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:: 2004 19 June :: 9.00am
:: Mood: tired

i don't know what's wrong with me, i can't eat.. or when i do eat i can't keep it down. too much stress over jim or something; i don't know.

jim came over yesterday for about an hour. we're still together. he felt the baby kick for the first time yesterday.. it was so cute. he got me a dozen roses and a card.. i love him so much.

amy came over to.. she just left about a half hour ago. she had to go to work.

i'm just sitting here; my mom and i are going to get george his fathers day present today. and then i'm gonna try to go to jims house, or maybe i can get him to come over here. it depends on if he has to work or not.

i'm gonna go try to get some more sleep because i hardly slept at all last night.

:: 2004 17 June :: 11.51pm

i just talked to jim on the phone.. i told him that i just wanted to be friends and that we'd talk about everything when i saw him in person.

..we'll see

:: 2004 17 June :: 11.12pm
:: Mood: rejected

i don't even know what's going on anymore.. i mean i think i broke up with jim, but he doesn't seem to think so. but what am i kidding myself? i'm nothing without him. we're like bonnie & clyde, peanut butter & jelly, spaghitti & meatballs.

everythings still going around all in my mind, jim.. cheating on me? i don't know; i never thought he would ever do something like that, because we talked about stuff like that.. but i don't know. when i asked the girl-- she didn't deny it. jim swears nothing happened;; that they were just friends and only talked. in a way i want to slap him and tell him to stop lying to me but in another way i believe him. i've been thinking about it all day, and i don't know what to do.

i've cried enough in the past 2 days. i just need to stop, whatever happened happened.

i guess it hurts the most because i always believed that he loved me so much but anymore even though he says he does; i don't know if he's just saying that because of the baby, or if he really does.

then i think about the baby and maybe he really does love me because my mom and i told him that if he wants out he can just leave, and he wouldn't have to pay for anything. and he doesn't seem like he wants to leave.

if he needed a friend, why couldn't he talk to me? he had to go talk to some girl all the time? we've been together for a year & a 1/2 and i'm having his baby for god sakes.

all i keep thinking to myself is that i should have broke up with him a long time ago when he stopped coming around. god just to see him i have to bend over backwards. he always seems to be busy, or never has a ride or just some fuckin' excuse! he hasn't been around for the past 4-5 months, i'm used to him not being around so it's not like that's any different.

..but i don't know

:: 2004 16 June :: 10.11pm

..i wish things could be like they used to

:: 2004 16 June :: 1.41am
:: Mood: sad

Cut the skin to the bone
Fall asleep all alone
Hear your voice in the dark
Lose myself in your eyes
Choke my voice
Say goodnight as the world falls apart
Fuck I can't let this kill me
Let go
I need some more time to fix this

Here's a letter for you
But the words get confused
And the conversation dies
Apologize for the past
Talk some shit take it back
Are we cursed to this life

Fuck I can't let this kill me
Let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this

I'm talking to the ceiling
My life just lost all meaning
Do one thing for me tonight
I'm dying in this silence
The last star left in heaven
Is falling down to earth and
Do you still feel the same way
Do you still feel the same way

:: 2004 15 June :: 3.28pm

guys aren't worth fuckin' shit.

:: 2004 13 June :: 1.00pm

so i can't think of anymore names for the baby.. so far i've come up with:

trinity
amaya
baily
morgan
ella

blah.. it's such a hard decision!

:: 2004 12 June :: 12.56am
:: Mood: sad

i'm just sitting here, drinking some ice water.

:: 2004 10 June :: 11.51pm
:: Mood: funny

didn't go get my permit today.. "something came up" so i guess we're getting it tomorrow.

we'll see.

:: 2004 9 June :: 11.20am
:: Mood: cranky

i hurt my foot.

i've watched moulin rouge 5 times in the past 2 days. lol, i still love that movie.

going to get my permit tomorrow.

july 1 is my next doctors apt. for the baby.

i don't know what i'm doing today.. chelsea is coming at 2.. and she'll be here to watch the girls til around 9.. so i have all that free time of doing nothing. hmmm.. i'll see what jim is doing.

