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2003 22 July :: 10.16pm
:: Mood: spunky
:: Music: less than jake - shes gonna break soon
o0o0o
-sings- "with so many problems in her life, it really comes as no suprise.. she's gonna break soon, she's gonna break soon, she's gonna break.. "
xx.jena
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2003 20 July :: 6.16pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: godsmack - serenity
i took a couple 'tests'.. here are the results.
Mood Analysis Test
Results for Test Taken Sunday, July 20, 2003
"You are trying desperately to prove yourself. You are going at it hammer and tongs in order to get your own way. You oppose any sort of restriction or opposition to your own point of view in the belief that this could prove you how self determined you are.
Always anxious to accept the role of the leader, as indeed you often work well with people - but try to stay out of the limelight. You'd like a life of ease with no one to rock the boat and someone who understands you is so important in your life.
Loneliness is soul destroying and at this time you feel lost and lonely, perhaps it is because you feel so frustrated that you are prepared to go out of your way to become emotionally involved with someone who could accept you for what you are. You are egocentric, antagonistic and quick to take offense, although it must be said, you can control your pent-up up emotion and thus avoid open conflict.
You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.
The need for admiration and to be regarded as 'someone special' is perhaps one of the foremost aims in your life at this time. You would like to perhaps do something outrageous or anything that will give you the chance to be recognized as someone special. This desire has now almost become an obsession and in your own way you are trying to fulfill this 'complex' by ensuring you are the center of attention, both at work or play, or in the home. Stop trying so hard and you will find that people will like you for who you are - not for who you are pretending to be."
Are You Happy?
"Seems as though you're feeling down and out lately - but don't despair! Maybe it's time for a change... you, and only you, hold the key to your happiness. Try adopting a positive outlook on life and you'll be smiling in no time!"
xx.jena
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2003 19 July :: 4.29pm
:: Mood: upset and pissed
:: Music: our lady peace - story about a girl
stupid assholes
i can't fuckin take this shit anymore. i'm so fuckin serious. i haven't ever been this pissed off in my whole god forsaken life. (well, maybe i have.. but i am really pissed the fuck off right now!) just everyone pisses me off anymore. i swear, i am going to shoot someone, if not myself first. fuck this anymore. why the fuck should i care?
i woke up this morning, and kelly went home, rochelle went on the computer.. so i went out in the living room to watch TV. i called my dog zeus up on the couch with me and then Dustin (my brother) all came in and started yelling and shit at me for letting zeus up on the couch.. FIRST OF ALL. HE IS ALLOWED ON THE COUCH. so i fuckin told him that, and he was like "maybe when you get your own place, you'll respect your things, but until then, you listen to me." so i was like "you don't freakin own THIS couch, so why do you care?" then he said somethin else about how i was gettin to sassy or something, i was like "yeah, well your not my dad, so stop acting like you are!" then he came up in my face like he was going to hit me and shit, (i'm really not good at confronting anyone, i get nervous, and.. i most of the time almost start to cry.. so i was starting to shake and stuff..) and he kept sayin things, so i said things back.. and i told him to go home where he belongs.. and he said something else, and just left.. so i was like at the breaking point, and i tried not to cry, and i just sat there, staring at the tv.. a little bit later my mom came over and asked me what happened, and didn't say anything (i was still trying not to answer) and she whispered to me, "dustins moving back in with us for two months." and that was it, i just got up real fast without saying anything and just went in the bathroom for like 5 minutes, trying not to cry.
I CANNOT STAND HIM. LET ALONE LIVE WITH HIM ANYMORE. i swear to god i'd rather freakin kill myself than live with him for one more day.. you just don't even understand.. it's that bad.
xx.jena
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2003 17 July :: 6.13pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: no doubt - don't speak
things are different..?
i'm just sitting here.. jim and i were supposed to go to a Pirates game with my mom, but i didn't feel good.. so we stayed home, which i feel really seriously so bad about because my mom had already bought us our tickets and everything.. god, i'm so stupid..
