So.. I think that I'm finially ready to talk about it.. even though it's been almost a week.

Wed. night my mom called me at 11:30 and blamed me for all her problems and told me she was going to kill herself. I heard her taking the pills while she was on the phone with me.. and she kept saying how I have a new mom now and how that I don't need her anymore. Well during all this my Uncle Don and cousin Bridget were standing by me. I just sat there the whole time not saying anything to her. I just sat there and listened. Then she said "Bye Jena, make sure you tell Gabrielle that her Grandma was an asshole." and then she hung up. I called 911 and they sent the police over. The police officer called me and told me that she was fine.. "a little drunk, but there's nothing that we can do about that." I told him that I heard her take the pills, but they still didn't do anything. Yeah, thanks a lot assholes. ya know? So I tried to call George.. no answer. Yeah, WHERE WAS HE WHEN THIS HAPPENED?? So I tried to call Dustin, then I tried to call the house, then Matt.. finially I got ahold of Matt and he didn't help any because he was at the bar working and he didn't know where anyone was. Well then after I tried to call Dustin and George again.. my mom kept calling me. Bridget answered the phone and kept telling her that I didn't want to talk to her. She kept calling and calling. 911 called me back, they said that if there were anymore problems to call them back. It was about 12:45 or so when I called Dustin and he answered- he said that he was home and that mom was okay and I felt like he blamed me for doing this to her.. but he didn't come directly out and say it. He told me that he thinks she's okay and that if anything happens he'd call me. Well he called me. About a half hour later. "the Ambulance is on it's way. But I need you to go to the hospital they need to talk to her since she called you." So Bridget called Leah then her and her friend Mike came to pick us up. He took all of us to the hospital, we waited for about an hour before they called me back for her information. Then the nurse called Bridget, Leah and I into the back "The doctor will be in to talk to you in just a minute." The doctor walks in, I remember this part so clearly.. The doctor walks in, sits down and just says "She took a bottle of Flexeral [muscle relaxers] She's in critical condition and her chances aren't looking good.. she's on a ventalator right now.. if you want to go see her you better go now because she could go at anytime." He asked if we had any questions I shook my head then he left. I told them I didn't want to see her. I remember just sitting there, I don't remember how long we were in that little room but I know that I won't ever forget.. I just sat there and didn't do anything. I didn't cry until later that night on the car ride home. I broke down. My mom tried to kill herself because of me. That kept running through my head that my mom is almost dead because of everything that I did. How could she put that kind of responsibility on her child? I don't know, but she did.

I didn't cry after that the whole night, until the next day in school. I went home and just watched tv. By that time everyone was up trying to talk to me.. but I couldn't talk to anyone. I just sat there. I was kinda stunned. I remember trying to sleep but just laying there, not doing anything. It was 3:30 when the phone rang. It was my Aunt Diana, saying that my mom was going to be okay. I went to sleep at 5:00, got up at 5:45 got ready, and went to school Thursday. It was 2nd period when I went down to see the guidance counsler, and told her everything. She made my Aunt Loraine come pick me up and go see a counsler. I'm going once a week to see her now.. Karen is her name. She's nice.

Life now? I still don't talk to my mom, I don't ever want to talk to her again. I just feel bad for my two little sisters because they have to deal with all the shit that I grew up with all my life. I don't want that but what am I going to do? I have a daughters life to consider now. I just hope they know that I love and miss them.. because I do. A lot.

4 ! | CMNT.