xsilentxsuicidex
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2005 5 June :: 10.18am
:: Mood: Tired and depressed.
:: Music: Dashboard Confessional- Again I Go Unnoticed
Another sleepless night.
I don't know how I can deal with this.
It hurts so bad...
Why can't I just...
Know what I want.
For once in my life?
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2005 3 June :: 5.11pm
Revelations-
They're beautiful.
And they hurt so much.
I've realized, that this is not working,
For either of us.
And it hurts like hell, but I know it's not going to last.
We're both too young
To be so serious about this.
I do still love him.
But sometimes loving someone,
Isn't just being a couple.
It's doing what's best for the person,
No matter what.
Ever since he left, it's like...
There's this big, empty gap in my chest-
Gay, I know.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with this,
Or what I'm going to do...
I feel nauseated.
It happens when I get really upset.
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2005 2 June :: 10.41pm
:: Mood: Crushed.
:: Music: My Chemical Romance- Helena
*sigh*
Sadly, once again...
I succeeded in being the faggot,
Who sat in the corner.
Not talking.
I apologize for everything wrong I've done.
To any and all of you.
And I apologize for being so desolate and quiet.
I just haven't really been myself lately.
Or maybe I've just been my old self.
The Dana I used to be.
The Dana I hated.
The Dana that everyone hated.
I'm not very fond of change,
And I'm afraid that things may never be the same again.
I miss everyone.
I miss having more than three real friends;
Friends I actually spend time with and see regularly.
Who knows...
Maybe this is just me being an angsty teen.
This time, I doubt it.
Everything has just fallen apart so fast.
I hate not being able to change things.
I really do.
Cameron, thank you for trying to talk to me.
I appreciate it so much. It really means a lot to me.
I hope maybe some day,
Things can go back to how they used to be.
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2005 31 May :: 8.48pm
:: Mood: Mediocre.
:: Music: Flogging Molly- Drunken Lullabyes
Slurp.
Well, last night/today was pretty good.
I spent the night with Aisha and Keely...
It was pretty fun.
Then I slept on the floor. Ha.
We got up, and Aisha made me breakfast. =)
Then, we came to my house for a while.
After a while, we went and got Andrew, and went to the mall.
Where we found Derrek, who was just getting off work.
So we hung out with him.
He's crazy. Heh. It's so funny.
Well, the mall got boring after a while.
So we all piled in the car, and went to my house.
Where we hung out for a while.
And then Andrew had to leave. ='(
So we're sitting here, listening to music.
And everyone's about to leave.
I'm starting to get used to summer.
--- Oh yeah. And, uh, about my last post... Still comment on it. I'll make a post on it like tomorrow or something. =)
I take it back.
Summer sucks.
Because I'm just a shitty friend
Who never does anything right.
I knew it'd happen like this...
I'd lose touch with people,
And someone's feelings would get hurt.
And now I'm a bad guy.
*sigh*
♥
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2005 27 May :: 8.55pm
300th Journal Entry!
Heh. Woo. Everyone celebrate.
So, tonight, I did what I just bitched about doing.
I (kind of) ditched people...
But I mean, only for a couple of minutes.
Because I showed up, and everything felt... Weird.
And Derrek called, so I went to go visit him.
When I came back, I guess people were either:
A.)Mad that I left, or
B.)Upset that I came back?
Because, no one talked to me.
Except for a few small comments from Tony. And Ryan.
But mostly just Tony telling me to go to sleep.
Because I "looked dead."
I guess I can't complain.
I didn't exactly try to strike up a conversation.
It was just... weird;
Sitting there. Staring out the window.
I always feel so out of place these days.
And I'm not sure why.
I must've really fucked up this time.
So. Happy 300th entry to me.
I've gone back and read over entries before--
I was so much happier.
Regardless, I was still a bi-polar, angsty teen.
I guess I'll just have to get used to feeling like this. =/
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2005 27 May :: 11.39am
I'm about to go out to dinner.
I'm not sure who's going to be there...
But I'm nervous. Because apparently people don't enjoy being around me...
Oh well. We'll see how it goes.
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2005 26 May :: 3.13pm
You know what?
Fuck all of this.
Bad day.
Just shows me not to have high expectations.
Ever.
*sigh*
Edit @ 6:30: And now... This is what I get for posting my feelings online.
Oh well.
I'll just go jump of my fucking plateau of righteousness.
Maybe I'll just leave you all alone.
Because, you know, no one enjoys beign around a clueless person.
God. I didn't know a simple little comment could hurt so bad.
Welcome to the drama of the online journal.
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2005 25 May :: 11.49pm
You know what pisses me the fuck off?
When friends ditch their friends.
I'm sorry, but it makes me lose a lot of the respect I might have had for that person.
What ever happened to the almost daily visits I got?
What the fuck even happened to us talking?
I bet you probably think I'm not talking about you...
Fuck, I bet you don't even read this.
There are only a few things in life that really and truley piss me off... And this is one of them.
So, you make some new friends and just don't ever talk to us anymore? Wow. Great. Thank you.
I can't even fucking think straight.
Damnit.
Not the greatest of days. But Keely's here, which should prove to be enlightening. ;P
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2005 25 May :: 1.17pm
So it's finally over...
Freedom is mine.
But I am so afraid that we'll all lose touch...
Again.
Please, just keep our friendships alive.
I've worked hard on this,
And I'll be damned if I lose it all.
I just went to J. Michael's Philly Deli with Carlos, JT, Nick and Killian.
It was pretty fun, and I hope we can do something like it again, soon.
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2005 22 May :: 11.56pm
No one ever said it was going to be easy,
But I thought love was always supposed to be
So perfect; flawless... Like in the movies.
No, I didn't expect absolutely nothing to go wrong...
But I never saw this coming.
I didn't know something could hurt so bad.
I didn't know that this would be so hard...
And I didn't know that I could ever miss somebody this much.
I guess there's a first time for everything, though.
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2005 22 May :: 1.52am
:: Mood: Alone.
Note: This entry is not supposed to hurt or offend anyone. It's just me telling about my day... Don't read it if you don't want to hear about my friends.
Carowinds: Off the sheezy. It was soo funny. First of all, the bus ride there was pretty fun. Marcus, Nick, Rhianna and Deputy Uncle Sam... Crazy people right there. We got there and went on some rides and stuff.
Highlights: Carlos making a big scene in front of a shit load of black people - PENIS CAKE - Sissy Pants - Losing Marcus - Calling people chickens - I'M A POSER - Making racist comments at all the wrong times - Hanging out with the most perverted people in the world!
Although the trip was great, I felt really lonely. It kind of hurt to see all of the happy couples holding hands and stuff. Long distance relationships suck.
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2005 20 May :: 7.42pm
i am a faggot.
The rain falls hard,
Like the tears from my eyes...
Slowly swallowing the town;
Drowning them.
And for some reason,
I hope it's raining there, too.
Because, despite the distance between us,
It makes you seem all that much closer.
---
Summer goal: Layout making.
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2005 19 May :: 6.46pm
:: Mood: Lonely.
:: Music: Story of the Year- Sidewalks
Well, it's love.
Make it hurt...
Well. My hair's purple now.
Go me.
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2005 18 May :: 8.19pm
*long sigh*
Wonderful night...
Absolutely wonderful.
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