for those people who have no common sense.

-Don't eat rocks.
-Don't take naps in the road.
-Don't stoke fires with your fingers.
-Don't throw a brick straight up.
-Don't breathe car exhaust.
-If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.
-For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.
-Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
-Don't stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.
-The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
-If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you're traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.
-If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don't do it with your head.
-Don't flip off the Mafia.
-If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
-Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
-Light birthday cake candles from back to front.
Don't shave with a lawn mower.
-Just because your body has orifices doesn't mean you should put things into them.
-Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.
-Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what's inside.
-The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all."
-Don't bathe in a tub full of snow.
-Don't iron clothes while wearing them.
-The expression "Life in the fast line" should not inspire you to live in the road.
-Don't eat hot coals.
-Don't escape in to jail.
-Don't wash floors with cough syrup.
-Don't kick porcupines with bare feet.
-Don't sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.
-Sell at most one of your kidneys.
-Don't lie down in a cattle pen.
-Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.
-Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.
-Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.
-Don't snap towels at passing cops.
-Don't throw an angry cat straight up.
-Don't lick dry ice.
-Before you leap upside down onto a trampoline, make sure it's right side up.
-Don't pour salt in your eyes.
-Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
-Don't microwave yourself.
-Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.
-Don't swallow toothpaste.
-Don't chew Tylenol.
-Don't bathe in gasoline.
-Don't sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump.
-Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.
-Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.
-Don't listen to music from the Spice Girls.
-Don't lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.
-Don't go swimming in a well.
-Rake leaves, not people.
-Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.
-Contrary to popular opinion, you're not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.
-If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it's free.
-Don't kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.
-Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window -- use the stairs.
-When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
-Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.
-Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.
-Elvis is dead. Get over it.
-Wear clothes.
-Use a pot holder when removing items from the oven.
-If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
-Don't drink.
-Don't drive.
-Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
-Don't brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel.
-When using a weed whacker, don't hold the end with the wire.
-When using a blow gun -- something you should always have a very good reason for doing anyway -- draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel.
-No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
-Give me all your money.
-When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
-Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands.
-Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.

2 x escaped from x | † hell †