jim's getting ready to go home for the day.. he said he's going to come back either tomorrow or the next day, so i'll be sitting here waiting for him to come back and stay with me.. -sigh-
i guess maybe rochelle is comin over tomorrow.. i have to call her when i wake up. thats cool though, i haven't seen her in a long time and it'll be a good thing. see some of my friends.. yeah.. something like that..
things have been different lately.. i haven't been myself i guess? i don't know.. maybe, i just feel different, i don't feel as 'lively' as i usually do.. and no, it's not "that time of the month" but i don't know, i've been doin some stupid things lately.. but who cares, right?
i have recently been told by someone [[not giving out anyones name, wouldn't want anyone to get mad..]] "you don't have hardly any problems, and a lot more people have been through a lot more things, and been a lot more places than you, so when you say that you want to kill yourself, you think it's the only way out.. and look at me, i've lived my whole life in hell." or around the lines of something like that.. there was more, but i don't feel like writing it. that persons right, i don't know what my problem is. what was i thinking?
xx.jena
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2003 13 July :: 2.59pm
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: the all-american rejects - swing swing
bad night last night..
this weekend, has been pretty much shitty. >.< well lets see.. i pretty much forget what happened all weekend, but lets see what i can remember.. lol
friday (i'd say that this was the best day of the weekend.) let's see.. i think this was the day of davids birthday party, but i couldn't go because my brother was having his party at the cokeburg moose. so kelly jim and i all walked up to the moose, and we stayed for a while and what-not.. we left walked around, went down jims house.. hung out there ;) then went up to amys, got her and went back up to the moose.. we ate and everything played some cards (LOL yesssssss.. we were bored.) jim got mad at me and left.. lol as always. but kelly amy and i walked out and i found him, and we made up.. sooo we left again, and just basicly walked around the rest of the night.. then amy went home, and kelly jim and i went back down jims house and just chilled for a while, til my mom came and got kelly and i. (jim stayed him.)
saturday well.. i don't really remember what happened that day.. OH YEAH.. i went to wal*mart with kelly.. and bought ELMERS GLUE FOR 20 CENTS!!!!!!! omg! i was having such an awsome day!! ELMERS GLUE FOR 20 CENTS!! HELL YES!! hahahaha. elmers glue is the shit. omg i love it. and i bought a pack of 3 glue sticks for 88 cents!!! i was like 'hell yes!' w00t. it's greatness.. i bought hair dye to.. finally. then i got home and kelly left to go babysit.. and it just all went downhill from there on.. i just don't even want to talk about it.. (i love you jim. thanks for being there.. i'm sorry baby.. i really didn't mean to..)
today i dunno.. i just woke up around 2.. i was on the fone with rochelle, then i called jim.. and here i am.. jim should be coming back over sometime later today, he's going fishing with ronnie. lol. he's so cute.
p.s. thanks for being there for me last night kelly- cool beans. lol 8-)
xx.jena
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2003 10 July :: 5.06pm
:: Mood: uncomfortable
:: Music: the used - say days ago
i'm very bored
ahhh.. i'm in so much pain. grr to cramps! ouuuuuch.
i think davids party's tomorrow, but i don't think i can go. dustins party is tomorrow at the moose in cokeburg, so jim and i are goin to that.. then later on we'll probably walk down the park and probably down his house.. i dunno yet, whatever we feel like doing i guess.
-yawns- mannnnn i am so freakin tired.. jim and i woke up around 12:30, well we both woke up, but jim went back to sleep.. lol. and we just did nothing all day.. bummed around the house and what-not. but it's all good.. jim's in the shower right now, and i'm just sittin here, bein bored on my computer.. looking for some lyrics.. listening to the used.. -sings- "i still remember a year ago the times we spent.. i think that i'm happier now up from the down by all means it's strange cause i feel the same way"
o0o.. jim and i were supposed to go to his dads allllllll this week, but things have come up.. and we couldn't get a ride out there or anything.. and jim hasn't called his dad.. err- i feel bad because his dads probably all wondering where we are and everything.. lol. -sighs-
im leaving.. probably going to lay down, or just look for some more lyrics.