:: 2004 6 June :: 1.07pm
:: Mood: lazy

first off: WE FOUND ZEUS! we put an add in the newspaper under lost & found and someone called about him. i guess the night of the storm [when he ran away] he was up the mingo twist n shake and all scared and everything, so some guy opened his car door and let him in. they took him home. i'm so happy! we get to go get him around 4:30-5:00.

i went to the doctors on thursday. i have some sorta infection. but it'll cause me to go into early [way early] labor; so i had to get on more antibiotics. there is always so many things wrong with me.

ahhhh. yesterday in the morning my aunt loraine, gram and i went to waynesburg for a yard sale, for my grams therapist (SP?) [yes, thats like 45 minutes away from where i live.] my aunt and i didn't want to go, but my gram put the guilt trip on; and we ended up going.. but in the end it was a good thing because we got a crib for up my aunts house, a walker, and a whole bunch of little rattles/infant toys. melanie [i think that was her name.. thats joes wife] and joe [my grams therapist] have 3 little girls, so they have about a million infant clothes. so she said she would save the clothes until i knew for sure that i was having a girl. and that was really nice.

yesterday around 5:00 i went into tha bar, for the fundraiser thing. we did really good. we were packed. i was really tired by the end of the night though.

todays berts welcome home picnic! he got back from over-seas thursday. but he can only stay home for 7 weeks.. but i bet tammy and the girls are so happy he's home.

:: 2004 2 June :: 8.48pm
:: Mood: upset

we can't find zeus..

he's been gone for a few hours, and he's never ran away before.

i hope he's okay.

:(

:: 2004 2 June :: 12.25pm
:: Mood: blank

my feet are cold.

well yesterday i went with my mom to the school got all my stuff, returned my books blah blah blah. i'm taking finials sometime at the end of the month i guess.

after that we went to k-mart and got a couple things. then we went to the bar, got something to eat and left. we came home only to leave again to go to annas play at the highschool. that was only about an hour or so. after that we all went home.

my mom, george and the girls left to go to the parrothead meeting in pittsburgh. i went up my aunt loraines and we put her pool deck together and hung some things up for my gram. after that my aunt loraine and i ordered pizza for us. then kelly came up and we gave her some pizza. doug ate his, uncle only ate a little bit, and jeff ate the rest. i went home around 11:30. watched some tv; and went to sleep.

i woke up around 11:30 this morning, ate a bowl of coco puffs. mmmmm, they were good. talked to my mom. called my gram and told her that i'd be up when the guys up there were done paving my aunts drive way to help her plant some flowers and finish up her little deck she has.

haven't talked to jim in a few days. nothing new though.

i have a doctors apointment tomorrow. blah blah blah. nothing exciting anyways.. i'll update more about this tomorrow :-D

oh.. june 5 [this saturday] at the bar [the Sand Bar in Washington] is having a fundraiser for Cannonsburg Hospitals Emergency Room. I'll be selling raffles, and cookies or something like that. so everyone that reads this [my friends that live around me!] better tell their moms/dads ect. to come. :)

well i better go, i think i'm gonna go paint my aunts things i told her i'd paint.

:: 2004 31 May :: 12.16am
:: Mood: tired

the 29th was a year 1/2 for jim and i.

happy memorial day. :-P

:: 2004 27 May :: 10.06pm
:: Mood: bored

Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results

Sociability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Activity Level	\|\|\|\|\|\|	18%
Excitement-Seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Enthusiasm	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	22%
Extroversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	29%
Trust	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Morality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Altruism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Cooperation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Modesty	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Sympathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Friendliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Confidence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Neatness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Achievement	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	22%
Self-Discipline	\|\|\|\|\|\|	18%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	37%
Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Volatility	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Depression	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Self-Consciousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Impulsiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Vulnerability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	29%
Imagination	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Artistic Interests	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Introspection	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|	18%
Liberalism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	41%

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:: 2004 26 May :: 8.42pm
:: Mood: crappy

didn't go to school today. i woke up at like 6:00, took pain meds and musta fell back asleep.. i woke up around 11.