IM me on AIM- she ran away x
xx.jena
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2003 7 July :: 2.46am
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: none
my weekend what what-not
hellloooooooo everyone. yes yes yes i had a wonderful weekend. lets see..
friday the 4th- for most of the day jim kelly and i were here for our family picnic, until around 4 i think, (which was pretty boring, because well.. it just was. lol) then jim's mom and her boyfriend ronnie came and got us around 4 or so, and we went to ronnies families 4th of july picnic, and i didn't think that i'd have that much fun, only cause i didn't really know them and stuff.. but i had a really good time. later on that night we all went up ronnies house and watched fireworks that he bought (he bought like 1,500 dollars worth!) jim was setting them off, and i was like jumping out of my seat because i was worried that he'd get hit or something.. lol. but he didn't which was a good thing. definitly.. umm- we got home around 12:30, 1:00 AM. we stayed up til 5:30 in the morning talking. about everything.. sometimes you just need to do that, it was so great.. i love him so much.
saturday the 5th- lets see. jim and i woke up around 12:30 in the afternoon. i called kelly and woke her up too. we all got showers and what not, and left around 2:00 for cokeburg.. we got there and stayed at jims house for about 30 minutes, then we walked down the park where all the festivities were happening. LOL. we saw amy, and were walkin around with her. we didn't really do anything until around 3:30 when casey went by in his car, honked waved and drove right by us.. LMFAO. it was so funny. we freakin were like 'wtf? where'd he go to?!' LOL. about 15-20 minutes later, he came walkin down with jay, and shit. we all were sittin in the one table under the pavilion, talkin and what not, then casey left with ben and jay to go up and drink somewhere. he came back about 15 minutes later he came back to the 'festival'
LOL we got bored as shit and went down jims house. when we got there, i made jim give me some shorts and a big shirt to bum around in. we were all gettin so god damn hungry so we all ordered a 'king kong' from kusins. o00. it was good. we watched the movie rat race and then i changed back into my clothes, and we left to go back up the park. we were walkin around and what not when we ran into debbie and kevin and talked to them a bit.. then this girl came up and jumped on casey? i was like okay??? kelly was pisssssed. but hmmm.. jim was lightin off little fireworks with his friends and shit, while kelly amy casey and i were walkin around lookin for people. we saw some little hoe bags, (well, really just one.) hahaha. so we waited for the fireworks, and they were pretty. but, nothing really special..
after the fireworks, kelly casey jim and i were walkin around, amy went home and kelly and i went up her house a little later. it was like 1:30-1:45 AM kelly and i went out to find jim, cause he was not answering his fone!! LOL. we met this guy named, CHUCK. hes a cool bean. LOL. he helped us find jim. sooo we found jim and rusty, and were walkin around til we got to this one guys house or chuck called it "the freakshow" LOL. we sat there for like a good 20 minutes, listening to this guy talk to his girlfriend on the fone.. lmfao.. it was so funny, omg. we had the best time. until amy called and told us her mom got up and found out we werent home.. grrr.. we had to go back to amys, then we just went to sleep.. -sigh- WHAT A DAY. o yes.
saturday the 6th- we got up around 12:30 got showers and then walked down jims house.. we got hungry so we "feasted on a chicken in candle light" (LOL KELLY AND JIM!!!) and we didn't really do anything, just watched movies all day, until around 8:30 when kellys mom came to pick us up and take us home. on our way home, we made a little detour to MCDONALDS. yes o yes. kelly got a double cheeseburger with a strawberry sundae, with EXTRA strawberries. jim and i shared a strawberry milkshake. woooo it was really good. LOL. then we got home, jim went swimming in my pool, then he called his dad (were going over there either tomorrow or the next day) and we talked for a while then we went to sleep. i called kelly and went over there for a while, then we both came back over my house and now here we are.
later.
xx.jena
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2003 3 July :: 7.16pm
:: Mood: lazy
:: Music: none
..i'm stupid..
hmm.. i'm just sitting here, doing nothing.. jim's mad at me again.. :( because i'm stupid and i always do everything wrong. and i don't know why he doesn't just hate me. err.
i was on a diet, but now.. i'm just freakin to lazy anymore. grrr.. i dunno, i don't have any thing to make me do it. it sucks, because i'm fat and i want to loose weight, but i'm just to lazy to do anything about it.. godddd. i need to get jim after me.. i need him to keep me goin, and to help me out. -good idea jena.. lol
i got a new screen name for AIM.. its she ran away x :) woo. i love it. i haven't told anyone about it, cept jim so far.. but i don't really think that i am goin to let anyone know about it. it's a secret.. hahaha. not really, i just don't think that i'm gonna tell anyone.
ohh.. i got a new e-mail to, it's sheranawayx@hotmail.com LOL sound familiar?? haha. i'm so original.. oh wait, i mean lame. :)
xx.jena
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2003 2 July :: 11.45am
:: Mood: dorky
:: Music: none
pictures!
hmm.. i'm just sittin here with my baby jim, and amys sleepin on the floor. my sisters are asleep, and my mom and everyone (her friends) are up the bar.. hmm.. anyways. i got a photo album at yahoo.. and i just wanted to post the address in here so a.-i wouldn't forget, and b.-anyone who looks at this, can look at my pics! woo! yes im smart. lol
here it is:
http://photos.yahoo.com/fallingagainx
i'll be puttin more and more on there.. so be sure to look at it all the time 8-)
xx.jena
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2003 1 July :: 1.02am
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: Eve 6
i haven't written in a long time..
whoa, i haven't written in a long time! it's summer, thats probably why.. even though i really don't have a life.. jims pretty much just stays here, except for the ocasional "i have to go home to mow the grass" lol.. but it's okay, i love him over here!!
well, schools out, (for almost a month now! haha) which is good. and i can't wait until august 1st!! YESSSSSSS vacation with my family and jims goin with us. i can't waiiiiiiiit! (well, i really don't like the beach, but as long as jims goin.. i'll be okay!)
woo- it was 7 months for jim and i on the 29th. he makes me so happy :-D we didn't really do anything special.. just hung around the house and watched TV and what-not. but it was a great day anyhow :)
over the weekend, i went to my some-what of a cousins wedding. it was pretty fun, i got some good pictures with my moms camera. w00. yes! i can't wait to get them developed! :-D
well, i'm off. i will be writing more often!
xx.jena
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2003 2 June :: 9.45pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: just listenin to jim talk in my ear
just my day..
2 1/2 days left of school!!!!
ahh.. can't wait til school out.. i'm like freakin counting the MINUTES. haha. but anyways.. err-- everythings coming to an end in school, i am finishing up my finals, and giving books back, and saying our goodbyes. my mom got me 2 disposable cameras, so i've been taking pictures of everyone.. lol it was fun i'd be like "hey you, look here!" and they would look and i would take a picture, hahaha and they would look all stupid.. hahaha. i love pictures like those. lol
so um i got called down the othe office 8th period today, and this guy was like sitting in the office, and was like "are you jena?" and I was like "yeah.." and he was like "I need to talk to you." so we went in the nurses room to talk. he was from CYS, (children youth services) and he was there to ask me some questions about my mom.. hmm.. so i guess someone called in, and told them that her and george were "alcoholics" and that they always leave my sisters and I alone, and unattended.. psshh.. that is bullshit! yeah, mom leaves us "unattended" once in a while, but only because i'm.. BABYSITTING! people are so fuckin stupid anymore.. god, they piss me off!
so all in all, my day was pretty stupid.. except for when i got to see my baby jim!
love you jim.
xx.jena
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2003 30 May :: 10.10am
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: nothing.. just listening to people talk
ahh.. i'm in school right now, in a study hall which i came down to print out some pictures of Beavers for Jim.. lol for his science extra credit. but um anyway, i'm very bored. and done printing out pictures. todays the seniors last day, so thats cool ;) only like.. 3 1/2 more days left of school after this one! woo-hoo.. yes. =) but anyways, i i am like mushed down with all these finals, and all this stupid stuff.. err- i hate all the pressure! lol. but i dunno. i know i passed my interior design final with an 80% - which is good ;) and i took 1/2 of my Spanish final and err-- i think i failed it.. hahaha. (to bad I don't care though. lol) oh well. i think I did good on my English final, but I don't know.. i'll see today -hopes- oh well. i have to go.
xx.jena
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2003 27 May :: 11.23pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: placebo - every you, every me
on the fone!