:: 2004 24 May :: 10.29am
:: Mood: listless

blah- stupid me being sick. stupid kidney infection ect..

george had gotten 2 blink 182 tickets for saturday. [the 22nd] and had asked if i wanted them. to bad i was in the hospital and could barely move.

i'm feeling a lot better now. especially this morning. i woke up, and can actually stand up straight without having a massive amout of pain.

..back to school tomorrow!

8 days left.

:: 2004 23 May :: 10.58pm
:: Mood: sick, tired, in pain.. ect.

sorry i haven't updated much lately. a lot of things have been going on.

thursday i called my mom and told her that i had a bladder infection.

friday, i went to school.. but only to be sent home an hour later & 1/2 later because there wasn't any power. so my mom took me to the doctors, and they gave me meds for my bladder infection. and told me that if the pain in my right side was getting any worse to go to the ER. so about 7:30 that night i called my mom and told her that i couldn't even stand up.

i went to the hospital, they took tests/blood and everything. only to tell me about 70 thousand hours later that i was pregnant. okay. 21 weeks pregnant. from the ultrasound they did the lady said she thinks its a girl.. but cannonsburg hospital doesn't do OBGYN, so i had to be transfered to washington hospital. i rode in an ambulance to get there because i had an iv in my arm and its the law that i had to ride in an ambulance. the guy was really nice that rode with me. he told me to keep my head up, because i didn't have anything to be ashamed of.

when i got there it was already about mindnight. i was so tired. but i had to stay awake.. they asked me questions and everything. put a new iv in, and checked blood pressure/babys heart rate. the nurse that was in there for the night her name was Pat. she was so nice. i didn't get a full nights sleep the whole 2 days i stayed over, because they always came in to change my iv or check up on me.. blah, i slept during most of the day. i ended up having a kidney infection, but they said it was good i came in because it can cause a miscarrage.

i'm not allowed to go to school tomorrow. and i still have to get 3 perscriptions filled.. the place wasn't open on sundays.. which means no pain meds.. which means i'll be in pain.

everyones handling it well. even i am. i just can't wait until everyone reads this. it'll be around the school by tuesday.

i'm telling everyone now: just leave me alone and don't ask any questions.

:: 2004 20 May :: 7.20pm
:: Mood: blah

9 days of school left.

:: 2004 19 May :: 10.36am
:: Mood: blahhhhhhh

went to the magestrate [sp?] yesterday. my fines came to $104.22. okay.. dumb.

10 days of school left

:: 2004 17 May :: 11.27pm

...in strange and unusual positions! Baaaaaah

What's your sexual perversion?

Created by ptocheia

..haha

:: 2004 17 May :: 10.57pm
:: Mood: tired

12 days of hell left.

i had a great weekend. i spent it mostly with jim. i stayed over rochelles friday night, and jims saturday. we went to pike days. i ate a lot. jim and i talked. i miss him being over here all the time.. but i know the situation, and it will change soon.

i had my physical today for my permit.. hmmmmm, jim really doesn't want me to get it. i don't really want to get it either; but with things that are going to be coming up soon.. i'm going to need it. [jim, you know what i'm talking about.. 4 months baby.]

i called my mom today around 1:30, told her i didn't feel good. i started crying on the phone. i don't even know the real reason for starting to cry. i'm under a lot of stress and everything, keeping such a big secret to myself. it's harder than you'd think.

i have to go to the magestrate [sp?] tomorrow at 2:30, my mom is picking me up at 2:15. stupid people, if i want to miss school for being sick; let me. don't interfere. god.

i'm trying to stay awake until 11 so i can call jim back.. but i don't know if i'm going to make it. blah.

i love you jim. year and a half baby, and stronger than ever.. we won't let this one thing bring us apart.