6 1/2 days of school left!
today
ahhh.. i'm on the fone with jim, were not really talking about anything in perticular.. but i'm so bored, god take the gun to my head and shoot me..
well lets see, schools sucked. i was so freakin tired.. being that i didnt go to bed until like 1.. lol which is really early for me, but i guess my whole body was tired from all the walkin, and the sun beating down on me and shit. but oh well, i got through it. ha.. barely.
but anyways, i came home from school, called jim and i was bein all bitchy and shit, so i got off the fone and took a nap.. for like 2-3 hours, somewhere around there. and then I called him back, I was still bitchy for like 15-20 minutes after i woke up, but i got in a better mood after a while.. lol jim always puts me in a good mood. :-D
kellys (my cousin) is moving in next door to me.. which is freakin sweet. she'll be goin to our school and shit. niceness. w00t.
tomorrow
im goin to school and goin to either the Wildthings Opening game with my baby jim, or goin to the Faux Pa with my baby.. (so either way im with jim, and either way im happy.) I just don't know which one were goin to yet... ahhhhhhh.
love you jim.
Cocaine. You like to talk, you like to run, but most of all you like to have fun.
Which drug should you be hooked on?
brought to you by Quizilla
hmm.. very interesting.. im so freakin bored, other wise i wouldn't have posted this!
xx.jena
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2003 27 May :: 12.30am
:: Mood: tired as fuck
:: Music: nothing
x-fest!!!
7 1/2 days of school left!!!!
ahh! x-fest was great. (except for the two nasty people that i saw there. but there were only two.. which is an improvement.) buuuuuuut anyways. ahh i bought an 'x-fest' shirt, and i got it signed by 3 of the bands that were there, first, smiling empty souls then eve 6 then STAIND aaaaahhhhhhhh I LOVE STAIND!!!! they were so fuckin awsome!!! lets see if i can remember all the bands that were there.. hmmm..
on the main stage there was Seether, The Donnas (yuck..), Evanescence, Staind (yesssss!!!!), and Godsmack.
west plaza stage there was, Smile Empty Soul (yesssss!!!), 12 Stone, Breaking Benjamin, Punchline, and Juliania Theory.
parking lot stage there was.. THE USED (yessss!!!!!), Eve 6, Trapt, and Taproot.. (COLD was supposed to be there, but I guess there guitarist or someone broke their arm??) -sigh- oh well.
But anyways, me and amy were all the way up front by the stage when Trapt came one, and everyone was like moshing and shit, and this one guy who was crowd surfing fuckin fell right on me and amy.. jesus christ, it hurt so bad. i swear i had like a concussion or something.. lol. but oh well, not like anyone would care anyways, eh?
so we walked around and shit, and had so much fun. (i woulda had more fun if jim was there.. but it's okay.. he'll go next year!) -yawns- we left like 30-35 minutes early, so we wouldn't be caught in all the traffic and what not.. and we got home around 12:00am. i was on the fone with jim almost the whole way home -smiles- muahahaha. i love him so much!! but anywayssssss.. jim came up to amys (where I am right now) to see me, and see if i was "okay" (which is so sweet.. lol) and we talked (really just hugged, cause i missed him so much) for like 10-15 minutes, then I came inside. ahh yes, it was a stressful day.. lol
SCHOOL TOMORROW.. well, really today, now that I think about it.. ahh, fuck that sucks some cock!!!! lol. oh well, not that much more school!!! YES. hahaha
love you jim.
xx.jena
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2003 23 May :: 3.54pm
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: the used - bulimic
blah blah blah
yesterday
so yesterday I went to pick up jim, and he came over. when we got home we just went up the bar to eat with my mom and sisters, and then we came home around 9 and just layed around on my bed and what not, and talked. I got on the computer for like an hour, but I wasn't really doing anything.. jim and I (well, really just me lol) was doing my interior design final project thing. man that thing is a pain in the ass! grrr! but oh well, it's almost done, so thats definitly a good thing. hmmm.. we stayed up til about 10:30 or so, and then we actually went to bed at 11:00.