:: 2004 14 May :: 10.45am
:: Mood: poopie

not really doing anything.. just waiting for becky to get done with a worksheet that i need to copy.

talked to jim last night. i'm gonna try to go over his house tonight. i don't have to watch the girls this weekend, they go to their dads house.. woohu. it's pike days this weekend. oh yea. rochelle and i are going out to eat with her dad on saturday. then on sunday i'm going to pike days with rochelle and jim probably. but i'm not sure yet.

blah, it's going to be a long day.

:: 2004 11 May :: 11.11am
:: Mood: hahaha

oh people these days. i guess i need to be "supported" now..? lmao, oh man. to funny.

:: 2004 10 May :: 10.26pm
:: Mood: stressed

i wish jim would answer his phone, and i wish the people that i talk to; or otherwise known as friends; would all stop lying. i don't even know who's telling the truth or who's lying their asses off anymore.. they both go hand in hand.

:: 2004 10 May :: 4.09pm
:: Mood: irritated

i miss jim, i got to see him wednesday.. but that wasn't enough. i want to see him all the time! ..but oh well, i'm living. lol

didn't really do anything this weekend.. well nothing that i actually planned. i was supposed to do some things, but i either didn't do them, or i had to work.. saturday my mom, sisters and i were supposed to go shopping. buuuuuuuuuut;; my mom only put chelsea (waitress) on for saturday night.. and she majorly needed help. so i worked. from 4 til 11. i had probably about 10 tables all at once, which was hard as hell. but i managed.. and made some cash while i was at it.

sunday was mothers day. i bought my mom a mug that says "mom, i love you" and it's cutesy and stuff. i got sam and anna roses at wal*mart saturday night, so they gave her roses.. dustin got her beautiful flowers. george was supposed to put her deck together, and put the new dishwasher we yesterday in.. but he ended up getting drunk off his ass and acting like an idiot, which was funny.. and not doing it. so i guess my mom didn't have to good of a mothers day, considering that was the only 2 things she really wanted done.. but hey, can't win'em all. i just felt bad for her because even though she was mad, she was more dissapointed. and i know what it feels like to be dissapointed. it just sucks.

school sucked today, have algebra homework, and a huge history test tomorrow that i need to pass. it counts for 1/5 our 4th 9 weeks grade.. eek. that sucks.

a lot of things are happening in school, especially with amy and becky.. which i think is funny.. and so does everyone else. buuuut; here's what happened in case anyone that reads this doesn't know: becky basicly called amys hair a rats nest (or something to the sort) JOKINGLY, and amy took it all seriously and flipped out. randi and i laughed, because drama is funny. and now for about a week.. amy and becky have been fighting. i guess amy said that becky called her like 6 times, buuuut i don't believe that. becky only called her once. so today, amy told someone that she pushed becky into the lockers and called her a bitch and to stay outta her way or something.. but thats not true at all, and i asked amy about it and she denied it and then went on and told me that becky told kristen that i was talking about her.. which made me laugh even more; because i asked kristen and becky about it- and they didn't know what i was talking about. so please tell me this.. who's lying here?

:: 2004 7 May :: 10.25pm
:: Mood: lonely

i went over jims house on wednesday.. stayed their for a couple hours, then went to amys and stayed.

didn't go to school today. i woke up and couldn't get out of bed, it felt like something in me was being ripped or something. i don't know; hard to explain, but it hurt.

..another lonely weekend for me.

:: 2004 4 May :: 11.06am
:: Mood: stressed

i can't stand it anymore, i'm getting the shitty end of the deal. relationships are supposed to be 2 people trying to make it work.. right? because i'm the only one in this relationship anymore. i cry every night because of it.

..but i doubt jim cares.

:: 2004 30 April :: 8.58pm
:: Mood: sad

i don't think i ask to do many things. i'm not demanding. i watch my sisters every day. i've been watching them for weeks. i never go anywhere.

..but the weekend i do want to do something, no. i can't.

wtf.

:: 2004 28 April :: 3.57pm
:: Mood: depressed

i hate everything about you.
why do i love you?

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