today
ahh yes, school againnnnn. man I hate that place! but anyways, I got up around.. 6:30 and got a shower and what not, then came back in my room and got dressed. I woke jim up around 7:05, and we left for school at 7:15. I went to school, it sucked, then I came home and here I am now..
later
lets see.. im about to go pick up jim again from his house (like always!) then he and maybe rochelle is stayin the weekend, then sunday they're goin home, and i'm goin to amy's, and on monday amy and I are going to x fest!!!! hell yessssssss. I can't wait. but anyways, i'll write later this weekend.. because there really isnt anything else to say.
xx.jena
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2003 21 May :: 7.34pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: incubus - warning
ahhh
9 days of school left
ahhh man. school sucked today. i kinda knew it was gonna be a shitty day, when i woke up late, and had to get the quickest shower in my whole intire life.. it was shitty. i got dressed and everything, and i walked out the door, and it was like 2 degrees outside! I was like what the hell?? so I got my hoodie and what not.. I <3 that thing.. but thats a different story. (okay, not really, but I like to say that.. haha) but anyways, i got to school, and my bus was sorta late.. so that sucked. jim came in, and i saw him right after home room. -smiles- all our classes were shortened, which was good, but then we had this activity period (we have one, I think like every month?? I don't know, something like that.) but, it's this 45 minute period, where people go to there school 'clubs' and what not, and if people don't have anywhere to go, they just sit in there homeroom, and talk/study or whatever.. and i just did whatever.. I'm not really friends with anyone in my room. oh well.. who cares. finially, it was time to go home. Jim and I walked out to the buses, and kissed eachother goodbye.. ahh then the bus ride, I hate the bus ride.. -sighs- but I made it home.. in one piece.. barely...
Your Heart is Grey
What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla
BlackRainbow2986 (7:27:47 PM): I LOST MY FUNNINESS!
BlackRainbow2986 (7:27:49 PM): 'OMG
BlackRainbow2986 (7:27:50 PM): IM GONNA DIE
BlackRainbow2986 (7:28:08 PM): CALL THE AMBULANCE AND HAVE THOSE FUNNY LIL MEXICAN GUYS WITH THE WHITE JACKETS COME AND TAKE ME
xx interrupted (7:28:09 PM): no no no, calm down, it's probably down your pants!
BlackRainbow2986 (7:28:10 PM): oh oops
BlackRainbow2986 (7:28:13 PM): thats something else
xx.jena
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2003 20 May :: 7.01pm
:: Mood: ugly
:: Music: the used - a box of sharp objects
nothing new
So much shit is going on in my head lately.. ahh, I can't sort it all out, so I just feel all fucked up and shitty all the time. (Which nothing is new, but you know.. oh well) As much as I love Jim, just all the stupid ass fights we get in doesn't help. I just keep thinking about all the shit thats wrong, instead of just about everything thats right.. and thats, well I just shouldn't be thinking about that kinda stuff. My life has just been never ending chaos, and it's really messin my god damn head up. I don't really know what to say, because I think of all this shit i'm gonna type down on here, and then when I come to do it, I forget it all, and it's just stuck in my head, for me to think about, and think about.. I hate it so much.. but once again, theres nothing I can do about it..
School sucks, right now i'm failing two classes.. but you know what the worst thing is? I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE. I seriously thought to myself this year was gonna be different, I'm not gonna let anyone or anything get me down. But what the hell was I thinking? It could never be like that, because I always let everything and everyone get to me and bring me straight down. If someone says something, I take it straight to heart, and thats just what I don't think people get about me.. I'm not like everyone else, yes, I do have problems most people don't know about, but you know what? I don't go around and tell everyone about them like some people do, because they think its "cool".. ahh, I could go on with that forever.. but once again, no one cares.
I don't know, I think thats all I'm going to go on about now.. I forget what else I was going to say. -sigh-
xx.jena
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